freebird31 Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 (edited) How could they not miss the affection, the bond and love that the relationship came with? It has been 11 months now and 7 months NC and even to this day, I would be lying if I said I didn't miss any of it. Or that everything is perfect without him. Obviously he doesn't feel the same, because he makes the decision every day to not be with me. I just don't get it. 7 months NC has been a long time to give someone their space to figure out what they want. He told me still is attracted to me last time we spoke. I just don't get how someone can be okay with making the decision to not be with someone, to choose to miss them instead. I know he is focusing on his last few years in college. But how does the human mind cope with it when YOU are the one making the decision. ? Does he thinking it's best for himself at this time? I guess I'll never understand. It's been a whole year. And I haven't moved on. The pain is gone!! But I find myself still trying to heal. I know that he misses me and that the feelings are still there. I understand his main focus in life is getting his bachelors degree so he can get his dream career. The timing sucked with us. But I just wonder, does he tell himself that he has to focus on his career to validate the decision he made to not have a relationship? I just am so curious as to how someone can cope with letting someone u really, really cared about go? I'm on the receiving end. He was the one making the decision. I just wonder how he copes with it, if his coping is anything like how I am coping. I really miss him. And wish we were more mature and older so we cod have dealt with this issue in a more mature way. We could have made it work somehow. We let a good thing go too easy. But we are both early 20s, first serious relationship. I didn't know any better . Maybe he didn't either. Edited March 22, 2014 by freebird31 2
BC1980 Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 At some point, you have to accept that there will never be answers to some of your questions. You've got to focus on yourself. You can't get into the mind of someone else. It's tempting to keep trying to write and rewrite the breakup story, but it's futile. Leave it be, and close this chapter. 7
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 Early 20's?? Most likely he didn't want to be tied down. Very common at that age. You should be happily single as well. IMO - That's too young to be in a serious relationship... Time to live. Experience things and people. 1
redbaron005 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 And wish we were more mature and older so we cod have dealt with this issue in a more mature way. We could have made it work somehow. We let a good thing go too easy. But we are both early 20s, first serious relationship. I didn't know any better . Maybe he didn't either. Feel for you freebird and feel the same way. First serious relationship and wish we were both older and wiser. Keep your head up 1
Author freebird31 Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 At some point, you have to accept that there will never be answers to some of your questions. You've got to focus on yourself. You can't get into the mind of someone else. It's tempting to keep trying to write and rewrite the breakup story, but it's futile. Leave it be, and close this chapter. i want to move on, maybe date other guys. on one hand i think i wont let go of him until i start dating and getting out there. but on the other hand, how the hell can someone just jump from giving their entire heart to someone, to giving to another? I honestly dont know how people can find it in them to fall in love a second time. esp when the feelings are still there for the first person. that just seems like it would be a whirlwind of emotion. i just feel stuck in this limbo. been in this limbo for a year. dont think ill get out of it til i move on to someone else and forget my ex. and i just dont quite know how to do that when the feelings are still there.
Author freebird31 Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 Early 20's?? Most likely he didn't want to be tied down. Very common at that age. You should be happily single as well. IMO - That's too young to be in a serious relationship... Time to live. Experience things and people. ya i guess. i hate being a chick. wish i was a dude with that type of mentality.
