EastBank75 Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 My fiancé, we've been tog other for 16 years, told me a month ago that on 26th December, whilst visiting her oldest girlfriend of more than 25 years and her husband and 3 year old baby, kissed after the wife had gone to bed. I was at home in another city as I had family visiting for Christmas and she was going to see her folks. She says she was hungover from our Christmas Day celebrations, then drank again and smoked some pot (he always does this). They were dancing together, he stepped right up to her, looked into her eyes and said 'do you feel something?' She says she led the kiss but to me he'd started it with tha comment. She said she cried that night, and he pursued her after she said tis couldn't happen. They continued to contact each other after this in a big secret for around 50 days. He's been sending her music and telling each other tat they love each other. She's been down to London to see her ill mother and met him twice in a pub. She says it hasn't been sexual, but she probably would have let it if he'd tried. I believe her because she said this. The wife found out and a week later on valentines weekend, after a little tiff, she eventually told me all of this. She said they were in love and she had actually said she would move down to be with him in London, although she says she said this flippantly. She is being very honest which really hurts but I've been telling her she needs to be. I was an absolute mess for the first week, insomnia and drinking heavily. The last three weeks have been really tough also. She has said that she does love me but that their love was exciting a she made her feel protected (that hurt). Over the month she's said that she's lost the excited feeling but can't help remembering how they felt. They stopped contact three weeks ago, and she has said that she will tell me if there is contact, which I believe. He told her that he loves her, that she hat to make her mind up and that he will stop contacting her (?) which he has. She hag sad this has put her in limbo, but does seem to be coming out of it. I offered to move out, which she said she didn't want then last Friday I told he that we needed to break up which made her cry. She said she really didn't want this and loves me. I feel that she may just be saying this through sorrow because of how I reacted, tearfully as drunkenly asking her not to go. She's said the main reason she thinks this happened was me not being there enough for her during her mothers serous illness, which is true, but I have a stressful job and had been really stressed And tired. There are reasons for our rut in me playing a lot of poker and we'd stopped communicating properly. Also going to football often and just being pretty stressed and lazy a lot of the time (I think I may have been depressed for a while score this in retrospect). I mentioned going to relationship counceling and she said she would. I asked her f shed like to go for herself first, to which she said yes but that it may take a lot of sessions. She went last night for the first time and seemed really relaxed after and said next week either I should go or we should go together. My head is proper messed up and I have never felt this emotional about anything before in my life (I'm 38). I feel that violence a gist this man would really help me calm and remasculate myself, but can't do that because has a three year old boy. Any comments on how to help, think or do would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Poppyolive Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 I'm sorry you are going through this, no doubt it is painful & emotional. Feeling angry, hurt, lost are all perfectly normal but lashing out will maje things worse. Using you not bring there for her is a stupid lame ass excuse. She could of communicated this.... Obviously your women is a mess too but I'm sure nowhere near as destroyed you are feeling.... My advice is remove yourself from the mess, take a break, holiday, visit friends, go somewhere away from the mess. This will give you breathing space, her space....because right now you are hurting and being all up in her face will possibly push her away..... Nobody matters right now except YOU! Write here, take care if your heart 1
sooshi Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 I'm sorry you're going through this. This sounds terrible. I think that your fiancee/this man were feeling vulnerable and acted out of feeling that way. I'm glad she's been honest with you though. I hope the relationship counseling helps you both. 1
Author EastBank75 Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 I'm sorry you're going through this. This sounds terrible. I think that your fiancee/this man were feeling vulnerable and acted out of feeling that way. I'm glad she's been honest with you though. I hope the relationship counseling helps you both. Thank you for your kind comments guys, greatly appreciated. My situation may seem minor compared to others on here but it feels like the World to me. I didn't know how my heart could feel and how much love I had until this happened.
Strength in Healing Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Grass is Greener Syndrome coupled with cheating. I know 16 years is so much brother. I lost my fiance of 4 years and know your pain... but you have to tell yourself what I did... that the person we thought they were is merely an illusion... what we created to feel the most comfortable in our heads. THIS is who she REALLY was... GIGS or not... 1
KaliLove Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Violence is never, ever the answer to anything. Ever. Whether the person has a child or not. Please get that out of your head forever.
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