Choosing between parents and boyfriend

[Jessemj]

Hello All,

I am new here. I joined b/c I am going through a difficult situation right now and wanted to receive some insight from different people who may have had similar experiences.

 

Here is the situation:

My boyfriend and I have been together since December 2012. (I am 26 and he is 29) We have a great relationship based on love, trust, and open communication.

I recently told my parents about him because we want to get married. The problem is, my parents are Muslim and will not recognize the marriage unless my boyfriend were to become Muslim. My boyfriend does not want to convert. I have told my parents that I do not want my boyfriend to have to convert. My father told me that if I marry him anyway, that he will no longer associate with me (won't talk to me or see me). My mother feels the same way, but I feel it is mostly because she feels the need to be loyal to my dad. So it is either my boyfriend or them at this point.

 

I do not agree with my parents' views about this situation but I am starting to see that there is nothing I can say to convince them otherwise. So I have now accepted that them cutting me out of their lives is a consequence if I choose my boyfriend.

 

Before I told my dad, I was expecting a very different reaction from him. I was expecting him to explode on me, but he didn't. He kept his cool and laid out how he felt about the situation. If he had exploded on me, admittedly it would have made this decision easier. My father and I have a history of disagreeing. Instead of showing his anger he showed me love and tenderness. He is 73 now, which is probably why he is keeping cool. But I know he feels mad at the thought of me marrying my boyfriend anyway.

 

At this point, my parents are speaking as if I will choose them and my boyfriend is talking as if I will choose him. My boyfriend is not as close with his family and it seems like he doesn't fully understand why this is such a difficult situation for me. I have been pretty depressed and worried about this whole thing. My boyfriend is afraid I will leave him but at the same time he has been talking to me about engagement rings and honeymoons and I can't even think about those things because of the present situation! He is so sweet and I know all he wants is to start a life with me, and I him, but I am at a standstill bc of this situation. I feel like a deer in the headlights, I can't move b/c I am so scared now.

My parents brought up a concern that I have been thinking about a little. My father asked me why I am so willing to give up so much and my boyfriend isn't. Meaning, I have been considering giving up the relationship with my family but he is not even considering converting. Is this a valid point? My boyfriend isn't religious. He believes in God and that is pretty much it. Asking someone to convert to another religion is a big deal, but at the same time, giving up your family is also a big deal as well. Right now I feel the entire fate of our relationship rests on my shoulders. The full responsibility is on me it feels like.

My parents met my boyfriend and thought he was nice, but because of their religious beliefs my father told my boyfriend that he would not feel right giving his daughter's hand to a non-Muslim.

My boyfriends parents love me and are very welcoming. (Man, how I wish mine did the same!)

 

My parents' threat to cut ties with me is not right. I feel hurt that they would even think of it. My father is very steadfast in his beliefs and I cant change that about him.

My father views it like this: If we get married anyway without my boyfriend converting, then I will be living in sin. and if he welcomes us home after we are married and maintains a relationship with us, then that would be like him condoning my "sinful" behavior.

I disagree with my father's beliefs but I can't change them unfortunately.

 

Regardless of how hurtful I feel all this is, I love my parents. I know some would say "If they really loved you then they wouldn't cut ties with you" or "if they really love you, they will eventually come around".

It's hard to argue that when someone believes in their faith so much and that it is truly God's word. Regardless of the disagreements I have had with my dad and the issues I have had with them in the past and present, I love them both dearly. If I were to marry my boyfriend anyway, I wouldn't worry about my parents hating me or being angry with me, I would be more concerned about their happiness. My mother would feel so sad. She feels caught in the middle of my father and me. Psychology would say I am not responsible for the happiness of others but my parent's happiness will still be affected if I choose to marry my boyfriend. I am also concerned that I might end up feeling guilty one day. If I don't marry my boyfriend I may end up resenting my parents for a long time, or forever. I don't know. Either way, its a lose-lose situation for me.

 

At this point, although I know I can not be responsible for the happiness of others or the beliefs of others, I have accepted that they are a consequence of what ever I choose to do. I feel foolish for getting myself into this situation and I feel bad for bringing my boyfriend into this situation. Right now, I am considering taking a break from my family and boyfriend, in order to think for myself and make the best decision possible. I'm between a rock and a hard place.

