Jump to content
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted
Okay I know I am going to get beat up over this and I am sure I deserve it but I needed to tell this to ease my own mind.

 

5 years ago my husband went through some health problems, we had been married 25 years.

For about a year he never felt good and we did not have sex. I was always by his side and always took care of him but it was very hard on me also. I was missing human touch.

I joined this local gym to just get out and relieve some stress and have some time to myself. I was going every morning 5 days a week. After a couple of months there I was getting in pretty good shape for a 45 year old woman.

 

One day this guy came over and started talking to me. He was in his 30's tall muscular and very handsome. He told me that he had been seeing me there for awhile now and that he could tell how fit I was getting and that my body was changing.

 

I just smiled and blew it off. Then everyday he was coming up to me talking to me and always complementing me. I must admit I was enjoying the conversations with him.

Then one day he asked if I wanted to have lunch, he knew I was married I had told him. At first I said no. Then a few days later he asked me again and I am not sure why but I said okay.

Not to go into details but I ended up having a sexual affair with him. It was just about sex with him at least. I would meet him in the mornings or after work and on Saturdays at his apartment. We would spend an hour to two having sex then I would leave.

 

After about 4 months one day he broke up with me. It did hurt me. I cried and was upset for several weeks and quit going to the gym. My husband noticed this and asked what was wrong with me. I said nothing but I know he suspected something.

 

After a few weeks I came to the realization that I was a 45 year old woman who has been married for 25 years, suck it up and get back to reality. I changed my mind set and my husbands health issues got better and our sex life got back to normal and is great. Now I know how stupid I was for what I did but I feel like I appreciate my marriage and husband even more now for doing something stupid that could have lost it all.

 

My husband asked me once a year later if I had an affair during that time and I said no. He said if I did he would understand because he felt he was not much of a husband then. I denied it.

I have always felt guilty about it and have never told anyone about it. I have thought about confessing to my husband and telling him all but I think that would only make me feel better and might ruin our marriage.

 

I would like to know what others think or if someone else has been in this situation.

 

I would tell.

Posted
Quiet, I would never be considered a conflict avoider. LOL. I love true intimacy. In spite of having an outside relationship for a long time, my spouse and I get along great and have a very fulfilling life, emotionally and sexually. I am in a good place with my spouse. I got something from both OM and H. I believe you can connect to just more than one person.,(again my opinion). Like I said the dynamics are different for all marriages. I have been married for over 30 years and what we do works for us.

 

 

I know the BS is coming from a different place and I understand that.

 

I think if you truly were looking out for a spouses best interests, you wouldn't rob them of the opportunity to decide if they want to be with someone that cheated on them.

 

It would be different if it was an open marriage, or if there was a "dont ask dont tell" agreement. But when your spouse asks, and you lie to them, that is dishonest, disrespectful, selfish. You are holding important information about their life, and deciding unilaterally that your cheating isn't worth talking about.

 

I have been married for a long time, and I would never want that dynamic. My spouse is my equal. Hes not a child where I get to decide what information he can handle. I dont pick and choose what he knows about our marriage. I think both sides should know everything. WS can come clean, bare their soul, feel real remorse when they see their spouses pain. And the spouse can decide if they want to forgive. They can honestly examine the issues in the marriage and individual stuff like family of origin issues. A confession can be a turning point- if they get into counseling they can learn to communicate, meet each others needs, better ways to cope.

  • Like 3
Posted

What's going to stop your OM from bragging that he bedded a married women in her 40s?

 

Read some stories about how behave when they 'bed milfs'

The material might open your eyes.

I sincerely hope that the man in question hasn't told everyone. Can't imagine your poor husband finding out from some guy at a bar.

Posted

A troubling post not so much for the information and story you've provide but for the forum you've chosen and your two other posts about sexual questions you wanted to respond to.

 

I sense a measure of guilt but less remorse because of the indication of your satisfaction in knowing a thirty year old noticed your forty-five year old body. You were sad because he dumped you and your husband of twenty five years noticed and remarked upon your demeanor. Would you have continued the betrayal if he hadn't chucked you and would you have reconnected with your husband if that were the case?

 

You haven't given much information about the timeline of your faithlessness, the extent of the debilitation of your husband's illness, the state of your marriage at the time, how in depths were your discussions about his suspicions, etc.

