Stuck and lost!

March 23, 2014

Hi all! I just want to say i used to post here quite frequently, however i lost my log in details, so i have had to make a new account.

Anyway, onto my problem, which i really hope you all can help me out or give me advice with.

So i have been with my girlfriend for about 3 years seriously, and 4 and a half of dating, seeing one another, and then we took the next step. Anyway here is my dilemma:

So my partner and i decided that we will both pursue marriage a few years after we graduate or around that time, just so we can get our careers a bit on track. I am not a practicing lawyer, and she is about to finish her masters in architecture, but that's neither here nor there as that is a few years away. The problem is, it's a cliche' with a twist. I was born into a faith that i have converted out of, as a result of maturing and not liking it i guess. the faith i converted into , is the same of my partner, but i did not do it as a result of her, i did this many years prior. She is of the belief that her family will not be accepting of this because 'it will always be with me'. The twist is, we both come from a background of a troublesome area within Eastern Europe (backgrounds that is). I don't consider myself to have any affiliation with my 'background' but she does, which is completely understandable. Anywhom, my supposed 'background' and hers have had wars previously. So now we fast forward after this time in our relationship, and she is saying that, her family will not be accepting and understanding of the situation and i will always be 'one of them'. My parents on the other hand are fine with the scenario to a point and find it great that they can speak to her family in their native tongue (they haven't met yet, nor have i met her parents) When i ask can we talk to them about this scenario, she doesn't want to go into that topic and i guess is frightened of any possible conflict with her family. I understand where she is coming from, but to me it almost it's like she is showing 'no balls' (pardon my language) and that she isn't willing to fight for the relationship (that's my feeling anyway). She has had this arise before, and she before admitted it was completely down to fatigue on working 14 hour days and going to university 5 times a week, and she might have taken it out on me. She requested a break which i painfully granted and then wanted to end the break within 24 hrs. She is again under the same amount of pressure and stress as last time, and maybe it's a case of history repeating itself?

So my question to a few of you guys, is what should i do? or we do? I mean she is on the verge of calling it quits, which is daunting due to everything we've put in. When i confronted her about her feelings towards me, i asked her all the usual stuff, with her answering 'you are the love of my life, and i want to spend my life with you' and then the old 'but i don't want to disappoint my parents'. Not to mention that this a day earlier to her telling me this i told her of my fathers cancer growing back (not to say out of pity, but cause well, she should know) with her saying, ill support you throughout and ill be there forever, and earlier in the day, pointing at wedding dresses, saying which one? I know this all might sound a tad teenagerish, but it's just confusing, (women, man? haha) We purchased each other promise rings and other things which we said we would commit to one another forever, so I'm a bit confused. We've don't really fight often, our sex life is amazing, our friendship is amazing and gotten to the point where everything relies on one another. I've gone from seeing her daily to once a week if I'm lucky.

Any advice? Thank you all in advance

P.S. i hope i posted this in the right section

March 23, 2014

I don't know

Love and families don't mix

Love and differences can hardly survive if one of the part don't try hard enough to make it survive

Her family seems racist and maybe she is as well, they will ruin your peace of mind and since she care a lot about them, they will eventually ruin the relationship..

I don't have any advice, but I hope you all the best ..

March 23, 2014

I'm only guessing where you are in eastern Europe, some of those wars involved ethnic cleansing so I can understand why this could be an issue. However, it's not an impossible bridge, the bitterness over you dating someone from "the other side" is something that will probably get better the longer the two of you are a couple. And if you end up having children, that can also help bridge the gap. What I would do if I were you, is to go with the flow, and don't focus on family acceptance like it appears you are doing. Treat your girlfriend well, that's the priority. Love her, cherish her, treat her like she's the only girl on earth that matters. When you're around her family, be respectful, but keep your eyes on your girlfriend. This whole thing with her family is her job to navigate, your's is like I said, to treat her well. In the end, it will calibrate I believe in your favor.

I have a saying I live by, "when you love someone (something), you do everything right." Your girlfriend will too, it's just an uncomfortable situation to work with, but be patient and supportive of her as she deals with her family.

