Author rae_lana Posted March 18, 2014 Author Share Posted March 18, 2014 I have straight out told her I pursued him as much as him me, she says that's what he meant for me to think. That he set it up that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 (edited) rae_lana, some way can you get through to her whereas you thought you were her friend, you now realize you messed up big time and were not her friend? That a true friend wouldn't have gotten involved with her husband? Can you admit to her that there are things about yourself you need to figure out? And suggest there may be things about her own self she may need to figure out possibly in counseling? It seems to me all of you would benefit from IC but imho she may be the neediest of help of the four of you. Your ex friend seems to be heavily denying reality. I encourage you to try to convince her to get into IC and to suggest to her gently not to call you anymore. Then don't answer if she does call. You've got to find a way to cut her out of your life. (And, yes, I'd wondered, also, if she believes herself to be in love with you. Bet a few others have thought the same.) Edited March 18, 2014 by Speakingofwhich Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 I have straight out told her I pursued him as much as him me, she says that's what he meant for me to think. That he set it up that way. I'd bet this is common, though, for BS's. My WW said the same thing,and swore up and down that she pursued him as much as he pursued her. She defended him. Given what I knew, I didn't completely buy it. I didn't think she was less responsible for the A or in some way a victim. But as we talked it out over time, there was definitely light shed on how manipulative he was. I wouldn't assume that just because your friend is hysterical that there isn't some truth to what she's feeling about the man she married and lived with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 Sometimes people here hit the nail on the head. Her husband is convinced it's both of these reasons. What you and her husband did to her was traumatizing..but what's done is done and she needs to sort herself out and move on. Perhaps her husband should offer to pay for counseling for her. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 Have you flat out told her in most straightforward terms possible that you fully intend to have a relationship with her husband? Have you flat out told her that you are still seeing him? Have you flat out told her that you are absolutely choosing having a intimate relationship with him over having a friendship with her? Have you flat out told her that for your OWN sake you can't be her friend anymore? Can you stop taking her calls and block her on social media? Rip off the feakin bandage already. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted March 18, 2014 Author Share Posted March 18, 2014 Have you flat out told her in most straightforward terms possible that you fully intend to have a relationship with her husband? Have you flat out told her that you are still seeing him? Have you flat out told her that you are absolutely choosing having a intimate relationship with him over having a friendship with her? Have you flat out told her that for your OWN sake you can't be her friend anymore? Can you stop taking her calls and block her on social media? Rip off the feakin bandage already. Yes, both of them were told that we intend to wait until the divorces are final to be together publicly.. We had to tell them that because both thought we wanted to fix the marriages at first and she was convinced we could still be friends.. I really thought that feeling would be short lived but it's been 6 months. They know we see each other, everyone around here does. To outsiders I'm sure we still appear to be just friends.. We don't hold hands or kiss or anything like that in public.. Again I live in a small small town. My kids don't know him any differently than a friend still. But both his wife and my husband are well aware. I did have her blocked on social media but a couple months ago she asked that I unblock her and I really do feel horrible for what I've put her through so I did. I do not post about him .. At all.. On anything. I've also told her I can't be her friend but she insists I can with time. I really have no idea how to go about it other than being a total bitch or ignoring every message an call.. Which I already do to half and she will call him in hysterics saying he made me do it. She IS in counselling from what she's told me. Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 She sounds rather unhinged. Are you and her husband in counseling? If so, perhaps your therapist could give you some suggestions about how to handle this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 She does sound unhinged. It sounds as if you've done all you can do, besides getting the court system involved, at this point to discourage her contacting you. She is attached to you in an unusual way. I'm recalling that you felt very close to her, also, before D day. Are you missing her friendship at all? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted March 19, 2014 Author Share Posted March 19, 2014 She does sound unhinged. It sounds as if you've done all you can do, besides getting the court system involved, at this point to discourage her contacting you. She is attached to you in an unusual way. I'm recalling that you felt very close to her, also, before D day. Are you missing her friendship at all? I'm not going to do anything more to hurt her so obviously I'm just trying to slowly separate more and more from her and I guess I'll have to block her again but I know it's upsetting. It's messed up I absolutely miss her every single day. And she knows that she tells me so all the time and I could deny it but she'd know. I know we just need a clean break and I'm ready to do that and she's not. I get that it's weird but at the same time I get where she's coming from, we shared a lot and made plans to be friends for always and I chose him over her, she wants me to choose her. She has accepted it's over with him and did very shortly after everything happened. He says I just need to block her from contacting me. