aemm Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 (edited) Hi, I battled depression for a few years. I was finally taken off the medication and I thought I was doing great. I then met a man who I really started to like. He liked me too and we had a great connection. A few months into it, I started getting anxious. I would back off because I was afraid of snapping back into depression. He could sense this and told me he was backing off. Not only because I needed to work through things but because he was newly divorced and needed to work through his issues too. He told me he wanted to be friends. During his rejection speech, he kept making me sound like I was going to break. That he would break my heart and I couldn't handle it..he told our mutual friend so I could have someone to talk to like I couldn't handle it. I wasn't hurt by the rejection but by realizing that maybe I wasn't over depression if someone could see me as so weak. I felt like I needed reassurance from him and wouldn't stop talking to him. He now no longer responds to me...he told me he can't handle the emotional talk. He just reads my messages right after I send them though. He has had experience with mental health issues before (exs). I just don't think he will ever forgive me. Edited March 23, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Then u need to take some time on your own and sort this because unless u do u will never be able to have a healthy relationship... trust me I know! x I am in the midst of this right now... Im stuck with the guilt of my BU (my depression and anxiety I believe ultimately killed it) and yet feeling good for the future (because Im finally dealing with it)... I cant tell u how things will work out but one thing I do now is that right now Im on my own two feet and as scary as that is its making me feel strong and independent and when someone else does come along they will be in my life because I want them and not because I need them xx 1
Author aemm Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 Then u need to take some time on your own and sort this because unless u do u will never be able to have a healthy relationship... trust me I know! x I am in the midst of this right now... Im stuck with the guilt of my BU (my depression and anxiety I believe ultimately killed it) and yet feeling good for the future (because Im finally dealing with it)... I cant tell u how things will work out but one thing I do now is that right now Im on my own two feet and as scary as that is its making me feel strong and independent and when someone else does come along they will be in my life because I want them and not because I need them xx Thank you for your kind words! I know I need to better myself but I can't help being embarrassed around this man now. I guess if he doesn't understand me or empathesize with my depression than he wasn't really someone I want to associate with either. Thanks!
Pearl27 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Perhaps you need to date someone who has experienced depression himself, not from his exes. If he knows what you are going through and has been in your shoes, maybe it would be easier to have a relationship with him? You'd have that major thing in common.
Priv Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Yea, I think mental illness scares people away. It sucks you had a relapse or feeling like you had one while being with him for only a few months. It is not yet a proper basis to deal with that kind of thing. I had 2 serious episodes in my life but never when in a relationship. But the disclosure has been used against me in my last relationship, as well as some other stuff in my childhood and young adulthood with the remark 'have you ever had a stable life?!?. This is a year after telling her. Seriously considering not disclosing anything to future SO's as it's stigmitizing for something out of my control and I have dealt with/is in my past. ps. You don't need forgiveness for dealing with depression, it is nothing to be embarassed about and you are not doing anything wrong... 1
Author aemm Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 You don't need forgiveness for dealing with depression, it is nothing to be embarassed about and you are not doing anything wrong... Thanks for that! I need to stop using depression as a crutch. If I can stop thinking I need to be forgiven than maybe I can fully move on. 1
carhill Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Mental illness doesn't scare me and I faced it up close and personal for about eight years, caring for a psychotic person. Would I want to date or be married to that? Absolutely not! On a more mild level, comparatively, my best friend's W is a dx'd and rx'd BP2 and I've known her about 20 years now. If something ever happened to him, I'd surely make sure she was taken care of, and actually have been charged with that duty, but would I date her or marry her? Absolutely not! It's like I never know what person I'm going to get. It can vacillate from inappropriate sexual contact to 'you're an azzhole' on a daily/weekly/monthly basis. Garden variety depression doesn't scare me as long as the person is rx'd and keeping up their therapy. IME, and I have a fair amount of it, it's when folks 'feel good' and 'don't need the meds' and the psychologist 'is a waste of time' that problems occur and those problems are or become a relationship problem. To me, it's like a preference, the same as women who won't date me because I'm 54 and bald. That's the breaks!