BC1980 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 dont think ill get out of it til i move on to someone else and forget my ex. Please don't do this. You haven't yet processed your grief, so you will transfer all of your problems onto another relationship. There are tons of books out there that will help you deal with your grief and let go. I recommend a book called "Getting Past Your Breakup," which actually walks you through grief specifically related to a breakup/divorce. It saved my life. Don't stay in limbo. You deserve a better life. 4
limbophase Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Please don't do this. You haven't yet processed your grief, so you will transfer all of your problems onto another relationship. There are tons of books out there that will help you deal with your grief and let go. I recommend a book called "Getting Past Your Breakup," which actually walks you through grief specifically related to a breakup/divorce. It saved my life. Don't stay in limbo. You deserve a better life. Sounds like that may help. Going through the same stuff myself. I think it's going to take me so much time to truly get over it. I'm rooting for you all. You all sound great, and deserve a love that's worthy of you. I hope I can find it again soon. Maybe you can read my story and see if there's anything to help. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/466701-slowly-moving-but-i-have-days-when-i-look-back#post5585288
L1ght Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 When somebody you used to be affectionate with no longer seeks your affection even though you know how much that affection used to mean to them I think that you seriously has to consider the possibility that they are seeking that affection somewhere else. I mean I felt the same as you do now for about a year after the break up....I would look back and be totally incapable of understanding how they didn't need me any more when once upon a time their world revolved around me. Surely they replaced us. Other than that it would mean they just wanted to be alone but generally I don't think that's the case since people get used to having someone to can rely on and share with. You can't force people to love you...all you can do is ask for the truth and then move on with your life. If they don't tell you the truth then it's more of a reflection of how worthless they are and not you. Keep your chin up. It gets better. 2
Itspointless Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 And wish we were more mature and older so we cod have dealt with this issue in a more mature way. We could have made it work somehow. I do not want to be a cynical prick who happens to be in his mid-thirties, but the premise 'older and wiser' does not really follow. More experience and knowledge does not mean at all that people are wiser and more capable of dealing with others in a kind, just and humane way. It is what we hope for. 4
JDPT Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Freebird- you have for too long tried to rationalize the irrational going nowhere fast. There are certain things in life that are best left alone, and walk away knowing that in time all those things you found to be imperative are no longer of importance or relevance to you and your life. Don't date, don't become codependent learn to stand firm on your own two feet. Know that you are this stand alone unit that can more than fend for yourself. Understand that life goes on and nothing remains stagnant. You must shift the spotlight onto you. It's your life, take charge. 5
Author freebird31 Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 Sometimes I just don't think I can do that though, stand strong . I feel a loneliness inside all the time, every single day for a year. Aside from the loneliness, I feel a brokeness from everything that happened with the break up. I feel like I am trying to better my life and I have, I've been working on my BS degree and I just started a volunteer job. And I've made new friends at school. But I guess it is just in my own personal nature that I feel lonely, not complete, broken, & like something is missing. Even before I dated my ex, I have always felt a little lonely. I'm just antisocial in some ways and I tend to keep a wall up I can't break it down because I've tried many times and I can't. The only time I ever felt complete was when I was with my ex. I had a partner. I guess I am codependent. I hate it. I don't know or think I can change that about myself. What I truly want is true friends, but those don't come around too often. I guess I have always been alone and used to it. But when my ex came into the picture I never experienced a bigger joy. It's probably a lot easier for my ex, he is naturally sociable he easily makes new friends. He moved in with roommates this past year so he has already built those bonds and that family-like bond. I don't have that like he does. He has people to surround him. Although he did tell me he never trusted anyone, I do believe he has a lot of support. I truly envy that. I do. He is very lucky. I guess I'm in this one alone.
singme2sleep Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 How could they not miss the affection, the bond and love that the relationship came with? It has been 11 months now and 7 months NC and even to this day, I would be lying if I said I didn't miss any of it. Or that everything is perfect without him. Obviously he doesn't feel the same, because he makes the decision every day to not be with me. I just don't get it. 7 months NC has been a long time to give someone their space to figure out what they want. He told me still is attracted to me last time we spoke. I just don't get how someone can be okay with making the decision to not be with someone, to choose to miss them instead. I know he is focusing on his last few years in college. But how does the human mind cope with it when YOU are the one making the decision. ? Does he thinking it's best for himself at this time? I guess I'll never understand. It's been a whole year. And I haven't moved on. The pain is gone!! But I find myself still trying to heal. I know that he misses me and that the feelings are still there. I understand his main focus in life is getting his bachelors degree so he can get his dream career. The