 

I would like to hear from other people who have had similar situations and how you coped with it.

If I left anything vital out, please let me know.

 

Also, please no religious debates. I very much dislike the division religious people tend to create between themselves and others of different faiths but I really don't want this to turn into a religion debate.

 

I welcome all insightful and helpful responses! Thank you!

Edited March 17, 2014 by Jessemj

[Keenly]

What happens when your parents don't like your next boyfriend. Or the one after. Are they constantly going to hold their love hostage until they approve of one ?

 

 

I don't think your boyfriend would make you choose between him and your parents. There's something to think about.

[Jessemj]

Thanks for your reply!

After I posted this, I thought maybe I posted this under the wrong heading. But I don't know how to delete it and post it under something more appropriate like "Family" or "getting married"

[aussietigerwolf]

umm... Aren't you living in sin now in that case? What's so different that they aren't already rejecting you?

[RoseMadder]

Hi,

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation, I don't know if I could choose between my family and my H, you have my total sympathy.

 

Do you think your dad means it when he says he will have nothing to do with you if you marry your BF? Also are your parents happy for you to marry for love if the man was also Muslim? Have you asked if they'd be ok with you marrying your BF if he converted?

 

What about your BF, is he totally against converting to your religion, even if it means losing you? You say that the extent of his faith is that he believes in God, does he know that all the Abrahamic faiths have the same God? Christian God = Muslim God etc... I actually know a few people who've converted so they can marry, ultimately once you're wed you can decide how devote you want your household to be.

 

I think you should explain the situation in full to your BF (if you haven't already) and ask him what he thinks. If I'd asked my H to convert so I didn't lose my family he would have done it. Maybe your parents have a point when they say he's expecting you to do things for him that he won't do for you.

 

I really do feel for you, you're stuck right in the middle of it all and while I'm sure you'd never want to hurt your parents, you can't help who you fall in love with.

 

All the best and let us know what decision you make.

 

Peace and love x

[VeronicaRoss]

This is serious stuff.

 

I'm sure you're in love but there are no guarantees that you and your future husband will stay together. So this decision can't be about that relationship, it has to be about you and what you want for your life whether he is in it or not.

 

If you see him as your new set of parents, and he'll take care of you like they do, red flags all over the place. Western cultures generally aren't like that. He'll see you as an adult who can take care of herself, which means that if your relationship isn't what he wants or needs anymore he will not feel as obliged as someone from your own culture to stay regardless. This is not to be mean about him, this may not be the way he is at all, but a big risk you're taking if he's from a western culture.

 

Is the reality that you WANT to live a different way then your culture allows? If that is the case, then this is you breaking free into greater integrity with yourself. And he is simply a part of it, that would be optimal.

 

If this is just to be with this man, then I'd seriously caution you against this move. You can't run away from yourself, you need to be able to live in good conscience with what you decide to do for the rest of your life. If you want to live like your parents, like you have, then you want to find a man who is that way too.

 

My advice really is to go to your spiritual counselor or a therapist or both and think and feel your way through this very carefully.

 

Good luck!

[Jessemj]

Hi,

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation, I don't know if I could choose between my family and my H, you have my total sympathy.

 

Do you think your dad means it when he says he will have nothing to do with you if you marry your BF? Also are your parents happy for you to marry for love if the man was also Muslim? Have you asked if they'd be ok with you marrying your BF if he converted?

 

What about your BF, is he totally against converting to your religion, even if it means losing you? You say that the extent of his faith is that he believes in God, does he know that all the Abrahamic faiths have the same God? Christian God = Muslim God etc... I actually know a few people who've converted so they can marry, ultimately once you're wed you can decide how devote you want your household to be.

 

I think you should explain the situation in full to your BF (if you haven't already) and ask him what he thinks. If I'd asked my H to convert so I didn't lose my family he would have done it. Maybe your parents have a point when they say he's expecting you to do things for him that he won't do for you.

 

I really do feel for you, you're stuck right in the middle of it all and while I'm sure you'd never want to hurt your parents, you can't help who you fall in love with.

 

All the best and let us know what decision you make.

 

Peace and love x

 

 

Thanks for your reply RoseMadder!

