Girlfriend dog issues

[Eclypse]

My girlfriend is an animal lover. And by that I mean fairly hardcore. She's vegeterian, works with animals, always talks about them. She had a dog she loved very much who was killed last year. She still cries and is depressed about him almost a year later and always talks about how she wants a new dog. However she said she'd never love another animal like she loved her old dog.

 

Anyway, now she's looking into getting a new dog. We're living together now so it would be our dog, but I guess hers mainly. She was very insistent on it. I can tell she's very emotional. But the thing that makes me uncomfortable is that she wants a dog that is the exact same breed mix he was, the same colour, same sex etc. Theres something about this that just doesn't feel right to me. I'm not sure how to put it exactly. I'm not sure how to bring it up with her. Thigs already get a bit tense when we talk about animals because she thinks I don't like animals as much as her. That's true, although I don't mind them. But this getting a new dog that looks just like her old dog thing is just a bit creepy.

 

Any advice on what to do? Maybe it's nothing and I'm just over reacting? She wants this dog ASAP so she wants us to go trawling through animal shelters every weekend till we find a dog that looks just like him.

[Art_Critic]

The dog I grew up with as a youngster was in TV commercials, GravyTrain and the Kodak dog.. I loved the dog so much when I was young that when I moved out of the house and bought my own house the first thing I did was buy an Old English Sheep dog like the one I grew up with, I had that dog for 15 years and still think it was the best decision ever...

 

So my advice is that to me "No" it isn't creepy and just jump on for the ride, chances are that Dog will become your best friend too...

[thefooloftheyear]

I love animals and have had animals my whole life..That being said, there is just something off about people who are rabid animal lovers...Are they going to take in every stray that they hear about and turn your place into a menagerie?

 

Taking on an animal like a dog, and giving it the proper home and addressing all of its needs, is almost as tough as having a kid..Your life isnt your own, you cant do practically anything without worrying about the dog and whether or not its tearing up your place or shytting all over your carpet. Dogs are great, but if your life isnt all in order, its a royal pain in the ass..

 

Also consider the vegan thing...Are you as well.? If you arent(I am assuming you arent-or you would have mentioned it) Does she give you a hard time every time you eat a cheeseburger?

 

Eh...This deal wouldnt be for me, but I hope you get what you need out of it...

 

TFY

[d0nnivain]

Some people are breed loyal. All of my dogs are male Dalmatians.

 

You are over thinking it. She's really not trying to reincarnate her old dog.

[Shepp]

When the dog I grew up with died (god id I love that dog) I got a puppy like the next week, I really wanted another Labrador, because....not because I wanted a replacement, no dog would ever be that but because I guess I wanted a similar dog, but I ended up with a Labrador/husky cross (although he looks more Labrador) in a similar colour to my old dog.

 

Anyway he could not be more different! He's a complete fruit loop! And I wouldn't have it any other way - you love them for who they are, like your kids - you wouldn't want them all the same.

 

So even if you get the same breed it wont be her old dog, it will be totally different, it might do somethings similar, but it will be completely different in other ways and you'll both love that about it!

 

I went on to add another dog, a great dane, I found him in a shelter.

I think getting a new dog after your first dog is the hardest - I defienetly understand some breed loyalty there.....now having had more breeds i'm much more open to all different breeds.

[Shepp]

Some people are breed loyal. All of my dogs are male Dalmatians.

 

You are over thinking it. She's really not trying to reincarnate her old dog.

 

Dalmations are very cool dogs!!

[MidwestUSA]

Some people are breed loyal. All of my dogs are male Dalmatians.

 

You are over thinking it. She's really not trying to reincarnate her old dog.

 

 

 

^this^

 

I got a second male Brittany after losing my first. As long as she's not taking in every animal off the street and living like a pauper because she spends all her money on animals. Frankly, I'm surprised she's lasted a year; I never made it more than six weeks after losing one.

