Men Vulnerability?

[FrostBlaze]

I keep making these topics ..hehe.

Well i spend a lot of time on these forums since i joined, i read a lot of interesting stories and points of view, i realise i am not "experienced" in most things so i go ahead and ask.

I really suck with emotions and general human behavior, been stuck in a cave ^^.

 

Men vulnerability...How exactly does that work?

I Read that people(women and men) find it a atractive trait...i'm like "what?".

Men who show vulnerability tend to get judged or considered pussies, so most people i know never open up...so how does this work exactly?XD

Depends on what you open up about...or how much vulnerability you actually show...

 

Curious what both women and men think about this and how they aproach to doing so.

[Adele0908]

Being vulnerable just means being yourself. Honest and authentic. Being comfortable with your feelings and not trying to hide them or numb them.

 

It's being REAL. And not to many people can tell you how to be real because many people are not real with themselves.

 

So when you start being vulnerable, know that you will be one of the few among many.

 

And of course, people will try to stomp on your vulnerability because they are too ashamed or embarrassed to reveal theirs.

[dichotomy]

Depends on what you open up about...or how much vulnerability you actually show...

 

Curious what both women and men think about this and how they aproach to doing so.

 

 

Yes it depends on what you open up about...fine line between showing some sensitivity or perhaps vulnerabilities to bad things......and opening up about insecurities or weakness or fears about yourself.

[salparadise]

Being vulnerable just means being yourself. Honest and authentic. Being comfortable with your feelings and not trying to hide them or numb them.

 

It's being REAL. And not to many people can tell you how to be real because many people are not real with themselves.

 

So when you start being vulnerable, know that you will be one of the few among many.

 

And of course, people will try to stomp on your vulnerability because they are too ashamed or embarrassed to reveal theirs.

 

All true. Vulnerability is part of being emotionally available. It's the willingness to drop the shield and reveal your inner soft core. We're all afraid of getting our heart broken, but you can't possibly love without taking that risk. So it's about acknowledging fear and being brave... the willingness to give someone the power to break your heart creates the possibility of giving and receiving love.

 

When you're dating you can't just lay it all out there instantly, but you can show the willingness to be vulnerable in smaller ways. One of them is being able to say how you feel knowing full well that some people will see that as weakness, while others will see it as strength... and find it attractive. The ones who see it as attractive are likely to be aware, mature, open and available themselves. For me, it's simply a waste of time to try and date a woman who is not cognizant of how this works, or who is herself in full protective mode, so I usually show it from outset and let the chips fall where they may.

 

The ones who are available themselves and interested in a fully functioning man will not shrink from it; the ones who are expecting to find a white knight that matches their illusion of perfection will stiffen up and look for the exit. It works better than Dumbledore's sorting hat.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Vulnerability is an essential element of being human.

We all project barriers and shields due to past hurt whereas babies and young children are generally very emotionally open because in the majority of cases, they believe they can trust the adults around them with their needs and wants.

Unfortunately, as others hurt, lie or cheat us, we become more emotionally guarded. We lose the vulnerability and openness that make us endearing and attractive to begin with.

A lack of emotional openness and the courage to be emotionally vulnerable is very unattractive to me.

I have been with a man in the past who was unable to be vulnerable. He numbed his emotions with alcohol and weed. He couldn't feel them or discuss them, and it killed my love for him because I couldn't connect with him or trust him with my own vulnerabilities.

[carhill]

Men vulnerability...How exactly does that work?

 

In my generation, in general, it works man-to-man, as men overcoming their fear of losing competitive advantage through trust and openness, generally built over long periods of time and repetitive experience. Man-to-woman, similar, but replace competitiveness with abandonment in the fear department. Once a man trusts his woman won't abandon him when he's vulnerable or feels vulnerable, trust, and love, overcome the fear and become 'open'.

 

One aspect marriage taught me was to refine the process of determining a woman's sincere interest and care, in addition to attraction, and to be more circumspect in that process and less immediately trusting of it. The old saying 'time reveals all truths' can apply.

 

IMO, the key is balance. Personal experience throughout life indicated to me that improper balance of/leaning to vulnerability versus stoicism, as well as improper 'timing', can be sure social and marital suicide for a man. With men, he is an impotent competitor and warrior; with women, as you so eloquently put it, a 'pussy'. That's life!

[Ninjainpajamas]

Vulnerability is a funny thing I've always seen men become insecure about, and then say that it leads to this and that kind of treatment.

 

I'm one of the toughest guys I've ever known and also at the same time the one of most, if not the most emotionally expressive guy I've known in my life. I've been through a whole lot in my life, and didn't end up like many people end up as a result of that, emotionally and psychologically, so I like to think I'm very resilient and I think I have the history to back that up.

