Taking your ex back after cheating

[Talldrink]

Hi I'm here desperately seeking advice. My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years. We have 1 child together and another on the way. A little before Christmas I discovered that my bf had been emailing women on Craigslist and other hook-up sites. He emailed several women and attached naked pictures of himself.

 

When he got a response from the women that included naked pics of themselves he would stop emailing them and email different women. So he never talked to one specific woman or never had more then 2 messages with each person. He had been doing this for months before I found out. I kicked him out when I found out and told him I didn't want to be with him anymore. He was very upset. A few days later we started to work it out and we got back together although he didn't fully move back in for a few weeks.

 

Just recently I found out that the night that I kicked him out and broke up with him he went and did drugs with a girl that he knows because he works with her exbf and he ended up sleeping with her. As soon as he knew we had a chance to work things out he didn't talk to her and nothing else happened. Now we know I'm pregnant and i have kicked him out again although we are not broken up. He is begging to come back but idk what to do. He did the craiglist stuff before and then slept with someone the same night we broke up.

 

Should I take him back??? He also has bad anxiety issues he has never been treated for and he says he has trouble controlling his impulses and dealing with it positively. Any advice on anxiety would help too.

Edited March 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Poppyolive]

This guy is dumb....it takes two to create a healthy, loving, fulfilling relationship he is straight up...no 2 ways about it not playing his part. If he has anxiety no control issues they are his to sort out. He knew what he was doing chatting, exchanging pictures with these other women...who knows for sure he didn't actually hook up with them or how about the sites you don't know about? Then when **** hits the fan instead of taking responsibility and seeking help me goes and hooks up with another women...

 

This guy is not healthy for you, your child and the child you are carrying....and HE knows it. Look at the example he is setting? By taking him back he's suffered no consequences and it will start up again...if it hasn't already.

 

This guy is a right piece of work...I'm sorry this is happening to you. This hurt & pain he is causing you and your family. My advice is stay apart and let him work through his issues and in time he can show you his work...take him back now and you are teaching him its OK...but to maybe cover his ass better next time.

 

He has no respect or love for you. And he is showing you that.

[Talldrink]

Thank you for your reply. I neglected to mention that after the craigslist ordeal I only took him back after he completed a lie detector test. He passed on the questions on cheating and meeting up with anyone from craiglist so I took him back with the stipulation that he begin therapy. He began the therapy and seemed to be doing ok but then I found out about the stuff that happened before. However the same time I found out that he had slept with someone on this break I also found out that he had bribed the lie detector administrator $1200 to say that he passed the question about never cheating on me. He failed that question however passed on the dating website questions. He days he failed because he slept with the woman on our break but thought he would pass because it wasn't technically cheating. Crazy... I know. Also I know that I need to take some time to figure this out as it is a big decision either way. But idk if I should even be entertaining getting back with him after all this. He has made counseling appts and psychiatrist appts and I will have to see some big changes before I take him back. But idk if that will even ever be enough. Sometimes I feel like I should just cut my loses and move on now instead of waiting for him to change.

[Poppyolive]

Lie detector, bribing, what else has this guy got to do?

 

Yes don't take him back. You deserve to be treated with love, respect, honesty & compassion... This douche has none... I know it will be over whelming & painful as there is kids involved...do it for them, for you...his behavior, issues, therapy need not be your business anymore...just you, your heart, health, mind & babies. You will be OK. Open up your path to happiness first step is getting rid of him....

[Talldrink]

Please help!!!!!Here is a quick synopsis of our 4 year relationship. First year he admitted to doing cocaine for a month. We broke up for a few days he visited a female friend at work and home during this time..who knows what happened? Year 2 we broke up because of various issues with families and ex's I moved out. Found out I was pregnant with our first child, got back together. During break up he had a one night stand. That he just admitted to. Year three found out he was addicted to heroin and pain pills when he was trying to quit and he started withdrawals. Year 4 he visited hookup sites and emailed naked pics of himself to girls and received naked pics. He never talk talked to one woman in particular for any length of time. I kicked him out and we broke up. That same night he did heroin and had a one night stand. Took a lie detector test failed the question have you ever cheated and bribed the lie detector guy to send me results saying he passed. We got back together baby number 2 is on the way. I just found out about both one night stands and the lie detector test bribery so he has moved out again. He has bad anxiety and claims that after treatment and work he will not do these things and wants me to take him back pending therapy outcomes. Idk if I should just forget about ever getting back with him even after therapy or if I should stick around to see if he changes. Can people really change that much? Is anxiety really manageable? Please help!

[Grumpybutfun]

He is a cheater, a liar and an addict. This is who you chose to co-parent your children? I can't imagine that is such a good feeling and I am having some inability to comprehend why you are having such a hard time deciding whether or not this is someone to stay with but it is what you have presented. Unhealthy dysfunction for a prolonged period of time distorts our view of the world and yours is very dysfunctional.