 

As for your trawling, it's quite likely she'll find a dog that catches her eye even tho he's nothing like her beloved.

[sweetjasmine]

I find it kind of creepy, too, since she's looking over plenty of good dogs who need homes just as badly only because they don't look exactly like her other dog. But if she's really set on getting a dog just like the one she had, either don't push the issue or approach it very, very gently.

[JamesM]

Some people are breed loyal. All of my dogs are male Dalmatians.

 

You are over thinking it. She's really not trying to reincarnate her old dog.

 

Ditto.

 

I prefer boxers, and I would have no problem wanting to find the exact match for a dog of mine that died.

 

I haven't yet, because the only negative is that you think the new dog will act like the old dog. But I know of many dog lovers that like a particular breed (or even mixed breed) with the same color and sex. This is not considered creepy.

 

I will suggest that you decide if her attachment to dogs is a problem for you. My wife has learned to love dogs as much as I...or rather the ones we have had, but she still has never had the same enjoyment and appreciation for dogs as I do.

 

Mourning a dog a year later? I completely understand. I lost one about five years ago, and still look at pics of her and remember her. BUT the big difference for me is that she has been "replaced" by a new and very special dog. I think your GF needs a new dog but only she can decide this and when.

[Agent Orange]

I know with parents of pure bred dogs and cats, there seems to be a preference but if her dog was a mutt, I dunno. It's not creepy but it may not be entirely possible to find a mutt that looks "just like" the one she lost.

 

She's right when she says she'll never love a new dog as much as the last one. I've never loved any of my dogs the exact same way - I don't think it's possible. It sounds like she's looking for a replacement instead of a substitute. If you can, try to suggest a dog that looks slightly different than the last one. My first dog was a shepherd/collie mix, two months after he died we got a chow mix with very similar coloring and hair. After he died, I went in the opposite direction and got a shaggy black dog. My point is, I tried to replace my first dog with one that was extremely similar and wound up even more devastated he died. It felt like losing them both all over again.

 

I agree with James M though, your GF will know when she is ready to…not move on, but move in different direction.

[Lady2163]

Some people are breed loyal, but I would voice your concerns to her that you are worried she is trying to replicate Fido #1. Don't make it sound like you are refusing to get a dog, that will cause an argument (I think).

 

Oh - and you don't need to physically trawl shelters...most of them have Internet sites now. Plus, she can email them and tell them what she is looming for.

 

And, as has already been mentioned, a bigger concern would be animal hoarding.

[iris219]

I find it kind of creepy, too, since she's looking over plenty of good dogs who need homes just as badly only because they don't look exactly like her other dog.

 

This^

 

If your gf is really a "hardcore" animal lover, there's no way she's going to reject all the other great dogs in the shelter. She'll want to adopt one.

 

I find it weird, personally, because as a dog lover myself I'd care more about rescuing an animal from a shelter than finding a specific type of dog.

[Got it]

I love animals and have had animals my whole life..That being said, there is just something off about people who are rabid animal lovers...Are they going to take in every stray that they hear about and turn your place into a menagerie?

 

Taking on an animal like a dog, and giving it the proper home and addressing all of its needs, is almost as tough as having a kid..Your life isnt your own, you cant do practically anything without worrying about the dog and whether or not its tearing up your place or shytting all over your carpet. Dogs are great, but if your life isnt all in order, its a royal pain in the ass..

 

Also consider the vegan thing...Are you as well.? If you arent(I am assuming you arent-or you would have mentioned it) Does she give you a hard time every time you eat a cheeseburger?

 

Eh...This deal wouldnt be for me, but I hope you get what you need out of it...

 

TFY

 

What I find funny about the bolded is that having been a vegetarian most of my life I see far more meat eaters make it their campaign to harass those that eat meat than the other way around. I never tell someone how they should eat but good lord they feel the right and the desire to tell me how I should. Almost like a guilty conscience.

