Do Men and Women have different views on what constitutes an affair?

[RoseMadder]

My Dads trying to make out that he didn't have sex with the ow he's been seeing therefore it wasn't an A, my Mom doesn't think it matters, he lied, manipulated, texted, told the ow he loved her etc... Therefore he cheated. I agree with my mom, I'd rather my H have a 1 night stand than have an emotional affair. What do you guys think?

[Scott0310]

In my opinion, if my wife was texting other guys (we're separated, and she is, LONG story with her "cheating" on me during this time lol) in almost any kind of flirtatious way and I was unable to see it, I would consider that an emotional affair. Largely due to the fact where in my case she has passwords on all her stuff, so it makes it seem that she has something to hide. If you cant let me see it and let me come to my own conclusions, your cheating.

 

There may not be anything physical going on, but same as you, the emotional part is worse than the physical I think; while I'd rather not have to experience both, the emotional side is far worse as you actually have that person on your mind on a constant basis.

[italianjob]

I don't think there's a difference in what men and women consider cheating. I do think that the physical aspect of an A is more important and a heavier burden to men, while the detachement from the shared life project and family hits women harder.

I guess this is probably related to the fact that women are often required to invest more and make bigger sacrifices for the family project.

Men finding the physical aspect harder to bear is probably related to the biological and mechanical working of the sex act (being the woman the one who "welcomes" somebody else inside her body).

I hope this is readable and makes sense, english is not my native Language

[carhill]

OP, IME it comes down to people rather than gender, especially in the realm of EA's. I've seen the gamut.

 

Non-sexual intimacies, with non-sexual meaning not involving genitals, have been quite common IME with MW's and where few ever thought or admitted their actions and/or feelings were an 'affair'. Those intimacies can range from the purely emotional to emotional and physical to purely physical but not sexual.

 

Example: If I'm attracted to a woman and interact with her based on that attraction and *feel* attracted when interacting and those emotions color my thoughts and provide impetuses to those interactions, to the detriment of focusing on my primary partner or spouse, am I behaving inappropriately? Should she respond in kind, do we have an affair going, or is it a 'close friendship'? Interesting stuff.

 

Now, as a man, I should, if following gender norms, not consider the above an affair since no sex, nor even obvious sexual innuendo, occurred, but is that accurate? Is my belief reality? It can be, for me. However, reality for my spouse can be completely different and, if it is, well we have a problem.

[cocahouts]

I am a Male so here is my opinion on this.....

 

Affairs...someone your are sharing feelings with that you have contact to.

 

I don't think I would call chatting an affair. as long as there is no physical or true knowledge on who the other person is.

 

Porn sites....Chat windows from porn sites....I don't think this is cheating. My wife disagrees because I am getting off watching another woman but there never will be a chance to meet this porn star/ other person. Never any real contact

 

Texting I would consider an affair because you usually have to meet the person to get their number, if if met in like a chat room and exchanged numbers I still think this is more like an affair because real information was passed, the phone number.

 

Cheating......

 

I would say offering up your number or something true about who you really are.

 

Then of course physical contact as little as a kiss I would consider cheating.

 

Sex of course....that crosses the line and solidifies the whole affair.......

 

ONS one night stands....tricky.....do you know the ONS person from like work.....then this would be an affair because you're still in contact with this person. Kissing and intimacy.....I would say this is an affair.

 

ONS from a bar pick up or something like that......Cheating but an affair.....not really an affair but kissing and intimacy....... kinda bad

 

Prostitution...Paid service....any kissing or intimacy.....maybe yes or no....

I hate to say I did this and there was no intimacy and it was not what I was looking for. She was sweet and could tell I was not into it but still took my money, I'll never see her again or know her real name so there is no attachment. I don't see it as an affair but still really not something really morally right. For me outside of Vegas in a legal brothel so I was not picking up some street woman.

