simplicity1 Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Hi all, I came across a photo of my ex and me from a funny night when we were hanging out together. The photo was from a year after breaking up when we were still trying to be friends. I realized that we hadn't spoken in many months now that we live in different places, and I was feeling stable enough and distant enough from things to justify contacting him just to see what was up. For brief background, we dated for about 1.5 years, then got back together briefly a year later, broke up again, and then (with great struggle) we managed to remain friendly (get meals on occasion, work together on coursework), without any other slips. Now that we're living in separate places we've stopped talking, it seems. I've moved on a lot and gotten over a lot of deep and intense emotion for him (which is easier to do when not living in the same place). But I would love it if our very long term outcome was really to preserve a friendship, because he was a really important person to me and I feel like I've done the due diligence to cope with my intense emotions and let enough time pass. (it's now been 2 solid years since we were together/intimate in any capacity). Anyway, I emailed him this photo a few days ago with 2 lines about what a funny night that was, and just said I'd love to hear about your life. It's now been 1.5 days and he didn't respond to the email. What does this mean? Is he just surprised to receive the email from me? Has he decided to ex me from his life entirely, now that we're in different places? (ps. It's a pleasure to be able to speak about him without the intensity of emotion I used to feel any time I thought about the breakup. I really am in a place where I could entertain light contact with him and not be excessively affected by it, or at least I THINK so)
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Hes not ready yet x I feel in a good place to finally (10 months later) speak to my ex honestly just as friends but I wont contact him and I know he isnt quite at that point yet as the last time we spoke he was still very angry... u may well find u get a message out the blue from him... everyone moves on at their own rate x
NomiMalone Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 It's only been 1.5 days, so give it time. He might simply be taking his time to think about what to say in reply. Or he might not be. The truth is that there is absolutely no way of knowing what's going on in the other person's mind. When getting in contact with an ex, or breaking NC, one should always be prepared for the possibility of not receiving a reply, even though we might contact them with the best of intentions. I hope you hear back from him soon! 1
StGeorge22 Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Yeah it's only been a few days give it time. Do you know if he is seeing anyone else? Possibly he may be with someone else and may need to discuss it with her before he responds
Author simplicity1 Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 So, he responded in a friendly way, and also said that if I'm ever in his city we should hang out. I responded like half an hour later telling him a few things about my life and proposing a Skype. (Didnt want to play the game of 'you waited 2 days so I will too, I just wanted to respond.) And again, I know he read it bc he was online but now he didn't respond last night! Could it possibly be that he's seeing someone?! (I really don't think so..) doubting the Skype? Or is this just not his priority? Sigh. Contacting an ex inevitably comes with complexities
Frank13 Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 (edited) The only time you should contact an ex is when you are so completely over them that you have no desire to contact them. In other words, never. Edited March 17, 2014 by Frank13 3
yorkie Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 i got to say i am confused with this why would you want to contact your ex? unless you want them in your life? me personally yes i miss her but she did the dirty on me and dont ever want to talk to her again.
TaraMaiden Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Hi all, I came across a photo of my ex and me from a funny night when we were hanging out together. ..... Now that we're living in separate places we've stopped talking, it seems. I've moved on a lot and gotten over a lot of deep and intense emotion for him (which is easier to do when not living in the same place). .....I really am in a place where I could entertain light contact with him and not be excessively affected by it, or at least I THINK so) So, he responded in a friendly way, and also said that if I'm ever in his city we should hang out. I responded like half an hour later telling him a few things about my life and proposing a Skype. (Didnt want to play the game of 'you waited 2 days so I will too, I just wanted to respond.) And again, I know he read it bc he was online but now he didn't respond last night! Could it possibly be that he's seeing someone?! (I really don't think so..) doubting the Skype? Or is this just not his priority? Sigh. Contacting an ex inevitably comes with complexities You are so clearly not completely over him. if you were, you really wouldn't be posting here, recounting this story and wondering whether you're doing the right thing (you're not) and what he's thinking//doing/feeling (who cares - ?!) So what if he IS dating someone else? good for him! You should be doing likewise. You clearly have not reached the level of indifference required to give a fiddler's elbow whether he ever replies or not. in fact, had you reached said level, you wouldn't even have considered contacting him in the first place. Complexities? All self-generated, I'm afraid.... Big mistake awakening the sleeping dog. If you're not careful it will bite you on the assumptions.... 1