 

I agree that if she is so much into animal rights that adopting would be the way to go. I think you should bring up your concerns that she is trying to replace her old dog with a new one and that will be hard on the new one. No matter how alike it will be it can never be exactly and shouldn't be expected to be.

 

I have had a lot of animals over the years and there are a few that just hit you harder. I put down one of my horses a year ago and I just started riding again. I just couldn't get on after him and I still cry over that guy. Not sure why, we just had a bond that was unique.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm a dog behaviourist and to be honest, this girl needs therapy.

She's projecting far too much dependence on this issue.

[dragon_fly_7]

I would be wondering if she's really a true and genuine animal lover because if she was then there would be no preference over choosing which dog at a shelter needs love.

 

True animal lovers aren't set on only a specific breed. They actually care about providing love and security to an animal, regardless of breed. By ignoring those other breeds that need your love, you're aren't a real animal lover but just someone that loved and misses a previous dog.

 

Not a dog person myself but I don't know if I would be dating someone that claims to be an animal lover but only focuses on a specific breed exactly like the one they had. I have no problems if a bf wants a dog but to keep projecting like that would be concerning to me too. I don't find this normal.

Edited March 18, 2014 by dragon_fly_7

[JamesM]

I'm a dog behaviourist and to be honest, this girl needs therapy.

She's projecting far too much dependence on this issue.

 

A dog behaviorist does not a people behaviorist make. And no, I am not one either.

 

I agree with you most all of the time (except maybe in the religion area ) but I don't see that this is a therapy issue. It is an offshoot of her grieving. Whether it is harmful, that is the question but I don't necessarily think so.

 

In time, I am guessing that if she doesn't find an exact match, then she will get one that is a close match. Forcing her to get a dog that is not what she wants won't help either IMO.

 

I would be wondering if she's really a true and genuine animal lover because if she was then there would be no preference over choosing which dog at a shelter needs love.

 

 

Deciding which dog needs love versus deciding to which dog you will give a home are completely two separate issues.

 

Actually, one of the reasons that dogs end up in shelters so often is BECAUSE people don't choose specific breeds for their lifestyles. So many choose a dog because it needs a home and they feel sorry for it, or they like the looks because of a movie or they think it is a cool dog to have. And when it comes to actually living with the dog, they find that this isn't the dog for them. So off to the shelter goes the dog.

 

I chose a boxer after alot of research and interaction with them. If I chose a dog based on what I liked, then it would have been a collie. But being that the attributes of a collie don't match my family or our lifestyle, then I found that a boxer fits best. Fifteen years later and two dogs later, I still feel that this is the best breed for us. And I will look for that specific breed in the future if it is still the best breed for us. While I would love to give a home to every dog (and yes, it is tough not to get them all), I know that this will not be a good thing for them or me.

 

I am well known as a "dog lover." I am lucky to have a wife who restrains me from finding a way to add more animals to our house when it is not feasible for them or us. And I highly applaud anyone who realizes that not every breed is for them.

 

I think this woman is simply trying to find that dog that will give her the same connection that she had with her previous one, and in her mind, the exact physical match will be the best way to make that possible.

[TaraMaiden]

A dog behaviorist does not a people behaviorist make. And no, I am not one either.

Actually, there are more similarities than you would believe... I'm about to actually start a Counselling course, and some of the preliminary literature sounds like stuff Ii already use in D.Behaviourism!

 

I agree with you most all of the time (except maybe in the religion area ) but I don't see that this is a therapy issue. It is an offshoot of her grieving. Whether it is harmful, that is the question but I don't necessarily think so.....In time, I am guessing that if she doesn't find an exact match, then she will get one that is a close match. Forcing her to get a dog that is not what she wants won't help either IMO.

From what the OP states regarding this issue, she may not be happy with that....

I don't think anyone would 'force her' to get a dog that's not what she wants, but I think an awful lot of people are wondering, if she's the animal lover she pronounces herself to be, why she is so fixated on this specific issue....

 

And I think we've come to an 'understanding' regarding religious issues.