 

Don't know what you really want to accomplish or if you will return to this post but I think you need to give this matter a lot more consideration if not professionally.

 

Twosadthings

  • Author
Posted

WOW! I am so sorry, I never realized what a can of worms I was opening here. I am even more confused now it seams about half and half that I should tell or not tell.

I do appreciate everyone's opinions and I have taken a lot from it.

I think I am going to go see a marriage counselor and discuss this before I do anything.

again thanks for everyone's help it has helped me move forward and again sorry for causing any trouble.

  • Like 2
Posted

Good Luck!

 

On another note:

Please remember that your affair hasn't/won't cause us any trouble. It's your marriage: you and your husband will have to deal with this. The lives of anonymous posters aren't impacted.

  • Like 2
Posted
WOW! I am so sorry, I never realized what a can of worms I was opening here. I am even more confused now it seams about half and half that I should tell or not tell.

I do appreciate everyone's opinions and I have taken a lot from it.

I think I am going to go see a marriage counselor and discuss this before I do anything.

again thanks for everyone's help it has helped me move forward and again sorry for causing any trouble.

 

 

 

The truth always has a was of coming out. Better to confess now then have your BH find out 20 years later.

 

 

You withholding the truth is lying by omission. Your BH needs the truth.

 

 

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. It will guide you on how to expose the affair to your BH and the work needed to take you through recovery.

Posted

Sara your letter says many important things. You know how/why the affair started, the feelings it ignited in you and the pain of its ending. No matter the circumstances, it's over.

 

The pain you feel is expected and I believe it is an essential part of the affair process. If it was right it would feel right. All of the posts here of heartbreak and pain from all parties involved in affairs, show one glaring point. If it was the right thing to do it would never reap such sadness and sorrow.

 

The pain is inevitable. Not only at the end but while it is going. Every affair has pain involved in it. You felt it when your affair ended, and probably looking back while it was going strong. Doubt, confusion, guilt... so many emotions.

 

I think your spouse knows already what the answer to his question is even though you said no. But, he knows you are there now, and I suspect he knows it's over. Your pain for the affair is carried inside and alone.

 

I can't tell you what to do only you will be able to make that decision. But I don't have the belief that everyone has to know everything to make a good marriage. I am absolutely without a doubt positive that I don't want to know everything about my spouse and I understand when spouses look the other way. If he really wanted to know he would pursue it.

 

Sometimes only time brings the right answers to us. Take the time needed to see thru the emotional fog the affair brought with it. Love those that love you and you will find your answer.

  • Like 2
Posted

My wife had a nail appointment, today. It was at 1:30pm, supposedly. I wake from my nap at 2:30p. She calls saying it 'got switched' to 3pm. Now, she has owned up to everything she did, as far as I can tell, and is back at home, but I don't believe her still. Ruined my afternoon, when she said she was killing time at the mall 'alone' waiting for her appointment.

 

This sort of thing happens at least every 1-2 weeks. 2 years running...

 

IMO, your H will ALWAYS wonder, even after you give him every single intimate detail of your encounters with your AP.

 

Think about his peace of mind that he enjoys now...

 

G

Posted

If you were a bad person, a cheater a liar or did not have love for your husband, you would not have survived his illness, most (bad) people on bad situations like no money, illness, war, family trouble, leave the relationship...then WERE IS THE LOVE?

 

Love is the most important thing you have, and you still have it with your husband, he knows you went together trough a bad period when he was sick... you were vulnerable, probably depressed and in need of physical love. You found it and you still took care of your husband.... so LOVE is still there.

 

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DONT LISTEN TO OTHERS AND DONT TELL HIM PERIOD !

 

You need to forgive yourself, NOT YOUR HUSBAND, and know you made a mistake, learn from it, heal and move on...

 

I have been in that situation so I can speak perfectly about it, and I wish she never told me, in the end she opened my eyes to the fact she did not love me, affair or not there was a bigger problem on the marriage, that may not be your case, DONT RUIN IT, just because someone presses your guilt button....DONT do it.

 

If you want more info PM me Ill explain...

 

a lot of people like to think that truth and integrity carries a marriage all the time, that is not the case because you never know your significant other till you put it to the test, and sadly most of the time the test is failed.

