LilSprout Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 I am having a really down night. (Don't think it's helped by the fact my p* is due). Nearly four months NC and thought I was ok, thought perhaps I might even be ready to talk to him again. But it's slipped and I see one photo, just one, of him and his bitch of a new girlfriend (I sound bitter and I am a bit but she's a nasty piece of work, it's complicated and she has BDP but trust me she comes close to the Devil himself). It was totally by accident and I didn't think it would matter but it's like going back to square one. It's so difficult I think I've just come to the conclusion that I've been in denial these last four months, patiently but hopefully waiting for him to contact me because 'of course he will! She's a nut! He goes to bed and lies awake thinking about me as I do him'. I'm starting to meet the horrid reality that that is just not so though. All those months of hard work to feel better, happier, healthier....gone. I just don't care, I want to die all over again; I'm really worried I'll begin self harming again cos I just can't take this pain. I fear there is a much graver problem with me and perhaps I should think about going into some kind of care. I've tried distraction, I've tried to focus on other things but honestly it's bloody hopeless. I still go to bed thinking of him, I haven't slept well for...probably about 7 months now; I'm exhausted and I feel physically ill. I can't believe how quickly my self esteem has crumble after seeing that picture of them 'happy' together. And I hate her oh God do I hate her and, though I don't hate him, I really want to demonstrate the pain and anguish he has dragged me through all cos he couldn't be bothered to just help me a little bit while I was going through depression. Oh giving me support through therapy and giving me a hug when I felt down was waaaay too tough oh because I live one poxy hour away, but this f*cking psycho round the corner who needs round the clock care? That's totally doable. I don't really think I want to get back with him, but I really want to see karma work it's magic. The thing is I am lonely as anything and I really think I NEED to find someone new to get over him. But I'm just so hostile to prospective dates. I'm on some dating sites but I am incredibly critical of anyone on there. I just can't feel attraction for anyone, not interested in giving anyone a chance, I actually feel like I might have become a bit of a man hater. I've always had a hard time finding guys I like and the two I did end up dating both treated me like scum. Why is it so hard to catch a break? And at 24, an age I was hoping to be engaged, possibly married or at least in a secure relationship, I'm finding the few good ones out there are all taken. I just feel like I've missed the boat and my chances. I settled before and I am NOT doing it again because last time I did I got kicked to sh*t. But at the same time I know that's not the attitude to have with finding someone new. I think my patience is just wearing really thin with it all. I'm sick to death of thinking about him when I know too well he doesn't give a toss about me but I'm totally disinterested in anyone else. I can't force attraction. The whole dating thing just makes me emotional, distraught, angry and cold. Guys have shown me interest but honestly I haven't liked any of them and the few I have reached out to a bit have blanked me! Just starting to think it's hopeless and I'm doomed to be an old spinster. :'(
simplicity1 Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 I know it's hard to see it this way with the intensity of emotion you are feeling right now, but when you look back, you may realize that seeing that photo is yet another necessary stage in the healing process- a moment that helps you snap out of the fantasy and acknowledge reality with a little more certainty. I know how hard it is to make the transition..I'm living in a state of hope right now too But what helps me is remembering how COMMON the emotions you are feeling are. How many times have you heard someone say "I'll never meet someone. That's it, I'm going to be single forever. All my boyfriends broke up with me when I least expected it...etc" What helps me is living with the faith that I am not the exception to the rule. There is nothing about me (or you) that would make you likely to be the exception to the rule. It's natural to pay all your attention to the happy couples around you and forget the MANY single folks age 24. Hope this helps a little. I know it's hard in the heat of emotion. Give your mind just ONE day to settle and you may find that it's easier this time around to rebound from a dip in emotion. Hang in there....
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