 

Yes, people can change but he has shown the inability to in the past so his chances of actually following through are next to nil by just a nano inch.

 

You have two choices here. One, understand that he has issues within himself and has no self control or boundaries, and move on with your life only having to deal with his drama when issues about your children come up. Take control of your own life and stop allowing him to steer your life course by you just reacting to his bad behavior.

 

The other choice is to accept that this is who he and live with this kind of drama every year. Remember your children are being taught by example and by doing this you are condoning cheating, drug use, addictive codependency, and dishonesty.

 

Please do not bring anymore children into this sad disturbing situation. Do whatever you have to do to prevent this even if it is abstinence or tubal ligation.

 

You have to take control of your own life and decide if you want a life where you are sabotaging your happiness by being with someone who isn't invested in your marriage, himself, your children or you.

Good luck,

Grumps

[Pineappls]

You have kids. So thats the priority!

 

TThey should not go true all this anxiety and stress and drama.

Home should be where you feel safe and rest and happy.

 

 

It looks like he have deep down issues. And what you are doing is not helping him.

And it only helps him to keep hanging into his pain.

 

He needs to go into counselling and face his issues and step by step go true the healing process.

Its not something you do a couple of weeks. Its a process.

And depends of how big the hurt is and if he is getting the right help.

And also able to let go with time and forgive.etc. Its noting easy, but its shore not

impossible.

 

If you really care for him, you can be part of his support system together with his parents , family and freinds.

By being a listening ear or giving encouragement. All this by putting the kids first.

So if you see its asking to much of you that it effects the kids or you towards the kids, take a step back or cut it off if needed.

And you dont have to sleep with him or take him into the house to give him this type of support.

 

If you want to do this, have a adult calm conversation with him about in what way only you want and can support him and why. Be clear and specific.

And stand by it.

[Talldrink]

Thank you for the honest feedback and opinion that's what I'm here for. I guess what I'm struggling with is that I know he is a good person with a good heart but that he also has some serious issues. He grew up with an alcoholic father and had a very traumatic childhood and I believe that is where his issues come from. I know that the lack of him dealing with it has made things worse and that was up to him. But I think he was trying. He saw 3 different counselors and I went a few times too but they all sucked. We just found one a month ago that is better. He started meds that worked wonders but we lost our ins. On the regular he was a great man to me. Working hard all day and coming home at night to help me with the kids and dinner. We had a very normal life he did not go out partying ever and was present for all my kids practices and games and was there for me and our family. When he was doing drugs he mostly took pain pills at work (he does manual labor) and came home to help me and acted totally normal. But he was always plagued by anxiety having panic attacks, being needy, insecure and having irrational fears that I didn't love him wasn't attracted to him and I think after a period of feeling that and finding no relief and having no way to deal with those feelings healthily he would make bad choices and deal with it in negative ways. Ie drugs which he has done about 6 months out of the 4 years and getting validation from women on line. It seems to be a classic case of self medication. That's just a little but more of a complete picture of our life together. But you are correct I still am left with 2 choices I just wanted to hear other perspectives because sometimes I do not trust my own because I am so enmeshed and in love with this good mad that does terrible things sometimes. Not a bad man that acts good sometimes. It is also difficult to be pregnant throughout this mess of a situation as I did not know any thing about the other woman or the online women or the fake lie detector until after I became pregnant. Knew he had anxiety and had done drugs sometimes.

[Grumpybutfun]

Thank you for the honest feedback and opinion that's what I'm here for. I guess what I'm struggling with is that I know he is a good person with a good heart but that he also has some serious issues. He grew up with an alcoholic father and had a very traumatic childhood and I believe that is where his issues come from. I know that the lack of him dealing with it has made things worse and that was up to him. But I think he was trying. He saw 3 different counselors and I went a few times too but they all sucked. We just found one a month ago that is better. He started meds that worked wonders but we lost our ins. On the regular he was a great man to me. Working hard all day and coming home at night to help me with the kids and dinner. We had a very normal life he did not go out partying ever and was present for all my kids practices and games and was there for me and our family. When he was doing drugs he mostly took pain pills at work (he does manual labor) and came home to help me and acted totally normal. But he was always plagued by anxiety having panic attacks, being needy, insecure and having irrational fears that I didn't love him wasn't attracted to him and I think after a period of feeling that and finding no relief and having no way to deal with those feelings healthily he would make bad choices and deal with it in negative ways. Ie drugs which he has done about 6 months out of the 4 years and getting validation from women on line. It seems to be a classic case of self medication. That's just a little but more of a complete picture of our life together. But you are correct I still am left with 2 choices I just wanted to hear other perspectives because sometimes I do not trust my own because I am so enmeshed and in love with this good mad that does terrible things sometimes. Not a bad man that acts good sometimes. It is also difficult to be pregnant throughout this mess of a situation as I did not know any thing about the other woman or the online women or the fake lie detector until after I became pregnant. Knew he had anxiety and had done drugs sometimes.