timing sucked with us. But I just wonder, does he tell himself that he has to focus on his career to validate the decision he made to not have a relationship? I just am so curious as to how someone can cope with letting someone u really, really cared about go? I'm on the receiving end. He was the one making the decision. I just wonder how he copes with it, if his coping is anything like how I am coping. I really miss him. And wish we were more mature and older so we cod have dealt with this issue in a more mature way. We could have made it work somehow. We let a good thing go too easy. But we are both early 20s, first serious relationship. I didn't know any better . Maybe he didn't either. Well I can relate a lot to your situation. Many times I've asked myself the same questions you're wondering now and it sucks to not get the answers. But I agree with another poster who said that sometimes we must accept the fact that we won't get any answers. Though it's frustrating, just try to tell yourself one day things will make sense. My ex always said I was the only woman he wanted and all that other stuff but he's been going on his merry way for a year now, without me. Of course it hurts, but at least I'll never have regrets because I'm not the one who threw away our relationship. Honestly you sound like a good person and deserve better than him. Chin up!! 1
Author freebird31 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Posted March 24, 2014 so are we just supposed to accept that we have to cut someone out of our life? thats it? how can we live with cutting someone permanently out of your life, who was once a big part. it just doesnt seem fair. how can you cope with that kind of loss? and how are u supposed to continue to date, knowing that this will happen again? and again, and again.....geez, thats a whole lot of suffering sometimes, maybe i wish it was best i didnt meet him. he placed a light in side of my heart and a love i never knew before i met him, and now its just done, gone. ive been grieving for a year now. a year. im so tired of grieving over him. i just want the grief to go away. /:
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 I am also at a year. My mind still struggles to make sense of what happened. To put some order to it. Some understanding. But there is none. It's quite frustrating and scary... 3
Haydn Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 It can hurt so much. But `what if`s` make it worse. Accept and push on with life. so are we just supposed to accept that we have to cut someone out of our life? thats it? how can we live with cutting someone permanently out of your life, who was once a big part. it just doesnt seem fair. how can you cope with that kind of loss? and how are u supposed to continue to date, knowing that this will happen again? and again, and again.....geez, thats a whole lot of suffering sometimes, maybe i wish it was best i didnt meet him. he placed a light in side of my heart and a love i never knew before i met him, and now its just done, gone. ive been grieving for a year now. a year. im so tired of grieving over him. i just want the grief to go away. /: 1
pickflicker Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 so are we just supposed to accept that we have to cut someone out of our life? thats it? how can we live with cutting someone permanently out of your life, who was once a big part. it just doesnt seem fair. how can you cope with that kind of loss? and how are u supposed to continue to date, knowing that this will happen again? and again, and again.....geez, thats a whole lot of suffering sometimes, maybe i wish it was best i didnt meet him. he placed a light in side of my heart and a love i never knew before i met him, and now its just done, gone. ive been grieving for a year now. a year. im so tired of grieving over him. i just want the grief to go away. /: You'll understand it best a). the day you're the dumper and b). when you meet someone better and you realise, they did you the biggest favour in the world - because without them dumping you, you wouldn't meet the love of your life. 2
L1ght Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 (edited) so are we just supposed to accept that we have to cut someone out of our life? thats it? how can we live with cutting someone permanently out of your life, who was once a big part. it just doesnt seem fair. how can you cope with that kind of loss? and how are u supposed to continue to date, knowing that this will happen again? and again, and again.....geez, thats a whole lot of suffering sometimes, maybe i wish it was best i didnt meet him. he placed a light in side of my heart and a love i never knew before i met him, and now its just done, gone. ive been grieving for a year now. a year. im so tired of grieving over him. i just want the grief to go away. /: You lost the game. Accept your loss, pick yourself up, learn from it and tell yourself you will be stronger next time because believe me there will be a next time once you realise you wanna let love into your heart again. The world does not revolve around our most recent ex.....I mean what about the great times we have had with other ex's? think about the good times you have shared with other lovers and use those memories to inspire you to be strong and grow. You can do it! PS......and if you don't have other ex's to use as memories then just focus on the best times you ever had in your life that had absolutely zero to do with your recent ex. Edited March 24, 2014 by L1ght
singme2sleep Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 so are we just supposed to accept that we have to cut someone out of our life? thats it? how can we live with cutting someone permanently out of your life, who was once a big part. it just doesnt seem fair. how can you cope with that kind of loss? and how are u supposed to continue to date, knowing that this will happen again? and again, and again.....geez, thats a whole lot of suffering sometimes, maybe i wish it was best i didnt meet him. he placed a light in side of my heart and a love i never knew before i met him, and now its just done, gone. ive been grieving for a year now. a year. im so tired of grieving over him. i just want the grief to go away. /: But you're not the one who made that choice, he did.
