Author Sallyxoxo Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 This sounds like a very unhealthy relationship on every level. It would be a dealbreaker to me. You don't threaten a man with arrest or a split unless you actually mean it. It is something we tend to take seriously. It really wasn't unhealthy overall...just unhealthy that night. I tried making up with him before things got so bad and he said the worst thing he could possibly say to me..hit below the belt for sure. Even tried making up. That's when all my crazy antics ensued. He would threaten to break up worth me nonstop. Like I said earlier we would all laugh at his chest beating control freak ways he ended up adopting...like seriously walked in one day and first words out of his mouth "delete so and so off Facebook or I'm breaking up with you." What?!? Guy is married happily and wasn't flirty at all. Just didn't like him talkin to me. Told him okay then do it if he's gonna be that immature. We ended up making up and I figured I had him and all I needed so I'd delete him so he could have peace of mind but he stopped me and told me it was immature and to not worry ab it.
Author Sallyxoxo Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 People forgive one another for cheating/leaving someone else...this is worse than that??
Strength in Healing Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 (edited) I'd wager you two were just infatuated with each other. You clearly brought out demons in each other, too. I know this from personal experience. And to the earlier poster who said just calling the cops will ruin his life... he's right. I am a police cadet. We are taught to arrest ALWAYS when someone calls in in fear of their partner. In fact, we get fired if we DON'T arrest for it. It's that simple. Even if there's no physical contact, the 'fear' of physical violence is what constitutes assault (AKA domestic violence when it involves a couple), and thus, we have to arrest on. That being said, it was not a deal breaker for me. I dated a girl for 4 years who was emotionally unstable. Her threats meant nothing to me. But if I was in my right mind and didn't fear losing the comfort of the relationship, I would've immediately left. All she did was bring out a toxic side of me, and she ended up causing MUCH pain by her actions after we broke up. My only advice, stay the hell away from each other. TOXIC And find out why alcohol brings out anger within you. Find what happened in your past that caused this anger to come out while you're inhibited. If it's SOLELY him, then 100% stay away. But if it's something in you, if alcohol brings out anger and pain, FIND OUT WHY. Look hard Edited March 20, 2014 by Strength in Healing 2
Grumpybutfun Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 If you had called the cops on him and he was the one who had been pinched, they could have taken you in for battery. Saw it on Cops. Woman went to jail in Pheonix for pinching her spouse while drunk after she had called the police because she said he had pinned her down. The cops came, saw no marks on her but noticed a red place where she pinched him and took her to jail for battery. Yes, this entire situation would have been a dealbreaker to me as a young man. You know how women hate ball grease mixed in with giz mixed with toe jam sprinkled with a liberal amount of old man back hair near their face? Well, that is how almost every man I have ever known feels about this kind of crazy making nonsensical drama. Self reflect, Grumps
Author Sallyxoxo Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 I'd wager you two were just infatuated with each other. You clearly brought out demons in each other, too. I know this from personal experience. And to the earlier poster who said just calling the cops will ruin his life... he's right. I am a police cadet. We are taught to arrest ALWAYS when someone calls in in fear of their partner. In fact, we get fired if we DON'T arrest for it. It's that simple. Even if there's no physical contact, the 'fear' of physical violence is what constitutes assault (AKA domestic violence when it involves a couple), and thus, we have to arrest on. That being said, it was not a deal breaker for me. I dated a girl for 4 years who was emotionally unstable. Her threats meant nothing to me. But if I was in my right mind and didn't fear losing the comfort of the relationship, I would've immediately left. All she did was bring out a toxic side of me, and she ended up causing MUCH pain by her actions after we broke up. My only advice, stay the hell away from each other. TOXIC And find out why alcohol brings out anger within you. Find what happened in your past that caused this anger to come out while you're inhibited. If it's SOLELY him, then 100% stay away. But if it's something in you, if alcohol brings out anger and pain, FIND OUT WHY. Look hard Well even so...I wasn't in fear of him. I just wanted him to leave. He wouldn't so I got upset. It's just all a mess. I know he would never ever put his hands on me. Ever. He's really not a bad guy. And I'm not a bad girl. We actually meshed amazingly well. He just does have a history of blowing things out of proportion (I did this night. I'm aware) but all the times I would say "I'm not arguing with you. Go home and call me when you calm down" over and over. Look. I've been in a very toxic relationship. I know what that is. Was this fight toxic? Obviously. Was our relationship as a whole? I don't believe it to be. No one who knows us believes it was. All I've heard is how shocked everyone is. As I said earlier we never once said mean things to one another or verbally called one another names or cussed at one another before this night. This is one bad night, can I say you should automatically forgive me because I was drunk? Of course not. In fact I'm not even mad over him yelling and cussing me earlier in the night in front of my family and friends because I feel what I did overshadowed that now. Now it's my problem. But 3 weeks ignoring me and having me blocked...I do feel is overkill for one big fight and empty drunken threats. I don't usually get angry with alcohol. I'm scared now seeing that I can. Which is why I wouldn't be drinking liquor anymore around him for sure. Or anyone I'm dating in the future for that point.