 

Look, I can relate as my little wife's childhood was the horror that people write memoirs about. She had PTSD, flinched when anyone put anything near her face, couldn't sleep due to her mother beating her at night for no reason, depression, etc. Yet, she didn't just say this therapist sucks and I am okay treating you poorly with this pent up deep seated anger so she did whatever it took to get better. People who are abused have coping mechanisms, yes, but they figure out really quick that when those coping mechanisms get to a point where they are a part of their personality they have to move mountains in order to get rid of them, therefore dealing with their childhood trauma. He needs to replace those bad coping mechanisms rather than self medicate with ones that are destructive to you and your family. If he doesn't, he has no right to be around you or your children anymore. If someone would rather put their family through stuff like this than get help, they aren't wanting to change. Stop making excuses for him and make him get help. I would go without a lot of things to help my wife heal so make the money, figure it out. We all think nothing of spending money on other things but we can't on mental health when your husband is flailing about making a mess of all of your lives. Cut out cable, no more eating out, skimp on clothes for the adults, whatever it takes, do it. Do some research, call behavioral clinics, ask for help and make payment plans, whatever it takes. This is for your family.

 

Also, I don't think he was going to an accredited counselor for child abuse or you would not have been allowed to go. Make sure he gets one who is for adults who were abused as a child. Otherwise, my advice still stands. Child abuse is epidemic. There are many healthy functional adults who were abused and don't cheat, become addicts and lie to their family. They do whatever they have to in order to heal so their kids won't grow up to be like them.

 

You do understand that drug addiction, cheating on you, and telling lies are considered mental abuse to you and your children, don't you? You might think because it doesn't happen everyday that your children aren't being affected and you would be wrong. Read up on this. Go to your library and get the dirty on emotional, verbal, mental, and physical abuse. You cannot do this for him and he isn't going to do anything until you stop accepting excuses and start placing boundaries. If he won't get help, make excuses, keeps acting like he doesn't like the therapists, then he is perfectly happy in his choices and he is using excuses about his childhood in order to behave exactly how he wants. I can believe that three counselors he went to were terrible only if he went to thirty. Statistically, this doesn't make sense that he just happened to land on the three worse counselors in your county or Parrish. Some people are manipulative and know exactly how to get away with bad behavior. He may be using alcoholic father as an excuse to get you off his back. Addicts and cheaters will lie to the end of the world so verify with people who won't lie for him that he indeed grew up with this stuff.

Regardless, he has to stop cheating,lying, and drugs or you have to leave because good guys don't put their families through stuff like this regardless of internal past issues.

Good luck,

Grumps

[No Limit]

Being a "good guy" in the inside isn't worth much. Especially because you can't determine that no matter how long you might have lived with him.

 

He lies, he takes drugs, he jumps for strange beds as soon as he gets the chance to and his self-esteem is so desperately depending on what other women think of him that he even sends nude pictures of himself to other women.

 

Honestly unless he can fly like Superman there's no reason to take him back.

[Talldrink]

He has made an appt with our local guidance clinic to find group therapy, see a psychiatrist, and have individual therapy. I have agreed to support him emotionally throughout this process but with boundaries. He had to do it, I cannot be his only support, he needs to give me space when I need it to put me first, and he cannot continue to beg and ask to come home. If he wants my support he cannot do drugs or seek out other negative ways to cope with his anxiety. I think this is the right choice for us even though this still leaves me vulnerable to his hurtful ways. But we have children together and I want him to make better choices to be a better father and I know he would have a much harder time without me supporting him when I can and when it's healthy for me. If he makes big enough changes I would consider getting back with him after many months or even a year of consistent healthy behaviors and choices, honesty, and a commitment and effort to make a real change. I feel I owe it to my children to give him the opportunity to be the man he claims he can be and the man that me and my children need to be healthy and happy. If he can't I will cut my loses and move on. I told him last night I will only be with you if you contribute to my happiness and a happy life for our kids I cannot be with you if you continue to cause pain and stress and unhappiness. Thank you all for the replies. Thank you grumpy urging for giving me examples from your personal life. I feel I have a pretty good plan. The best I could come up with for now. I guess I'll have to see where it takes me.

[HeartBroken082]

I was with an ex for 6 years, and he was doing the same thing (online stuff), which included phone calls, texts..not 100% he met any of the women, but we went to counselling, i took him back numerous times and he never changed. I wish I left him the first time and saved myself all those years.

[tbf]

Reread everything you've written. When will enough be enough? He's not changing his behaviour in any permanent manner since a nod to what you want and a sympathy plea, gets him back in the door.

 

You're the pregnant one and now you've agreed to emotionally support him, even though he's one big fail.