Edited March 23, 2014 by morrowrd

March 23, 2014

I'm only guessing where you are in eastern Europe, some of those wars involved ethnic cleansing so I can understand why this could be an issue. However, it's not an impossible bridge, the bitterness over you dating someone from "the other side" is something that will probably get better the longer the two of you are a couple. And if you end up having children, that can also help bridge the gap. What I would do if I were you, is to go with the flow, and don't focus on it like it appears you are doing. Treat your girlfriend well, that's the priority. Love her, cherish her, treat her like she's the only girl on earth that matters. When you're around her family, be respectful, but keep your eyes on your girlfriend. This whole thing with her family is her job to navigate, your's is like I said, to treat her well. In the end, it will calibrate I believe in your favor.

I have a saying I live by, "when you love someone (something), you do everything right." You're girlfriend will too, it's just an uncomfortable situation to work with, but be patient and supportive of her as she deals with her family. (You didn't mention your family, how are they with all this?)

Cheers for the reply

That's what i tried to say to her, that our best interests as a couple should come first. She continuously says she doesn't want to disappoint her family and is on the cusp of ending the relationship. I told her to take a risk in regards to us and have faith in regards to us, but she's too afraid to take that risk. Her family were refugees from the war, and whilst I'm born here in Australia, so it's a bit different, but she's lived in the country for 20 years now.

I have definitely treated her right and in her own accord she has said, even if i find another partner, no-one will treat me better than you do. So i just don't get the confusion.

My family are fine with it. My parents have even said for my family to invite hers to their house and have a BBQ or something. My parents both think that it's better i find someone from 'the old country' rather than someone in Australia, just cause of the cultural similarities. My father has been preoccupied with his chemotherapy as well, so that's been a bit of a distraction.

I've known this girl for going on 6 years now, where we were friends, and then due to my naivety i didn't want to pursue it further, till i saw how great of a girl she actually is.

March 23, 2014

She has just told me that she can't handle 'my prior faith' that i was born into anymore, cause it will always be in me and wants to call it quits now

March 23, 2014

That is really rough mate, so sorry to hear that. And after all this time. Is it definitely the last word on the subject, without trying to give you false hope seems like you've gone through a lot for it to end this way.

Seems to me that she hasn't enough backbone to fight for you, which is really sad and disappointing.

I'd hope she would reconsider. Are you to remain friends?

March 23, 2014

Don't think i could personally remain friends to be honest. It would just be too difficult. She wants to meet up during the course of the week a few days so we can talk everything out and then come to a decision, but I'm not hopeful

**** happens i guess

March 23, 2014

really rough dude, it will be good discuss things and you can both put your sides on things.

I know what you mean, when you end it with someone you don't want constant reminders about coz it hinders the moving on period.

Hopefully you can work things out, but as you say it doesn't look good.

Try and be strong matey. you have done nothing wrong take strength from the fact that you have done EVERYTHING you can. Have you got some good friends you can spend time with, maybe chat about it.

Family too. Surround yourself with people who care about you and try and do things you enjoy. Keep busy and don't sit in watching day time tv. You work hard, you said? So that should occupy your time.

Hope things look up for you . Sorry dude, I do feel for you

March 23, 2014

Throughly appreciate it all champion!

She just called me on the phone here (midnight). Said wouldn't mind having sex every now and then if we call it quits. I said i couldn't do that. She wants to consistently still go out all the time though which again is hard for me, cause i'll never see her anything than a partner.

I confronted her and said is there any chance of saving the relationship, and she said 'i don't think so. I'll still give it my all.

March 23, 2014

Throughly appreciate it all champion!

She just called me on the phone here (midnight). Said wouldn't mind having sex every now and then if we call it quits. I said i couldn't do that. She wants to consistently still go out all the time though which again is hard for me, cause i'll never see her anything than a partner.

I confronted her and said is there any chance of saving the relationship, and she said 'i don't think so. I'll still give it my all.

Ouch. Sorry you're in this position, OP.

It looks to me like she wants to have her cake and eat it too - ie. call off the relationship but still have you around to meet her physical and emotional needs when she sees fit. I think that's incredibly unfair to you, not to mention a very presumptuous request on her part.