Pearl27 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 This thread has me thinking about why I'm afraid to date. I've dealt with depression for years, and while I'm finally getting to a better place in my life, it still weighs heavily on me. I'm not crazy, I just need understanding and support, and a lot of healing. I really hope I could find a guy who could give me that. Knowing that there are so many judgmental people in the world scares me from dating. That's why I hope to find a guy who's gone through similar problems so we can understand each other. Now how I find that guy is another matter.
Author aemm Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 This thread has me thinking about why I'm afraid to date. I've dealt with depression for years, and while I'm finally getting to a better place in my life, it still weighs heavily on me. I'm not crazy, I just need understanding and support, and a lot of healing. I really hope I could find a guy who could give me that. Knowing that there are so many judgmental people in the world scares me from dating. That's why I hope to find a guy who's gone through similar problems so we can understand each other. Now how I find that guy is another matter. This man had known about my depression for a month before hand. I had reactive depression and I thought I had beat it. His ex was bipolar and he told me he had an understanding of depression and made me feel at ease. I have also stayed a virgin for years because I have never liked a nice man before. I told him I was afraid of having sex with a man and then having him treat me like **** after. He told me I wouldn't be ready for sex or a relationship. He said he was backing off because he would break my heart. Told me he wasn't ready either because his divorce wasn't even finilized yet and he had spent 7 years with that person (only 10 months married, the rest was a relationship). I couldn't help but feel judged after...like he had ended it because I had so much emotional baggage. I started getting anxiety attacks and wouldn't stop messaging him...now he reads my msgs but never replies.
Priv Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 This thread has me thinking about why I'm afraid to date. I've dealt with depression for years, and while I'm finally getting to a better place in my life, it still weighs heavily on me. I'm not crazy, I just need understanding and support, and a lot of healing. I really hope I could find a guy who could give me that. Knowing that there are so many judgmental people in the world scares me from dating. That's why I hope to find a guy who's gone through similar problems so we can understand each other. Now how I find that guy is another matter. It does kind of change you permanently don't you think. That's how it is for me. Changed my outlook on a lot of things, some for the better, but mostly for the worse. Definitely was a learning experience/made me wiser. But also made me more withdrawn and a bit dreamy/otherworldly and softer. It can understand it scares you away from dating. Since it has been used against me (even when the last episode was 2,5/3 years ago, and she never witnessed it, and I am not plannig on ever returning to that place) I don't think I'll ever disclose it until im 100% sure to trust someone. But you never know you can until you do :S.
Priv Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 This man had known about my depression for a month before hand. I had reactive depression and I thought I had beat it. His ex was bipolar and he told me he had an understanding of depression and made me feel at ease. I have also stayed a virgin for years because I have never liked a nice man before. I told him I was afraid of having sex with a man and then having him treat me like **** after. He told me I wouldn't be ready for sex or a relationship. He said he was backing off because he would break my heart. Told me he wasn't ready either because his divorce wasn't even finilized yet and he had spent 7 years with that person (only 10 months married, the rest was a relationship). I couldn't help but feel judged after...like he had ended it because I had so much emotional baggage. I started getting anxiety attacks and wouldn't stop messaging him...now he reads my msgs but never replies. If it is like you describe now he respected you enough to not be his rebound. he is understandably not over his ex, and not ready to be in a committed relationship. You are holding out for an nice man that would give you what you need. He knows he can't, and backed off. That is not judging, just respecting you as a person. But yea, noone should tell you what you are ready for or not, thats just blame shifting. Just stop the messaging. It's not doing you or him any good. The msgs only make you feel more anxious. 1
Author aemm Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 If it is like you describe now he respected you enough to not be his rebound. he is understandably not over his ex, and not ready to be in a committed relationship. You are holding out for an nice man that would give you what you need. He knows he can't, and backed off. That is not judging, just respecting you as a person. But yea, noone should tell you what you are ready for or not, thats just blame shifting. Just stop the messaging. It's not doing you or him any good. The msgs only make you feel more anxious. Thanks...it just sucks because I feel like he was a good guy but won't talk to me ever again. We talked about being friends but I feel like that will never happen now.
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