BC1980 Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 so are we just supposed to accept that we have to cut someone out of our life? thats it? how can we live with cutting someone permanently out of your life, who was once a big part. it just doesnt seem fair. how can you cope with that kind of loss? and how are u supposed to continue to date, knowing that this will happen again? and again, and again.....geez, thats a whole lot of suffering sometimes, maybe i wish it was best i didnt meet him. he placed a light in side of my heart and a love i never knew before i met him, and now its just done, gone. ive been grieving for a year now. a year. im so tired of grieving over him. i just want the grief to go away. /: These are all normal thoughts. I've had all these thoughts myself and continue to do so. A lot of what happened seems so unfathomable. I don't know how a person can change so much. I don't know why my ex would build a life with me only to abandon it. The questions are endless, and the answers are few. I guess we just accept it because there's nothing else you can do. You accept it as fact even if you don't understand it, and you accept that you probably won't ever understand it. It's been a year, so you might need to go see someone. If you're still truly stuck on WHY after a year, that's not good. I'm sure we will always wonder WHY, but is it an obsession for you? You seem to be in a holding pattern. I think you have to grieve actively, not passively waiting for it to disappear. Go see someone, or get the book I talked about called "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Elliot. It makes a world of difference not to have to navigate this process on your own. Everything you are going through and thinking is normal, but we want you to break on through to the other side one day. 3
Author freebird31 Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 These are all normal thoughts. I've had all these thoughts myself and continue to do so. A lot of what happened seems so unfathomable. I don't know how a person can change so much. I don't know why my ex would build a life with me only to abandon it. The questions are endless, and the answers are few. I guess we just accept it because there's nothing else you can do. You accept it as fact even if you don't understand it, and you accept that you probably won't ever understand it. It's been a year, so you might need to go see someone. If you're still truly stuck on WHY after a year, that's not good. I'm sure we will always wonder WHY, but is it an obsession for you? You seem to be in a holding pattern. I think you have to grieve actively, not passively waiting for it to disappear. Go see someone, or get the book I talked about called "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Elliot. It makes a world of difference not to have to navigate this process on your own. Everything you are going through and thinking is normal, but we want you to break on through to the other side one day. I will have to check out that book then. I don't understand why I still miss him and long for him some days. I'm just no where near being healed, I'm still healing. This has been one of the hardest years of my existence so far. And may I ask what u mean by grieving actively ? I mean I guess I am waiting for it disappear:/ I really have no other choices. ? I can't start dating. I'm not even ready. Idk. What. To. Do. Anymore.
singme2sleep Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 I will have to check out that book then. I don't understand why I still miss him and long for him some days. I'm just no where near being healed, I'm still healing. This has been one of the hardest years of my existence so far. And may I ask what u mean by grieving actively ? I mean I guess I am waiting for it disappear:/ I really have no other choices. ? I can't start dating. I'm not even ready. Idk. What. To. Do. Anymore. I read that book, it was helpful to an extent.
Author freebird31 Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 I think I'm actually considering counseling. I mean it's provided for free at my school ..I think I'm going to do it. I'm really nervous about it, opening up to a stranger. I mean on here it's a anonymous . But it's going to be really weird . But I have to try it at least :/ I miss my ex so so much...I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this who will understand. Or who can help me anymore. 1
Arieswoman Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 freebird31, I'm sorry you'r going through this. Most of the people who post here have had your experience in one form or another. Here's a book that has some sound, snappy adice and oodles of common sense. It might help you get your thinking back on the right track;- "It's called a 'Breakup' because it's broken" - by Greg Behrendt. I know it's very difficult, but try and see this not as a rejection but as a re-direction - to something better. My divorce was the worst thing that ever happened to me. However, if I had never divorced my exH I would never have met the wonderful man I am now married to. Good Luck.
Recommended Posts