Yes, unfortunately I do believe my dad when he says that. My parents are happy for me to marry someone for love, but they want him to be Muslim. And if my boyfriend converted, they would be ok with me marrying him. My dad believes so strongly that my marriage would be considered invalid if I marry my boyfriend and he didn't convert first. Unfortunately, my dad is also concerned about what people in his Muslim community will think of him and his family. I feel sorry for my dad that he feels that way.

 

My boyfriend has said multiple times that he won't convert. He said he does not want to live a lie. Which I can understand. I brought it up once because man, would it make the situation easier for both of us then we could go live our lives the way we please, as you said. He got upset when I brought it up. Maybe he was defensive? He might have taken it as me asking him to change who he is. but I'm with him bc I love him as he is. I was just suggesting so my parents would shut up and we could get married.

BUT it is a big thing to ask someone to do and I really don't want my boyfriend to do it bc he feels pressured by me and then end up resenting me later. I feel bad for bringing it up with him.

 

The bit about my parents thinking I am willing to sacrifice more than he is was also brought up by a religious counselor I spoke to. He was very kind about my situation and empathized. I was more of the "pursuer" in our relationship.

[Jessemj]

This is serious stuff.

 

I'm sure you're in love but there are no guarantees that you and your future husband will stay together. So this decision can't be about that relationship, it has to be about you and what you want for your life whether he is in it or not.

 

If you see him as your new set of parents, and he'll take care of you like they do, red flags all over the place. Western cultures generally aren't like that. He'll see you as an adult who can take care of herself, which means that if your relationship isn't what he wants or needs anymore he will not feel as obliged as someone from your own culture to stay regardless. This is not to be mean about him, this may not be the way he is at all, but a big risk you're taking if he's from a western culture.

 

Is the reality that you WANT to live a different way then your culture allows? If that is the case, then this is you breaking free into greater integrity with yourself. And he is simply a part of it, that would be optimal.

 

If this is just to be with this man, then I'd seriously caution you against this move. You can't run away from yourself, you need to be able to live in good conscience with what you decide to do for the rest of your life. If you want to live like your parents, like you have, then you want to find a man who is that way too.

 

My advice really is to go to your spiritual counselor or a therapist or both and think and feel your way through this very carefully.

 

Good luck!

 

 

Thanks VeronicaRoss!

You are right, there are no guarantees it will last. I agree the decision must be about what I want for my life.

 

I definitely do not want him to be my new parents! lol Oh boy that sounds miserable. I was born and raised in the US and I'm pretty "westernized" but still retain some minor bits of eastern culture. (My parents are Pakistani.)

I liked how you worded this:

"He'll see you as an adult who can take care of herself, which means that if your relationship isn't what he wants or needs anymore he will not feel as obliged as someone from your own culture to stay regardless."

 

It's something my parents are fearful of for me.

 

I do want to live differently than the way I was raised. For sure. I don't want to live in the same environment I was raised in. Not that it was super terrible, but it was definitely a struggle. I see my current boyfriend fitting in nicely with the way I want to live.

I have lived in Louisiana my whole life. There are not a whole lot of eligible Muslim bachelors to choose from here. lol I was never against meeting a Muslim dude, but there weren't any here that were on the same page as me.

 

I spoke with one religious counselor and he was very kind and empathized. He made it very clear that his main concern in this situation was my happiness and told me that I could contact him for help anytime. I do have a therapist (and I love going to see her! I always feel better about life!), unfortunately she is on vacation and my next appointment isn't until April 2.

Thank you for your advice. It's all stuff I will think about for sure.

[RoseMadder]

Thanks for your reply RoseMadder!

Yes, unfortunately I do believe my dad when he says that. My parents are happy for me to marry someone for love, but they want him to be Muslim. And if my boyfriend converted, they would be ok with me marrying him. My dad believes so strongly that my marriage would be considered invalid if I marry my boyfriend and he didn't convert first. Unfortunately, my dad is also concerned about what people in his Muslim community will think of him and his family. I feel sorry for my dad that he feels that way.

 

My boyfriend has said multiple times that he won't convert. He said he does not want to live a lie. Which I can understand. I brought it up once because man, would it make the situation easier for both of us then we could go live our lives the way we please, as you said. He got upset when I brought it up. Maybe he was defensive? He might have taken it as me asking him to change who he is. but I'm with him bc I love him as he is. I was just suggesting so my parents would shut up and we could get married.

