saramyers Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 (edited) Okay I know I am going to get beat up over this and I am sure I deserve it but I needed to tell this to ease my own mind. 5 years ago my husband went through some health problems, we had been married 25 years. For about a year he never felt good and we did not have sex. I was always by his side and always took care of him but it was very hard on me also. I was missing human touch. I joined this local gym to just get out and relieve some stress and have some time to myself. I was going every morning 5 days a week. After a couple of months there I was getting in pretty good shape for a 45 year old woman. One day this guy came over and started talking to me. He was in his 30's tall muscular and very handsome. He told me that he had been seeing me there for awhile now and that he could tell how fit I was getting and that my body was changing. I just smiled and blew it off. Then everyday he was coming up to me talking to me and always complementing me. I must admit I was enjoying the conversations with him. Then one day he asked if I wanted to have lunch, he knew I was married I had told him. At first I said no. Then a few days later he asked me again and I am not sure why but I said okay. Not to go into details but I ended up having a sexual affair with him. It was just about sex with him at least. I would meet him in the mornings or after work and on Saturdays at his apartment. We would spend an hour to two having sex then I would leave. After about 4 months one day he broke up with me. It did hurt me. I cried and was upset for several weeks and quit going to the gym. My husband noticed this and asked what was wrong with me. I said nothing but I know he suspected something. After a few weeks I came to the realization that I was a 45 year old woman who has been married for 25 years, suck it up and get back to reality. I changed my mind set and my husbands health issues got better and our sex life got back to normal and is great. Now I know how stupid I was for what I did but I feel like I appreciate my marriage and husband even more now for doing something stupid that could have lost it all. My husband asked me once a year later if I had an affair during that time and I said no. He said if I did he would understand because he felt he was not much of a husband then. I denied it. I have always felt guilty about it and have never told anyone about it. I have thought about confessing to my husband and telling him all but I think that would only make me feel better and might ruin our marriage. I would like to know what others think or if someone else has been in this situation. Edited March 21, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
KaliLove Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 I'm usually not an advocate of affairs in general, but I have nothing but sympathy for you Sara. Your husband was ill, you were dealing with a lot, and you kept it from him because you didn't want to hurt him. I may be in the minority here but if it was me, I would keep it to myself and just not do it again. 4
Clay Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Tell him and hope he really loves you enough to fix your marriage. If you truly love him give yourself to him completely and that includes the truth. Would you want him to hide having sex with a woman behind your back? Clay
KaliLove Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 I'd also like to add that I don't usually advocate hiding affairs either, but in this case I think it would be needlessly hurtful for the formerly ill husband. If she hadn't already lied about it I would probably say to confess, but it sounds like she's learned her lesson and will not cheat again.
gettingstronger Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Always tell regardless of the consequences. Everyone deserves an authentic life and the knowledge to make their own choices. 4
Kobalt Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 There is nothing good that will come from telling him. Suck it up and take it to the grave with you. You can't change the past. Love him the best you can and look forward, not back. 1
Quiet Storm Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 I think secrets block true intimacy. gettingstronger is correct. Your husband deserves an authentic life. He already suspected, but you lied in order to manipulate his view of the marriage. Keeping important information about your marriage from him isn't fair or loving. The word "love" shouldn't be just used only to decribe a feeling that we have for someone. Our actions should be loving. Your actions reflected love when you sacrificed and cared for your husband during his health issues. Confessing is also a loving action because he has a right to the truth. He wants to know, and you are robbing him of the opportunity to make informed choices. There is a good chance he will forgive you. Your own feelings of guilt, shame, fear, regret should not override his right to the truth. I know it's hard. You don't want to break his heart. If you tell, do not blame it on his illness. Just own it. Tell him you were weak, you should have had proper boundaries, you made a big mistake and are very sorry. Tell him you love him and want to move past this. Tell him that you are feeling closer to him than ever and that you don't want any secrets between you. Offer to get counseling. 2
