Online Dating - how to manage multiple prospects

[RedRobin]

You gotta take notes on your smartphone contact app. Put down info that you would immediately recall, so you don't mix them up. I did some multi-dating, but I never sleep with more than 1 at a time. I had consecutive 1st dates, and I immediately eliminate most of them, so I can concentrate on 1. It's good to meet soon so you don't waste time and energy exploring. The 1st dates are great indicators for me, because I always kiss, so the chemistry is revealed. Plus there are stuff that you can't know until 1st date. Like there was one gorgeous woman I went on a date with, and something about her wasn't right. It turns out she exhibited some gestures that remind me of my ex-wife. I was instantly turned off. Good thing I met her just a week after talking to her online.

You always kiss, huh? I find that hard to believe.

If a guy tried to kiss me on a first meeting, he wouldn't get a second. No matter how much I liked him before that.

 

 

I dunno Phantom. You insist on unprotected sex without STD testing in advance, and you insist on kissing total strangers on a first meeting.

 

 

You aren't the only guy in your age group I've met online who does this or tries this. It's one of the main reasons that OLD is just backup for me.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm not going into OLD looking for a wife. More just wanting to date, see how it feels.

OK. You seem to enjoy having a carousel of women circulating through your life. From where I'm sitting, it appears that women are your fix. I wonder what conditions you're treating or masking with your drug of choice, and what kind of personal progress you would make were you to put your fix aside for a while.

[RedRobin]

... I was going to add...

 

 

Edited: I have to add, Babs, that the last two men I met on Match were probably two of the best experiences I've ever had there. It wasn't a match with either of them, but it was positive, it was fun, and left me feeling upbeat about dating. I'll never go back to the quick meet and coffee greet. Too many a-holes and wierdos that way.

 

 

Keep up the focused emails/contacts too. Those are the only ones I EVER respond to online. I'd rather have zero responses than have the standard cut and paste ones. Those get instantly deleted or ignored altogether.

[Babolat]

OK. You seem to enjoy having a carousel of women circulating through your life. From where I'm sitting, it appears that women are your fix. I wonder what conditions you're treating or masking with your drug of choice, and what kind of personal progress you would make were you to put your fix aside for a while.

 

You make a good point; one I have thought about.

 

I took a very long break from March 2013 to October 2013, no dating, no new woman "added" to my life, other than my 46 year old friend I refer to on here . The exception was the occasional "visit" from the ex gf. I allowed this, yes. The sex was great, at the time, it was what I needed. I did not persue her though nor did I have a desire to date her again.

 

Once her and I went full no contact in August 2013, I did not go on a date until sometime in late October I think. That was with the woman I refer to as my FWB here. I now know, she was something I needed, to take a next step. And, I think it was the same for her as she had recently broken up with her bf of 3 years.

 

I feel more comfortable around woman, as friends, as most of my male friends are players, heavy drinkers, they lack depth, or they are married. I don't enjoy being around them for the most part. I have three very good male friends I spend time with: one is gay, one is a player and one is married. The player, I make fun of him, he makes fun of me, he has depth though and we have good conversations. He acknowledges he is a mess, at least. The others, do not. I have trtied to reconnect with the men from our couples friends when I was married. I realized, that while married, our common bond was boating and drinking. I'm done with all of the drinking.

 

I tried MeetUps, truly to make more male friends; not to meet women. And I did, but after a few hang outs, dinners, etc, the drinker/player in them came out. Or, they lacked depth. They were attending the MeetUps, to hook up. I have hung out with a few of my 46 year old females male friends. They are cool; but again, all they talk about is woman. It's, boring.

 

When my ex gf "came back" to me mid Novemeber, to ask to try again, I felt very healthy, very calm, at peace, no anxiety at that point in my life. I was finally having fun again. I made a mistake be reconsidering an "us". I almost knew it from the get go; yet I wanted a comitted, serious LTR, we had already been thru all of the "getting to know each other" and, I truly thought her drinking and lifestyle were my main issues with her. Spending time with her I realized that was just a sympton of deeper rooted issues with her. I "hung in there" though hoping something would happen; what, I don't know.

 

And, this may be why I am back on OLD. Strangley, I am not meeting woman by choice. I'm enjoying the "chatting". So, maybe this is something I need right now. I dunno. I cancelled meeting the Sunday coffee woman last night. So I'm down to 3, and will probably just meet the one woman Saturday, as I have really enjoyed talking to her; she is fun. One of the others is sharing waaaay to much about her life over email, this early.

 

This post has opened my eyes a bit and it's caused me to "slow down" with OLD; so I needed to hear the comments in this post, too.

