Choosing between parents and boyfriend

[Fluttershy]

I have two real life experiences to relay. Neither will be exactly like yours but here I go.

 

A relative of mine met and fell in love with a muslim woman. She was not devout but her parents were. To appease them he converted and was welcomed in to the family. Sadly,his family was not and though invoted to the wedding were basically shunned. Hard feelings started. And then there were grandchildren. And then a divorce. And now he has neither his wife or his family though things are improving with his family. The conparenting has been a nightmare.

 

The other one was a friend who married a person who was of a religeon he didn't understand much. She was not practicing and he didn't worry about it. Except that their lifestyle and her abandoning the faith required her being shunned. After a couple years she returned to her faith. He never agreed to give up things that were inportant to him before marriage. He has chose to since in order to keeptheir family together. It has basically separated him from his friends and family.

 

I know there are stories where it has worked. But it is a rough road. Go in eyes wide open.

[Jessemj]

I wanted to write an update, so that if there is anyone else out there that finds themself in this same or similar situation, they may find comfort or useful advice.

My boyfriend and I stuck it out and got married. It was extremely emotional for everyone and difficult but we all pulled through (my family included).

There were plenty of confrontations between my father and me and it was ROUGH (emotionally). My mother felt like she was stuck in the middle of me and my father and my siblings felt stuck in the middle between my parents and me. In the end my siblings told me that they would always be in my life and never turn their backs on me. It turns out my siblings had been working on my dad for months, and he eventually, slowly came around a little bit. I say a little bit because he still did not agree but he did pay for our wedding. After the wedding I was scared my dad would not speak to me, but when I saw him for the first time after the wedding, we hugged and he cried uncontrollably. Which, in our situation was a good sign. It let me know how hurt he was still feeling but also that he still loved me. At first my dad would not answer my phone calls, which hurt every time but I kept calling. And now, he picks up the phone. He may not always say much but it is better than ignoring me. And I am going to keep trying.

My family likes my husband and we have both visited my family together. There was no drama and all our visits were actually enjoyable. So far things are going well and my husband and I are happy together.

 

A few words of advice for anyone in this same or similar situation:

1. I found that being firm, yet compassionate with my parents helped tremendously. It wasn't always easy, because so many emotions were boiling. It was exhausting. I made sure to not just think of my feelings in this situation and to try and understand how my parents were feeling. I am lucky because my parents tried to do the same, although i think it was harder for them. And doing that, doesn't mean you're giving in or agreeing with how the other person feels, it just creates understanding so there can be compassion. By doing this, it is less likely that more animosity will build.

2. Remember even if things work out, the hurt doesn't magically disappear. That takes a while. Give your self time and your family time.

3. NEVER stop trying to communicate. Some people out there can be extremely stubborn. Ive heard stories of people holding grudges for years. But do your part. Reach out and try not to internalize any let downs.

4. If your parents are Asian, allow for an appropriate amount of time to try and convince them to accept your decision, before you do it. I read a story about someone fighting his family for 2 years until they finally accepted! All I'm saying is don't rush things. Try to give your family time to process what is happening. If you don't you run the risk of creating more hurt. It's possible your parents will feel very hurt if they think you never considered their approval. Thats hard for a lot of people to understand bc most feel that you shouldnt have to work so hard for approval from your family. But you can't control how others are going to feel. All you can do is try to maneuver it. And sometimes that means stepping up and being the bigger person.

In hindsight, I believe it would have been a little less painful for everyone had my husband and I waited a little longer. But, what happened, has happened.

5. Communicate with your partner. It was very difficult for my husband to understand a lot of what was happening but he tried his best and I was honest and open with him about my feelings.

6. Try to refrain from yelling and screaming. That can be very difficult for some people but, If you can keep calm, it will be better for everyone.

 

That's all I have for now. Thank you everyone for your help and I hope this helps someone else out there.

[sandylee1]

Congratulations to you both.

Edited January 10, 2015 by sandylee1
inaccurate info

[Mal78]

I've seen this situation several time. What seems to be the common trend is that you date for 2-3 years THEN you finally introduce your parents. It will probably take 2-3 years for them to warm up to the idea or to fall in love with the qualities you did in your bf. Give it time. Love can, does and has prevailed. Your parents love for you is true yet they also love their faith and since you were born they had an ideal set in place for your future because that was "their" tradition.

 

Good news is you didn't waste too much time, you are still young and this can work out for everyone.

 

I know a couple who were of two faiths. They met and fell in love at 18, moved in with each other at 21 and didn't tell their parents until 28!! They finally got married this past year in a duo wedding (both faiths traditional wedding) at 34!! Both families finally excepted their love.