Snipercatt Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 I think secrets block true intimacy. I agree with this. If undisclosed the affair will always limit true intimacy on SaraMyers's behalf, always. If disclosed it will probably limit true intimacy on her BH's behalf. Maybe not, but human nature being what it is . . . Unfortunately there is no good result. 2
Sub Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 You have a lot of years ahead of you. Consider what "sucking it up" and feeling guilty is going to be like for that amount of time. I would never try to tell you what to do, as I don't think anyone here knows you to know how you'd deal with it for that long. But don't base your decision off of the hope that you'll be able to carry the weight of this. It's not just the A now. It's also the guilt of lying to him when he asked you. And it's not selfish to disclose it to him. Quite the contrary. 2
Gunthar Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 He does NOT want to know. The moralizing/judgemental side of him wants to, but he does not want to be dealing with the hurt of that. It will never go away. You've hurt yourself. If you do tell him, you'll hurt him. It happened. If it's over, it's over. If I could have gone through what I endured without knowing anything accept that my wife was always ever committed to me and our family/marriage... I would prefer not to know any of all that I know now. I can't trust her at all. G 3
uneek74 Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 I say if you want to stay married, keep it to yourself. Don't trouble; trouble until trouble troubles you. Sometimes people mean well and think they are advising you the correct way. Only you know the dynamics of your relationship and marriage. You have been married 25 years. I am sure in that time you have been spared of a possible hurt by your husband, whether it has been major or minor. Just because you tell him, doesn't mean that the guilt will disappear and you are still left with 1. No husband and 2. pain for both of you. 3. A more stressful marriage because of this issue brought to light. You seem like you have learned a lesson and know this is something that you won't do again. This is just my two cents. You make your best decision. Good luck to you. 1
gettingstronger Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Those that say don't tell- are you saying you would not want the power of truth in your own life? Some seem to be saying that nothing good will come of it- nothing good for whom- the OP- the BS-both- As pointed out- life is long and the burden of holding on to such a lie is bound to wear on the OP- the BS- doesn't he deserve to decide for himself what his life and marriage should look like-when did he give up that right?
uneek74 Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 (edited) Getting: Do you think one is ever sure that they've never been lied too. Life is just not like that. Especially in relationships. I guess it is a matter of conscience. Not all marriages are made in heaven. Telling would not be something that I would do. I am out of an 8 yr affair, and there are times I feel guilt, which is normal, but I don't obsess over it. Heck, in all these years (over 30), I don't know if he (H) has done anything so, as long as we are respectful to one another and getting along, I say to keep it moving. Why add undo stress, to your life. (this is my opinion). Edited March 21, 2014 by uneek74 add inot
Sub Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 You could take from that logic, however, that one could do whatever they wanted to do when it comes to their marriage. As long as they don't get caught or disclose, what does it matter? Non-disclosure is a pandora's box, IMO. Much riskier to the long-term health of a marriage than disclosure.
aliveagain Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 (edited) 25 years, tell him the truth, don't you think he deserves that? Sickness and in health, you sure fu**ed up the sickness part. What kind of marriage includes lying and deceit? Your better than that or are you? Edited March 21, 2014 by aliveagain
gettingstronger Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Uneek, if you need to use that kind of logic to make yourself feel better that's fine. If it works for you, more power to you. But for me I would never willing hide such a truth from my husband. It's selfish and unfair. A good enough relationship where things bubble beneath the surface is not what I want for myself and my advice reflects this.
uneek74 Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Getting: To each his own. I don't need to make myself feel better. I have a very fulfilling life. Trust and believe that. I am good with my meaning of life. I said this was my opinion. I don't expect everyone to agree with what I say. I live my life the way I see fit. It is mine after all. You can only gage your own moral compass. We all make our own choices. We agree to disagree, Let's move on with support of the poster in our own way. She will ultimately make the choice that is best for her and her family.