BUT it is a big thing to ask someone to do and I really don't want my boyfriend to do it bc he feels pressured by me and then end up resenting me later. I feel bad for bringing it up with him.

 

The bit about my parents thinking I am willing to sacrifice more than he is was also brought up by a religious counselor I spoke to. He was very kind about my situation and empathized. I was more of the "pursuer" in our relationship.

 

I kinda feel like your Dad is acting in a decent way, he's trying, he doesn't want to lose you and is giving your BF the chance to convert rather than just saying no. Maybe he needs proof that your BF really loves you and that would be the ultimate proof? I agree it's sad that he worries about how people will view him.

 

It's sad your BF won't change, but maybe that's your answer, I'd rather change religion than see my partner sad and lonely and unable to see their family. I don't think you should feel bad for asking him to do it, in my eyes it makes total sense.

 

Your counsellor said you were the "pursuer" in your relationship. Maybe it's time to stop pursuing him. Tell him you need time to figure out whether you should make such a big sacrifice for a man who's not willing to make any sacrifice for you.

[RoseMadder]

One other thing, have you explained to your BF that converting doesn't mean living in the same way as your family. That the two of you would be responsible for your own household and religion may not play a huge role in your life. Are you sure he's not just making excuses for not getting married

[Zimber]

An unfortunate predicament, one that cannot be solved without loss given the hard lines that both sides have taken.

 

I don't think you've mentioned where you reside, but I'm going to assume that it's in the west.

 

Surprising myself when I read your post, I'm finding myself self siding with your father's opinion, just not his means of enforcing it (that is quite sad).

 

That said, nobody can tell you what to do on such a significant decision, but perhaps we can provide you with topics to think about that might be difficult for you right now....

 

1) Your BF got involved with a Muslim woman, he is not religious but rather sounds agnostic ... non committal. Where did he think this would end up?

My fiance is orthodox christian, I'm not religious but more ... spiritual? I'm pretty certain my feet won't light on fire when I enter the church to get baptized or my hair fall out during the act, but I do feel a little of an imposter because I don't accept some of the things I must to be of her denomination. I do however hope I keep my hair, because I will not force her to turn her back on her faith especially given that I have none! Yep, when I saw she was marriage minded, I had to make that decision from the start.

 

2) Divorce rates in these times. They're pretty discouraging. Not that you turn into a marriage cynic, but boy, before giving up god and family, I would want some significant skin on the table.

If there is one thing I've learned in my many years, is there is always another "soul mate", another "the one". People change and grow.

My love at the time for my ex wife (of 14 years) who I was prepared to love forever (sadly not vice versa) does not even compete with the way I feel about my fiance now. My point is, is that your decision cannot be based on an "all or nothing" mentality because that is just Hollywood BS. You need to be smart about this!

 

3) Have you spoke about a prenuptial agreement? Does he want you to sign anything? If so, please pay attention to something ....

You're supposed to give up the security of your family, sign a piece of paper which prevents you from any security from him or his family ...

If there is a signing of a paper, you better make it in your favor. If he wants you to give up so much for him, he best put his money where his mouth is because that's what you're doing.

 

Other things you may consider ...

Your father might just be trying to look out for you, or impose his beliefs. Try to marry in to a Jewish family ... yikes! It matters not.

What you may try to do first is have your BF win over your father a little more (if they are sociable).

You may also make sure that divorce rate even above Muslims (in the US) is at about 30% (this assumes that he is worried you're going to get used up and dumped).

 

Listen J, you sound like a lovely woman. You deserve a "lovely" man. What would a lovely man do?

 

If you two decide to go for it, then my goodness, make sure you work on it. The grass is greener where you water it!

 

What ever you decide, good luck.

 

Z

[Eivuwan]

I don't understand the people who say that the boyfriend should convert for love. You can't just make yourself believe in things that you don't. Would you give up your religion for your boyfriend?

[RoseMadder]

I don't understand the people who say that the boyfriend should convert for love. You can't just make yourself believe in things that you don't. Would you give up your religion for your boyfriend?

