Idkhwmfty Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 I recently ended my 6 year relationship as I found out he was married. I am struggling about telling his wife. When we casually started up, he was ending it with her, the fiancée. Moved out, financially separated, got his own place. A year later we we head over heels in love. 3 years in, he said he ran into her, was confused about feelings, needed to break up with me to figure it out. I was devastated, pleaded with him not to go, but he did. 3 months later, he came back, told me I was the one, not her. We eventually got back to where we were. Recently found out he had actually started back up with her before break up, and continued both relationships, and married her a year and a half ago, all while maintaining with me (common work friends, family vacations over holidays with me, staying at my place 3 nights a week, etc). Still baffled at how he got away with it. Clearly they don't have a conventional or truthful marriage. It is 100% over. Read him the riot act and kicked him out when I found out. I got the typical i love her, but am in love with you story. I absolutely deserve better. We have not spoken since. I'm struggling with telling his wife, simply because I wish someone would have told me. He robbed me of that choice, if I wanted to be second or not. She married him under complete false pretenses. I feel like she deserves to know. I don't know her at all and he claimed she has no knowledge of me. I'm not looking to get him back but am conflicted. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
jwi71 Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 simply because I wish someone would have told me. So, you wish to be the person who knows yet does nothing - despite the above. The same feeling that prompted that sentence is your answer. He robbed me of that choice, if I wanted to be second or not. She married him under complete false pretenses. So you choose instead to rob HER of HER choice. I feel like she deserves to know. I don't know her at all and he claimed she has no knowledge of me. I'm not looking to get him back but am conflicted. You feel she deserves to know...so tell her. Otherwise...be the person who knows, who feels as you do, who wrote all you did - and does nothing. Who are you - the woman who merely writes about doing right - or the woman who DOES right? 6
Hope Shimmers Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 So, you wish to be the person who knows yet does nothing - despite the above. The same feeling that prompted that sentence is your answer. So you choose instead to rob HER of HER choice. You feel she deserves to know...so tell her. Otherwise...be the person who knows, who feels as you do, who wrote all you did - and does nothing. Who are you - the woman who merely writes about doing right - or the woman who DOES right? I don't understand this post.... how is she robbing the W of her choice by saying she wants to tell her?
Hope Shimmers Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Yes you should tell his wife. I hardly ever say that, but in this case, absolutely. 1
BetrayedH Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Has anyone been in a similar situation? Sure, a ton of people. Some of them chose right and some chose wrong. Which will you decide? I suspect you know the right answer. It's not difficult to discern. But it does take courage. That's what you really need to find. 1
HermioneG Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 I don't understand this post.... how is she robbing the W of her choice by saying she wants to tell her? Because the OP has not told her yet and is unsure.
Ruffian1 Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 It is 100% over. So what is holding you back from tell the W the truth? You know it is the right thing to do.
devilish innocent Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 The man is practically a bigamist. I would tell her. Gather up whatever evidence you have in case she's interested in seeing it.
Happy01 Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Be prepared for the wife you tell you she's always known. How did you find out about her?
Author Idkhwmfty Posted March 16, 2014 Author Posted March 16, 2014 Thanks for the responses. I am unsure of whether to do this because I am not sure what I will gain from this, I am not a vindictive person and also because I will be potentially destroying her and their family (5 combined college kids). But there always is the chance she has known, or accepted that he was not always around her 100% as he could have easily used work as an excuse for the overnights. I found out by reading his text messages in his phone. Which I had never ever done before. I guess deep down I had a strange feeling that made me do it that morning. He always kept his phone close to him, away from me where my phone was fair game for both of us. That's how I confronted him, he admitted being married but told some lies about the how, when, etc and then I pieced the rest together via Facebook. Actually found their wedding photos (I was in London for the Olympics when they married).
Ruffian1 Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 I am not sure what I will gain from this, The only thing you can gain is knowing you did the right thing. (If that means anything to you). If she already knows then no harm done. Destroying her family? No, that would be on his shoulders, you would be giving her the truth about her life. If I were her and did not know - I would be thankful that you gave me the truth. 2
snappytomcat Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 ugh what a mess this jerk has made,i would definitely tell the poor wife,she should know what kind of man shes married to,and usually I don't believe its the om/ow place to tell the bs,but in this case yes good luck,in whatever you decide to do
KaliLove Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Thanks for the responses. I am unsure of whether to do this because I am not sure what I will gain from this, I am not a vindictive person and also because I will be potentially destroying her and their family (5 combined college kids). But there always is the chance she has known, or accepted that he was not always around her 100% as he could have easily used work as an excuse for the overnights. I found out by reading his text messages in his phone. Which I had never ever done before. I guess deep down I had a strange feeling that made me do it that morning. He always kept his phone close to him, away from me where my phone was fair game for both of us. That's how I confronted him, he admitted being married but told some lies about the how, when, etc and then I pieced the rest together via Facebook. Actually found their wedding photos (I was in London for the Olympics when they married). You haven't destroyed anything, he has. She deserves to know. If you truly didn't know, and I believe that you didn't, then you have not done anything wrong. He is the bad guy and his wife deserves to know who she's married to. My vote is for telling her. If it was you, wouldn't you want to know? 1
Fluttershy Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 I am a bs and so as the vast majority of us say. We would want to know no matter the source. My H confessed but had he not I would have wanted her to. Somebody comeing clean. Anybody. As you were also decieved you can't even feel remotely like you owe him anything. If she knows. Well who cares if you tell her what she already knows. If she doesn't and doesn't want to she will believe whatever Bullcrap he hands her. If she doesn't but does want to know she will be glad someone let her know. There is a good chance he will find someone to replace you. Which means eveb without you he will continue to crap on their marriage. When you let her know be sure to have any hard evidence available for her. So he doesn't pass you off as a crazy biatch. Don't give him a headsup. That is a huge mistake. It won't make him come clean but rather give him a chance to do damage control.
