Titania22 Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Hey Guys, Just a little vent. Met a guy a couple of weeks back at my volunteering. We got along really well, and we are both single. He is a 25yr old gamer who is getting into bodybuilding, and lots pretty damn good to me. Based on my past experiences with men I knew there wasn't much hope, but despite this I found myself getting more attracted to him. I don't think it helps that I haven't had sex this year. Didn't say anything last week, but then felt really bad (like I was excepting defeat without even trying), so today I decided to say something (better to get it out of the way). I waited until he was leaving and excused myself, so I could ask him. I asked him if he was interested in older women (it was the most benign thing I could think of). He told me that he was no good in a relationship. He gets crazy and no one wants to be with someone like that. So maybe I dodged a bullet, but I feel so horny and frustrated. Why is it too much to ask, to meet a guy who could care about be, and who also wants to have sex with me, and who I can also be attracted to and care about. If I could cut my libido out of my body and burn it I would, because I can't even imagine a man who would choose me over the multitude of other options that exist these days. And it is exactly the same as looking for a job, because everyone thinks I am great, but no one is willing to be the one who chooses me, whether for a job or for a girlfriend.
fortyninethousand322 Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Hey Guys, Just a little vent. Met a guy a couple of weeks back at my volunteering. We got along really well, and we are both single. He is a 25yr old gamer who is getting into bodybuilding, and lots pretty damn good to me. Based on my past experiences with men I knew there wasn't much hope, but despite this I found myself getting more attracted to him. I don't think it helps that I haven't had sex this year. Didn't say anything last week, but then felt really bad (like I was excepting defeat without even trying), so today I decided to say something (better to get it out of the way). I waited until he was leaving and excused myself, so I could ask him. I asked him if he was interested in older women (it was the most benign thing I could think of). He told me that he was no good in a relationship. He gets crazy and no one wants to be with someone like that. So maybe I dodged a bullet, but I feel so horny and frustrated. Why is it too much to ask, to meet a guy who could care about be, and who also wants to have sex with me, and who I can also be attracted to and care about. If I could cut my libido out of my body and burn it I would, because I can't even imagine a man who would choose me over the multitude of other options that exist these days. And it is exactly the same as looking for a job, because everyone thinks I am great, but no one is willing to be the one who chooses me, whether for a job or for a girlfriend. That's exactly how I feel. Except I'm a guy. And I'm reasonably young.
Author Titania22 Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 That's exactly how I feel. Except I'm a guy. And I'm reasonably young. Yeah I know I am not alone in these types of feelings, especially among men. I just get so frustrated sometimes, and casual sex doesn't do it for me, yet total abstinence is making me crazy.
gaius Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Ask him to play starcraft next time instead. Asking him if he likes older women right off the bat is straight out of a porno. Guys don't like that much aggression in reality. I feel you that you're in need though.
Author Titania22 Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 Ask him to play starcraft next time instead. Asking him if he likes older women right off the bat is straight out of a porno. Guys don't like that much aggression in reality. I feel you that you're in need though. He plays dota2. We had been chatting alot the past couple of weeks. We seemed to have a really good report. Where I have a problem is, ok asking if he likes older women was too full on, saying nothing gets me nowhere. I have no idea what is appropriate. So I get extra frustrated, because I don't know that best course of action. I thought about this all weekend, and just felt bad. I feel like I am damned if I say anything and damned if I don't. I wish someone someone would give me a step by step, with every specific action I should take and a time line for the actions, because I don't know how to get any guy anymore.
gaius Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 He plays dota2. We had been chatting alot the past couple of weeks. We seemed to have a really good report. Where I have a problem is, ok asking if he likes older women was too full on, saying nothing gets me nowhere. I have no idea what is appropriate. So I get extra frustrated, because I don't know that best course of action. I thought about this all weekend, and just felt bad. I feel like I am damned if I say anything and damned if I don't. I wish someone someone would give me a step by step, with every specific action I should take and a time line for the actions, because I don't know how to get any guy anymore. It's hard to boil down into one simple instructional handbook. Have you spent any time talking about his muscles? Stroking his ego a bit wouldn't hurt.
topaMAXX Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 OP, if it makes you feels better, I'm around his age and I'm chasing someone older than me (though she is extraordinary good looking for a woman of any age....one of the best looking women I've ever seen in person). So there is hope for you to get a young guy like me! Why don't you just hook up with a cougar chaser at a bar? Those guys can be good looking for sure.
