Update - taking slow pays off

[hestheone66]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/349919-will-having-talk-ruin-us

 

my other thread was quite a while ago and I thought I'd share the value of not forcing having 'the talk' and letting things evolve at their own pace.

 

So the situation now: I have a man who treasures me, showers me with attention, kindness and devotion.

 

If at that stage I was going to insist on having the 'talk' it would be a way of saying that my needs to know are more important than his needs to not feel trapped too early. Nothing in his behavior indicated he was anything other than devoted, but as both of us had been involved with people previously where a whirlwind speed had lead to poor decision making, it was prudent for us to take it so slow.

 

For women, we can feel insecure even when there is zero reason to feel that way. If a many is acting trustworthy, attentive, respectful and says he loves you it is entirely more satisfactory than a man who professes that he'll 'always be there', 'marry you', 'love you forever' etc and his behavior doesn't match his words.

 

I had been with a man years ago who told me 'I would die for you', yet never was able to support any single thing I did, never helped with any chores and openly ridiculed me. I know which I prefer.. and for guys.(and women).. your value increases if you keep just enough mystery

 

remember - if someone loves you, they will stay even with the door open and that seems preferable to someone weighing you down with expectations and demand.. love is a choice, not a contract

[Gaeta]

Thank you, I needed to be reminded that a man that loves me will stick around even with an open door.

 

That being said I am glad it turned out great for both of you but I know women, including myself, who have not had *the talk* in fear of damaging a good thing, and we ended up with a broken hearts after investing months into a man. First example that comes to mind is my daughter who dated this man for an entire year, who acted like a loving boyfriend, I insisted she had the *talk* with him but she didn't. A year later he left the country saying *I never promised you a rose garden*.

 

Depends how much time you are willing to gamble because if you don't have the talk, you are gambling.

[hestheone66]

Love, no matter what is always a gamble. There is no absolute certainty and actually if you think about it, having fewer expectations and being aware of potential heartbreak could be a way to handle the event of a breakup. In other words you can't delude yourself it is happy ever after. It does require a different mind set. Willie Nelson said 'just focus on being happy today, when you look back you will have a lifetime of happy days' or something similar.

[Priv]

Don't know. If someone I liked said to me 'I won't be 'conned' into monogamy again; and 'I don't know where the need to be 'claimed' is coming from' I would have taken that as a very clear signal to not become too emotionally involved and would probably have moved on. Taking it that slow/contradictory with the above mindset could have easily backfired.

 

 

Nothing wrong with making it clear what you are looking for... 'The talk' doesn't sabotage the relationship unless it is freakishly early (first few dates) or feelings aren't there. But thats due to 'the talk'.

[hestheone66]

I know what you mean that without some boundaries people could get hurt. In my case we didn't want to presume monogamy was the principle that was so important. Freedom for both of us remains the way we have proceeded. The fact that hypothetically either of us could just up and go no questions asked has led to a situation where we each work hard to keep interest high. We know that taking each other for granted would be immediate death knell. We realise how special that we are so compatible. We understand that rules and routines are stifling. He's always as keen as mustard to see me for chaste or naughty reasons and I'm never ever left wondering if he loves and values me.