I would be clear with her that if the relationship is over, it is over. No hanging out. No having sex. I believe you will wind up very hurt in this scenario. She will string you along and feed you crumbs but ultimately she will leave you when someone who wouldn't "disappoint" her family comes along. I would call time on this relationship, because it doesn't sound as though she wants to put any more effort into making it work or building a future with you.

March 24, 2014

Cheers expat.

It's weird cause she has been texting me literally all day. Saying how i complete her and what not, and how the only good thing in her life is me, and how we are meant for one another, but she still wants to break it off.

It makes no sense to me. Is she just really confused at the moment? We're going to hang out on Wednesday and Friday after work, and on Saturday night she wants to go out to dinner, so i don't know where anything is at

March 24, 2014

Cheers expat.

It's weird cause she has been texting me literally all day. Saying how i complete her and what not, and how the only good thing in her life is me, and how we are meant for one another, but she still wants to break it off.

It makes no sense to me. Is she just really confused at the moment? We're going to hang out on Wednesday and Friday after work, and on Saturday night she wants to go out to dinner, so i don't know where anything is at

sounds like she is verrry confused. Stuck on the fence between having feelings for you and the problem of her family.

It must be annoying coz you feel like you can't move on.

One last go at convincing her when you next meet and if she still doesn't go for it, then it might be time my good sir. .

As much as it hurts, it will hurt you more to keep going with things as they are. If she can't commit to you now, this problem may raise its ugly head over and over.

Could you meet her family and discuss things with them? Angle maybe not thought of. Might be very hard, but perhaps they could see things in a different light if you all sat around a table together and discussed it.

March 24, 2014

You're all fantastic and you have no idea how much i appreciate all this advice!

I agree, i'm not going to force her, but i keep telling her that perhaps she has to look into what makes her happy, and not everyone else around her. She has said through her bouts of depression, i was the only one who saved her, while her family put her under intense pressure.

It's very frustrating, and worrying for me obviously. I have considered this and we will have a really long talk about it, hours long perhaps all night just to sort it all out. We have briefed on the topic before when she was worried but decided she couldn't be without me.

A little background on our families. We are both from the Former Yugoslavia. She is from Serbia, and I'm from Bosnia. I was born into an islamic family and converted to Christian Orthodoxy around 2006. Obviously with the tensions between the two nations, it's understandable why there might be hostility and all. She was always worried that she would have to get married 'in a mosque' despite me converting away from that faith.

I've asked for us to all sit down and talk , but i think she's afraid of the uncomfortableness of the conversation and hasn't done it yet. I asked her if she would want to talk to my family in regards to her having no affiliation to islam if it made her more certain, but so far nothing. Ironically enough though, her relative converted to islam and put on a head scarf and her family was understand, so that just puzzles it more, despite me regularly going to church, and celebrating the festivities.

It is a very touchy subject especially from the region we are from.

March 24, 2014

good luck mate, good you can meet and chat.

Really would help if the families could at least talk. Even if the answer is still no, I don't want my daughter to see you. Your investment in this women, surely justifies them in giving you an hour or so of their time.

March 25, 2014

Tomorrow's the big day for me. Im scared and I'm optimistic, but not too a great point. We've been texting all the time still and i asked are you going to make me the happiest person tomorrow, and she said i don't think so. There's a bit of doubt on her part and on mine (yes I'm clutching at straws)

She has said that the relationship won't survive to me just a while ago, but she's different in person, very different. Maybe I'm being too optimistic.

March 25, 2014

try to remember ALL that has been said, done and advised on. And with that in your mind, all you can do is put your side and try and get her to see that this could work. Fingers crossed dude, but prepare for the worst, ok ?

Can you talk to her family in person?

Let us know mate

March 25, 2014

try to remember ALL that has been said, done and advised on. And with that in your mind, all you can do is put your side and try and get her to see that this could work. Fingers crossed dude, but prepare for the worst, ok ?

Can you talk to her family in person?

Let us know mate

Definitely prepared for the worst, it's going to be tough. I asked do you want to see me again and she said i want to spend the weekend together. I'm not going to force her to do anything, just convince i guess.

thanks champion, i really appreciate it.