Author Sallyxoxo Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 If you had called the cops on him and he was the one who had been pinched, they could have taken you in for battery. Saw it on Cops. Woman went to jail in Pheonix for pinching her spouse while drunk after she had called the police because she said he had pinned her down. The cops came, saw no marks on her but noticed a red place where she pinched him and took her to jail for battery. Yes, this entire situation would have been a dealbreaker to me as a young man. You know how women hate ball grease mixed in with giz mixed with toe jam sprinkled with a liberal amount of old man back hair near their face? Well, that is how almost every man I have ever known feels about this kind of crazy making nonsensical drama. Self reflect, Grumps That's what gets me on it too though. I didn't do it but if I had, I would have been the one in trouble! Seems to me I would be like "go ahead crazy. You'll be in trouble not me". Geez. Empty threats. Not in my right mind. Do I have to be crucified forever over this?
Strength in Healing Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 (edited) Well, look, he cussed at you in front of family and friends? I mean, whoever (family and friends?) is telling you he's okay and you two should be together is lying or you have very selective hearing. I know that is rough to hear, but damn, seriously. That stuff is no good. You mention he's extremely sensitive. Sounds like he is a good when things are good, BAD when they're bad type of guy. Which leads me back to assuming you're just infatuated with each other. You, him, or both of you feed off the drama... or well, did. Best thing to do is move on... goodness, trust me this stuff doesn't get better in relationships it gets worse. I know you had good memories, but what happened that night would happen again, and again, until finally, someone does call the police, and I end up arresting one or both of you... lol seriously... not kidding, this is the exact formula for eventual domestic violence and abuse arrests/cases... it all starts with a fight like this (sometimes much less), and over months, years, it escalates... so please save your own future and cut him out Edited March 20, 2014 by Strength in Healing
Author Sallyxoxo Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 Well, look, he cussed at you in front of family and friends? I mean, whoever (family and friends?) is telling you he's okay and you two should be together is lying or you have very selective hearing. I know that is rough to hear, but damn, seriously. That stuff is no good. You mention he's extremely sensitive. Sounds like he is a good when things are good, BAD when they're bad type of guy. Which leads me back to assuming you're just infatuated with each other. You, him, or both of you feed off the drama... or well, did. Best thing to do is move on... goodness, trust me this stuff doesn't get better in relationships it gets worse. I know you had good memories, but what happened that night would happen again, and again, until finally, someone does call the police, and I end up arresting one or both of you... lol seriously... Not if we take the main cause of the drama out of the equation...that being liquor. And no my family and friends are upset over that and say I should be mad over that BUT he's not a bad guy. Okay. I'm not gonna win here.