  • Like 2
Posted (edited)

At the request of another LS member..I decided to pst more info: sorry for the long post..

 

I think most people here speak out of being hurt and trying to blame somebody for their shortcomings or their problems in a relationship.

In my case it was even more hurtful because I was cheated on when I just bought a new home, bought her a new Minivan, remodeled the new house and bought her lots of stuff on top of traveling..all while she had an A.

 

It did not even register in me that she could be in such a relationship, I kept the marriage alive by taking her twice a year on a honeymoon, and trying to do everything she wanted and in the process I lost myself...

 

5 years after the A we had a 3 day family therapy and retirement, and it was great, but in the end we had an excersice where we should ask for forgiveness for any faults in the marriage for our spouses, I asked her for forgiveness if I caused pain or suffering, I was calm, but then she LOST IT, she cried like never before and asked me for forgiveness I told her there was nothing to forgive, I am happy with you and our sons..she cried a lot...I never knew why, and forgot about it, 3 years later I got sick went to the hospital and she behaved like I was a nobody, she dropped me at the hospital, I had some test done, because they fought I had the big C, and to make story short, I was miserable and it became clear to me that she did not care...

I spoke with her about it, and asked her what if I had cancer, why she behaved like that, she did not have good answers, but told me she loved me, she sent me to work, at night she told me she had an A 8 years prior for 18 months and she said "I entered therapy since I wanted to divorce you... my dad paid for the therapy and YOU..YOU did not even knew", as if it was my fault !!! and also that I did not even guessed or found out....!!!!

 

I told her I did not want to know who he was or how was the A, I just wanted to know WHY she wanted to save our marriage, why she came "back" when All I saw all those years was a very passive way of handling things, sex only when she wanted, and lack of interest.....she did not reply, she never thought I was going to react to the "news".

 

I tried to save our marriage, traveled with her every 3 months,, had dinner out every friday, bought her a new car, tried to make surprises, the list goes on.... eventually I gave up on her and trying to do everything myself, we went to counseling, she bailed.

 

At this time a lot of my fiends (female), were very surprised she could treat me like that, and tried to talk to her, she did not take well and...then I HAD AN AFFAIR.

 

Long history short.... It was incredible (the A), but we both had to let go, we never had a fight, we knew each others problems, mistakes, bad parts, ugly things but we had one of those rare romances where you knew everything about the other and we were happy with it...we broke off almost exactly 1 year ago and have had N.C. since then. I have moved on even if it hurts so much.

 

Most people will think I did it because of revenge, and no in fact I did not initiate and was very passive with my AP, but we had a very good relationship and great rapport and it grew. She saved her marriage and thanked me for that, and I could not, because her husband was willing to make changes and be there for her, and in my case my wife did not want that she wanted control, and power...

 

I wish she never told me about the A, because it was unnecessary, I get perfectly now that guilt was destroying our marriage that is why the cried at the exercise, and she wanted to come clean to do 2 things :

 

Clear herself of guilt.

Hurt me.

 

In the end she hurt me and guilt is still running so strong in her to this day, so much that she wants to know what do `I do ,,who do I call, where Am I 24/7...etc...

 

If you know your spouse is insecure, controlling or even violent, telling him of an A is a surefire way to end your marriage and nothing will save it, its better to work on YOUR GUILT, YOUR MISTAKES and fixing them than sharing experiences THAT your significant other WILL NOT UNDERSTAND.... use your energy to make your marriage work and forget the past, live th epresent and prepara for the future, believe me the future has more tests for you as a couple.

 

Hope this was not that long..and boring...

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 2
Posted

Just tell him and get it over with. You'll get through it. You'll come out better for having done so.

 

And really, you know what the 'right thing to do' is here. That's not really complicated. You need to make it right. Don't engage in mental gymnastics to justify 'taking it to the grave.' Really? Lie forever? Because it's the right thing? I don't buy that. Is it the most respectful thing?

 

What I do believe is that it's damn difficult to confess. It takes courage. People will look hard to find reasons to avoid it. But you know it's for the best over the long term. Find the courage and make it right. He will ultimately respect that and you will respect yourself, too.

  • Like 2
×
×
  • Create New...