carhill Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 IMO, given your age, years married, and the description provided, a divorce would likely be healthier for both of you. As someone who's dated a variety of cultures, was married, did have an affair and did divorce, my one bit of advice is that women are women everywhere. Curvy white ones are no different from slender Asian ones. The common denominator is the man, you. IOW, steal from thinking that a marriage to a curvy white woman will be somehow miraculously different just because of her shape and culture. Take some time and work on yourself. Marriage is a partnership. Learn from this one. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Iguanna Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 I think I understand where the OP is coming from. He wants to know if he should sacrifice his sexual needs and need for his own child one day for the security of a good woman with who he has a great friendly connection. He is asking "should I live without sex and own kid or without a lady who will always be there for me and honor me and take care of me?" Cause in his mind (and I don't blame him) it's too hard to find both in one: the great spouse who will also be a great lover, friend, partner, parent, everything. I don't blame him. This forum is full with stories of half satisfied people; good lovers but ****ty boy/girlfriends, good friends but ****ty lovers, good parents but ****ty spouses, the list goes on and on. The OP wants to know what he should sacrifice in order to be the happiest he can be. In my opinion and seeing how you deal with things I think you will be unhappy no matter what cause you haven't yet figured out inside you what will make you happy. People settle and compromise with half-satisfying marriages cause the satisfying part of these marriages is satisfying enough for them. For example a woman who is more interested in her kid having a good father may look the other way if her husband is not that perfect with her. And so on. I don't know if there is the perfect woman for you out there. The most possible is that there is not. You will have to search in yourself and find what is most important for your happiness and go from there. If you think you can fix the sexual problem with your wife and you can maybe adopt a kid, then you have a solution to stay with your wife. If you can live with the possibility never finding a woman with such a great connection as the one you have with your wife, then you can search for a woman with who you are sexually more compatible. Only when you figure out what YOU want will you be able to make life decisions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 Oh, I know where he's coming from. I just think of where he should be going to. Link to post Share on other sites
seekingpeaceinlove Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 Hookers. That word was enough to tell me that you shouldn't be married. Your wife deserves better and you should be free to go have sex with as many "white, curvy" females as you need. BTW: Looks fade over time and libido goes up and down. Are you going to jump ship every time something is not "perfect" in your relationship? Me thinks you have a ton of self-reflecting to do... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author steve1976 Posted March 21, 2014 Author Share Posted March 21, 2014 Dear Iguanna, Thank you very much. I greatly appreciate your comment. It just is the perfect answer that I needed to receive. Thank you so much for reading the long thread of mine and comments following that to give me the best advise that I could ever receive. You're not imperative, disrespectful, one-sided or shallow. Your insight is very precise, deep yet broad. You're 100% right. All of your words came into me so smoothly .. Now it's my duty to face and solve the problem myself. Either way, I'll probably regret whichever path I choose to take from here, in the future, but it won't or mustn't get me down as much because I'm the one who should be responsible for the actions that I've been and will be taking. It'll be my lesson to be learned. Thank you so much Iguanna, you're a genius. Thanks to all the other people who spent their precious time with my thread as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author steve1976 Posted March 21, 2014 Author Share Posted March 21, 2014 Dear Iguanna, One last note: Could you please teach me how I would be able to find out or figure out what makes me happy? (I know I stupid and immature by asking you this, but I got nothing to lose I think I should do hell of a thinking and self reflecting (like others suggested), but I wondered if the smart person like you would know some other methods. I'm afraid I've been avoiding to face all those issues. Please advise one last time. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Iguanna Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 You are very welcome. I wish you good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author steve1976 Posted March 21, 2014 Author Share Posted March 21, 2014 And I'd like to thank those who mentioned that a girl of my type might not even keep me faithful in the future. I think you're absolutely right and thank you for having said that. It opened my eye. I think, after a while, I started to put a blame on the resurfacing of my sexual preference, and I was wrong about that. It's a shame that I didn't even notice about that for being blind. I really need to start and keep asking myself what makes me happy and how I should act to get to where I want to. Thank you, again, for those who understood my pain, as well as my wife's. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 Another option, since your wife doesn't care for sex anyway, is to just approach her about having an open marriage. You can have sex with other women all you want, she can go have sex with other guys if she wants to, and you both can still enjoy the friendship/companionship you have with each other. As far as children, have you seen a specialist? Has your wife had all the tests? Have you been given any options? No matter what you decide though, the cheating needs to stop. That is not fair to her to pretend to be 100% invested in the marriage when you aren't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Iguanna Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Dear Iguanna, One last note: Could you please teach me how I would be able to find out or figure out what makes me happy? (I know I stupid and immature by asking you this, but I got nothing to lose I think I should do hell of a thinking and self reflecting (like others suggested), but I wondered if the smart person like you would know some other methods. I'm afraid I've been avoiding to face all those issues. Please advise one last time. Thank you. I'm sorry, I had missed that, I just read it. I think that the best way to figure out what makes you happy is to walk away from everything and see what you miss more. It's another way of the phrase "If you love someone let them go, if they come back, they're yours, if not, they never were". Take some distance from your wife and from your mistress, dedicate some time to yourself, do some things that you enjoy and concentrate on figuring out what you miss most. But to be totally honest, whichever of the two you choose (your wife or another woman), you will always wonder what would have happened of you had chosen the other option. It's the human's nature to do this. We are never satisfied, we are always looking for something better - thus the progress we have had as human beings. I'm sure you'll find a way to figure this out. You seem like a logical person. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author steve1976 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Share Posted March 24, 2014 Another option, since your wife doesn't care for sex anyway, is to just approach her about having an open marriage. You can have sex with other women all you want, she can go have sex with other guys if she wants to, and you both can still enjoy the friendship/companionship you have with each other. As far as children, have you seen a specialist? Has your wife had all the tests? Have you been given any options? No matter what you decide though, the cheating needs to stop. That is not fair to her to pretend to be 100% invested in the marriage when you aren't. Thank you very much for your comment. Open marriage might work if both of us didn't care to raise a child. It probably won't in our case, but thank you for considering that. No, we haven't seen a specialist nor had the tests done. If we were to get back together, that'd be the the first thing to do. You're right about the cheating needing to stop. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steve1976 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Share Posted March 24, 2014 Dear Iguanna, Thank you very much for your reply. Means a lot. Your words, again, make perfect sense. Distancing probably is the best way for a change. I'll try that and go from there. And you're right. I'll be wondering could'ves and should'ves later, no matter what, either way, but that's something that I can't avoid, I'm afraid. Thank you so much again! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 Open marriage might work if both of us didn't care to raise a child. Why does this matter? You can keep any sexual partners separate from your marriage. If you believe open marriage wouldn't work with a child due to ethical reasons, how is this different than seeing prostitutes behind your wife's back? Can't get less ethical than that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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