stroyious Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 I have been suspicious that something is going on between my wife and a male friend of hers. There were some warning signs, such as her staying out very late with him on weekends and subtleties in how she described him. Although it pained me to do so, I checked her text messages and found a couple suspicious ones. Some examples: 3 weeks ago: "Apparently, somewhere in my subconcious, I have a bit of a crush on you ;-)" (More recently): "Ok, I'm not your type, you're not mine, we aren't a logical match, probably wouldn't ever work out as a couple, you're leaving [name of our town], our situation is complicated... I don't care, my feelings for you are there anyway" There were more messages that I found suspicious. I confronted her about this, although I did not tell her I looked at her text message records. She directly denied having a crush or any romantic feelings for this guy. I also directly asked her if she had any "complicated feelings" for him and she denied it. My strategy at this point, although there's a huge gap between us, is going to be to try to do more research while acting somewhat normal. We are mid 20's - early 30's with no kids. What do the people on this board think? Thank you.
SoleMate Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 It's not clear whether she has engaged in physical cheating. I would tend to think not....but you really shouldn't breathe a sigh of relief even if you're absolutely certain that my speculation is correct. She is clearly engaging in emotional cheating, aka spending close 1:1 time with another man and talking to him about intimate feelings and ideas, including whether they are a match. Monogamously married people should never do this. A so-called EA (emotional affair) is every bit as big a threat to the happiness and longevity of your marriage as a PA (physical affair). Your marriage is in crisis, please google for "marriage builders" and try Plan A. 2
whatatangledweb Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 If she isn't having an affair it sounds like she is trying to have one. She appears to be the one letting him know she is open to having an affair and she wants it with him. Check the phone records and texts to see if they are way out of wack...meaning way more than normal and alot of them going to one number. Why is she going out with him at night? 3
bubbaganoosh Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 If you copied the messages they had between them and your gut is telling you something isn't kosher and she denying that she has a crush on the OM, then show her what you have and let her know that you ain't a happy camper and it stops now or she asking for more trouble than she bargained for. What the hell is doing being out late with this guy and why did you let her. She's a married woman. If that's the case then its your fault for not saying anything when she was out with him. That should have never happened. You fault friend so maybe you better have a real good sit down with her and end this little game before it gets out of control and that means she stops contact with him and you also let him know to stay the hell away from your wife unless he wants to support her for the rest of his life. 1
wonderingifi Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 In my opinion, and in the opinion of many married people I know, it is inappropriate for a married person to have a friend of the opposite sex. It is far to easy for things to cross the line, especially if your significant other is excluded from the friendship. What is a marriage other than a friendship and a physical relationship blended into a partnership? For the men, what have your real feelings been for any female friend? They dont call it the friend zone for no reason. You should confront her with the truth, I regret not doing so in my own relationship in the past. It isnt wrong to ask your SO to chose between your relationship and a friendship, especially when it is obviously weird. Would she be ok with showing the texts to her mother, father, children, or friends? If not why? I would not speak in a way to another person that I would be ashamed of.
confusedandhurt2002 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Cheating is cheating, whether physical or not and saying the things they are saying to each other is a form of cheating, but I hope you have gotten to it before it's gotten out of hand. I'm sorry to say this but as someone who was cheated on and had suspicions but did nothing for a long time about what I thought was her flirting with him only. Turns out it as a full blown affair and he had slept with her. So..yeah..don't let it carry on. I don't mean go in and excuse the woman, but just say "Hey, we need to talk..I saw this and I'm a bit concerned and sad...can I just ask if anything serious is going on." Then tell her, if you do, that you love her and that's why you are asking.