At least, we've never come to blows...

 

[thefooloftheyear]

What I find funny about the bolded is that having been a vegetarian most of my life I see far more meat eaters make it their campaign to harass those that eat meat than the other way around. I never tell someone how they should eat but good lord they feel the right and the desire to tell me how I should. Almost like a guilty conscience.

 

I agree that if she is so much into animal rights that adopting would be the way to go. I think you should bring up your concerns that she is trying to replace her old dog with a new one and that will be hard on the new one. No matter how alike it will be it can never be exactly and shouldn't be expected to be.

 

I have had a lot of animals over the years and there are a few that just hit you harder. I put down one of my horses a year ago and I just started riding again. I just couldn't get on after him and I still cry over that guy. Not sure why, we just had a bond that was unique.

 

 

Its kinda hard for a meat eater to call a vegan names(like murderer, etc-as MANY vegans do)...I have no issue either way, just that in some cases, two people that differ in these areas are sometimes going to run into compatibility problems at some point....

 

As for the dogs...I dont think its too bad to be breed specifc....It it was up to me I wouldn't own anything but a Pit Bull or Rottweiler...I do like all dogs though...Just my preference...

 

I still say I wouldnt feel comfortable with anyone who is obsessed with animals..Then, like a lot of other things-something positive becomes a negative..

 

YMMV..

 

TFY

[Eclypse]

Thanks for all the responses. It's just been a bit hard finding time to log on to type a response.

 

She says she's a hardcore animal lover. I do agree with her. She really does love them. But she is insistent on getting a dog that looks like her old one. She had pets as kids, but they all died of natural causes. This dog died in an accident and she's still traumatised and falls into a catatonic depressive state at least once a week thinking about him. I tried to encourage her to seek therapy but she insists she's fine. Im guessing his sudden death was why she wants this... maybe she feels it's like a second chance? The dog was a mutt so it's not easy finding a dog that's identical in appearance and behaviour.

 

I guess I'll just keep supporting her. I can't control her ultimately. She'll have to make a decision concerning her pet. It was hard enough convincing her we shouldn't get a zoo of animals (I would go crazy).

 

Btw, she's fine with me eating meat, although I've essentially become a vegetarian with her now. Lol. It's not so bad actually. Some really tasty food.

 

One last thing though. I asked her if she liked my dog. She just said my dog was cute but she looks and acts nothing like her old dog, so she couldn't love her. That was one of the comments that worried me initially. She says getting this dog is the only thing that will make her happy. I'm just worried that it might not... that she's riding too much on this and that it might not make things better at all. After all the new dog still won't be her old one reincarnated..

[TaraMaiden]

One thing I learned as a behaviourist/canine therapist, is that there is more of a difference in behaviour in dogs WITHIN breeds, than between breeds themselves.

 

No - she will NEVER find a dog to match her old one.

YES, I agree with you, she really could do with therapy.

 

That she cannot 'love' your dog is troubling, because although she purports to adore animals and would have a menagerie if she could, bearing that attitude about a pet that is already present, smacks to me more of a psychological need for unconditional love, than an unfettered compassion for our so-called 'dumb' friends....

 

I'm sticking my neck out here, but this 'love' focussed on animals, seems to be feeding a personal need within herself, something seeking personal validation through affection for those that can't emotionally hurt her back.

 

The fact that she is emotionally hurt to this extent by her dog's demise, and how she's working through it, seems skewed.

 

But that's just my viewpoint.

I'm jut looking at a screen with words, here.....

[thefooloftheyear]

Thanks for all the responses. It's just been a bit hard finding time to log on to type a response.

 

She says she's a hardcore animal lover. I do agree with her. She really does love them. But she is insistent on getting a dog that looks like her old one. She had pets as kids, but they all died of natural causes. This dog died in an accident and she's still traumatised and falls into a catatonic depressive state at least once a week thinking about him. I tried to encourage her to seek therapy but she insists she's fine. Im guessing his sudden death was why she wants this... maybe she feels it's like a second chance? The dog was a mutt so it's not easy finding a dog that's identical in appearance and behaviour.