 

Prostitution.....A friend of mine is falling for a woman that does this. She doesn't hide it from him, it's how they met and still continues to do it. But she now hangs out with him regularly and they are way more than friends, doesn't make him pay. He just hates the situation.....whole another long story.

 

My wife had an affair with my best friend, he convinced her to start secertly texting....he was never my friend and used me to get with her and lied to us both and split us apart. It took him months and then he told me she had a ONS and I wanted payback and went with a prostitute...so now I feel even worse. Not totally his fault but I don't think either of us would have done this.

 

When I was convinced she had a ONS I was over it with in a few weeks, it didn't bother me nearly as much. Away on a business trip, probably never see him again...etc etc.

 

I am burned by the emotional connection they shared....their sex pisses me off but my wife told me in detail what happened, my choice to know everything. A lot of it was truly hurtful so I don't think she lied. But from what I've read and what she told me it wasn't as enjoyable with him but the act of the affair is what made it exciting.

 

Anything from above can but you though some pain....and I'm sure if you did it or experienced any of it your views will be objectionable.

 

An Affair only hurts as much as you loved or trusted the other person.

[Buckeye2]

Both EA and PA are affairs. Women tend to think that an EA is worse and men tend to think that a PA is worse.

 

 

There is a very primitive reason for this. In order to be biologically successful, you have to pass on your genes.

 

 

Women know that their children are biologically theirs, men don’t. A woman’s primary concern was to have a man around to help her children survive.

 

 

A man’s primary concern was to insure that her children were also his. In other words, a woman wanted a good relationship with her mate to keep him around. A man wanted a good relationship so that he wouldn’t be raising another man’s child.

 

 

This is why it can be comforting for a woman to be told by her husband that he didn’t care for the OW, it was only sex. The wife’s security isn’t jeopardized.

 

 

A husband isn’t comforted by being told the same thing.

[EasyHeart]

My Dads trying to make out that he didn't have sex with the ow he's been seeing therefore it wasn't an A, my Mom doesn't think it matters, he lied, manipulated, texted, told the ow he loved her etc... Therefore he cheated. I agree with my mom, I'd rather my H have a 1 night stand than have an emotional affair. What do you guys think?

I think this is a fairly common difference of opinion. There is no right answer.

 

What people have to realize is that their definition of an affair is irrelevant. The only thing that matter is what their spouse thinks is the proper definition.

[Woggle]

It sounds like a cheater trying to find an excuse. I don't think it's about gender.

[tbf]

Depends on which side of the affair they're on since people can rationalize themselves into and out of pretty much anything.

 

• Cheaters who have emotional affairs, quite often claim that if it's non-physical, the affair never happened.
  
• Cheaters who have physical affairs will quite often claim that emotion wasn't involved so it wasn't a big deal.
  
• Betrayed spouses claim that whether PA or EA, it's all damaging.
  
• OWs and OMs pretty much claim that it's never their fault, placing blame on either the betrayed spouse, the cheater or both and insistent that the cheater love(s) them and wouldn't lie to them, even though the affair's one big lie.
  

 

To conclude, gender doesn't really impact. People act and react in self-interest.

[cocahouts]

Both EA and PA are affairs. Women tend to think that an EA is worse and men tend to think that a PA is worse.

 

 

There is a very primitive reason for this. In order to be biologically successful, you have to pass on your genes.

 

 

Women know that their children are biologically theirs, men don’t. A woman’s primary concern was to have a man around to help her children survive.

 

 

A man’s primary concern was to insure that her children were also his. In other words, a woman wanted a good relationship with her mate to keep him around. A man wanted a good relationship so that he wouldn’t be raising another man’s child.

 

 

This is why it can be comforting for a woman to be told by her husband that he didn’t care for the OW, it was only sex. The wife’s security isn’t jeopardized.

 

 

A husband isn’t comforted by being told the same thing.