 

I once talked to clients of mine about a friend who got pregnant (she is canadian, Catholic) and the father (East Indian, hindu) said he could never let his parents know they would disown him. These clients had a son my friend's boyfriend's age. They were VERY traditional and didn't skip a beat when telling me that a child is innocent and they wouldn't let their traditions or faith deny them a relationship with their grandchild! Of course they would be upset as this was not how they wanted it to be but the child is innocent.

 

He wouldn't give his parents credit or the benefit of the doubt and now 16 years later they have a grandson they were denied.

 

Give your parents credit and the benefit of the doubt. They love you, they will come around. This is fresh. They need time to adapt.

[autumnnight]

I am so very happy for you. I know it was a hard decision, and the advice would likely vary depending on whether the giver of the advice was Muslim. I wish you every happiness.

[Kristine]

One more thing to consider and discuss with your boyfriend. When you have children, how will they be raused? Non-religious, his true religion, or your religion. That may be all you need to know to give you your answer.

 

I do need to say. I'm often facing a similar fate for different reasons. My family tends to disown me. It's happening again. They are never happy with the men I choose. Unless they have choosen him for me. It's very hard. I understand what your going through.

 

I can say if he really is non religious why not convert? It really wouldn't matter to him. Maybe find out his reasons for refusing to convert. See if you can work it out. If he doesn't offer what would be considered valid reasons. Then maybe consider your family's wishes.

 

My current guy is now working to fix what he can remedy in our relationship, hoping to mend broken ties within my family. It hurts, it's very painful to be shut out. I cry over it a lot. Love is a rare find. But family ties hurt so deeply when they shatter.

[J2911]

What a nightmare to be in !

Another poster replied to you and asked what if your parents don't like your next boyfriend and the next . That is something to consider .

Since your father is asking you well why is he not considering conversion ? You should ask your father why he isn't considering a compromise instead of kicking you out of his life completely.

I just cannot comprehend kicking a child out of a parents life over religion or sexuality issues and such. It's absurd . How is living your life and being happy so damaging to your father .

I would question a religion who would make a parent disown their child. I am a Christian and if my child were 29 and became an atheist I would be sad but never stop loving him or her and let him have his own life and beliefs .

I'm sorry you are in this predicament.

My advise is live your life for you .

[bathtub-row]

I guess what I'm confused about is, if you're Muslim, why did you date outside the religion? If you're not Muslim, why would you expect your bf to convert?

 

I was raised in a religion that is known for disowning family members if they leave the religion. Because of the amount of time I was in the religion (almost 20 yrs) and because of how close I was to my family, it was a very hard decision for me to leave. But I didn't believe the religion and it wasn't a religion you could pretend to be in. So, after 2 yrs of thinking about it, I finally left. In a way, I had little choice.

 

For the first few yrs, I saw my parents off and on but it put a rift between us. Then one day my mother became very ill and I went to see her in the hospital. It was then that she told me that she wanted me to start coming to visit them again. So, I did and I'm very grateful for the years I had with them. The religion still put a wedge between us but at least they were in my life. I have never gotten over the loss of my very big, very close family. I married someone with a nice family and they basically became my family. I have divorced since then but I remain close to them because my son is their relative and they still care about me. I'm invited to all family events, etc. They truly have become my other family.

 

My concern with you is that you had to know how your parents were going to react to this. So, in essence, you made that choice a long time ago. Also, asking your bf to convert to such a controversial religion is asking way too much of him. While I understand your dad's point, this isn't something you should be springing on your bf now. If this was a requirement, then you should've told him that very early into the relationship. It's very unfair to expect this of him now. The truth is, wild horses couldn't drag me into the Muslim religion. This is not a light issue for your bf at all. And he's not the one asking you to give up your parents. As I said before, it seems you already made that choice. But now that you're faced with the reality of the situation, you don't want to deal with it.

 

Basically, you have two choices. Either continue on and marry your bf, or concede to your parents' wishes and marry the person they want you to marry. I guess another alternative would be to stay with your bf and not marry him until your parents die. It's doubtful that that will work, though.

 

Just as a sidepoint, I've heard of Muslim parents killing their daughters because they shamed them by dating someone outside their religion. You don't think your father is being calm because he intends to do the unthinkable, do you?

Edited January 11, 2015 by bathtub-row

[Els]

OP, I'm glad you posted an update, and I'm glad everything worked out for you!

[bathtub-row]

Sorry, I didn't realize that this was an old post. Anyway, I'm happy for you. It sounds like things are going as well as could be expected in these circumstances. Best wishes!