Woodox Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Hi, I recently BU with my ex (talked about in other posts) and I feel like I'm coming out the other side, starting to look at other girls in a sexual way etc. but I don't want to date, I'm planning a move due to work and know if I meet someone that it complicates things i want to do for me. Anyway my whole life I've been happy single I've had a few relationships and a couple of long term ones, but I find when it comes to the BU I'm happy being single, not sleeping around just doing my own thing and people cant deal with this I always get the you should go root around or go on internet dating etc etc. I get a lot of people enjoy the sleep around life style and see breaking up as a good thing cause they can go and have fun being single but I have never felt that way, if I sleep with someone I want there to be emotions or the possibility of something more otherwise its just meaningless. Around the people I spend 90% of my time with I feel like the odd one out, not constantly obsessed with chasing tail and trying to get my numbers up or not even caring that I'm single and don't want to date. They think my lack of interest to try anything to pick up is strange. Am I the strange on? Am i mostly alone in these beliefs and desires?
Strength in Healing Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Nah, I'm the exact same. I literally brag about how low I've been able to keep the number of girls I've slept with. I don't want meaningless sex. Maybe how I was raised, maybe religion instilled in me at a young age.. but I am relationship oriented. Keep your head up find better friends bro 2
lamis Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 I am also the same. I go through long grieving periods after breakups and have absolutely no interest in dating during that time. Be happy that you manage to ascend above male stereotypes of virility and constantly wanting to bang every attractive woman that gets near them, while your friends don't seem to be doing such a good job. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to just go out there and have sex for sex's sake. I for one have never seen the people of it, and especially not when you are still healing. So no, there is nothing wrong with you. Just be yourself and ignore the pressure that society puts on you to be "manly" and "chase tail," it is all part of harmful stereotypes that proliferate within our society any way. 3
singme2sleep Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 It's nice to hear about guys who don't just go out and bang random girls. Good for all of you, hold out til someone special comes along again. And OP, there's nothing wrong with you! The fault lies in the men who do the opposite of you :-) 2
BC1980 Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 I've gotten to the point that it's hard for me to be attracted I people. When I was in college, I did my fair share of sleeping around basically. It sort of repulses me now that I did that, but people change. Now, I have no interest in random hookups. 1
jphcbpa Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Very healthy and balanced. You should be proud of this. Very few men are wired this way...or like me had to rewire themselves by working in this area. 2
Author Woodox Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 Don't get my wrong I like who I am, I would choose to be this way given the choice, but it does make you feel 'wrong' with all the male stereotypes pushed on us by society. The people I'm surrounded by doesn't help I work with these people so until i can get other work I'm stuck, I work in an Italian restaurant so yeah.... some stereotypes are true. I guess the thing i find frustrating is I've always known what I want in life, to find someone special and settle down have kids basically I've wanted the end game since day one, so a lot of people can't understand why sleeping around seems so pointless to me. Thanks for showing I'm not the only one, be nice to find some like minded males in real life that I can relate to too. 1
Strength in Healing Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 I mean, I'm also a serial killer though but I only kill bad people and such.
lamis Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 Thanks for showing I'm not the only one, be nice to find some like minded males in real life that I can relate to too. Yeah, I know what you mean. The only people that even have a remotely similar philosophy to me in terms of women/sex are fundamentalist Christians, and I am very far from being one of them. It really is difficult to find other guys in real life (in their 20s, anyway) who prioritize finding love, sad as it is. 2
singme2sleep Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 Yeah, I know what you mean. The only people that even have a remotely similar philosophy to me in terms of women/sex are fundamentalist Christians, and I am very far from being one of them. It really is difficult to find other guys in real life (in their 20s, anyway) who prioritize finding love, sad as it is. Now you know how women feel!