 

Her BF hasn't really got religious views, he believes in God but that's about it, it's not like he's a devout catholic for whom converting would mean the same some of social exclusion that he's expecting her suffer through. I agree you can't make somebody believe in something they don't, but how many people get married in church because their partners family is Christian? How many people who marry in church actually believe in God?

 

If my H was Muslim then I would rather convert, be able to marry him with his families consent and make an old man happy than rip his family apart and have a sad H who may resent me.

[whichwayisup]

Your boyfriend won't convert but he is okay with you giving up your whole family for him?

 

If he converted, (and yes he'd be living a lie on some level to himself and his own belief system) would he have live the life of a muslim and do prayers, fast and adapt completely? Or would it be just on paper.

 

You're in a tough spot and I can see how hard this decision will be. Keep talking to your mom, it is possible she is more on your side than you realize.

[writergal]

Having worked as a nanny for a Muslim family I can tell you this right now, if the OP's boyfriend converts just to please her parents, he will find that it is more than just a promise on paper. The OP and her boyfriend will be required to adhere to Muslim law with regards to marriage and family and community. So it's not something to treat lightly.

 

Muslim law doesn't allow interfaith marriages if the woman is Muslim, only if the man is Muslim. That's in the Qur'an.

 

OP I don't think you should allow your family or boyfriend to put you in the middle. Let your parents know that while you appreciate their concern, that you plan to marry you boyfriend and live a Western lifestyle if that's what you prefer. Emphasize to them that while your boyfriend won't convert, he will embrace the Islamic lifestyle and essentially become a casual Muslim, if that makes sense? That promise may lessen your dad's concern that you will give up your Muslim faith, which is probably where he's coming from.

 

I also know that you won't be allowed to have a Muslim wedding based on Muslim law, so a Western wedding in a church or a non-religious wedding would be two alternatives for you both to have a legally recognized marriage in the U.S.

 

Good luck.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Your parents are controlling and emotionally abusive. Religion is NOT an adequate excuse for this. As an adult it's time to live your life how you wish to. If they disown you it will be incredibly sad, difficult and tough to move past, and I suggest strongly you look into some kind of bereavement counselling as that's likely how it will feel. But sadly it will also show just how important to them you really are, only worthy of being a daughter when you are doing what they want you to do.

 

Even if I were in that situation and I wound up splitting with the guy in question, I'd rather be free to do what I wanted to in the future with whom I wished than be under their control and essentially be being blackmailed into behaving in a certain way. In fact a year and a half ago I had a situation where I had to choose between my boyfriend at the time and my brother, because my brother was acting like SUCH an ass. I chose the boyfriend, who wound up dumping me soon after due to all of the drama (in part). The brother never forgave me, froze me out and I haven't had a relationship with him or my beloved, precious, adored nephews ever since.

 

You know what? I'm better off without people who will try and hurt me in my life, who don't want the best for me, and to see my flourish and make my own choices. In the end I lost both but at the time I felt my boyfriend was my future, and I knew my brother was being unreasonable, so despite the outcome I do not regret it. And I was okay, and moved on. Your situation is very different but I recommend you think deeply about whether you can live under their rule for the rest of your life.

[whichwayisup]

Your parents are controlling and emotionally abusive. Religion is NOT an adequate excuse for this.

 

I agree, but it is what it is...Many cultures are like this, right or wrong, it's their belief system and tradition. I think she knew from the get-go the rules of the religion and her parents (dad most of all) views on this and relationships/marriage. It's doubtful there weren't signs a long the way that her parents would disapprove of marriage.

[Jessemj]

One other thing, have you explained to your BF that converting doesn't mean living in the same way as your family. That the two of you would be responsible for your own household and religion may not play a huge role in your life. Are you sure he's not just making excuses for not getting married

 

Yes I have. I told him I would never expect him to practice.

I am very positive he wants to get married to me. That has never been a doubt.

[Jessemj]

An unfortunate predicament, one that cannot be solved without loss given the hard lines that both sides have taken.

 

I don't think you've mentioned where you reside, but I'm going to assume that it's in the west.

 

Surprising myself when I read your post, I'm finding myself self siding with your father's opinion, just not his means of enforcing it (that is quite sad).

 

That said, nobody can tell you what to do on such a significant decision, but perhaps we can provide you with topics to think about that might be difficult for you right now....