 

If there was a better way to connect at a deeper level with my male friends, I would. It's not for lack of effort. I have tried. I have a lot of "casual male" friends as I am very active. When I feel "a connection" to one I try to advance the friendship.

 

I am not a "guys guy". I don't like to sit in bars, drink beer, sit in the house, watch football, hoot and hollar, etc. Most men at my age, who are single are partiers, drinkers, woman chasers and we just don't seem to connect.

 

I've often joked; I wish they had a online site where men could meet men for friendship.

 

I think OLD, this time, has been a distraction for. Over the past 2 - 3 days I have found myself being "done with it" and questioning why I am even on again.

 

One thing I do enjoy with my female friends, is listening to their relationship stories, and offering advice when I can. Last night a friend called me, asked if we could meet for a drink, we did. She talked about her current bf, challenges, what's bothering her, etc. I listened, offered her some advice, and that was really it. This is a woman whom I have had an opporutnity to sleep with. She was literally completely naked in my house, my d&&ck was in her hand, and I could not do it. Yeah, strange, I know. She is a hottie in my tennis circles, all men would love to sleep with her. I use to be very attracted to her and thought she was someone I could date. I now see a woman who is an emotional mess, is very neededy, jumps from one relationship to the other, etc. Yet, I enjoy our friendship and I know my boundaries with her. My advice to her is always the same" take some time off from dating. Yet she will wait a week, which to her "is time off" then jump right back into another one.

 

So, I'm open to advice here. I'd love to hang out more with my buddies, and I am, it's just not the quality time I like. My 46 year old female friend asked me to go biking Saturday morning, then go to a local Irish festival and then go to a mutual friends backyard fire pit party together. Should I say no? I want to go, I like hanging out with her.....

Edited March 20, 2014 by Babolat

[Babolat]

You always kiss, huh? I find that hard to believe.

If a guy tried to kiss me on a first meeting, he wouldn't get a second. No matter how much I liked him before that.

 

 

I dunno Phantom. You insist on unprotected sex without STD testing in advance, and you insist on kissing total strangers on a first meeting.

 

 

You aren't the only guy in your age group I've met online who does this or tries this. It's one of the main reasons that OLD is just backup for me.

 

Agreed, the have to kiss them comment is not for me. I've had women grab my hand, pull me towards them, grab my arm, while walking, etc, on a first OLD meeting (2+ years ago), and it felt odd to me. In all of those cases. if there were additional dates, it did not last too long and typically advanced to sex very fast.

 

At the time, this was Okay for me I guess. Now though, I want more.

 

I am realizing I jumped in too fast with this OLD, thus the emotional "overwhelmness" I felt. I have pretty much stopped, and feel more settled again. I plan to meet the one woman this weekend, as I could see her and I being friends if there was no "relationship" connection; she is very cool and funny. I'll re-evaluate after that!

 

No spreadhsheets for me!

 

It still makes me wonder, mostly for the woman, how do you manage this? My 46 year old friend said she was getting 100+ messages a day sometimes, and there was no way she could get thru all of them. Her quick and fast filter was "are they attractive".

[carhill]

OP, back when I was doing this in my mid 30's, I managed it like I would with my social circle, e.g. an activity with one friend, a group activity with a number of friends, another meeting with another friend, etc, etc. At this point, at first meeting, these people are essentially strangers and little different than managing other non-romantic contacts/interactions.

 

My 'busiest' day was lunch with one lady, an afternoon activity with another (we met at a river park for a walk) and dinner with another. All first meetings, all otherwise strangers. I trust they all viewed the interactions similarly. One of the three, IIRC the lunch 'date', became a dating partner for a month or two.

[Babolat]

OP, back when I was doing this in my mid 30's, I managed it like I would with my social circle, e.g. an activity with one friend, a group activity with a number of friends, another meeting with another friend, etc, etc. At this point, at first meeting, these people are essentially strangers and little different than managing other non-romantic contacts/interactions.

 

My 'busiest' day was lunch with one lady, an afternoon activity with another (we met at a river park for a walk) and dinner with another. All first meetings, all otherwise strangers. I trust they all viewed the interactions similarly. One of the three, IIRC the lunch 'date', became a dating partner for a month or two.

 

Thanks for the feeback. I remember one weekend, almost 3 years ago when I first started OLD post seperation, I met 5 women. By Sunday night, I was exhausted. I met one of the 5 again for dinner, that was it.

 

One of the other 5, that day, invited me back to her house, pretty much for sex is how I took it. I bumped into her a few weeks later at a festival; same thing, she invited me back to her house.

 

The last one I met, I liked, we had dinner and talked for a looong time. Just no dating connection. We stayed in touch for a while, and I helped her look for a new job, as I am in the field she was studying to get into. The other two, I can't even remember them!