 

I'd say I'm generally very good at hiding when something is wrong, or If I'm sensitive about something. I won't generally reach out or and try and "ask for help" kind of guy, I'll definitely try and tough it out until I can't bear it anymore, often times more than I probably ever should and if I do show any of that "weakness" it's with someone I really trust and knows me as not just that.

 

People have told me that it seems like nothing effects me, that It seems like I can handle anything and cope with it, when inside I might be having an extremely difficult time, when I'm going through something like that I generally give off a stoic demeanor, I'll deflect that emotion or emotion entirely. And I guess I just feel like i need to do that to keep it together, not for others but for my own needs. I never really worried about whether or not someone saw me as a man or what not, I just had my own principles of how I wanted to be and that's the man I tried to become based on my own desire and free will. I have really high expectations of what I desire out of myself, that's always been enough.

 

I guess to some extent I've worried about being seen as "weak", in a sense I'd never want to feel like I did as a child, kind of helpless and vulnerable...unable to control my life or make any decisions or choices for myself, just stuck in a situation where people that supposedly know better were "guiding" me towards the right truth of things, which later on I just found out they were simply "people" with faults and issues like everyone else...who'd have thought.

 

I think I'm showing you an example of how you can cross the lines of "vulnerability" or expression without being necessarily vulnerable or weak...I can say and express a lot of personal emotions and feelings about things, but I never feel vulnerable necessarily, why? because I'm confident and secure enough in myself that I'm not overly concerned about the judgment, opinions or especially criticisms of others so I exude a level of confidence with that I'm guessing, but I actually pride myself in being able to absorb criticism and improve myself, because I see it as an opportunity for growth.

 

I also know I'm tough as nails when I need to be, and I know how to be open and sensitive to the people that deserve it from me, and that's something I protect, because I respect myself and I exercise that by allowing myself to be expressive without feeling vulnerable. My comfort level is wide in what I can talk about and express in general, but there are some things I won't express to someone that I don't know or don't trust very much. I think that's part of understanding what is appropriate as well.

 

Mind you, a lot of this expression for me didn't necessarily come out right away. When I was a teen and early 20's I was a guy of few words, I was called "quiet", much different than what people might call me these days. I was pretty shy even as a kid, but never really put up with bullying or punks, I have scars on my head/face knuckles from fighting growing up but sometimes even now there are situations that make me feel very...small and timid. But I've overcome a lot of that with courage, and a lot of inner soul-searching and just sheer forcing myself to do it, there are so many things in my life where I was scared to do it or didn't want to and just wanted to turn back and run away, but I forced myself to do it...I felt like if I was running, I'd be running away forever.

 

I've also learned a lot of the tough guys were the biggest insecure pussies of all, a lot of people are intimidated by how a guy looks, his attitude or how he is built, how he's dressed or whether he's got tattoos or a tough look on his face, but when you're tough...you know it's heart that makes you tough, something inside of you makes you tough, not any of that BS. I've seen so many guys in sports or fighting myself that talked so big and crazy, over-confident in their attitude and facade they were putting out, only to then squeal away like a little mouse when it was time to actually be tough...it was an immediate 180 when push came to shove, so don't ever think for a moment that you can tell someone is tough by looking at them or especially how they handle themselves with women, a lot of them are only surface "strong" because nobody ever challenges them, inside they're scared of something. And a lot of these women just allow that, but they're only tough with women 90 percent of the time, not men.

 

As far as dating...just don't be an open book, in fact try and be a good learner, try to feel less self-conscious about how you're acting and just learn, don't beat yourself up for failing or doing something wrong, don't be overly critical, just try and figure things out as you go, that's the process itself. And if you don't push yourself because you're too worried about rejection or what some random strange woman is going to think about you because you think she looks pretty, just remember that she's just a person like you, with feelings and insecurities about things, and then just be yourself.

 

If you go around running from one end of the room to the other, trying to figure out how to balance this whole "attractiveness" thing, afraid to be vulnerable, then that's going to show. It's got to flow naturally and come without too much thinking in the moment, when you click with someone it works really easily, when you're trying to force a connection that's when it can really become draining.

 

If you're one of those people who constantly struggles or strikes out with women, then just try and improve yourself and and work on yourself and your "weaknesses", fears and insecurities so that you become a more confident person and always take chances and force yourself to do things that you might not be comfortable with doing to overcome that, learn from your interactions with women, take some chances and embarrass yourself if you have to from time to time, but don't take it too personal because these women don't know you personally, just the surface of what they see.

 

You need some indifference and confidence in yourself when meeting women, they don't want a guy who's clingy, desperate or an open book right out of the gate. You've got to have a balance between being invested but not overly invested, you can't be trying too hard and you can't care too little either, but that would be like me trying to tell you how to drive a stick-shift if you don't know how, it's something you've got to feel out for yourself.

Edited March 23, 2014 by Ninjainpajamas