NiceGuy73 Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Not been getting on with the wife since she lost her mum about 15months ago.She totally changed and has this "life is too short" attitude toeverything. Basically our parenting outlook totally clash now. For exampleI like the kids to have some boundaries about playing the games console andgoing to bed whereas she sees this as me bossing everyone around. She nearly lets the kids too anything and everything they want like the tailwagging the dog. This has led to some blazing rows and she just will just NOT COMPROMISE ON ANYTHING..... So a couple of months ago she said she istotally done, is moving out and wants a divorce. I am absolutely devastated asI have tried to reconnect to my wife over the last year but she just will notopen up about anything or accept any help. There is no one else involved as she never ever goes out and I checked herphone and Facebook.....sorry but I just could not help myself The situation in our house has deteriated so much that I have just moved out. She told me either she was going or it would have to be me . So I left forthe kids sake this week and am stopping with a friend until a rental becomes available in1 months time. She is allowing me access approx. 40% of the time and she wants tosell the house asap so she can start again. She is actively looking for a placeto buy I tried to have one last chance at reconciling last Monday but shesaid she is 100% certain she is doing the right thing....Ouch why did I do thatI knew it would backfire......I am just so weak right now and going through theDESPERATION stage it hurts like crazy I really need some support from you guys and want to implement the NC but we have kids. Ok inmy heart of hearts I admit I do want her back but I need the strength tocontinue in the meantime. I need to prepare mentally for the fact that we will never make it. Anyway to my question - Is it unreasonable when sorting outthe parenting plan that I insist on dropping or picking the kids up from herDads house (just a few miles away) Or will this just make me look some bittertwisted weirdo? If I keep seeing her twice a week it will break my heart as I am still inlove with her and she will never have the chance to miss me. I am absolutely not relying on NC as a way t get her back but I need a plan for me to work to......Can anybody out there help me on the right path?????
David87 Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Welcome to LS. Sorry for your pain, in this situation I don't think that you can start doing NC because of the kids. Whether you like it or not you'll have to talk about the kids with her, you'll have to see her when you pick them up. It's something that you'll have deal with. I know it's hard but you have to do this for the kinds.Always be there for them but not for her. Don't ever talk about reconciliation, focus on yourself and the kids. She changed because her mom died but that's no reason to abandon her family like this. Almost forgot, please stop FB stalking it isn't healthy.
Youngy952 Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 I completely feel for you my friend. I'm in a similar position (6 year relationship, 2 year old child, partner has new man 2 weeks after our split). I've moved back with my parents and they help with returning my child to her mother and communicating directly with her. It has really helped me in getting my head together. I'd definitely use her Dad to act as the middleman, it isn't unreasonable at all. If you're not ready to face her yet, then that is completely understandable. I'm getting my own place in a month or two so I may finally have to face her, we'll see how that goes.
Author NiceGuy73 Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 (edited) Yes David you are spot on . Checking someones facebook IS unhealthy For the last few weeks until I moved out I purposefully DID NOT check her phone or facebook as I was just terrified of seeing something there. I would rather not know. She said she does not want me so that's the end of that . I don't need my head screwed up even more. The funny thing about this is its turned on its head. When we first met nearly 10 years ago met she chased me for a year or so when I just totally messed her around ( I was still getting over a previous ex tbh) So she went NC on me and then she met someone. I found out and was jealous as hell and blubbed it all out to her. We then properly fell in love and decided to have children and get married. The next few years were pretty good we now have a 2yo and a 6yo plus my wifes 12yo daughter from a previous. its just gone down the pan since she lost her mother. It REALLY changed her outlook on life and she does not want to live a life where she feels she has to answer to someone etc She has just fell out of love with me...... I long to reignite this as I know its a slim chance but is possible... BUT I want to start off on a strict plan of living so if it never happens I am a bit further down the road to recovery etc.....I just need a plan Edited March 20, 2014 by NiceGuy73
Mr me to Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Nice guy I've gone 2 months total no contact with my ex. We have 2 children aged 4 and 5... Don't feel guilty about going no contract with your ex, by putting yourself first you are actually doing what is best for your children. Use her dad as a buffer while your healing. Contact with her when collecting children while things are so fresh is only going to open the wound further. It's more important that both you and your child have a positive experience while you are both adapting to this already difficult situation.
KaliLove Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Has she done any grief counseling? Sounds like she needs it badly. Btw..what is does tailwagging the dog mean?
Author NiceGuy73 Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 Cheers MrMe .....I am just very wary of making the wrong move in everything I do at the moment. I am treating every single move like a military operation. Maybe a bit too worried to be honest There are 4 times when we clash in a 2 week cycle so I have proposed using her Dad then that just leaves me to drop the kids off with the wife at 7pm on a Thursday night........ So a brief drop off once every 2 weeks
Author NiceGuy73 Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 Hi Kali No counselling there is no chance of her ever going there. Her and her Dad are quite the same. very stubborn and don't feel comfortable accepting help from others. I get accused of not listening to her (doesn't every guy) but I have tried my best to be sympathetic I can assure you. Tail Wagging The Dog A situation where a small part is controlling the whole of something. John was just hired yesterday, and today he's bossing everyone around. It's a case of the tail wagging the dog.
Author NiceGuy73 Posted March 22, 2014 Author Posted March 22, 2014 This is a nightmare now...... At first she emailed me to say yes to me using here dad as an intermediary now she has changed her mind....Says the kids get driven around enough and she does want to make more "unnecessary trips" to her dads and on Sunday she would have to go there twice in one day (even though she goes there everyday anyway) She says her Dad does not want to be involved (he is 5 miles away)now and we should meet somewhere else and keep things as normal as possible for the boys. Yeh I understand that and wish I was man enough to just go round but I thought if I did NC it would be only slight chance of possibly getting her back one day...Also it's just plain difficult full stop......I am still in love and miss her terribly. Seeing her will be like picking at a wound but she says I am been a bit extreme.??????..am I ? What do I do .....go with what's best for the kids according to her or what.????? Ahhhhhhhhh
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