 

1) Your BF got involved with a Muslim woman, he is not religious but rather sounds agnostic ... non committal. Where did he think this would end up?

My fiance is orthodox christian, I'm not religious but more ... spiritual? I'm pretty certain my feet won't light on fire when I enter the church to get baptized or my hair fall out during the act, but I do feel a little of an imposter because I don't accept some of the things I must to be of her denomination. I do however hope I keep my hair, because I will not force her to turn her back on her faith especially given that I have none! Yep, when I saw she was marriage minded, I had to make that decision from the start.

 

2) Divorce rates in these times. They're pretty discouraging. Not that you turn into a marriage cynic, but boy, before giving up god and family, I would want some significant skin on the table.

If there is one thing I've learned in my many years, is there is always another "soul mate", another "the one". People change and grow.

My love at the time for my ex wife (of 14 years) who I was prepared to love forever (sadly not vice versa) does not even compete with the way I feel about my fiance now. My point is, is that your decision cannot be based on an "all or nothing" mentality because that is just Hollywood BS. You need to be smart about this!

 

3) Have you spoke about a prenuptial agreement? Does he want you to sign anything? If so, please pay attention to something ....

You're supposed to give up the security of your family, sign a piece of paper which prevents you from any security from him or his family ...

If there is a signing of a paper, you better make it in your favor. If he wants you to give up so much for him, he best put his money where his mouth is because that's what you're doing.

 

Other things you may consider ...

Your father might just be trying to look out for you, or impose his beliefs. Try to marry in to a Jewish family ... yikes! It matters not.

What you may try to do first is have your BF win over your father a little more (if they are sociable).

You may also make sure that divorce rate even above Muslims (in the US) is at about 30% (this assumes that he is worried you're going to get used up and dumped).

 

Listen J, you sound like a lovely woman. You deserve a "lovely" man. What would a lovely man do?

 

If you two decide to go for it, then my goodness, make sure you work on it. The grass is greener where you water it!

 

What ever you decide, good luck.

 

Z

 

 

Thanks Zimber!

We haven't discussed any prenuptial agreement. I thought about having my boyfriend get to know my dad a little better. I will have to think about it a little more. My father is very worried about the marriage having issues but he is most focused on whats happening right now. He is ok with me marrying my boyfriend if he converts bc then my marriage will be considered valid by him and the majority of the muslim population.

I will be thinking about all of these things, thanks again !

[Jessemj]

Your boyfriend won't convert but he is okay with you giving up your whole family for him?

 

If he converted, (and yes he'd be living a lie on some level to himself and his own belief system) would he have live the life of a muslim and do prayers, fast and adapt completely? Or would it be just on paper.

 

You're in a tough spot and I can see how hard this decision will be. Keep talking to your mom, it is possible she is more on your side than you realize.

 

Thanks!

The conversion, in my eyes, would just be on paper. I am not very religious but I'm more spiritual. I don't expect my boyfriend to practice. Even when I go home and my parents or siblings are praying, I don't. I don't fast all the time either. And if we got married, we wouldn't live close to my family. My family is in Texas and we are in Louisiana.

[Jessemj]

Having worked as a nanny for a Muslim family I can tell you this right now, if the OP's boyfriend converts just to please her parents, he will find that it is more than just a promise on paper. The OP and her boyfriend will be required to adhere to Muslim law with regards to marriage and family and community. So it's not something to treat lightly.

 

Muslim law doesn't allow interfaith marriages if the woman is Muslim, only if the man is Muslim. That's in the Qur'an.

 

OP I don't think you should allow your family or boyfriend to put you in the middle. Let your parents know that while you appreciate their concern, that you plan to marry you boyfriend and live a Western lifestyle if that's what you prefer. Emphasize to them that while your boyfriend won't convert, he will embrace the Islamic lifestyle and essentially become a casual Muslim, if that makes sense? That promise may lessen your dad's concern that you will give up your Muslim faith, which is probably where he's coming from.

 

I also know that you won't be allowed to have a Muslim wedding based on Muslim law, so a Western wedding in a church or a non-religious wedding would be two alternatives for you both to have a legally recognized marriage in the U.S.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks writergal!

This is exactly what I'm torn between. Do I say "Hey mom and dad, i respect you but this is my decision" or do I just not marry him.