thummper Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 It's called an EA (Emotional Affair), first step on the road to her winding up flat on her back in his bedroom. Better keep a very close eye on her. She's on the prowl. 3
beach Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 I have been suspicious that something is going on between my wife and a male friend of hers. There were some warning signs, such as her staying out very late with him on weekends and subtleties in how she described him. Although it pained me to do so, I checked her text messages and found a couple suspicious ones. Some examples: 3 weeks ago: "Apparently, somewhere in my subconcious, I have a bit of a crush on you ;-)" (More recently): "Ok, I'm not your type, you're not mine, we aren't a logical match, probably wouldn't ever work out as a couple, you're leaving [name of our town], our situation is complicated... I don't care, my feelings for you are there anyway" There were more messages that I found suspicious. I confronted her about this, although I did not tell her I looked at her text message records. She directly denied having a crush or any romantic feelings for this guy. I also directly asked her if she had any "complicated feelings" for him and she denied it. My strategy at this point, although there's a huge gap between us, is going to be to try to do more research while acting somewhat normal. We are mid 20's - early 30's with no kids. What do the people on this board think? Thank you. I think she's definitely invested and involved with him. You want a wife like that? 1
atreides Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Look words can mean different things to people so let me lay my own out first for the context. I do not subscribe to Emotional Affairs, they are just affairs at the early stages, all affairs given time and acceptance will get physical. It's like dating, when we date, not everyone we date we get physical with. I just cannot stand the categorization of things as if to rationalize pain away. So, the bottom line is she is "dating" this guy in order to say the things you read in text. It clearly means there is romantic interest, thus she is "cheating" on you. We should not be caught up in if it got physical, for me the intent is much more critical as in planning to be with them, the lies to you and themselves and how they conduct themselves. I think words can be just as painful as "physical cheating" as well... You have the proof in my book, text does not lie. 2
Hope Shimmers Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 I have been suspicious that something is going on between my wife and a male friend of hers. There were some warning signs, such as her staying out very late with him on weekends and subtleties in how she described him. Although it pained me to do so, I checked her text messages and found a couple suspicious ones. Some examples: 3 weeks ago: "Apparently, somewhere in my subconcious, I have a bit of a crush on you ;-)" (More recently): "Ok, I'm not your type, you're not mine, we aren't a logical match, probably wouldn't ever work out as a couple, you're leaving [name of our town], our situation is complicated... I don't care, my feelings for you are there anyway" There were more messages that I found suspicious. I confronted her about this, although I did not tell her I looked at her text message records. She directly denied having a crush or any romantic feelings for this guy. I also directly asked her if she had any "complicated feelings" for him and she denied it. My strategy at this point, although there's a huge gap between us, is going to be to try to do more research while acting somewhat normal. We are mid 20's - early 30's with no kids. What do the people on this board think? Thank you. Wow. What more research do you need? What excuse did she give you to account for those text messages that made you believe her to the point of "doing more research"? Why is she "staying out very late with him on weekends"? That is more than a warning sign; it's a slap in the face. I wish you luck. 1
Friskyone4u Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Just curious. Where are you when your wife is staying out late with a male friend. I cannot think of any reason a married woman would be constantly staying out partying with other men unless she was up to no good. From what you are posting this is not a one time happening. Seems like she is dating and you are allowing it to go on. Put a stop to it
Bryanp Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 If the roles were reversed would you wife be so apparently accepting and forgiving as you. Your wife lies right to your face.
carhill Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Welcome to LS. You might wish to read this thread about how opinion varies regarding what constitutes an affair, perhaps to better understand your wife's apparent perspective. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/467925-do-men-women-have-different-views-what-constitutes-affair IMO, since you're aware, and have been aware, of your W's interactions with the man in question, and are now aware of and have proof of her thoughts and feelings on that matter, as well as his, as evidenced by the content of her last response, the period of 'cheating' has now passed, she has been discovered and they are now in an affair as this has apparently been going on for some time. IMO, simply print out the proof you have, tell her how you feel about it and what next steps you want to occur. Listen to her response. Don't debate semantics. If her responses don't align with where you wish your M to go, request she move out, immediately. My suggestion for 'next steps' would be for her contact with the person to cease in a verifiable way and for her to join you in an introductory session of MC to assess the health of your M. Good luck!