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 I'm not going to do anything more to hurt her so obviously I'm just trying to slowly separate more and more from her and I guess I'll have to block her again but I know it's upsetting. It's messed up I absolutely miss her every single day. And she knows that she tells me so all the time and I could deny it but she'd know. I know we just need a clean break and I'm ready to do that and she's not. I get that it's weird but at the same time I get where she's coming from, we shared a lot and made plans to be friends for always and I chose him over her, she wants me to choose her. She has accepted it's over with him and did very shortly after everything happened. He says I just need to block her from contacting me. Why block her? Why not just be honest? Ask her to please stop calling, apologize for hurting her but YOUR choice is not her, it's her husband. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 He says I just need to block her from contacting me. I think you need to figure out the issue with her separate from him, without his input. If that's even possible. The above sentence somewhat validates her feeling that he's the one influencing you. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 I'm not going to do anything more to hurt her so obviously I'm just trying to slowly separate more and more from her and I guess I'll have to block her again but I know it's upsetting. It's messed up I absolutely miss her every single day. And she knows that she tells me so all the time and I could deny it but she'd know. I know we just need a clean break and I'm ready to do that and she's not. I get that it's weird but at the same time I get where she's coming from, we shared a lot and made plans to be friends for always and I chose him over her, she wants me to choose her. She has accepted it's over with him and did very shortly after everything happened. He says I just need to block her from contacting me. You know a friendship can't happen so IMO trying to slowly separate is just muddying the water and unnecessarily dragging things out. Make a clean break and stick to it. There is nothing....nothing you can do at this point that will mitigate her pain. Link to post Share on other sites
sparky2946 Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 Im not sure where to really start. I stumbled across all this last night. I'm in a very similar situation. I'm looking for advice from someone who understands. Situations are not identical but VERY similar. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted May 6, 2014 Author Share Posted May 6, 2014 Im not sure where to really start. I stumbled across all this last night. I'm in a very similar situation. I'm looking for advice from someone who understands. Situations are not identical but VERY similar. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I don't know what advice I can offer but if you want to ask me anything go right ahead. For us, we feel like we found the person we were always supposed to find, and we both believe it must have been supposed to happen this way. But maybe we just tell ourselves that. We did cause people a lot of pain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 (edited) I don't know what advice I can offer but if you want to ask me anything go right ahead. For us, we feel like we found the person we were always supposed to find, and we both believe it must have been supposed to happen this way. But maybe we just tell ourselves that. We did cause people a lot of pain. I believe we all deserve to be happy. And it's good that you and everyone involved are now moving forward with your lives. I think you're recognition of the pain it's caused may contradict the idea that it was supposed to happen "this way", though. Unless you simply mean the two of you were supposed to be together, separate of how it happened. Edited May 6, 2014 by Sub Link to post Share on other sites
adna89 Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 I had an almost similar situation,this never ends well Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 I may be completely off here, but I would say it is best to carve her from your life. No matter what her intentions are, it's unhealthy and she is never going to be okay seeing you two together. She should move on. The BS in our situation has not moved on either, but things are slowly getting better. She is angry and will always be. The best thing we have done is not engage her. She's blocked from everything on my end, and she can only text or email my guy (simply to allow texts to go back and forth regarding sale of the marital home). She takes advantage while drinking and will send vile texts calling me every name in the book and him as well. He then blocks her for a few days. We have pushed her as far away as possible and she needs to move on. I wish she would and I hope yours does too. It's not good for either of you to have a relationship after such a betrayal, although this is just my opinion. Good luck!! Link to post Share on other sites
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