Strength in Healing Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 So long story short: We were together four yearsHer son from a previous relationship saw me as his dad, I'm all he ever knew. He called me dad.It was a tough relationship at times, she had borderline PD and bipolar, plus past traumas that incited anger.. so she would start fights, and I would fight back hard at the end.She dropped on me one day that she lost the attraction, then she started "talking" to a creepy co-worker who was also trying to be friends with me. He is in his 30s (way older than her) and he has 2 felony DUI's. Dude isn't even attractive in any way.When I found out she was at his house, I confronted her, told her I will remember her as nothing but a pathological liar, then I left. I cut her off, and didn't break NC for over a month.Then I sent her a letter once the anger had faded towards her. The letter was short, it was simple -- it said I missed Xavier (her son) and I missed her just as much. I told her some days it was very hard to accept. Which sucked (didn't say that part). I told her I have adjusted, but at the same time, haven't. Which is true...I listed two memories that stuck with me, and told her I don't watch our shows anymore. I'm not sure why I wrote that part.At the end, I wrote that I don't know what I hope comes from this letter, only that I have no expectations. She just texted me tonight while I was at the academy, and said she wasn't sure she would respond because she didn't know how to. She said she is glad I am going to Church every weekend and that God will bless me. And she said she gave up temporary custody of Xavier to her grandma so he can go to school in that district (bunch of bs reasoning to be honest). And she said she hopes I'm well, she was at work right now and that's why the text wasn't that long. I don't know how to proceed. I haven't responded. I'm tempted to say let's meet up and talk... I know I could get her to. But something stops me from saying that. So I haven't replied..
sooshi Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Can you just not respond? It does sound like it was a very tumultuous relationship indeed. I know it's hard to not be there for a child who considers you his father. Is that why you still want to be in her life (for her son mostly, not to be with this woman)?
Author Strength in Healing Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 Can you just not respond? It does sound like it was a very tumultuous relationship indeed. I know it's hard to not be there for a child who considers you his father. Is that why you still want to be in her life (for her son mostly, not to be with this woman)? Good question. Throughout the relationship, my ego and pride stood in the way with him. I kept him at a distance as a result... even though his real dad never even tried, I still kept him at a distance because of my own ego. He annoyed me a lot of times, a lot of times, and I really kept him at a distance. But I knew in my heart I cared a LOT. If someone messed with him, I would have ripped them apart. It sucked to feel such a degree of cognitive dissonance. Not to mention I knew in my heart if we ever broke up, everything would change, and I would miss him dearly. Sucked when it became a reality. But see, I loved Ashley to death. I hated a part of her, but I trusted her more than anything. I could never envision my life without her, and I could never imagine her without me... Is it easy to ignore her, hell no. Do I want her back? I mean, a huge part does, but the other side says can you ever trust her again? I hate it, I wish this just never happened... I wish we got counseling and worked it out...
Sandy99 Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I would respond. If you want to create a "friendship" with her, then tell her you are letting the past go and you don't have anger towards her anymore. Accept the break up and admit where you were wrong. If you want to create conflict tell her all that has upset you about the break up and what you are still angry about. There are two ways to respond, one will open the door to the possibility of friendship or something along those lines, the other will shut the door pretty quickly. One thing I have learned also is don't try to hash out the past over email or text. They can be misunderstood very, very easily. So try to keep your response brief. It's better to ask for a face to face meeting (only if you are up to it) than to try to work things out over email. If she says no, then there's not much you can do. But don't try to say too much in writing because, like I said, this can easily be misinterpreted.
Author Strength in Healing Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 The problem is I don't want to be friends... it would be all or nothing. I would want to be her with her if anything. Should I reply?
KaliLove Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 No. She didn't say she missed you too. She didn't say anything that warrants a response. Just ignore and keep healing.
somegoodman Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 If she really is a BPD, then the only way you can ever be happy is to never see or talk to her again. These women are vampires and they can't be destroyed by sunlight or garlic, only the complete withdrawal of attention.
Sandy99 Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 It's hard because it's true that if she isn't writing you saying she wants to be with you again, then friends is all there can really be right now. You wrote her, so wouldn't it be weird to not even write her back with thanks? I think you do get to a point where you've let the relationship go, the past one, and you start thinking you might be able to have the person in your life as "friends" or whatever. Maybe something may even grow out of that in the future. You're obviously not at that place yet. When you get to that place if they say they are dating somebody, you don't think this is the worst thing in the world. You just sort of accept this as life's realities. If you aren't there yet, either respond and say thank you..or something simple along those lines or don't respond at all. If all you're still thinking about is getting back together with her, then you'll probably have to wait for her to make a move in that direction.
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