 

I guess I'll just keep supporting her. I can't control her ultimately. She'll have to make a decision concerning her pet. It was hard enough convincing her we shouldn't get a zoo of animals (I would go crazy).

 

Btw, she's fine with me eating meat, although I've essentially become a vegetarian with her now. Lol. It's not so bad actually. Some really tasty food.

 

One last thing though. I asked her if she liked my dog. She just said my dog was cute but she looks and acts nothing like her old dog, so she couldn't love her. That was one of the comments that worried me initially. She says getting this dog is the only thing that will make her happy. I'm just worried that it might not... that she's riding too much on this and that it might not make things better at all. After all the new dog still won't be her old one reincarnated..

 

Yikes....

 

I agree with the last poster....Forget about the dog search for now and see if you can get her some help...This doesnt sound "normal" or healthy...

 

.02

 

TFY

[Got it]

Its kinda hard for a meat eater to call a vegan names(like murderer, etc-as MANY vegans do)...I have no issue either way, just that in some cases, two people that differ in these areas are sometimes going to run into compatibility problems at some point....

 

As for the dogs...I dont think its too bad to be breed specifc....It it was up to me I wouldn't own anything but a Pit Bull or Rottweiler...I do like all dogs though...Just my preference...

 

I still say I wouldnt feel comfortable with anyone who is obsessed with animals..Then, like a lot of other things-something positive becomes a negative..

 

YMMV..

 

TFY

 

Trust me it isn't. It isn't about name calling, but about questioning the decision, a long drawn out diatribe about why eating meat is actually "meant to be" blah blah blah, I don't care, blah blah blah (and all this time I want to eat my tasty veggie dish and you can eat your steak. Reminds me of the old poem:

 

"Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean, and betwixt the both of them they licked their platters clean."

 

In regards to animal obsession. My mother has a colony of cats living in her house. I know animal crazy. Trust me. I would run from that vibe any day.

[TaraMaiden]

There are few topics on a Buddhist forum likely to get people on the off/defensive more than vegetarianism -

Both 'sides' feel they need to justify their positions, and sometimes, I really need to step in and wield the naughty stick when members become a little.... 'confrontational'....(I'm a mod there....)

 

I'm in a weird situation in that I am vegetarian for medical reasons; I really do love and enjoy meat but have to avoid it for my health; but I am becoming increasingly influenced by the 'compassionate grounds' brigade.

However, I will never join the "Meat is Murder!" masses.... it's just not kind.

 

 

 

 

I think everyone needs to develop their own policy/principles and stick with them insofar as they wish, but be open to suggestion and other opinions.

I think that would be best.

 

Are we off-topic, or what....?

[Anela]

It isn't creepy, but twice, we looked at dogs similar to two that we'd had (different times) and they were nothing like them. (obviously - they were different dogs altogether.) I have a real soft spot for Spaniels, but love the labrador we had, and the little cocker/beagle/coonhound/whatever mixes that my little ones were/are - they're such fun, and so sweet.

 

I love animals and have had animals my whole life..That being said, there is just something off about people who are rabid animal lovers...Are they going to take in every stray that they hear about and turn your place into a menagerie?

 

*ahem*

 

They're certainly better company than some people that I've met, and/or had to exist with under the same roof. My "colony of cats" gave me something to look forward to every day, after my dog Emily died - she was a piece of my heart. A feral cat I'd made friends with had kittens, and trusted us enough to take them into our garage, once they started to walk and explore. So I helped her to take care of them, keep them safe, and now one of them is purring on my lap, cuddled into me. the others are around.

 

Animals have always been there, when people have sucked - really been awful - so they will always be a part of my life.

[TaraMaiden]

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”

― Andy Rooney

 

“If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.”

― Will Rogers

 

 

Ooooh, yeah.