doublea Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Hi - thank you for reading and your advice - I appreciate the time. I have been dating a girl in a long distance relationship for over 6 years now, we have been having major issues for the last few months and saw her in a picture with another guy during a break and she said he was just a close childhood friend that was going through a divorce. She assured me that they were just friends and nothing was there and that they had never dated in the past. None of this added up, because I went to her house shortly thereafter and his beer was in the house and I could just tell a man had been there. We were intimate that week I was in town and it just felt right, but I could just sense something was up. They are not friends on FB, but he is friends with everyone else they know in common - which lead me to believe they had a past and his current wife didnt want him to be friends. After I saw the picture online, he created a instagram account and was following her, but not his own wife and is all over her photos with liking them, etc...so it seemed they were hiding something. She keeps saying she loves me and misses me, but wants to be alone for a while to make the right choices and work on herself and I wanted to believe nothing was between them, so I was trying to trust this....well, I couldnt take it anymore and I called him and reaffirm that they had a past and dated for several years and that they have stayed together and he has always loved her. I asked if they had sex and he would say anything other than "we enjoy each others company". I was/am so angry that went off on him and how someone could do this.... Well, she found out I called him and is still defiant that she didnt mess around with a married man and that she didnt do anything behind my back. She still wont acknowledge they had sex and shows no signs of remorse....NONE.....Keep in mind, our arguments are mainly because she rarely makes time for us while apart, hardly calls etc. I was in a horrible accident over a year ago and she never came to see me even though I said I needed help and she went out and partied and never called once to check on me over the weekend. Sorry for being all over the map, but after 6 years I could write a novel. What do I do? Is there help for us? How can someone just leave one day and hop into a relationship with a past lover??? I am beyond devastated....
TaraMaiden Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 What do I do? Break up and go No Contact. Is there help for us? only if she really wants it as much as you do, and on the face of it, with the amount of BS denial she's piling up, I doubt that's a 'yes'.... How can someone just leave one day and hop into a relationship with a past lover??? Quite easily, it seems. She had this waiting in the wings. in fact, it's pretty clear from this angle that this - She keeps saying she ....wants to be alone for a while to make the right choices and work on herself - actually means, " I want you to think we're on a break so that I can re-evaluate my position in our relationship, but in truth, I've gone off you, and am trying to let you down easy, because you just don't do it for me any more, and i want to go out with *this* guy instead." I am beyond devastated.... No, actually, believe it or not, you're not. You're confused, angry and somewhat indignant that she could have the audacity to keep trying to pull the wool over your eyes, even after you've caught her out, but 'beyond devastated'....? No. you'll be fine. You dodged a bullet, see? Best way to deal with a cheater is to let someone else have them. If she will do it to you, she will do it to him. And so, it seems, will he. 3
sooshi Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds so difficult. Unfortunately, it sounds like she doesn't care for you or respect you in the same way you do for her. She doesn't sound as invested as you do. Getting into a horrible accident and her never coming to see you is just awful! That's not what someone who cares about you does. At all. It sounds like she isn't being honest with you. You said she hasn't shown any signs of remorse. I'm sorry to say, but she's no good for you. I agree with Tara. 2
Author doublea Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 Thanks Sooshi, she hasnt been honest...I am 44 and I am truly in love with this girl and after 6 years...I am so torn up about this....I have never known a pain like this...
Author doublea Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 Thanks Tara...what do you mean dodged a bullet? Maybe you are right, but I certainly feel lost and devastated - we had so many good things in our relationship and for her to just toss it after 6 years....I dont get it.....do you think she will see the error of her way and come back?
TaraMaiden Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Thanks Tara...what do you mean dodged a bullet? She's a liar and a cheat, and she tried pulling the wool over your eyes, but you called her - and him - out on it. maybe she expected you to roll over like a cute little puppy and take the kicking, naively... but you didn't. That's 'dodging a bullet'. Maybe you are right, but I certainly feel lost and devastated - we had so many good things in our relationship and for her to just toss it after 6 years....I dont get it..... I hate to tell you, but to a cheater, the years spent with someone mean nothing. And time is nothing. It's simply a way of keeping memories tidy, nothing more. 6 years, six months six weeks.... it's all the same to the broken heart.... do you think she will see the error of her way and come back?God no, I sincerely hope not - and so should you.... 3
Author doublea Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 Thanks Tara....do you think I was wrong in contacting him? She was awful pissed about it....and he was so caviler about it all....The one thing I forgot to mention is how involved her parents are in her life...meaning, they do everything for her and very controlling. So bad, that after I called him then her dad sent me a text saying not to contact her friends.....I am like really? You screw me over and then run to dad and not taking any ownership for your actions.....I hate this feeling, cant stand the idea of her laying in bed with this clown.....its gut wrenching....
Tulsy Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Thanks Tara....do you think I was wrong in contacting him? She was awful pissed about it....and he was so caviler about it all....The one thing I forgot to mention is how involved her parents are in her life...meaning, they do everything for her and very controlling. So bad, that after I called him then her dad sent me a text saying not to contact her friends.....I am like really? You screw me over and then run to dad and not taking any ownership for your actions.....I hate this feeling, cant stand the idea of her laying in bed with this clown.....its gut wrenching.... Dude...180, and move on. You can't stay with someone who can't be trusted. 1
Author doublea Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 You are right, Tulsy. I want her to acknowledge the pain and suffering she has caused and at least show some remorse for her actions.....she could careless that she got caught lying and is still denying it....I dont get taking ownership over this....