Strength in Healing Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Not if we take the main cause of the drama out of the equation...that being liquor. And no my family and friends are upset over that and say I should be mad over that BUT he's not a bad guy. Okay. I'm not gonna win here. What did you hope for? Validation that your aspirations to get him back are correct? It's not that we're all wrong, it's not we don't know enough details... People are giving you good advice. It's just not what you hoped to hear. But the truth hurts. Liquor is no excuse. That anger in you was real. The liquor may have freed it, but it did not cause it. You need to really let that sink in. 1
Author Sallyxoxo Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 Well, look, he cussed at you in front of family and friends? I mean, whoever (family and friends?) is telling you he's okay and you two should be together is lying or you have very selective hearing. I know that is rough to hear, but damn, seriously. That stuff is no good. You mention he's extremely sensitive. Sounds like he is a good when things are good, BAD when they're bad type of guy. Which leads me back to assuming you're just infatuated with each other. You, him, or both of you feed off the drama... or well, did. Best thing to do is move on... goodness, trust me this stuff doesn't get better in relationships it gets worse. I know you had good memories, but what happened that night would happen again, and again, until finally, someone does call the police, and I end up arresting one or both of you... lol seriously... not kidding, this is the exact formula for eventual domestic violence and abuse arrests/cases... it all starts with a fight like this (sometimes much less), and over months, years, it escalates... so please save your own future and cut him out My first relationship was abusive. 2.5 years. First so I wouldn't leave. Broke my nose blacked my eye blah blah it's my own fault. I was a kid. That was toxic. That is something that would have ended badly. I know how it goes. I'm not a stranger to that stuff. I'm a pretty decent looking girl, I have my career, I'm back in school furthering my degree. Im decently smart.I'm not a bad person either for crying out loud. I take care of dying kids for a living. Geez. Anyone who knows me, knows I'm not mean. I've never hit anyone in my life. I hate the picture this is painting of me like I'm some domineering b* of a person. I'm not. One mistake. And learned my lesson. This could have happened to anyone. People are forgiven for less than this every day and continue on after this stuff to have happy relationships. Lessons learned. Like I stated, I'm not going to win here. I'm just being seen as if this is my norm and I'm trash.
Author Sallyxoxo Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 What did you hope for? Validation that your aspirations to get him back are correct? It's not that we're all wrong, it's not we don't know enough details... People are giving you good advice. It's just not what you hoped to hear. But the truth hurts. Liquor is no excuse. That anger in you was real. The liquor may have freed it, but it did not cause it. You need to really let that sink in. Real...I can see that...would it have ever came out with the influence of something else...doubt it.
Strength in Healing Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Real...I can see that...would have ever came out with the influence of something else...doubt it. That to me would indicate then you are not properly dealing with emotions -- internalizing. I may be in law enforcement, but I am getting my doctorate in psychology. I have been harsh with you, but always real. I don't look at you as some random case or lab rat or anything, but I'd love to talk to you more in depth. Perhaps it would get your mind off your situation, as well. 1
oz-missy Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 I ended up pinching him telling him to leave, kicked a door of the room he went in (we NEVER fought like this before & yes was a lovely side effect to the whiskey) well at one point I threatened to call the cops if he didn't leave. That sounds like domestic violence to me. No matter if the person on the receiving end is male or female it should never be permitted or accepted. He left and wants nothing to do with you. Quite frankly (even if it was a once off) violence in a relationship should never be condoned. I respect him for leaving. Many men and women stay in violent relationships for whatever reasons. He has decided he does not want that for him. As for you - move on. He will not be coming back to you. Maybe take a look at your drinking, if there is a pattern happening in terms of your reactions to situations maybe you should go and seek some professional medical help.
Author Sallyxoxo Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 That to me would indicate then you are not properly dealing with emotions -- internalizing. I may be in law enforcement, but I am getting my doctorate in psychology. I have been harsh with you, but always real. I don't look at you as some random case or lab rat or anything, but I'd love to talk to you more in depth. Perhaps it would get your mind off your situation, as well. I don't know how to go about that on this site ha.
Strength in Healing Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 I don't know how to go about that on this site ha. Download skype. It doesn't have to be used as a video chat program. I used it for just chat and still do a lot of times. My name on it is fox_thomas_z.
Author Sallyxoxo Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 That sounds like domestic violence to me. No matter if the person on the receiving end is male or female it should never be permitted or accepted. He left and wants nothing to do with you. Quite frankly (even if it was a once off) violence in a relationship should never be condoned. I respect him for leaving. Many men and women stay in violent relationships for whatever reasons. He has decided he does not want that for him. As for you - move on. He will not be coming back to you. Maybe take a look at your drinking, if there is a pattern happening in terms of your reactions to situations maybe you should go and seek some professional medical help. I agree. But it's not like I punched the guy or kicked him. I didn't even try...that door I kicked...he let me in. I sat on the bed and told he needed to go do what he threatened me he would do and go home because I was going to bed. End of fight. I had no desire to hit him. I feel bad enough over pinching him. But I do see the act of inflicting pain as being not tolerable. But geez talk to me ab it. Be an adult and talk it over with me.