Author Titania22 Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 OP, if it makes you feels better, I'm around his age and I'm chasing someone older than me (though she is extraordinary good looking for a woman of any age....one of the best looking women I've ever seen in person). So there is hope for you to get a young guy like me! Why don't you just hook up with a cougar chaser at a bar? Those guys can be good looking for sure. Because it feels crap hooking up with guys I know don't care about me. 1
AntiSocal Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Lol. Bodybuilder/gamer? Not even once. You dodged a huge bullet. Bodybuilders are the male version of valley hoes. Completely insecure, completely plastic, completely annoying. And maybe you should look into a FWBs type situation. It doesn't have to be all sex and no communication. You can become good friends withs someone, have an actual relationship, just at the end of the day when you guys part ways you're both single. Its more fun if you ask me. When you get tired of him you can get a new guy without having to go through all the heartbreak
Author Titania22 Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 Lol. Bodybuilder/gamer? Not even once. You dodged a huge bullet. Bodybuilders are the male version of valley hoes. Completely insecure, completely plastic, completely annoying. And maybe you should look into a FWBs type situation. It doesn't have to be all sex and no communication. You can become good friends withs someone, have an actual relationship, just at the end of the day when you guys part ways you're both single. Its more fun if you ask me. When you get tired of him you can get a new guy without having to go through all the heartbreak A few years back I was open to trying to find such a situation. I never found it, I found guys who would pretend that's what they wanted, when they just wanted a ONS. It was even more upsetting to me, because it felt like these guys thought so little of me, that they wouldn't even pretend they would want a relationship with me. At this point a FWB would again just reinforce the idea that no guy thinks I am good enough for a relationship. It's like my volunteer work. Sure I am appreciated for all the work I do, but not enough that someone is willing to pay me a wage.
soccerrprp Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Titania, Do you come across as too passive, demure? People may see that as a great opp to take advantage of you. My gf was like that when younger and became, unfortunately, more assertive and "mean" to get people to take her seriously. She can be abrasive at times, but doesn't like it when it happens. I'm certain you own a vibrator. Use it, but you're right, don't go for FWB or ONS as it will only reinforce the impression that you are not deserving of a relationship. Keep strong.
AntiSocal Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 A few years back I was open to trying to find such a situation. I never found it, I found guys who would pretend that's what they wanted, when they just wanted a ONS. It was even more upsetting to me, because it felt like these guys thought so little of me, that they wouldn't even pretend they would want a relationship with me. At this point a FWB would again just reinforce the idea that no guy thinks I am good enough for a relationship. It's like my volunteer work. Sure I am appreciated for all the work I do, but not enough that someone is willing to pay me a wage. Find guys who you get along well with and you won't have that problem. Also maybe you should lower your standards a bit. If every dude your having sex with only calls one time? Probably means they are ashamed to be seen with you/of sleeping with you. Gotta find a guy who actually likes you.
Author Titania22 Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 Titania, Do you come across as too passive, demure? People may see that as a great opp to take advantage of you. My gf was like that when younger and became, unfortunately, more assertive and "mean" to get people to take her seriously. She can be abrasive at times, but doesn't like it when it happens. I'm certain you own a vibrator. Use it, but you're right, don't go for FWB or ONS as it will only reinforce the impression that you are not deserving of a relationship. Keep strong. No I don't come across too passive. I come on too strong. As I said in my OP in this case I said "are you was interested in older women?" And gauis said straight away," Asking him if he likes older women right off the bat is straight out of a porno. Guys don't like that much aggression in reality." That was me brainstorming a way to tone it down. That was my attempt to find a middle ground. Also I am super friendly all the time, I make friends with everyone, so if any guy was looking at my behaviour and asking themselves if I am interested, they would probably think, "oh no she is like that with everyone". (That's an assumption obviously, but one that makes me think that if I want a guy to know he is the one i am interested, I have to go a little further.) And yes soccerrprp I intend to stay strong as well as I can. And most of the time I am pretty good about it. But sometimes like with this guy, I just get triggered. It's not just about sex, it can be as simple as a desire to be kissed, or just touch the bare skin of a man, just some sort of physical contact. In a postsecret this week, a women chooses the pat down at the airport just so she can be touched, and I wonder how long until that's me.