BC1980 Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Contacting an ex inevitably comes with complexities Yes, and that is why people preach NC. It's awkward and weird; it's not a relationship that is forming organically unless it's years down the line, and both people are over the other. It's not worth anyone's time quite frankly. I'm sure you have other friends to invest in. 1
Standard-Fare Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 I agree with the others on the subtext you're giving here: You don't seem to be 100 percent over this, so it's probably not a great idea to be engaging in a lot of contact with him. Think about it, if you contacted a normal friend from the past and they delayed a couple days on their response, would you really analyze that or stress over it? You sent him your ex a funny pic from the past and got a positive response -- that's great, but it should be the end of that interaction. Coming back at him to propose a Skype chat is like, "Great, you opened the door a crack, and now I want to open it all the way." Keep your contact limited and sporadic and don't expect too much from it. Friendly exchanges to catch up with each other once in a while are probably the best you can expect right now. 2
Author simplicity1 Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 I agree with the others on the subtext you're giving here: You don't seem to be 100 percent over this, so it's probably not a great idea to be engaging in a lot of contact with him. Think about it, if you contacted a normal friend from the past and they delayed a couple days on their response, would you really analyze that or stress over it? You sent him your ex a funny pic from the past and got a positive response -- that's great, but it should be the end of that interaction. Coming back at him to propose a Skype chat is like, "Great, you opened the door a crack, and now I want to open it all the way." Keep your contact limited and sporadic and don't expect too much from it. Friendly exchanges to catch up with each other once in a while are probably the best you can expect right now. Hmm...damnit. This all seems pretty on target. Guess I should have been happy with the positive reply, considered it a good small step towards the direction of friendship in the very long term, and left it at that.
TaraMaiden Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Nothing. You do nothing at all. You forget you contacted him, and shelve the 'skype' idea indefinitely. If he contacts you, then you ignore it. Yup, that's right. delete it. Leave it be, and go the good ol' 'No Contact' route. You did it before, you can do it again.
Standard-Fare Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Well, a lot of people here push the "No Contact is the only way to go" rule, and I understand and agree with it to a certain extent. But there's another side of me that thinks sometimes exes CAN be friendly with each other under the right circumstances, and that maybe this is a more natural and compassionate solution for two people who were so intimate at one point and shared a part of their lives together. It really just depends on the situation. To me it sounds great that you and your ex are able to have non-hostile exchanges to catch up with each other every now and then. That's much better than many exes can hope for. I'd just be grateful for that and not press it too much. And also be sure you have NO expectations from it -- you guys are over and leading separate lives now. The Skype suggestion was out of line. (IMO it seems almost like a demand for intimacy -- like, "email isn't enough, I need to see your FACE.") Best to let it go. Even if he gets back to you in a few days about that, don't suggest it again. In general, best not to engage in ANY sort of prolonged back-and-forths where you start to fret about responses from him. It really should just be like "Just checking in, hey, glad you're good, bye now."
Author simplicity1 Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 In my defense re:Skype suggestion- he asked in his response to me when I'd be back in his city and if we could hang out when I am. Since I won't be back there for a very long time, that's why I felt ok in the moment proposing the Skype (if he's willing to/ wants to meet up then he shouldn't freak out over a video chat?) Anyway, all of your larger points are well taken though and it would have been better still for me to have left it at the friendly check in without asking for more, I guess?
TaraMaiden Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 It would have been better if you hadn't even ever contacted him at all. Now look where you are.... As I suggested, just go No Contact and try to forget this ever happened.
Simon Phoenix Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Yeah, I agree with the group. You aren't over him if you are asking so many questions about this, that or the other. I mean, if you could really be friendly with this person without feelings you wouldn't be devising contact strategies. You'd just contact when you felt like it, answer when you felt like it, and not give it a second thought. If one of your friends or relatives doesn't call or text back right away, do you freak out and ask the questions you are asking? I seriously doubt it. Do you sometimes forget to call people back you are friends with? I'm sure you do. Do they freak out about it? I doubt it. You aren't capable of being friends with this guy at this point. It's fairly obvious. Just back away. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 In my defense re:Skype suggestion- he asked in his response to me when I'd be back in his city and if we could hang out when I am. Since I won't be back there for a very long time, that's why I felt ok in the moment proposing the Skype (if he's willing to/ wants to meet up then he shouldn't freak out over a video chat?) This was a meaningless, empty statement by him. Much like you tell an old friend from high school years after graduation. Of course, you have no intention of following through. Neither does he...
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