[Candy_Pants]

I used to save numbers as "Sam Hiking", or "Ted Painter" so I could remember who was who. But then I had repeat names and mutual hobbies. You'd be surprised how many Pauls are photographers .

 

And two in a weekend isn't bad. In my heyday I could pull off 4 meets in an afternoon .

[RedRobin]

Agreed, the have to kiss them comment is not for me. I've had women grab my hand, pull me towards them, grab my arm, while walking, etc, on a first OLD meeting (2+ years ago), and it felt odd to me. In all of those cases. if there were additional dates, it did not last too long and typically advanced to sex very fast.

 

At the time, this was Okay for me I guess. Now though, I want more.

 

I am realizing I jumped in too fast with this OLD, thus the emotional "overwhelmness" I felt. I have pretty much stopped, and feel more settled again. I plan to meet the one woman this weekend, as I could see her and I being friends if there was no "relationship" connection; she is very cool and funny. I'll re-evaluate after that!

 

No spreadhsheets for me!

 

It still makes me wonder, mostly for the woman, how do you manage this? My 46 year old friend said she was getting 100+ messages a day sometimes, and there was no way she could get thru all of them. Her quick and fast filter was "are they attractive".

 

Both Match and OkC have email filters.

 

 

I filter out all emails from men who don't meet my basic criteria. That cuts down about half since most are from men who are older.

 

 

I don't post pictures that are provocative and I don't talk provocatively in my profile. That weeds out a bunch more. (the 'hair' picture I have on LS would not go on an OLD profile, for instance. I consider that too provocative for OLD)

 

 

... then I create a special offline email where the online emails are sent. Unlike the website, my Outlook previews the emails and I can quickly see if the email is 'spam'. Next time I log into my account, I know to delete or ignore those. I ignore all 'likes' and 'winks'. Occasionally I will go look at their profiles, but that's it.

 

 

I only log in when I'm actively doing my own searches or when a man I'm interested in has drafted a thoughtful email. Saves me tons of time and keeps me from getting sucked into the OLD hole.

 

 

Yes, I do make the first move with guys and send him a nice email. If his response is just 'meh', I'll play along for an email or two, then next.

 

 

When I know my schedule is packed or have a crunch time at work, I disable my profile entirely... and about meeting guys... I never put my other activities aside for a first meeting. Ever. I reserve one or two days a week for something spontaneous and for meeting new people/networking. That keeps me from getting burnt out.

[Babolat]

Both Match and OkC have email filters..

 

I remember Match did from 2 years ago. I was not aware OkC did. I'll have to find that.

 

 

I don't post pictures that are provocative and I don't talk provocatively in my profile. That weeds out a bunch more. (the 'hair' picture I have on LS would not go on an OLD profile, for instance. I consider that too provocative for OLD)

 

Same here. A woman messaged me yesterday, very attractive, 3 pics, one is in a sexy revealing Halloween costume, one is her on a beach in a revealing bikini, one is in a formal dress. There was very little content in her profile, so I commented on that in my reply, though we were a 96% Match. She told me a story about how a man found her online, stalked her, found her home, broke into her garage, etc. That that is why she did not put much in her profile this time. She said she is getting a lot of unwanted attention, men who just want sex. I nicely suggested she take down the bikini pic. She sent me a rant email stating she was proud of her shape, she takes care of herself, and that's why that photo is on her profile. That I should not be giving women advice. She also said she did not answer the Sex related question. Well, seems she did, 6 pages of them.

 

 

... then I create a special offline email where the online emails are sent.

Same here

 

When I know my schedule is packed or have a crunch time at work, I disable my profile entirely...

 

Good advice

 

and about meeting guys... I never put my other activities aside for a first meeting. Ever. I reserve one or two days a week for something spontaneous and for meeting new people/networking. That keeps me from getting burnt out.

 

More, good advice!

[Sunfire73]

I had no strategy. It was not that I was not being serious, but I'm was not desperately trying to find someone. I'm just open to finding someone interesting and having fun getting to know guys. If i had more than 1 prospects, I wait for a meetup. When no one plans after 2 weeks, he gets dropped, or when one plan and there was no connection, then he gets dropped as well. I don't email for more than 2 weeks. When I got tired of my messages, and the meet ups, and non-meetups, I did the search myself in Match last summer. Favorited a few, one messaged me and now he is my boyfriend of 8 months.

[Babolat]

Well its gone from 6 to 2 in 24 hours and I've yet to even meet anyone! One today sent me an email questioning why I was still Active and why I answered a new question today. .really? We have not even met yet. Goodbye to her.