Author Titania22 Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 Find guys who you get along well with and you won't have that problem. Also maybe you should lower your standards a bit. If every dude your having sex with only calls one time? Probably means they are ashamed to be seen with you/of sleeping with you. Gotta find a guy who actually likes you. No kidding, that's what I want to find. I am queen of the friendzone. All my friends at this stage are male actually. And they all live overseas (north america), except one that lives in Canberra.
Author Titania22 Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 No kidding, that's what I want to find. I am queen of the friendzone. All my friends at this stage are male actually. And they all live overseas (north america), except one that lives in Canberra. And to be clear I don't mind the friendzone in general. Because a guy seeing me as a friend means he likes me as a person, whilst a guy wanting to have sex with me just means I was a convenient hole. I'll take the friendzone every day of the week, but I don't understand if so many guys like me so well as a person, why there isn't at least one guy out there who wouldn't be willing to pursue something more than just friends. I get it, I am older and I live far away, but that shouldn't cut out every guy, because there are guys that have LDR's and there are guys who are attracted to older women.
Author Titania22 Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 stopped reading when you said bodybuilder. girls are so obsessed with strong guys, that regular guys get left out. how about go for that? I didn't go for him because he is getting ready to get into bodybuilding, I was interested because he was right in front of me.
Leigh 87 Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I think you had some balls. I would never approach a guy unless he made the first move, so really, you are "different" to most other women. You should spin this in your favour rather than perhaps come off as too forward. Perhaps next time, ask for a platonic, low scale coffee or even a gaming session outside of the volunteer work. That way, you can see if he is interested in becoming friends, and then after time if a guy is into you, he will make it known and ask you out in most cases! I think it is only a good thing that you are not afraid to make a move, but in my opinion, it is better to make that move as soon as the guy has shown genuine interest, which can still be tricky to gauge. Was he making it obvious that he was into you as more than a friendly face that he enjoyed conversing with? Or did you take a leap of faith without feeling that you had any real evidence of him being interested?
Els Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Is there a reason you are excluding guys closer to your age, Titania? Or do you just not meet many of them in your hobbies/social circles?
kaylan Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 (edited) Lol. Bodybuilder/gamer? Not even once. You dodged a huge bullet. Bodybuilders are the male version of valley hoes. Completely insecure, completely plastic, completely annoying. Haters gonna hate. Guess what, I consider myself somewhat of a bodybuilder. I follow a strict workout routine which has me in the gym 4 or 5 days a week. I also enjoy FPS and Action video games. And I also am a musician, business graduate, and fancy myself an intellectual. Ive got a slew of diverse interests that I havent mentioned as well, so Im hardly plastic. Its funny the hate that people receive for daring to care about their health and appearance. The hardcore fitness crowd is a diverse bunch.stopped reading when you said bodybuilder. girls are so obsessed with strong guys, that regular guys get left out. how about go for that? I lift, and trust me, while I have an OK dating life, girls arent beating down my door. And Ive been told too many times I have a nice body. Edited March 18, 2014 by kaylan
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Haters gonna hate. Guess what, I consider myself somewhat of a bodybuilder. I follow a strict workout routine which has me in the gym 4 or 5 days a week. I also enjoy FPS and Action video games. And I also am a musician, business graduate, and fancy myself an intellectual. Ive got a slew of diverse interests that I havent mentioned as well, so Im hardly plastic. Its funny the hate that people receive for daring to care about their health and appearance. The hardcore fitness crowd is a diverse bunch. I lift, and trust me, while I have an OK dating life, girls arent beating down my door. And Ive been told too many times I have a nice body. Your body is too good so I would never go for you. Just can't deal with the competition Titania, I have my moments where I feel like you describe. It seems to ebb and flow. There are long stretches of time where nothing seems to be going right and then something completely unpredictable happens.