BetrayedH Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Investigative mode. Play stupid and compliant. Find out the truth BEFORE you confront. You'll get one shot at this. Many, many confrontations serve no purpose but to notify the wayward spouse of the need to hide things better. 1
bobwhite007 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Investigative mode. Play stupid and compliant. Find out the truth BEFORE you confront. You'll get one shot at this. Many, many confrontations serve no purpose but to notify the wayward spouse of the need to hide things better. This^^^ for sure. But i kinda think its allready plain as day. She is a cheater. 1
Scott Thomas Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 I agree with the above posters. She's having an emotional affair and if it hasn't progressed the physical line then it might soon. Act dumb and start investigating. Put a voice activated recorder in her car, some software in her phone and laptop, check her bills to see any receipts of dinners, long frequent calls or even hotel rooms. You might even hire a PI to follow her around, especially when you're not in town. I know a poster who pretended that he was leaving town for two days. He hired a Private Investigator to follow his wife. The PI confirmed the affair. Read the various warning signs about affairs. Do not confront her before you have evidence. If an affair is something you can't tolerate then speak to a good lawyer and prepare a plan if things head towards a divorce. Better prepared than caught unaware. Based on my personal experience (this forum and as a former military operator), your wife's actions do point towards an affair. The texts confirmed the emotional connection. I hope it hasn't gone beyond that. Good Luck. 2
Realist3 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 He already confronted her. The two examples he gave of texts tell the story. They were exploring something more. Is she cheating? Yes. 2
fellini Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 If you love your wife, and you want to stay married to her, you should ACT. Do not pretend anything. Get back working on your marriage, YESTERDAY. If you do not love your wife, and if you do not want to stay married, sit back play dumb and wait for her to have an affair. She is obviously not getting something at home, which would be why you dont want to stay married, and so you can wait til she really DOES go far enough to justify your ending it. As you can see NONE OF THESE CHOICES have anything to do with her: they are about YOU acting. Good luck. Many BS's would give ANYTHING to be where you are today: right at the start of something that we all wished we could have stopped RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE NOW!!!
Grizzly101 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 If she has not had a PA, she is definitely thinking about it. I have thought about it. I have said some of these things. Yes, I am aware that it is horrible. You need to call her on it. If she has not done it physically, she is testing the waters and wants to. Even if it is just for talk and attention, she is trying to get that from someone other than you. No matter how you slice it, it is wrong. How much time does she spend with OM? What is the reason it does not bother you? Because you trust her (same reason that my H didn't mind me hanging out with the guy I want to be the OM). You need to sit her down, tell her you looked at the texts and what you found. She is gonna be pissed that you violated her privacy (and found her being at least emotionally unfaithful), but she obviously gave you a reason. She needs to come clean so that you two can rebuilt trust and move on with your lives, together!
lolablue17 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 (edited) The problem is her lies. 1. Ask youself what do you want to do if she admits it all. (a Different case if it's an EA or PA). Then do it. you dont need her to confirm what you already know. (its a fact that she has an EA, not a suspicion) 2. have a talk with her, tell her that you know whats going on (dont expose to her what exactly do you know and how you got it), and ask her to stop seeing at all, and to be NC with him. (it doesnt matter if she denies or not) 3. If she refuses, be prepared. Know in advance what your plans are with a wife that even after you confront her, she still favorite her EA friend (maybe PA) more than her marriage. Anyway - take control. dont let the fog leading you - be a leader yourself in this case, by planning everything in advance. Edited March 23, 2014 by lolablue17
violet1 Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 I'll tell you as a WW, do not confront her again until you have concrete evidence. Secretly send the texts you saw to your email. Then deleted the forwards from the sent box. The concrete rule if cheating is to deny, deny, deny. On my D Day, I tried to deny it, but I obviously couldn't deny it when he was reciting the texts he found back to me. If she's cheating, she's in underground mode because you already confronted her. You are going to have to be very sneaky. 1
BHsigh Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 I'll tell you as a WW, do not confront her again until you have concrete evidence. Secretly send the texts you saw to your email. Then deleted the forwards from the sent box. The concrete rule if cheating is to deny, deny, deny. On my D Day, I tried to deny it, but I obviously couldn't deny it when he was reciting the texts he found back to me. If she's cheating, she's in underground mode because you already confronted her. You are going to have to be very sneaky. I have to agree here, I confronted my wife twice and she was able to talk her way out of it because all I had was one Facebook chat that I wasn't able to save. The third time I had concrete evidence and a witness, but I also went about it differentely. I simply told her that I wanted a divorce, that she was simply too low of a person for me to want to stay with, I then let her stew on that for the rest of the day. Later that night she tried to get me to tell her what was wrong, and I simply said, "why don't you tell me". Then eventually I said "I'll tell you sometime after we divorce, I shouldn't, but I'm not like you and I don't plan on keeping it from you". She broke without me showing any evidence, but the evidence helped me keep my strength. 1
Recommended Posts