Gunthar Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 When you're in a relationship, each party has the right to drive the relationship one way or another (and we often do in less-than-obvious ways); to pursue happiness as each sees fit. Ensuring someone's happiness when you have the power to do so is obvious. Omission (not volunteering failures) is a regular occurrence in everyday life and spares spouses/families/kids from distraction, frustration, pain, heartache, etc. OP is exercising her right to peruse happiness, based on her best estimation. As a MM (and BS), I wouldn't want to know a single thing. The baggage it introduces (and FORCES me to carry - and I carry a lot now) is worse than what she would have had to carry herself, alone. You idealists with your fix-it-isms... Hell, him knowing may make his health worse. Ever thought about that?? Sheesh. She'll figure it out, and do fine, either way. G 1
Quiet Storm Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Getting: Do you think one is ever sure that they've never been lied too. Life is just not like that. Especially in relationships. I guess it is a matter of conscience. Not all marriages are made in heaven. Telling would not be something that I would do. I am out of an 8 yr affair, and there are times I feel guilt, which is normal, but I don't obsess over it. Heck, in all these years (over 30), I don't know if he (H) has done anything so, as long as we are respectful to one another and getting along, I say to keep it moving. Why add undo stress, to your life. (this is my opinion). For you, avoiding conflict is more important than true intimacy. Some seek a real connection in their marriages. Secrets like this break the connection. The infidelity itself can also break that connection, but being honest, confessing, asking for forgiveness is a step towards repairing the bond. Lies, omissions and secrets destroy a bond, even if only one person knows the truth. 1
Sub Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 This topic was being discussed in another thread in the Infidelity forum as well, so I don't want to be redundant. But specifically in regards to this situation: The BH has had an inkling before, per the OP. He straight out asked her, so he suspected something. He also presented an amount of understanding if she was indeed having an A. So this isn't some guy who's just living his life without a clue, completely in the dark about the possibility of it. (I'm sure there are situations like that.) But the germ of the curiosity is there, and it may not go away. You can't just paint it with this broad stroke of "what he doesn't know won't hurt him." and the case is closed. They both go about their lives for the next 30 or so years, completely free of such a thought. That's not the reality. She'll carry the guilt of the A and the lie. He'll always have that itch that needs scratching from time to time, maybe ask her again, and again. Because she seems off. She seems distracted. Whatever it is. OP is obviously a woman with a conscience who's experiencing some guilt. And the more she loves him, and the more love he shows her....that guilt may actually grow. Again, she knows herself best, so it's her call. But it's definitely not as straightforward as letting sleeping dogs lie.
uneek74 Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Quiet, I would never be considered a conflict avoider. LOL. I love true intimacy. In spite of having an outside relationship for a long time, my spouse and I get along great and have a very fulfilling life, emotionally and sexually. I am in a good place with my spouse. I got something from both OM and H. I believe you can connect to just more than one person.,(again my opinion). Like I said the dynamics are different for all marriages. I have been married for over 30 years and what we do works for us. I know the BS is coming from a different place and I understand that.
gettingstronger Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 I have been married for over 30 years and what we do works for us. If he does not know about your affair- shouldn't the above read ....and we do what works for me.... 1
uneek74 Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 (edited) Getting : This post is not about me. This is all that I am going to say regarding my explanation to the Poster. She is the one asking for advice, not me. I don't think there is a third person living here in my home, so unless you are certain of what you think you know. I wouldn't be so quick to speak. I know that you have been hurt as the BS. So your post are understood. Edited March 21, 2014 by uneek74
jellybean89 Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 I guess for me, I got stuck at the "my husband was sick and I wanted sex, so I found someone to have sex with". I hope and pray I don't ever get too sick to have sex; but none of us know what our future holds. I pray that my partner doesn't decide to go find sex if I can't provide it due to a medical condition. I am a firm believer in the truth. The OP not only had an affair, but lied about it. None of us, including the OP, what what the husband feels in his heart or thinks in his head. To imply he 'really does know, but doesn't want the truth' is just reaching, in my view. I agree with Quiet - true intimacy can't be reached with the lies and betrayal that is thrust upon the husband. He deserves to know the truth so he can decide what he wants. This isn't about easing the guilt of the OP, it is about honesty. If you can't be honest with your spouse, you can't have a solid foundation of marriage. My opinion is he should be told.
Hope Shimmers Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 Absolutely don't tell him. It would be selfish to do so, just to relieve your own guilt. What good would come of it now? It would only cause him pain while relieving your guilt. If its over and never going to happen again, dredging up something that painful is a bad idea. 1
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