kaylan Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I would give up cardio, take up competitive eating, and pack on a few pounds just for you ES How bout you visit NY sometime. Way better than Paris (because Im here ) 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I would give up cardio, take up competitive eating, and pack on a few pounds just for you ES How bout you visit NY sometime. Way better than Paris (because Im here ) You would have to start eating ice cream, pizzas and don't set a foot in the gym for a year As it happens I will be in NY in a few months. I need someone to show me around 1
Leigh 87 Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 You would have to start eating ice cream, pizzas and don't set a foot in the gym for a year As it happens I will be in NY in a few months. I need someone to show me around I am so jealous. Paris and NYE are places on my to do list that I missed out on when I visited both continents You are SO lucky to live in Paris. Maybe the OP is not having much luck here and should consider moving? She is doing a college degree last time I checked, and could possible think of moving after it's completed? Just a thought. I know people who simply do better in dating in other countries. One guy I know of moved to Canada, as he is bi lingual and lives in Montreal right now. He has better much dating over than compared to in Australia where the market is entirely different. He is a good looking guy. The fact you are foreign and have taken an interest in visiting/living in another country including learning the language is a huge turn on to some people who seek out interesting/adventurous people. I have attracted a lot of men I otherwise wouldn't have simply because they liked the fact that I loved to travel a lot (and weren't even concerned with the fact I had spent my 20's travelling rather than studying at college). I could be entirely wrong. Moving countries actually works for some people!
gaius Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Even though the thread got semi-hijacked I think ES provided a pretty good example of effective flirting from a woman. You generally let the guy babble on about himself and then comment on it in an ego stroking way. Like if he's talking about bodybuilding it opens up a door to talk about how his body looks. But you can't just respond to what he says tit for tat, providing some kind of unique material of your own in response is good. It's gotta be a bit of a dance where you're moving too. If that makes any sense. My last girlfriend let me babble on quite a bit, validated me occasionally and I loved it. 3
Author Titania22 Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 I think you had some balls. I would never approach a guy unless he made the first move, so really, you are "different" to most other women. You should spin this in your favour rather than perhaps come off as too forward. Perhaps next time, ask for a platonic, low scale coffee or even a gaming session outside of the volunteer work. That way, you can see if he is interested in becoming friends, and then after time if a guy is into you, he will make it known and ask you out in most cases! I think it is only a good thing that you are not afraid to make a move, but in my opinion, it is better to make that move as soon as the guy has shown genuine interest, which can still be tricky to gauge. Was he making it obvious that he was into you as more than a friendly face that he enjoyed conversing with? Or did you take a leap of faith without feeling that you had any real evidence of him being interested? Thanks Leigh. That's great and specific advice. And actually before this guy it was my rule to assume only friendship until a guy make his interest known, and I did stick to that rule for over a year, until this latest incident. I was just so attracted to him, I couldn't have acted like a friend. So I was kind of compelled to say something or go insane. He was just friendly, there was nothing definitive from him, which makes sense considering he wasn't interested. Is there a reason you are excluding guys closer to your age, Titania? Or do you just not meet many of them in your hobbies/social circles? I don't meet guys closer to my own age, and I don't share interests with them. I am however becoming more political now, so I guess I could share that with someone my own age. There is one guy my own age at volunteering but he is a married man. Titania, I have my moments where I feel like you describe. It seems to ebb and flow. There are long stretches of time where nothing seems to be going right and then something completely unpredictable happens. Yeah, meeting this guy was the unpredictable factor. Stuff like that throws me off kilter. At least by saying something I have given myself what I need to let it go.
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