EverySunset Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 I had an "ah-ha..." moment in my M last year. Suddenly something clicked (I think it was my mouse when I discovered hidden email accounts detailing all the years my STBXH had been cheating! LoL) and it helped me finally take off my blinders, get therapy for the abuse, and leave my STBXH. It was then that I started an EA with a friend helping me cope, which briefly became a PA, before I cut it off and ended my marriage officially, and legally. Papers are drawn up, we're just waiting out our lengthy waiting period but its done. I started my EA/PA back up, and we've been together ever since, a couple months over a year now. I want to keep healing. A train wreck of a marriage near crumbled me, but I dedicated myself to a better career, being a great mother, and a spiritual journey. I'm soooo much better than I was only a few months ago. But MM has moved slowly. Although we were both leaving our M at the start of this, he has dragged his feet while I polevaulted ahead. Now, the little incoveniences of waiting for him to be where I am in this process are building, and taking their toll. I am losing faith in him. He constantly makes steps to show me he is still moving forward... Consistant work with a therapist, lining up a place to live, interviewing attys (he is down to a shortlist), introducing me to friends and colleagues, etc. He hasn't slept with her since we get serious and I know its true because we have the same extended circle of friends and she's mentioned it (I know, ew and it makes me feel bad, even if she says its wonderful) and everything. I'm still losing faith in him because it truly has taken so long... He says the only roadblock left is how he gets his head around what happens to his kids (cliché but rooted in truth) and how he handles everything now, but I can't shake how I feel. I am watching myself pull away from him emotionally and I'm scared I had my "ah-ha" moment when I wouldn't plan a trip with him this summer, in case we aren't still together by then. I love him - he's a dear friend who I've been in love with for years, but if he can't make that final step, I HAVE to move on. I thought I could give him more time but its like I'm watching feelings for him slip further. I'm so scared that they'll truly ebb away while we work through these last couple months. And I am so incredibly lost.
MuddyRock Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 You said she mentioned they haven't had sex even though things are wonderful. If she thinks or says things are wonderful I'm sorry he isn't leaving. If he was actively trying to leave she would at least know things aren't wonderful. 1
Realist3 Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 He's not leaving. Move on. If he does eventually leave then you two can get back together if it was meant to be. 4
Author EverySunset Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 (edited) You said she mentioned they haven't had sex even though things are wonderful. If she thinks or says things are wonderful I'm sorry he isn't leaving. If he was actively trying to leave she would at least know things aren't wonderful. I'm sorry, I said that badly. She says not having to put up with having sex with him is wonderful. Neither one has been happy in the marriage for years - hence the reason they were talking D when I came back in the picture Edited March 20, 2014 by EverySunset
whichwayisup Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 What is taking so long and why is he dragging his feet? Those who want out of their marriages, divorce. Talking about it is one thing, doing it is another. You have a good attitude towards this, so do keep on detaching from him, rely on him less and focus on you and your life. If he divorces and is on his own for a while, then 'date' him in the proper way but until then, make your own rules (what you will and won't put up with) and stick to it.
Spark1111 Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 It sounds like you are outgrowing him by leaps and bounds. You realize it and are realistic in already setting boundaries and distancing yourself ( no trip away). keep moving forward. The rebound/exit relationship that helped to catapult you out of a bad marriage may no longer be enough for you now that you are heading to freedom. And that's okay. Don't set yourself up for less. don't be surprised if he comes at you with a vengeance should you meet someone single. It sounds as if he was very content to be married to a wife and see you too. here's a test: Never bring up his divorce plans. See if he even mentions it after a while. Is it with sincerity? Or is it to string you along now that you can date others? trust your instinct, your blink. I think it is trying to scream at you over those romantic feelings. Do not talk yourself out of what you already know..... he's not leaving his wife and you are moving on. 2
jellybean89 Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Talking divorce isn't getting a divorce. He IS dragging his feet...he has a wife and a mistress...a woman for every need. Stop being his mistress. Stop being his emotional crutch. He needs to sheet or get off the pot. The longer you enable him to have 2 women, the longer he will be content with life. Stop being his soft landing. Tell him goodbye and to look you up after he has been divorced for a minimum of 6 months, you deserve better. 3
Patrice Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 I think eventually, you end up in a place where it is no longer working for YOU as you grow, heal and move on. Getting involved in the first place, is a sign that you weren't your best self when the affair was initiated. Leaving a marriage and the subsequent growth that ensues in the time after are a wonderful gift you give to yourself - life moves on, people grow and when MM is no longer fulfilling the need they did when it started - your head starts to move on. The trust issues emerge, the anger about being left alone ... and the reality that you deserve far better than that. xo. 1
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