katinlc Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Hi All, First post, but I've been reading these posts for the last month or two and they have been so insightful. Here is my situation. I am 32 year old female who has not done much dating but started OLD at the end of last year. I met a 37 year old guy that was going through a divorce. We started dating the first of this year. Of course, being the naïve dater, I had no idea he wasn't ready to date and it was too soon as he told me (and truly believed) he was ready to move on. He had been separated a couple of months and his divorce is set to be finalized at the end of this month. Well of course, everything is wonderful at the beginning. He likes me so much, everything he needs, future for us, etc... We texted multiple times a day, but struggled to actually see each other more than 1-2x a week due to our schedules. Then things started to change. He had to sell his house, buy another one and move. When this happened, I think everything kind of hit him. He started being more distant and not texting me as much (we still texted everyday, but no good morning / good night, and I was doing more initiating, etc...) He did say that he felt like he didn't even know who he was at this point. Well, I didn't know how to take this and thought he had decided he was no longer interested in me because we had just talked about how we were going to see each other more and move forward as soon as his move was complete, but the opposite was happening. Basically, I pushed the issue of him not giving me what I needed and he had changed and he admitted that I was who he wanted / needed and could see us together in the future, but right now he couldn't give me what I deserved because he had no idea who he was and needed time to figure out who he was post divorce and who he wanted to be. He still wanted to be friends and talk/text though because I had been his rock through all of this. Of course, I was upset because I thought we were moving forward. Since we broke up (3-4 days ago), we have texted everyday and he said that he can see us giving it another chance once he gets his head right. I still enjoy texting with him and since a couple of days have passed, I think that I would rather have him as a friend and texting with him than nothing at all. My question is this. Has anyone ever experienced a situation similar to this and what was the final outcome? Am I dooming myself by staying friends with him, as when he does get his head right he will now only see me as a friend? Is there a real possibility of us getting back together down the road? Also, sex was not involved. I'm pretty old fashioned so it was a pretty PG relationship. Thanks in advance
David87 Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Hey you came to the right place. First of all Im sorry this happened to you:(. Has anyone ever experienced a situation similar to this and what was the final outcome? It happened to me, I've ended in the friend zone and that was it, never been together since. Am I dooming myself by staying friends with him, as when he does get his head right he will now only see me as a friend? Don't be friend's with him. He wasnt ready for a relationship then and he isn't ready for one now. Forget about him and start dating again, find another man even if you fail, try again. The key is to never give up. Is there a real possibility of us getting back together down the road? No there isn't. It aint worth wainting for him. Start NC. It's for your own good.
Author katinlc Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 Hey you came to the right place. First of all Im sorry this happened to you:(. Has anyone ever experienced a situation similar to this and what was the final outcome? It happened to me, I've ended in the friend zone and that was it, never been together since. Am I dooming myself by staying friends with him, as when he does get his head right he will now only see me as a friend? Don't be friend's with him. He wasnt ready for a relationship then and he isn't ready for one now. Forget about him and start dating again, find another man even if you fail, try again. The key is to never give up. Is there a real possibility of us getting back together down the road? No there isn't. It aint worth wainting for him. Start NC. It's for your own good. Thanks for the quick response. I guess my real question was answered with your first response...I have been questioning whether this will put me in the friendzone or if/when he ever was ready to move on would he look at me only as a friend at this point. I think I'm ok with being only friends because honestly after talking with someone multiple times a day for 2 months, I think I would miss that over the actual relationship part, if that makes sense. I have no plans to wait on him because my thoughts were even if he did want to date again, who knows how long that would be. I'm already dipping my toes back in the OLD world, but not sure I'm 100% ready. I question whether I really need to go NC or not. The breakup was amicable & I wasn't happy the last few weeks with the relationship we had. I think I was more upset of the loss of the potential relationship I saw us having than anything else. I also wonder if since we weren't intimate & had only kissed, cuddled, etc... if that makes it easier for me to move on and have us just be friends?
David87 Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Yes it's easier, I know that this is what you want to hear. But I still think that is a bad idea to remain friends
Author katinlc Posted March 24, 2014 Author Posted March 24, 2014 You were right - never gonna work as friends... I decided to get back out there and joined an online dating site. I get a text from him that night basically mad that I had joined - when he dumped me...led to a bad conversation, him refusing to meet up and me picking my stuff up that he left on his front porch. I am now officially no contact as it took this additional exchange to realize how much he really did hurt me and I really wasn't ok as I thought. Thanks again David for your advice.
spicelover Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Hey Katinlc, Wow reading this I started to think you were my ex. Very very similar situation (even our ages). I divorced my wife after she had an affair back in 2012. I met my girlfriend only a few months later, and we started dating and fell in love. I loved her with all my heart, and I believe (and still do) that I loved her more than I ever loved my wife. We had an amazing life we'd started to build together and then a couple of weeks ago she left. I'm still in shock. She couldn't live with the fact that I had an ex-wife and kids and we used to fight about me having to deal with my ex-wife. I had to, but I can tell you not for a second did I ever miss her. If you have any questions feel free to ask. I wish it would have worked out but it ended badly, and I'm going through a lot of pain right now... Anyway best of luck
Author katinlc Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 Hey Spice! I'm so sorry to hear that for you. Very similar situations, but the opposite on who dumped who, I guess. I can tell you from the girl's perspective it is very hard to deal with the past relationship while trying to create a new one. I'm sorry she left you and couldn't handle it, but after my experience I completely understand - it really does a number on your heart! Over the last couple of days (we broke up last Monday, talked on and off last week and final blow-out was Saturday and haven't talked since then), I have come to the realization that he just flat out wasn't over his ex-wife. He admitted in the beginning that he was still grieving and getting over it but was moving forward and always honest with me about it. Then it started getting worse. For example, on Friday night when he found out I was back on dating websites and texted me about it and I asked him what he was doing on there his response was he wasn't on there, he was just pulling up his ex's profile and saw me on there - like it was no big deal to be stalking his ex's profile or to say that to me. That was the final clue as to where he really was. Luckily, they didn't have any kids together so I am hoping once it is final this Friday he will make a clean break from her and really start grieving so he can move on (not with me though).
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