Grumpybutfun Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Just a passing thought, Sally. You said your last relationship was toxic....do you not see him cussing at you and yelling and you both getting into screaming matches and calling each other names toxic? Do you think that if you are happy ninety percent of the time but this happens only ten percent that this is a good relationship? Do you think maybe you have a skewed idea of what healthy looks like because you have only seen the other side of the spectrum? Do you agree that your exes toxicity is probably one of the reasons you have all this anger and all those demons hiding inside of you waiting for you to lower their inhibitions for them to come out? Do you think this is really alcohol when people drink alcohol all the time and never do any of these things even when they have extra pressure or life stressors? If you want to win in life, you have to give yourself the best advantage so instead of worrying about a relationship, I would be worrying about myself and why I seem to attract toxic behavior around me. Though you are trying to play this off as a drunken night of misbehavior, I have a feeling that you have had many such instances where name calling, angry fighting and verbal abuse, emotional abuses such as manipulation and control and high drama has been in your life. This is just the one where you were the main instigator by being violent and threatening someone with the cops. The common denominator of toxicity is you. So figure out why. Best, Grumps
SammySammy Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 My first relationship was abusive. 2.5 years. First so I wouldn't leave. Broke my nose blacked my eye blah blah it's my own fault. I was a kid. That was toxic. That is something that would have ended badly. I know how it goes. I'm not a stranger to that stuff. I'm a pretty decent looking girl, I have my career, I'm back in school furthering my degree. Im decently smart.I'm not a bad person either for crying out loud. I take care of dying kids for a living. Geez. Anyone who knows me, knows I'm not mean. I've never hit anyone in my life. I hate the picture this is painting of me like I'm some domineering b* of a person. I'm not. One mistake. And learned my lesson. This could have happened to anyone. People are forgiven for less than this every day and continue on after this stuff to have happy relationships. Lessons learned. Like I stated, I'm not going to win here. I'm just being seen as if this is my norm and I'm trash. Nobody is calling you trash. Nor do we care if this is a norm for you. My point is simply that the behavior you exhibited is an unacceptable way of dealing with me as a man. I don't believe you should be trying to "win" here. This is an opportunity for you to grow as a young woman. Without placing blame, making excuses or trying to dodge responsibility for you did. Just live and learn, dear. Now you know that certain behaviors are a signal to some men to end a relationship. You have an opportunity to find a better way of dealing with situations like that. Methods and techniques that can strengthen your relationship rather than tear it apart. That would truly be winning. 1
Author Sallyxoxo Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 Download skype. It doesn't have to be used as a video chat program. I used it for just chat and still do a lot of times. My name on it is fox_thomas_z. I downloaded and sent a message.
Author Sallyxoxo Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 Nobody is calling you trash. Nor do we care if this is a norm for you. My point is simply that the behavior you exhibited is an unacceptable way of dealing with me as a man. I don't believe you should be trying to "win" here. This is an opportunity for you to grow as a young woman. Without placing blame, making excuses or trying to dodge responsibility for you did. Just live and learn, dear. Now you know that certain behaviors are a signal to some men to end a relationship. You have an opportunity to find a better way of dealing with situations like that. Methods and techniques that can strengthen your relationship rather than tear it apart. That would truly be winning. I have learned from it. I feel horrible. I just wish I could make things better with this person. I don't feel like I've ever hurt anyone. This makes me feel like a totally worthless person...& it should. Mistakes were made and lessons learned. I just wanted to know if it was act that would be forgivable...which doesn't look or sound that way. Guess I just have to live with it.
Strength in Healing Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Double check that you sent it to fox_thomas_z. I didn't receive anything
Author Sallyxoxo Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 Double check that you sent it to fox_thomas_z. I didn't receive anything Looks to be correct. I sent it as an instant message.
Author Sallyxoxo Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 And now I'm paranoid and wish this wasn't even online now. Ha. Knowing my luck he'll run across it one day somehow. Ohh the shame.
KaliLove Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Well..I hope Sallyxoxo is not your real name..if it's not then I really doubt he'll find this unless someone tells him about it. This thread will fade away eventually. Don't stress - Kali (not actually named Kali) 1
Author Sallyxoxo Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 Lol nope! And I like to think most people who know me/him are not on these sites and I'm the only one..I might be wrong though. Heck it's certainly seeming to me and by what he had said to me the weekend before he has heard of the "no contact rule" maybe I'm wrong again though...probably so. I've been so wrong through this whole thing it's prob safe for me to start assuming that anything that has to do with it or I think is going on or might happen...is probably wrong lol
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