Because if I marry him anyway, they will cut ties with me, unfortunately.

If my parents hadn't said they would cut ties with me, I would be married to my boyfriend already. I'm not really sure about Muslim laws regarding marriage and family and community.

I live on my own and support myself so the only time I am in, as I like to call it, "Pakistani-Muslim world", is when I go home. My parents finally have stopped asking me about religion. I'm relatively secular and on any other issue where I disagree with my parents, I put my foot down. This is the first time an issue has stopped me in my tracks.

 

I don't think they would go for the casual muslim thing unfortunately. My dad is so stubborn. And yes, I believe my dad is concerned about me losing my faith. I have tried to ease this but Im not sure if it had any affect.

 

There are some Imams now that conduct interfaith marriage between Muslim women and non-muslim men. They're not very common but they exist. There is a small portion of the Muslim population in the world that actually believes it is ok for muslim women to marry outside the faith. (I am one of them). But, unfortunately, the majority doesn't. And none of it helps me because its not what my dad adheres to :/

I disagree on a lot of religious views with my parents so I don't plan on living my life the same way they do. My dad believes that until his daughters are married, he is responsible for them (it's kind of sweet but mostly very frustrating!) So once I am married, he will no longer try to exert any authority. I have 2 married sisters and he doesn't say anything to them.

My dad knows I will make my own decision on this, and whatever I decide is it. But they're making things difficult for sure!

[Jessemj]

I agree, but it is what it is...Many cultures are like this, right or wrong, it's their belief system and tradition. I think she knew from the get-go the rules of the religion and her parents (dad most of all) views on this and relationships/marriage. It's doubtful there weren't signs a long the way that her parents would disapprove of marriage.

 

 

It's definitely emotional manipulation. And I have thought about this situation in the same perspective as Accrosstheuniverse. And I still switch back and forth. Sometimes I think, "I gotta just do it and break free" but then I start thinking about the feelings of others...blaaaaaah.... i'm struggling.

 

I knew my parents would not be super happy about my decision to marry a non-muslim but I never expected for them to give me an ultimatum. I didn't think they were the kind of parents to do that. Because like I said, if they hadn't given me this ultimatum, I would be married already. I am ok with showing my parents I disagree with them and showing them that I am going to do what I set my mind to, but the prospect of not having them in my life is making me think a little longer about this situation. It is very mean for them to throw an ultimatum in my face and no matter what choice I make, I will feel anger towards them for it. Their perspective on this situation is completely different from mine.

[Eivuwan]

Her BF hasn't really got religious views, he believes in God but that's about it, it's not like he's a devout catholic for whom converting would mean the same some of social exclusion that he's expecting her suffer through. I agree you can't make somebody believe in something they don't, but how many people get married in church because their partners family is Christian? How many people who marry in church actually believe in God?

 

If my H was Muslim then I would rather convert, be able to marry him with his families consent and make an old man happy than rip his family apart and have a sad H who may resent me.

 

So what? Just because he's not a devout Catholic or whatever doesn't mean that his values are not important to him. Maybe it is very important to him to not live a lie or to be true to himself. Maybe that is more important to him than love. Personally, I would put integrity and self-respect over love.

[writergal]

JesseMJ: It boils down to this, if you want to marry your boyfriend and can find an Imam or a priest to marry you two then I think you should do it. I think if you explain your decision to your father he will respect you in the end. If both your sisters married Muslim men then your father should leave you alone. It is YOUR LIFE after all. Only you know if your parents will follow through on their threats to alienate you and estrange themselves from you and your fiance. And maybe they will for a while, until they realize that they were foolish to be so strident because the loss (their daughter) is much more than the gain (their need to control you).

 

I think you should marry your boyfriend. Let the chips fall where they may. No one can foresee the outcome. Threats by your parents might just be empty, an intimidation tactic to force you to give up your true love so that you can remain under their control (however misguided it is, and it is).

 

If this man is the love of your life, no one and nothing should prevent you from being with him.

 

Be strong. Follow your heart. As long as you are true to yourself you will be happy.

[Jessemj]

Thank you to everyone who responded! I appreciate all of the different opinions and insights. I feel a tad better about the situation. I want to marry my boyfriend and I am going to tell my parents and that's it. I will try to post an update of what happens. It might be a while from now...