March 25, 2014

cool beans, sounds like you have the right attitude

March 26, 2014

So today i had the chat with her. She said she wants to end things but only cause she doesn't want to be the 'black sheep' in the family. That's the sole purpose of it, which i find a bit ridiculous.

I told her that i think she's just confused at the moment and if i need to give her time to come around, i will, and she remained silent. She kept balling her eyes out, crying all afternoon. She doesn't want to disappoint her family was the main thing she kept saying, despite saying 'i think I'm doing the wrong thing and right thing at the same time'. She wants to have one 'final romantic date' on saturday and after that cut ties off, only for random sex at times.

What do you guys think i should go from here on in? I'm pretty crushed, but i have to think rational too

March 26, 2014

So today i had the chat with her. She said she wants to end things but only cause she doesn't want to be the 'black sheep' in the family. That's the sole purpose of it, which i find a bit ridiculous.

I told her that i think she's just confused at the moment and if i need to give her time to come around, i will, and she remained silent. She kept balling her eyes out, crying all afternoon. She doesn't want to disappoint her family was the main thing she kept saying, despite saying 'i think I'm doing the wrong thing and right thing at the same time'. She wants to have one 'final romantic date' on saturday and after that cut ties off, only for random sex at times.

What do you guys think i should go from here on in? I'm pretty crushed, but i have to think rational too

I would definitely not meet for sex at times. She isn't thinking of you with that comment. I can see she is confused and conflicted between you and her family.

I take it her family wont hear you out?

Must be very hard for both of you, you've done ALL you can do and take stock from that. Sorry mate, try and get on with your life as well as you can. In time you will get over it.

March 26, 2014

I would definitely not meet for sex at times. She isn't thinking of you with that comment. I can see she is confused and conflicted between you and her family.

I agree. I think she is wanting that because something in her is unsure and she wants to keep you around. But I think when someone breaks up with you, you have to show them the consequences of that and go no contact, at least for a while. Then they know what the implication of their decision is and you're better able to move on.

March 26, 2014

What do you guys think i should go from here on in? I'm pretty crushed, but i have to think rational too

I'm from one of your neighbouring countries in Eastern Europe. I can't claim to have faced your issues but I am familiar with your society. I am also much older than you are.

I would start thinking about moving on OP. The thing is, this woman isn't strong enough to conquer life's problems on your side as they arise. You know this isn't the last major issue you face. What if you had children? What if her family wanted to get involved strongly in their education? What if your gf/wife didn't stand up to them then?

I don't think she is the right woman for you. Forget the sex part, she wants to move on at her own pace, without regards for you.

March 26, 2014

So she sent me a text this evening saying that she can't bare to see me this Saturday and it will only make it harder, so it's officially over now. I feel a bit hurt that it was over text, but I'm more hurt that she showed no effort to fight for it, cause she said she hasn't got the heart to it. She didn't even allow me the opportunity to talk it over with her parents cause 'she knows how they are', which i found very unfair, considering i couldn't stake a claim for myself.

She was very reluctant, very hurt by it. To quote her 'devastated', as am i obviously, cause 4 and a half years is a long time. I think personally this isn't the end of this, and it will drag on a lot longer, or maybe I'm just clutching onto straws. She said herself, she's never been treated better by anyone in her life, her family, friends, no-one, i surpassed it.

I will attempt to get her back, cause me and her are quite alike, in the sense we are both sensitive, both know how much we mean to one another, and what not. Maybe this is just me attempting to try and save everything, but we are both crushed. She has been crying all night, and i have been pretty upset myself. Again not to sound repetitive but i guess I'm just angry by the fact she wasn't willing to 'fight'. She asked me if i thought she was selfish, which i said no, i understood, but i was disappointed by the fact she just had no fight

March 26, 2014

OP, I don't want to be an insensitive jackass - but are you sure there isn't something/someone else behind this breakup?

March 26, 2014

OP, I don't want to be an insensitive jackass - but are you sure there isn't something/someone else behind this breakup?

You're entitled to your thought, so no offence taken, but no definitely not. This is the sole purpose. She has said she will also continue to wear her 'promise ring' every single day and was destroyed i didn't wear mine.

I'm getting the vibe that you feel the reasoning isn't worthy enough? Cause that's how i feel about it also

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