jellybean89 Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Thanks for the responses. I am unsure of whether to do this because I am not sure what I will gain from this, I am not a vindictive person and also because I will be potentially destroying her and their family (5 combined college kids). But there always is the chance she has known, or accepted that he was not always around her 100% as he could have easily used work as an excuse for the overnights. I found out by reading his text messages in his phone. Which I had never ever done before. I guess deep down I had a strange feeling that made me do it that morning. He always kept his phone close to him, away from me where my phone was fair game for both of us. That's how I confronted him, he admitted being married but told some lies about the how, when, etc and then I pieced the rest together via Facebook. Actually found their wedding photos (I was in London for the Olympics when they married). Why do you think she knows and is okay with it? Do people really know a lot of women who turn a blind eye to their cheating spouse? I see that a lot here and I don't get it because I don't know any woman who would turn a blind eye! Or is that you just trying to make excuses - such as "its okay that we kept seeing each other - his wife didn't care". You said you found out by reading his text messages and he always kept his phone close to him. That should have been your red flag years ago. Most couples have trust in their relationship and if someone is shielding their phone from their significant other, that should be a reason to be suspicioius. Why do you need to gain something from this???? Wouldn't YOU want to know? Even in your own situation, wouldn't you have wanted to know prior to snooping on his phone? Wouldn't you have wanted someone to tell you he was married? Would that have stopped you from seeing him? Telling his wife isn't about what you will gain -- it is about doing the RIGHT thing. Did you and he use protection? If not, he has now exposed her to the risk of STD's. She has a right to know that he has been lying to her. As for him staying with you and vacations, FYI - married men LIE. He may have told her he was out of town for work. He may have told her his buddy was going through a hard time. Who knows and does it matter what lies he told her? What matters is her being given the opportunity to know what heinous things he has done behind her back. While she was loving him, trusting him, being loyal to him -- he was cheating on her, deceiving her and lying to her. Do unto others as you would like done to you. yes you should tell her. 3
jwi71 Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 I don't understand this post.... how is she robbing the W of her choice by saying she wants to tell her? Because OP knows who her H is and the W does not. This information is, at the least, important for his W - to decide if her M, her H, is worth continuing or not. As of now, she believes he is a loyal and faithful spouse, that the M is strong and exclusive - clearly not. So, OP, knowing this, robs the BS of the truth of her H and M and thus HER life, her future, her ability to choose.
Leegh Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 I would not tell her, as this would cause you great stress and her great stress. No need to open a "can of worms". There is nothing to gain from it. If you do indeed tell her, you will have to be prepared to reply to her if she contacts you, etc., and this will only add to your stress levels. Hopefully, with time you can put this whole situation in the past, and move on emotionally. The passage of time does help, and this whole situation may be just a bad memory in several years. You sound intelligent and also sound like a very caring person. Good Luck
Author Idkhwmfty Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 Why do you think she knows and is okay with it? Do people really know a lot of women who turn a blind eye to their cheating spouse? I see that a lot here and I don't get it because I don't know any woman who would turn a blind eye! Or is that you just trying to make excuses - such as "its okay that we kept seeing each other - his wife didn't care". You said you found out by reading his text messages and he always kept his phone close to him. That should have been your red flag years ago. Most couples have trust in their relationship and if someone is shielding their phone from their significant other, that should be a reason to be suspicioius. Why do you need to gain something from this???? Wouldn't YOU want to know? Even in your own situation, wouldn't you have wanted to know prior to snooping on his phone? Wouldn't you have wanted someone to tell you he was married? Would that have stopped you from seeing him? Telling his wife isn't about what you will gain -- it is about doing the RIGHT thing. Did you and he use protection? If not, he has now exposed her to the risk of STD's. She has a right to know that he has been lying to her. As for him staying with you and vacations, FYI - married men LIE. He may have told her he was out of town for work. He may have told her his buddy was going through a hard time. Who knows and does it matter what lies he told her? What matters is her being given the opportunity to know what heinous things he has done behind her back. While she was loving him, trusting him, being loyal to him -- he was cheating on her, deceiving her and lying to her. Do unto others as you would like done to you. yes you should tell her. Are you speaking as the OW or as a BS?
Lady2163 Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 I am almost always against telling the BS, whether the OW or WS does. Yes, I am coming at this from an OW point of view. Nobody ever considers the safety of the OW. In this case, telling will possibly upset the BS and the WS. My concern is someone ends up on your doorstep with a gun. You just never know what will make a person snap. I truly believe you are an innocent party in all of this. I believe you when you say you had no idea he was married or involved. I'm a bit of a private person and I don't let people see my phone or IPad. Consequently, I don't snoop. It isn't your fault. He's the jerk. I don't want to see you suffer consequences because you tried to do what you thought was right. Put yourself first and take care of yourself. If you are strong enough and secure enough to take whatever crap MM and BS may dish out, then tell her. Good luck.
David87 Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 The best thing to do in this situation is not to tell his wife because she might already know. He's the jerk , he made this mess you were just a collateral ''victim''. Bay doing this you'll get your revenge and you'll be happy for a short period of time, but if you forgive you'll be happy in the long run.
Recommended Posts