[MidwestUSA]

Well its gone from 6 to 2 in 24 hours and I've yet to even meet anyone! One today sent me an email questioning why I was still Active and why I answered a new question today. .really? We have not even met yet. Goodbye to her.

 

LOL, see how easy that was?

[BC1980]

Well its gone from 6 to 2 in 24 hours and I've yet to even meet anyone! One today sent me an email questioning why I was still Active and why I answered a new question today. .really? We have not even met yet. Goodbye to her.

 

Wow. . . . she needs to dial it back from a 10 to about a 5.

[Babolat]

Wow. . . . she needs to dial it back from a 10 to about a 5.

 

Yeah, this is the same one who is losing her job at the end of the month and sends me 2-3 page emails telling her life story.

 

My filter is improving!

[Babolat]

This post has helped me a lot. I think I was/am using OLD as a distraction, rather than sincerely looking to start dating. And also maybe to make a new friend or two. I think that was part of my feeling overwhelmed, like I had to meet someone and also the volume of messages and activity I was getting.

 

I'm ignoring some of the activity now plus I am no longer messaging anyone. It's my guess I will be off the site soon as it's getting warm and my weekends are filling up already!

[Mo_Do]

I am doing the same thing right now - and have found that too many on the go at once is exhausting. I've met 6 girls in the past few weeks, one planned for tomorrow.

 

Had another planned for today but during the get-to-know process she turned out to be a nut job, so she just got dropped yesterday (bi-polar, meds, regular doc visits - big surprise, she had all the provocative pics on her profile, nice boobs, azz, body etc beware guys!).

 

The one I am meeting tomorrow I've spoken with every day on the phone for 3-4 days, and we text during the day as well. I figure if she saw I was logged she would get upset at this point..so I've stopped logging into the site I met her on.

 

I am also e-mailing 3 others that I could meet at any time, but I have to see how tomorrow goes first.

 

This system works for me, when the one I meet doesn't work out, I have a group ready to meet up and I'll log back in and gather a couple more into the messaging stage.

 

I would never meet more than one girl on the same day...that's just stupid IMO and for people that send 2 messages and then meet as total strangers. I like to build a little something first to make it more special - and I couldn't meet 2 of those on the same day, its hard enough when one is calling while I am on the phone with another.

Edited March 22, 2014 by Mo_Do

[Atticus9292012]

I always kept as many prospects as I could manage. Until you meet someone the person online is seriously nothing more than a fictitious person. I usually would talk to the person for a week or two online, if not crazy, get/give #s, meet and decide. I went on several first dates, but very very few past that. You don't know till you meet someone what they are really like. It's just a continuous screening process for me. No emotions. I met several guys who were deeply introverted and not anything like how they presented themselves online/on the phone. If I allowed myself to get emotionally involved it would be over someone that didn't really exist. You see what I am saying?

[Babolat]

My Sunday meet up for coffee turned into lunch. When I walked in I saw a woman who I hoped it was here as she was amazingly beautiful, it was!

 

We were going to go for a walk but it started raining.

 

We ended up talking for 3.5 hours; amazing conversation, great chemisty, very similar values, beliefs, morals, views on life, interests, etc. I did not allow myself to get to wrapped up in it all, rather I was just enjoying the conversation and paying attention to how I felt and really "listening" to her stories and what she had to say. She has 3 kids, which is different for me, one is 18, 2 are twins, 14. She has shared custody with her ex though.

 

We ended with me walking her to her car, and a hug. She texted me 2 hours later to say she had a "lovely" time. I texted back stating the same, and that I want to see her again, she texted back saying "Yay, me too!"

 

It was left at that. I'm not going to rush into this like i have others before. I am going to pay attention to my thoughts, my feelings, listen to her, to me, etc.

 

On a seperate note, I did decide to unfriend my ex gf on Facebook. I looked at her page Sunday morning, and there were photos/pics of her at bars with male/female friends, and even a post about getting hit on/picked up by a 24 year old and how flattered she was, at 44. That was enough for me to realize I have no desire to even be friends with her; more of the same. When we ar enot together she is back at the bars; back at posting pics of herself with freinds at baras. She even posted a pic of flowers one of her male friends sent her for her birthday and said "best flowers ever". This is the same male friend she told me is no longer her friend as he was talking sexaully about her behind her back. It's the same male friend she would stay in hotels with when we were dating last year, when he came into town to party for the weekend. Some thing, don't change.

Edited March 24, 2014 by Babolat

[Chocolat]

 

We ended with me walking her to her car, and a hug. She texted me 2 hours later to say she had a "lovely" time. I texted back stating the same, and that I want to see her again, she texted back saying "Yay, me too!"

 

Yay, me three!

 

Glad it was a good experience for you.