lamis Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 Now you know how women feel! I wouldn't say that is entirely true of all women in their mid-20s either, to be fair. I have actually turned down a decent number of women who were only interested in the sex part. It is true that society generally tells women it is more ok to be looking for love, but I'd also say there are plenty of women who are not, just as there are plenty of men who aren't only interested in sex. 1
AnyaNova Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 I came across this term the other day and was completely bowled over (the term itself sucks given its context, they are apparently lumping us sort of close to asexuals and it is nothing of the sort), to see a perfect description of myself. Demisexual. And what that term describes, are people who just don't experience physical/sexual attraction without a preexisting emotional connection. That is me completely. Perhaps it is you as well? And no. there is nothing wrong with it. I think it is quite a beautiful way to be. 2
SerCay Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 I totally get what you mean OP! It's today's society's illness: pressure to be always liked, liking, flirting, looking, f*cking, being f*cked. I think this has to do with the growing low self esteems of people, most feel completed and get their affirmation out of shallow attentions like above mentioned. Therefore they are scared to not have those things in their lives. And when the come across someone who doesn't have these things in their lives by choice they think something must be wrong with them. Be proud, be proud that you do not feel the need to fill a void with vague acquaintances just to be able to tell your surroundings you're cool too. I am like you. I am not demi-sexual or a-sexual, I can very well be physically attracted to a man whom I've never spoken to, just seen, and have sex with him. I just choose not to. And it's not because I'm looking for love. It's because I love my life, and the things it's filled with. If somebody comes along again? Then I'll gladly get to know them and have sex. My friends pressured me like this as well: I just told them I'm not like you. (I find them and most people I know who are constantly looking for love or flirting with random people DESPERATE, but I didn't tell them this of course ) Take care! 1
Author Woodox Posted March 22, 2014 Author Posted March 22, 2014 Very true! My friends always act like there's something wrong with me because I'm not hunting for someone new. When I started dating my ex I even said to my best mate that I think I was happier being single, less drama and didn't have to work on keeping someone else happy. I would rather be in a relationship with the right person but it does take a lot of work, even more with the wrong person. I'm not demi or A sexual I find randoms attractive but to me it's a waste of time and effort for just a random fling, and doesn't make me feel good or fulfilled. It's funny how you say seeing those acts of others to be desperate, my ex told me she wanted to be single for awhile after we broke up, then I found out she is on dating websites and going out regularly and picking up randoms because she doesn't want to be alone, there are so many people who can't handle the concept of being single and happy, and it makes me sad that people like us are the odd ones out. 2
SerCay Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 (edited) It's funny how you say seeing those acts of others to be desperate, my ex told me she wanted to be single for awhile after we broke up, then I found out she is on dating websites and going out regularly and picking up randoms because she doesn't want to be alone, there are so many people who can't handle the concept of being single and happy, and it makes me sad that people like us are the odd ones out. So familiar....my ex and a gazillion other people I know are like this. I call it attention wh*ring (excuse my french). And I'm kind of turned off by people like that to be honest. Seriously, it's like you're living to have romantic love in your life when you're like that. Life has so many other things to give :S rightt And then when you meet someone who you share something with, common interest or idk, it makes it extra special..I find that thirsty people I know run from mate to mate, often breaking many hearts, just to fall in love eventually when they meet someone they like themselves. Edited March 22, 2014 by SerCay
Author Woodox Posted March 22, 2014 Author Posted March 22, 2014 The downside of knowing what you want like I do is in my case I tend to push for it, I meet someone and I want them to be that someone special, I have learnt from my last relationship to stand back and see if they fit what i want but it can be hard, especially when they tell you everything you want to hear. I start to build them to be something they are not and then come crashing down when I realize the truth. They say love is blind, I have learnt that I am the one that needs to open my eyes. 1
singme2sleep Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 The downside of knowing what you want like I do is in my case I tend to push for it, I meet someone and I want them to be that someone special, I have learnt from my last relationship to stand back and see if they fit what i want but it can be hard, especially when they tell you everything you want to hear. I start to build them to be something they are not and then come crashing down when I realize the truth. They say love is blind, I have learnt that I am the one that needs to open my eyes. I can def relate to this... 1
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