TaraMaiden Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Thanks Tara....do you think I was wrong in contacting him? No. She was awful pissed about it.... Good. Tough schytt. if she didn't want you poking around, she should have been more discreet. and he was so caviler about it all.... Yeah. The guilty are capable of all kinds of reprehensible behaviour.... The one thing I forgot to mention is how involved her parents are in her life...meaning, they do everything for her and very controlling. Her problem now, not yours. So bad, that after I called him then her dad sent me a text saying not to contact her friends.....I am like really? You screw me over and then run to dad and not taking any ownership for your actions.... Chip off the old block. Thick as thieves, blood is thicker than water, all those kinds of cliches. Like I said, you dodged the bullet, and how.... .I hate this feeling, cant stand the idea of her laying in bed with this clown.....its gut wrenching... Well then quit thinking about it. She's not your problem any more, and it seems they've got a whole shed-load of their own to deal with. If he's married, this is going to get messy. rather them than you.... 1
Author doublea Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 thanks again Tara and I appreciate you taking the time to write. the cherry on top is she drinks quite a bit - well alot. He is a recovering alcoholic - so I dont know how that will play out.....I will try to quit thinking about it, this just happened late last night, so the wound is fresh. I have a big heart, I am not perfect - but I care deeply for those I love and with that comes this hurt..I wish I could be like them and turn this off, but that isnt so easy for a guy like me....
TaraMaiden Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Ooooh, great, throw alcohol into this mix and you have the makings of one great big dysfunctional chaotic mess....! Hell's bells, run like the wind, dude!! You should be laughing and rubbing your hands in glee! Difficult to see this now, I know, but boy oh boy - her baggage suddenly became his, not yours! Controlling parents? Alcohol problem? Sayonara, lady!!
Author doublea Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 I agree, even when I step back and look at this - I know what I would tell someone and that would be exactly what you are saying...which is why, I cant understand why I am so hurt. I do have one question - if she is sleeping with this dirtbag and then telling me she loves me so much...why? is it to keep me on the hook until she figured this other crap out??
Author doublea Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 One other thing and I am sorry, but this is good for me to vent. Not too long ago, I was getting tested for cancer and was freaked out - which I dont have....however, I called her to talk to her about it...she was partying at her house and when I called, she said yeah my doctor thought I had that too and then hung up....I was thinking we got disconnected, so I called back several times and it went directly to vm. She called after everyone left and I asked what happened and she said they were trying to listen to music and I was interrupting..... I know, I sound stupid and the writing is on the wall....I am just trying to figure out how someone can say they love me and do this...I dont get it....
Chi townD Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 (edited) If it were me, I would let the OMW know what's going on. She has ever right to know what kind of man she married. And she also has a right to make an informed decision on what she wants to do with her marriage. And if Dad contacts you again, you can say to him with complete confidence and say to him, "Sir, I took your advice and I did not contact her friends. Considering that she is cheating with her husband; I highly doubt that they're friends" And go on with your life! Just be prepared to ignore the wall of texts and phonecalls coming your way. As a matter of fact, change your number after that. Edited March 17, 2014 by Chi townD
Author doublea Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 I thought about that ChiTown - she may know or suspect anything, I just dont think I want to get involved with that as I have enough crap on my plate to overcome now....I will have to think about that all.....I am just thinking I need to move on...I would like an apology or the reasoning behind all the lies...but I probably know that will never happen.
Chi townD Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Well, ultimately the decision is yours. But, I think that if the shoe was on the other foot and she knew some information about your girl, wouldn't you want to know? I mean, there's other things that she probably doesn't even know about to solidify your claims. You stated that he is a recovering alcoholic and yet he keeps his beer at her place. She might think that he's still in his sobriety and you can tell her the truth. "He drinks Miller MGD, doesn't he?" She might ask how would you know what kind of beer he drank OUT OF ALL THE BRANDS OUT THERE, you nailed it. You can tell her that he keeps in in her frig. Bit of a coincidence don't you think? Look, I wouldn't do it if you were going to do it for revenge. But, there's 4 parties here and only three know what's going on. If you feel that she has a right to know, then I strongly advise you to tell her. If YOU would want to know, then I think you have a duty to tell her. But, again. The choice is yours.
Author doublea Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 You have a good point - I just need to think about it...Once I cross that bridge, hard to close...but I get your point... And I wasnt very clear, it was nonalcoholic beer and my GF said it was his and that he left it in her car...but never stayed...which is lie that we know now....
Snow101 Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 This whole situation is awful. There is no easy road ahead. I would try to focus on the clearly raw deal she has served you up with .
Author doublea Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 Thanks Snow - like you I had a ton to write and I am trying to get my head wrapped around this and I am still having issues understanding why a person would do this and not want to talk about it all...rather than give you this crap sandwich and say enjoy and walk off......do people have no remorse.....so angry.
Author doublea Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 I got a text from her today and I am amazed. She said I ruined her trip for her art show and that I took out all the joy....REALLY? I mean, no apology!! It was all about her and because she got caught lying and cheating that I ruined her trip. And that she wasnt lying and that she didnt feel the need to disclose that she was hanging out with her ex because she didnt want to cause more drama than we already had....and then denied them having sex and that if she dug into my life she would find hurtful things....and that she isnt in a relationship.... what the f**k??????????????????????????????? What is wrong with people. Didnt admit to crap and just said that I ruined her trip because she got caught...
sooshi Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 That hurts, doublea. She has no place in your life right now.
TaraMaiden Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 You need to follow the NC program and block all and any avenue possible, in all ways possible, of her ever being able to contact you, get in touch with you, or get to you (in both senses of the phrase) ever again. delete her number, download an app to block texts and erase her from your memory - both tecchie and mental.... see the Guide in my signature.
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