A Son's response to cheating

[underwater2010]

Watching the second season of Vikings. At the end of the first season, the wife left. She not only miscarried, but lost their daughter to a plague. Only to find out that her husband had impregnated another woman.

 

When he brought the new woman back, expecting his wife to accept her for the sake of the baby. The wife walked away, taking his son with her.

 

After watching the recap..my son makes the comment "He is horrible for doing that to his wife." I asked what did you say..."He slept with another woman while married to his wife." Right in front of my FWH.

 

I wonder if that cut him to the bone. I would never reveal to my kids that he came so close to screwing another woman. It is none of their business.

 

Just wow....I wonder if he ever knew exactly what his kid's reaction would be?

[BetrayedH]

While watching TV, my son commented with some measure of disgust about how all the shows have affairs in them. I just said, yep. It struck me how verbose I am on this, that I didn't have much to add.

[Quiet Storm]

I think many cheaters are not very self aware. Many don't become introspective until after the affair (if at all). So it isn't unusual for cheaters to see shows & movies about affairs and the pain they cause, and not connect it to their own actions.

 

Cheaters often create a buffer of denial that protects themselves from the reality of the damage they have caused. They often rationalize their reasons for the affair. And minimize the impact that it has on those they love. Not all cheaters do this, but I think it is relatively common.

 

All people have their own "self talk", which is our inner running dialogue. Most of us use it in positive ways- to encourage ourselves to be healthier, positive, more productive, etc.

 

I have noticed that many cheaters and addicts will use "self talk" to soothe themselves into believing their actions are not that bad. Their lives can be falling apart around them, but they will tell themselves "It's OK, they understand". "I'm only hurting myself". "This (affair/drug) makes me happier & easier to live with". "I'm only human, people make mistakes". They do this to avoid negative feelings, such as guilt and shame. It protects them from feeling or understanding the true impact of their behavior. "Numbs" them in a way.

 

Sadly, some cheaters are just not strong or healthy enough to properly deal with the pain they caused (unless they get help through counseling). The denial is a self protective mechanism that acts as a buffer between the truth and their fragile sense of self. Many don't have the emotional capability to cope with the reality, the guilt, the shame... so they simply retreat into denial.

 

Of course, I don't think that self talk should be negative or that cheaters need to be telling themselves what horrible people they are. That would be counterproductive. But it's important to view things realistically.

 

Denial can become automatic, especially in people that had difficult childhoods. As children, denial helped to protect them from the reality of circumstances that they had NO CONTROL over. The problem is that this practice can train our brains to automatically revert to "denial mode". It can become a default way of dealing with conflict & problems, which is unhealthy, because adults do have control over their circumstances.

 

I doubt your husband even considered how your child would react. He probably didn't allow his mind to "go there".

[confusedandhurt2002]

So, so well said .....

 

I think many cheaters are not very self aware. Many don't become introspective until after the affair (if at all). So it isn't unusual for cheaters to see shows & movies about affairs and the pain they cause, and not connect it to their own actions.

 

Cheaters often create a buffer of denial that protects themselves from the reality of the damage they have caused. They often rationalize their reasons for the affair. And minimize the impact that it has on those they love. Not all cheaters do this, but I think it is relatively common.

 

All people have their own "self talk", which is our inner running dialogue. Most of us use it in positive ways- to encourage ourselves to be healthier, positive, more productive, etc.

 

I have noticed that many cheaters and addicts will use "self talk" to soothe themselves into believing their actions are not that bad. Their lives can be falling apart around them, but they will tell themselves "It's OK, they understand". "I'm only hurting myself". "This (affair/drug) makes me happier & easier to live with". "I'm only human, people make mistakes". They do this to avoid negative feelings, such as guilt and shame. It protects them from feeling or understanding the true impact of their behavior. "Numbs" them in a way.

 

Sadly, some cheaters are just not strong or healthy enough to properly deal with the pain they caused (unless they get help through counseling). The denial is a self protective mechanism that acts as a buffer between the truth and their fragile sense of self. Many don't have the emotional capability to cope with the reality, the guilt, the shame... so they simply retreat into denial.

 

Of course, I don't think that self talk should be negative or that cheaters need to be telling themselves what horrible people they are. That would be counterproductive. But it's important to view things realistically.

 

Denial can become automatic, especially in people that had difficult childhoods. As children, denial helped to protect them from the reality of circumstances that they had NO CONTROL over. The problem is that this practice can train our brains to automatically revert to "denial mode". It can become a default way of dealing with conflict & problems, which is unhealthy, because adults do have control over their circumstances.

 

I doubt your husband even considered how your child would react. He probably didn't allow his mind to "go there".

[janedoe67]

Your son sounds like an astute and caring kid

 

It is amazing how an A changes perspective. Shows that I used to watch I can't stand now. And some songs.....oh my gosh. It really does feel like adultery is everywhere.

[confusedandhurt2002]

It is everywhere and so many act like it's no big deal and doesn't destroy lives. My husband and I went to see a movie together about five months after DDay and there we are sitting in a theater watching a man cheat on his wife and then later the wife confront the woman in a bathroom. I whispered, "Hit the bitch," when the wife was on screen yelling at the other woman. lol. Yeah, it was awkward. especially since my husband knows I have daydreams about beating the crap out of the OW. yes, I know he is the one who broke his promise to me, but she seriously went after my husband for YEARS.

 

Your son sounds like an astute and caring kid

 

It is amazing how an A changes perspective. Shows that I used to watch I can't stand now. And some songs.....oh my gosh. It really does feel like adultery is everywhere.

[underwater2010]

Your son sounds like an astute and caring kid

 

It is amazing how an A changes perspective. Shows that I used to watch I can't stand now. And some songs.....oh my gosh. It really does feel like adultery is everywhere.

 

Thank you...he is. One of his best friends is a kid with mild autism. They bring out the best in each other. Another one of his friends should up as the new kid in class after open heart surgery...he always is there to defend him.

 

He may not get the greatest of grades or control his temper well, but I see how big his heart is all the time. And that is not always something that is taught...but comes naturally.