 

I am a man and the EA part of my wifes affair is what's killing me now. The sex part pisses me off and that enrages me and I agree that's how I am somewhat wired, did he do something different? Better? Did she like it more? That pisses me off.....

 

The EA part is what I am struggling to overcome now, the did she like him more than me, why did she open up to him instead of me?

 

Sex can be empty and I get that, but for a woman to let a man in seems more personal...I'm not over either part yet but the EA is the hurdle that's biting me the worst.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think generally men are going to feel that the physical part is more taboo than the emotional part...and feel that is what constitutes as an official affair in their own behavior.

 

Men kind of feel those emotional relationships are allowed under the guise of a friendship or the like, but women do this too, and both men and women can be naive or in denial when it comes to the opposite sex being interested in them and just playing it off as some close friendship because it's serving an interest/need, even when it crosses boundaries their partner might not agree with...but they might claim it never does because of their own perception, a lot of these "red flags" can be ignored.

 

The lines become muddied when you have to figure out what exactly constitutes as an affair or "cheating" to an individual, that can vary depending on the perception of how someone feels about that.

 

Some people feel you shouldn't basically interact with the opposite sex at all outside of a professional/social situation...others might feel it's ok as long as it's with former long time "friends" and someone who isn't a "threat"...others might not care as long as this person is never alone with that person and does things like hang around as a group/couple than solo. Others feel porn is cheating, others don't.

 

I generally feel like men and women can't really just be "friends", there's always an opportunity for that situation to escalate in an instant...add in some distress or moment of "weakness" and you could have a real situation out of "nothing". I think they can be acquaintances realistically at best. But honestly, I'm ok with that difference in opinion...however I know men extremely well and already have a strong basis for my opinion, I feel.

 

However personally even with the above mentioned, I'm not a jealous person, and I feel if there is that kind of mild emotional relationship or dependency with the opposite sex, it's not cheating to me. I feel those relationships to a degree are actually necessarily and healthy, and people ultimately have their own choices and decisions to make in a relationship and boundaries to agree upon (which is what people should be talking about BEFORE but never do, they just assume the other person magically knows what those are as "common sense" because of how they feel - or they enforce them like martial law rather than ask the person how they feel about it, it's just an ultimatum) and I wouldn't try to force or corner someone into a relationship so that I could ensure they don't cheat or so I can trust them or something ridiculous like that.

 

The bottom line is I feel if someone is going to cheat, they're going to do it, they are open to it or may be extremely vulnerable to it including without realizing it...and the will/desire to cheat is just the same, it's going to happen or could happen and the fact that I'm "preventing" that from occurring or something like that, wouldn't exactly make me feel good about myself or my relationship...I'd just feel like I was forcing someone to be faithful or do something they wouldn't do under their own power. So I shake my head at people who feel the need or desire to try and stop someone from cheating who showed clear signs of intent, seems after the fact to me if they have the will/desire and that's how you should take it, plain and simple.

 

Your dad definitely had an affair in my book and I'd find it hard to believe he wasn't intimate in some way with this woman, I think he's just basically in denial and trying to manipulate the situation by focusing on the "details" to try and retain this stance and idea he has about the entire situation so he doesn't get judged or condemned for it, and he's not going to be convinced otherwise.

 

But It seems clear that he's violated the trust and boundaries of his marriage, however I wouldn't go as far to say that it's the same as a physical affair or worse...if he sees that as the ultimate wrong doing, then essentially you're kind of saying that he could've been sleeping with her as long as he wasn't emotionally involved, it's kind of sending mixed messages and if he was in fact not intimate with her then he's going to feel like he might as well at this point or had, after all...it was the lesser evil. And that's not the point you should be focused on, it's the fact that he betrayed the trust, arguing over the details is just spinning your wheels because in the end it violates the same boundaries anyway.

 

At any rate, if someone is looking for something outside of the marriage...emotionally or physically, then something is missing within the relationship and it's not being addressed or can't be, and it's time to move on or compromise on the situation if you're absolutely forced to remain in the marriage under the current situation.

