harpsichord Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 Hi everyone I've recently been through 3 months of pure hell. I broke up with my partner whom I was, to be frankly honest, not really happy with, because of a new romantic interest which also quickly ended in me being rejected because of someone else. It was the first time I've ever been rejected and hurt and it left a horrible scar and a hole in me. I felt emotionally drained and like I would never be able to fall in love again. However, I've met someone new. This person has also recently (two months ago) been dumped, and we started getting to know each other, talking, going on dates, sex, etc. It looked kind of like a rebound thing, but I really started liking this person, we are compatible and we have a lot of fun when we are together. However, both of our not-yet-fully-finished romantic baggage started to come back. Even though we've dealt with this (none of us is currently 'friends' with our exes), I feel kind of insecure and not sure if I can develop feelings for this new person properly, even though I really want to. To put it simply, I feel damaged. My question is for those of you who have had similar experiences: can pure romantic feelings develop over time in situations like this or must I take a cooling-off period for being alone until I can heal by myself properly?
Gaeta Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 I think you are ahead of yourself here. You and her both understand you are freshly out of relationships and this is critical time. No one is asking of you to develop genuine feelings right away right? or ever developing more than friendship. If you enjoy this relationship for what it is now, if both of you appreciate each other's company, if both of you aren't ready to take it further then why worry where this is going? Just live each day at a time. You may date for a while and both part ways after you've got back on your feet, nothing wrong with that if you both understand it's a possibility, you may also take it beyond casual dating, and you both understand it's a possibility, just let it develop on its own. That being said, if she has express the desire of taking this relationship beyond what you have now and you don't feel ready this is another story.
soccerrprp Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 Although I do agree with Gaeta to some extent, the danger is that you or "we" oftentimes don't have control over with whom we develop feelings for. The longer you are with someone, the likely you will begin or further develop feelings for that person. The "best" thing to do really is not to date until you have distanced yourself from your recent break-ups, otherwise, their is NO guarantee that you will not be hurt. You're both rebounding possibly...dangerous for either of you.
Gaeta Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 Although I do agree with Gaeta to some extent, the danger is that you or "we" oftentimes don't have control over with whom we develop feelings for. The longer you are with someone, the likely you will begin or further develop feelings for that person. The "best" thing to do really is not to date until you have distanced yourself from your recent break-ups, otherwise, their is NO guarantee that you will not be hurt. You're both rebounding possibly...dangerous for either of you. And I agree with what you're saying. OP thinks he won't be able to develop feelings again, not that he may end up heart broken again. If he end up with a heartbreak then he gets the answer he's been looking for, yes you can fall in love while on rebound.
RedRobin Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 hopping from person to person hoping to find or keep that 'high' is not the best way to go through life. What is the longest period you've ever been single? 2
smackie9 Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 I say you are just setting yourself up for another rejection. Hopping into another relationship to hide from the hurt instead of taking time out to actually heal from your experience is just plain dumb. Obviously you don't want to wait to get rid of your baggage, so the next step is to have a talk with him about it, and just get it out there. He is probably under the impression this arrangement is temporary, so you better clarify with him your pending expectations before you get too emotionally invested. If he isn't on the same page, at least you know to accept it for what it is or move on.
GemmaUK Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 Where you say you feel damaged. Is it that you feel like you're being a fraud in the new relationship or is it that you are still mulling over (and possibly still even feeling anger or pain) over the break up and the rejection? I was with someone for only 7 months up until April last year. I had a lot going on in my life that happened pretty much straight after (big flood at my house due to old pipework) so spent all summer with workmen here sorting all of the damage out. It got to November me thinking I was OK but then what had happened in that brief relationship all began to work around my mind. By Christmas I realised I wasn't OK and needed to figure out what had been happening during the relationship. I did a lot of research an found the answers I was looking for and only literally last week did I feel like dipping my toe back into dating again. I know that if I had tried to meet someone or date all the time since the split that I would have felt 'not into it' and a bit of a fraud - which could have hurt someone new who didn't deserve it. I think it is possible for some to go from one relationship to another but for many it doesn't work out well. Each relationship is a learning curve but I don't think people grow much unless they take the time to grow themselves, just literally 'be themselves' in between those relationships. The other side of what you have now is that you are both in similar situations. You could actually talk about it with each other - both of you would then know exactly where you two are right now and it could help both of you out. I know they say you shouldn't talk about past relationships but actually many folk do and sometimes it's not a bad thing to do at all. It's better to talk than to clam up and lose someone potentially great for you who may have happened to come along at an emotionally exhausting time.
Author harpsichord Posted March 22, 2014 Author Posted March 22, 2014 Ok, I see I have to make some things clear. First of all, I've talked with this new guy about what we're going through and we decided we should be careful and take things slow since we don't want to get hurt again. This happened after I told him I think I'm starting to develop feelings for him. He is as well, I can feel it, but he's more careful I think so he told me we should go slow. Also, we actually kind of bonded by talking about our exes and how we had a similar thing happen to us, so that's not an issue and we're openly communicating about what's happening with everything. I don't have feelings for my ex (the one that dumped me), it's just that I feel like all of the emotions I gave him have simply left me for good and I feel empty and drained. I'm not sure if it's the insecurity and fear of being hurt again or this emptiness which is preventing me from falling in love again. Also, it's true what some of you have said about me being afraid of being alone. I've been alone for a year before my last 3-year relationship which ended recently. Now is not a really good period in my life generally and I think I might be using romantic drama as an excuse for not thinking about where my other aspects of life are heading (academic, professional, etc.)
Author harpsichord Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 Hopefully I can find the strength not to invest myself in this new thing, to let go of the worrying, and when it ends, accept that being alone is not that bad after all.
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