hestheone66 Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 Hello. i posted about this a few weeks ago but didn't get much response. We met as a NSA relationship on a dating site, but had a real lot of chemistry. We are both quite introspective and have come out of abusive relationships but been apart and 'done personal growth' and been on our own for a few years now. We are very respectful of each other's privacy and haven't committed to being exclusive as we both thought neither of us wanted to impose that on the other. As we have become closer and declared love feelings for each other, I'm feeling like I want to tell him i'd prefer to be exclusive.. this is a BIG step for me.. I'm not sure if I want to 'grab him' as he is a catch on so many fronts. I'm not prone to jealousy. I think he's wanted to be exclusive for a while. Most of our spare time is either with our children (both of us single parents and very nurturing of their emotional needs) or with each other so the exclusivity is implied. My question: if I ask for it from him, will it make what's up to this point in time a lovely romance with no expectations, petulance or stress, into something that may be awkward. I'm old fashioned and think that when he's ready he will ask if that is something I'm prepared to do. I worry that my bravado in our early weeks of dating has lead him to believe that I won't be 'conned' into monogamy again. In recent times I've hinted. worse of all I don't know where the need to be 'claimed' is coming from. Usually when i express some vulnerability he loves it.. but in the recent week he's almost mocked it, seemingly to protect himself from getting 'too involved'. On the one hand he is withdrawing on an emotional level, but on another, he is increasingly putting himself out to help me in practical ways. I don't doubt his affection for me, I doubt whether expressing any sort of future will be on the agenda, and for me, it is starting to feel a bit superficial as we veer away from 'deep' conversations. HELP Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 Ugh. I hate mind-games like this. Just tell him what you're thinking. Speak your mind. How he responds is up to him, then you'll know. TBH I would already have run a mile. If someone becomes distant and 'abusive' in order to remain 'detached' - why the hell would I want anything to do with him at all? I'm worth a lot more to myself than letting some insecure idiot mess around with me like this. Every new person is a new person, and needs to be seen in their own light, not in comparison to any past ex- or experience. Sorry, I call it as I see it, and this doesn't sound at all positive to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hestheone66 Posted October 3, 2012 Author Share Posted October 3, 2012 Ugh. I hate mind-games like this. Just tell him what you're thinking. Speak your mind. How he responds is up to him, then you'll know. Thanks for that TM.. definitely good to have some independant view on this. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 OP I think you'll be doing yourself an injustice if you're just going to wait for him to come around. Women back in the days have had it hard, they were raised to always put the needs of men before themselves and they suffered in silence. Of course we've been taught to be more independent and to be more outspoken about our feelings. Hence why are you waiting? I understand your view point of having a more traditional outlook on things, but then again having an NSA relationship doesn't really fall into that category. I think, in the beginning you chose NSA because in a way it is a defense mechanism. Understandable but humans are not wired that way to completely avoid attachment. At some pointe we all want to heal, move on and find someone to love and be loved in return. As for your situation, you owe it to yourself to be in a loving relationship. If he does feel the same way about you, great but if he doesn't, you allow yourself to figure out whether you want a loveless relationship or not. Ultimately you deserve to move on and you need to set by example for your children. Link to post Share on other sites
River Rain Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 I agree. Speak up and tell him how you feel and what you want. It's always a risk because he might not want the same, but living with worry and hiding your true feelings will only cause damage. I'm a "need to know" person and that's always a risk I take because not knowing and compromising my own needs and wants feels worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts