Considering being the OW

[theloneranger]

First time here, have enjoyed reading others posts and knowing that I'm not alone. Maybe I need advice, maybe I just want to vent.

 

I'm in a committed relationship (almost 3 years). We have not always been monogamous (mostly non when we were long distance), and having partners / experiences outside of our relationship has always been something we have talked about doing, although nothing we have practiced seriously.

 

Now my MM. He's a coworker. I have no qualms about that - I have dated coworkers before with no drama or hurt feeling involved, and continue to be in good terms with all. We have developed a strong attraction over the past year or so. It has until this year been fairly innocent and we have never crossed the line. Long story short we have been increasingly attracted to each other (physically and emotionally, I believe), to the point where we have talked openly about wanting more from each other. Most of these conversations have been while we are drinking. Last week we crossed further over the line. He had his hands on my thigh (covertly) throughout the evening. I fell into temptation and sent him a very sexual text later in the evening. He responded that we should find a time to get together.

 

I know it's wrong. I want him, yes, but I also care about him deeply, and I don't want to hurt him. If he cheated on his wife I'm sure he would feel guilty and hurt from it. I want to come clean and ask my partner for permission, but doing that would be admitting to him that I would even consider being the OW. So I'm stuck also feeling like i'm being deceitful.

 

I know only harm can come from this. I don't want him to cheat on his wife. I don't want him to leave his wife either. But my desire for him is all consuming. I feel like I am no longer in control of my emotions or actions. If I think about what I would do if an opportunity to be with him arose, I think I would follow my libido. I feel like a terrible person but mostly I just can't stop thinking about him, every time we see each other it ignites the flame even higher. I can't imagine a resolution to this problem.

 

We haven't talked since our text exchange. Hopefully he is smart and deleted them so his wife won't see. I will probably see him next week at a work event. There will be opportunity there to talk further. My SO will be out of town that weekend as well, and I'm scared that I won't be strong enough to resist that opportunity as well.

 

Thoughts, or just story sharing appreciated.

Edited March 19, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Popsicle]

Welcome to hell. Make yourself comfortable,we're all sitting here around the fire.

[Daisy2013]

Welcome to hell. Make yourself comfortable,we're all sitting here around the fire.

 

I choked on my drink laughing so hard at this response. Take it to heart. It is the truest and best response you will receive. And yes, welcome.

[SugarHibiscus]

Couldn't agree more. Run! Run as fast as you can! Don't stop to rationalize. Just run!

[underwater2010]

Stop going out for drinks with people that you cannot "control" your self around.

 

Look you are not a child. You can control your actions. If you keep putting yourself in this situation your going to cause yourself, him and his wife a lot of pain.

 

As for "dating" coworkers....you have been lucky so far and beaten the odds. Your luck will run out eventually. I suggest you quit crapping where you sleep.

[jwi71]

I'm in a committed relationship (almost 3 years). We have not always been monogamous (mostly non when we were long distance), and having partners / experiences outside of our relationship has always been something we have talked about doing, although nothing we have practiced seriously.

 

Based on this...it appears you would be cheating on your SO.

...maybe you should discuss this with your SO FIRST.

 

It is my belief that most poly couples work because of mutual respect, excellent communication skills and, perhaps above all, maturity.

 

Do you and your SO have those?

 

Now my MM.

 

That possessive pronoun is worrisome...

 

I know it's wrong. I want him, yes, but I also care about him deeply, and I don't want to hurt him. If he cheated on his wife I'm sure he would feel guilty and hurt from it.

 

Maybe. Maybe not.

But everyone else would - his family, your SO (more on him below), YOU...oh yes, you. Look at the thoughts careening through your conscious now...is it a good place?

 

And, ime, these workplaces A's are never as well hidden as the participants want to believe. You know how the rumor mill goes - it takes precious little to get the gossip train rolling. One longing look, or sly, knowing smile...and, yup, you both become the talk of the break room.

 

I want to come clean and ask my partner for permission, but doing that would be admitting to him that I would even consider being the OW. So I'm stuck also feeling like i'm being deceitful.

 

By far, the best most responsible thing to do is to lay out ground rules for you and your SO with love interests outside of the primary relationship. And yes, this means being open and honest - and it also means respecting the wishes of the other. Lies, omission and deceit have NO place in a healthy R.

 

I know only harm can come from this.

 

Yet you persist?

 

I don't want him to cheat on his wife.

 

Then stop.

 

I don't want him to leave his wife either.

 

This gave me a bit of a chuckle...keep reading these forums and I think you'll find its rare for the OW to post about how she DOESN'T want the MM to leave his W - and is having trouble convincing him to stay.

But my desire for him is all consuming.

 

And when something is all consuming...in the end you are left with nothing.

There are many here who can testify to that.

 

I feel like I am no longer in control of my emotions or actions. If I think about what I would do if an opportunity to be with him arose, I think I would follow my libido. I feel like a terrible person but mostly I just can't stop thinking about him, every time we see each other it ignites the flame even higher.

 

I get it. It IS an amazing feeling. The heady rush of new love (I'd say lust at this stage)...we ALL know it. WE have ALL felt it. And its the amazing wonderful joyous time - the first days of love.

 

But.

 

Its tempered for you. You have an SO. He has a W - maybe children. Reputations at stake. Something, somewhere in the recesses of your being - a voice is, somewhat urgently, saying "stop".

 

Listen to it.

 

I can't imagine a resolution to this problem.

 

I can.

Don't. And the BEST weapon you have - talk to your SO.

 

We haven't talked since our text exchange. Hopefully he is smart and deleted them so his wife won't see. I will probably see him next week at a work event. There will be opportunity there to talk further. My SO will be out of town that weekend as well, and I'm scared that I won't be strong enough to resist that opportunity as well.

 

Remember when I said all the joy you feel is tempered for you. I hope so, Its like 3 lines up - you can't be reading THAT slowly. This is to what I refer. Always that nagging, gnawing something serving to dull the "good".

 

It only gets worse.

 

So...in a nutshell...talk to your SO. Lay out ground rules for your secondary relationships. And leave the married one's alone. Those have WAY too much drama - heck, you've barely begun and your head is spinning.

[KaliLove]

Really? I mean..really? You would do this by choice? Even after reading all the awful stories here? Why do you want to intentionally hurt so many people, yourself included?

 

If it's all consuming, then get another job.

[PositivelyPink]

I do not know you but already I have judged you. See the reason I judge you is because your smart and have been trying to rationalize your behavior when you know it is wrong. He is wrong and so are you and I feel completely sorry for the wife. You are no one special so I hope you dont think that you are to this "guy". You my dear are probably one of many. You have no idea the impact and devastation your selfish desires will do to his family. Be better than him. Just go hump a door knob before you devastate this woman and possibly the kids and the whole family.

 

Before you say anything about her not keeping him happy and why he is straying, who cares why is straying. He can only stray with you if you spread em. Dont do it. He will probably find someone else, let her be the other woman and feel like crap because she part of the reason a family will be devastated and you can sleep better at night. Carry ON

[semicharmedlife]

Don't do it....because your gut instinct is right...no good will come from it...

[whichwayisup]

First time here, have enjoyed reading others posts and knowing that I'm not alone. Maybe I need advice, maybe I just want to vent.

 

I'm in a committed relationship (almost 3 years). We have not always been monogamous (mostly non when we were long distance), and having partners / experiences outside of our relationship has always been something we have talked about doing, although nothing we have practiced seriously.

 

Now my MM. He's a coworker. I have no qualms about that - I have dated coworkers before with no drama or hurt feeling involved, and continue to be in good terms with all. We have developed a strong attraction over the past year or so. It has until this year been fairly innocent and we have never crossed the line. Long story short we have been increasingly attracted to each other (physically and emotionally, I believe), to the point where we have talked openly about wanting more from each other. Most of these conversations have been while we are drinking. Last week we crossed further over the line. He had his hands on my thigh (covertly) throughout the evening. I fell into temptation and sent him a very sexual text later in the evening. He responded that we should find a time to get together.

 

I know it's wrong. I want him, yes, but I also care about him deeply, and I don't want to hurt him. If he cheated on his wife I'm sure he would feel guilty and hurt from it. I want to come clean and ask my partner for permission, but doing that would be admitting to him that I would even consider being the OW. So I'm stuck also feeling like i'm being deceitful.

 

I know only harm can come from this. I don't want him to cheat on his wife. I don't want him to leave his wife either. But my desire for him is all consuming. I feel like I am no longer in control of my emotions or actions. If I think about what I would do if an opportunity to be with him arose, I think I would follow my libido. I feel like a terrible person but mostly I just can't stop thinking about him, every time we see each other it ignites the flame even higher. I can't imagine a resolution to this problem.

 

We haven't talked since our text exchange. Hopefully he is smart and deleted them so his wife won't see. I will probably see him next week at a work event. There will be opportunity there to talk further. My SO will be out of town that weekend as well, and I'm scared that I won't be strong enough to resist that opportunity as well.

 

Thoughts, or just story sharing appreciated.

 

My 2 cents and sorry to be blunt but stop being selfish. If you really genuinally care about this co worker, his wife/marriage then you should stop flirting and sexting him. Just stop. And yes it is that simple, you've not invested much into him. This is LUST and sexual attraction, you can control what you do even if you can't control how you feel.

 

Don't be the OW, woo'ing this man to have sex with you when really all it'll be is hot sex. You are risking your own R for what? Focus all your energy into your relationship with your boyfriend. Chasing after a MM, especially one who is married is just asking for trouble, obvious reasons, as well as your own reputation. Knowing full well he's married (with kids possibly) you don't want to be the office gossip and be spoken about.

 

Since your SO is away this upcoming weekend, call a woman friend, or go spend time with your parents or siblings. Do not reach out and have sex / fool around the MM co worker.

[KaliLove]

Yeah..keep your legs closed this weekend. Unless you're a sociopath, you'll regret it.

[whichwayisup]

I'm in a committed relationship (almost 3 years). We have not always been monogamous (mostly non when we were long distance), and having partners / experiences outside of our relationship has always been something we have talked about doing, although nothing we have practiced seriously.

 

Please don't use this as a justification to do as you please. You say "we haven't been monogamous" meaning both of you, just you or just him? Seems too, since it's not long distance anymore, talking about an open R hasn't happened...It's talk only not action. So even if you talk about it with your SO and he gives you his blessing to go ahead and have sex with the MM at work, do you want to help this man cheat on his wife? Also, give this some thought, if your SO was sleeping with a married woman he works with, how would you feel?

[VeronicaRoss]

What you're doing is acting out the need to self-destruct. It's not about the sex or the guy, this is about you wanting to harm yourself, to give yourself a reason to hate yourself.

 

What the heck happened to you? Where is this coming from?

 

You need to get into a therapist asap and figure out why you are willing to strike a match and torch your home life and work. Clearly you do things in a big way, right?

 

This attraction is your version of crack or heroine. That's how exciting and glamorous it looks from here.

 

Please go get help. More than we can give you here.

[theloneranger]

What you're doing is acting out the need to self-destruct. It's not about the sex or the guy, this is about you wanting to harm yourself, to give yourself a reason to hate yourself.

 

What the heck happened to you? Where is this coming from?

 

You need to get into a therapist asap and figure out why you are willing to strike a match and torch your home life and work. Clearly you do things in a big way, right?

 

This attraction is your version of crack or heroine. That's how exciting and glamorous it looks from here.

 

Please go get help. More than we can give you here.

VR you are so very sure about which you know so little. I wish I had your blind confidence, would probably make my decisions a lot easier. Seriously? "What the heck happened to me?" I'm human, that's what happened.

[theloneranger]

Please don't use this as a justification to do as you please. You say "we haven't been monogamous" meaning both of you, just you or just him? Seems too, since it's not long distance anymore, talking about an open R hasn't happened...It's talk only not action. So even if you talk about it with your SO and he gives you his blessing to go ahead and have sex with the MM at work, do you want to help this man cheat on his wife? Also, give this some thought, if your SO was sleeping with a married woman he works with, how would you feel?

You're right. Maybe that's part of the reason why I'm feeling so confused... If this were a single person (how I wish), it would be the perfect opportunity for me to talk to my partner and get the go ahead to try this with his permission. But it's not situation I envisioned when we spoke about non-monogamy. So I'm being chicken **** about bringing it up.

[theloneranger]

My 2 cents and sorry to be blunt but stop being selfish. If you really genuinally care about this co worker, his wife/marriage then you should stop flirting and sexting him. Just stop. And yes it is that simple, you've not invested much into him. This is LUST and sexual attraction, you can control what you do even if you can't control how you feel.

 

Don't be the OW, woo'ing this man to have sex with you when really all it'll be is hot sex. You are risking your own R for what? Focus all your energy into your relationship with your boyfriend. Chasing after a MM, especially one who is married is just asking for trouble, obvious reasons, as well as your own reputation. Knowing full well he's married (with kids possibly) you don't want to be the office gossip and be spoken about.

 

Since your SO is away this upcoming weekend, call a woman friend, or go spend time with your parents or siblings. Do not reach out and have sex / fool around the MM co worker.

Yah, you're right. I'm being completely selfish.

[theloneranger]

Everything I have been thinking myself. Thanks for your thoughts.

[veritas lux mea]

The regret you will feel for this "missed oppurtunity" will no where be near the regret you will feel if you take it. Trust me I know. You will most likely pay to play and you will wish you could go back and smack yourself upside the head. Chemistry is not worth the damage this will cause to you, your SO, your MM or his BW.

 

Send him a letter telling him sex isn't worth lowering your moral compass. And it isn't worth him destroying his wife. And then tell him you need to go no contact. Get a new job if you have to. Do what it takes to fet out of this unscathed. Think woth your head not your lady bits.

 

You can be strong. I hope you choose to be. I wasn't and though it took a while for me to acknowledge it, I really f'd myself up.

[KaliLove]

LoneRanger..you haven't said what you're going to do..which makes me think that you still intend on trying to sleep with this married man. Is that still your plan?

[AjisenHi]

Not bashing here just curious but since you and your SO seem open to having other partners, perhaps you might want to consider asking whether the other couple would be open to it too.

 

Ask the Married coworker to ask his wife, then you won't become the OW but an OSO (other SO). It would be respectful, honest and adult.

[theloneranger]

LoneRanger..you haven't said what you're going to do..which makes me think that you still intend on trying to sleep with this married man. Is that still your plan?

No, I have no plans. I've just had the thoughts, which are distressing enough on their own.

[theloneranger]

Not bashing here just curious but since you and your SO seem open to having other partners, perhaps you might want to consider asking whether the other couple would be open to it too.

 

Ask the Married coworker to ask his wife, then you won't become the OW but an OSO (other SO). It would be respectful, honest and adult.

Yes, this is exactly what I need to do.

It's kind of the plan I've been formulating. I want to tell him we're BOTH ****ing up, both need to cool it, and if his wife is ever OK with it (or hell maybe they're swingers for all I know... although I HIGHLY doubt it), we can talk.

We are both intelligent, thoughtful individuals and I know we can be mature about it. Unless we start thinking with our nether regions. So easy to fall into that trap...

[blue963]

I agree with everyone here that says don't do it and you will regret it. I would also like to ask a question. How do you feel about your SO? Is he a good person and how is your relationship? Why not try going out for drinks with him, sexting him? Im sure it would really put a new spin on your relationship.

[blue963]

It the thoughts about doing this are distressing, once you actually follow thru you will unleash and who new load of distressing thoughts and feelings.

[herself]

Pleading with you, please dont do this to yourself.

Turn around now. Just turn around. Hell is an understatement.