 

I don't believe your mom should go around in circles, fighting with your dad and having these arguments which lead to nothing but more pain and distress in the long run even though she's going to want answers to everything. I think they either need to seek counseling and try to resolve the core issues in the relationship and get the elephant out in the open and start talking about it or end the relationship...after all, if it was a violation of the marriage it was a violation, and if its grounds for a divorce then it's ground for a divorce, that would be hard for her to do but in her best interest emotionally, even though ideally she'll just want him to "fix" this whole situation...but the damage has been done, but hey...some people forgive in time, I'm not really one of them in that sense...not at least by continuing the relationship, maybe out of it or after it.

 

Furthermore you should remove yourself from judgment of your dad or mom in this situation, I think you should leave this situation be for them to handle and not associate it with your own relationship. These are still going to be your parents at the end of the day and you should try to maintain an outside neutral position as it's not your place to be involved with the details and the like. I understand your mom might need someone to lean on or talk to, but she speak with someone that should help her deal with those emotions and work through them, instead of simply confide in her daughter which will have long term effects that will affect you emotionally and mentally...I know it might feel personal, but this is not your fight or responsibility and you need to make sure to protect yourself considering they are your parents, don't be too nosey, you can't unhear these things.

Edited March 23, 2014 by Ninjainpajamas

[RoseMadder]

Thanks everybody who posted, it seems we all agree that an EA can be just as damaging to a relationship as a PA. There seems to be a lot of behaviours that are involved in an A and some cheater/s seem to justify themselves by saying "I didn't engage in x behaviour, therefore it wasn't really an A."

 

As far as my parents situation goes, my dad was sacrificing time with his family to be with a woman he claims he wasn't sleeping with. For example, I've got quite a serious medical condition and was hospitalised on Xmas day for nearly three weeks. Once I was feeling better my mom organised "Xmas 2" so we could all have a meal and spend the day together. The day before he made up some excuse that he HAD to be in work the next day but would be back for lunch, he didn't get back until late afternoon. Turns out he'd been with the ow the whole day. I think my mom found that more hurtful than if he'd have had sex with a hooker.

 

Ninjainpajamas I think you summed it up perfectly. I'm trying to keep my nose out as much as I can and not take sides it's just easier said than done. I love my dad but I'm very angry at him, not just for the A's but for involving my H and I. I'm sure we'll all get through this one way or another but right now things are really bloody tough.

[Shooter]

Everyone has a different definition of cheating. For example in my girlfriends opinion dancing with other people at clubs unsupervised is cheating. In my opinion cheating is sexual acts. Although emotional cheating would also hurt, just in a different way.

 

Doesn't really matter how others feel about the situation. I'm sure your dad knows what he did was wrong and its up to your mom to decide if she is willing to forgive.

[Fluttershy]

My husband had a strictly PA. I saw the texts, I know it was. They were FWB so it wasn't just about sex but their friendship was known to me and was not intimate. Then they would get all dirty and switch on their sex side. Yuck. Anyways, i wasn't impressed with a PA. It destroyed me and I wasn't thankful there were no ILYs. My huband lied to me and betrayed me and put me at risk fpr STDs who cares that there were no ILY's thrown around.

 

An objective view is this. If you are actively hiding something from your spouse yoi are betraying them and decieving them. And that is wrong and dishonest.

 

Sex is just sex for some people. A good time and sharing of body fluid. ILY is just words. You can say them and not mean them or change yoir mind.

 

But the behaviour required to have a secret relationship whether PA or EA. that is childish and poor behaviour.

[crederer]

Men and women don't have different views, your parents do. But whatever title you want to give it is not relevant. There are more reasons outside of cheating that can destroy a relationship. So whatever title they want to put on it, he hurt her pretty bad and that's the point that should be looked at.