Smababe Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 I have been dating my fiance for 4 yrs now and have caught him in so many lies. When I confront him his corrects the situation but only until then. The other day I just happen to find out he was previously married for 2 yrs. He had never mentioned that to me. We planned on marring soon and I am so hurt that he was going to let me marry him without saying a thing about it, let alone me having to confront him.. I do love him with all my heart. Should I call this engagement off? I am so tired of the lies and lack of respect for me that comes with that.
writergal Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 (edited) Marriage won't make him stop lying compulsively to you. Nothing can. You've already seen the pattern: you confront him about his lies, he apologizes and "pretends" to change, but then he lies to you again because at his core he doesn't respect you and you allow him to manipulate you. Rinse, repeat for 4 years. Do you think you could endure that for "as long as you both shall live" with him? What if you two have children together? Could you trust their safety with someone who is a known liar like he is? If he lied to you about being married before he met you, he'll probably lie about whether or not he pays your house mortgage, the bills, etc.,. And his lies will have consequences for YOU where the home mortgage is concerned: it will destroy your credit. And who's to say he won't lie to you about cheating on you with another woman. There's no limit to what a compulsive liar will lie about. The sky's the limit with a compulsive liar as long as they have willing victims to believe their lies. Do not marry this guy. If you do, you risk legal and financial consequences that you will not have any control over since he's proven to you for 4 years that you already can't trust him based on how much he lies. A proposal is exciting, a wedding is romantic, but marriage is no joke and a lot of hard work for two people in general, because at its core marriage is about trusting the other person. And it's a well known fact that you can't trust someone who compulsively lies. Edited March 15, 2014 by writergal 2
No Limit Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Liars are no marriage material. They have to deal with themselves first but most can't switch that habit off at all. No, I wouldn't advise you to marry him. Heck, I wouldn't even advise a relationship with him. 3
Yasuandio Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 In 1985, my former husband asked me to marry him after four years of "off and on" during the conversation, I said, "well, if I agree to this, then I know I am marrying a liar." And that is exactly what I did. For four years, I witnessed and caught him in lie after lie. He could be smoking a joint, step on it when I him and the whole area and him and his breath reeked - and stare me dead in the eye, with his stoned half open watery redish eyes, and say, "I WAS IMAGING IT.". So, I would would ask, why is a partially lit joint lying on the ground and everything smells like reefer? His reply: "It must be the neighbors," then he put his foot over the roach. Then I ask: I looked out the window and saw a flame, and a red burning thing like a cigarette - and you don't smoke. His reply: it must have been someone in the alley - "my vvision is screwed up from looking at the computer." (The reason I was a hard azz about pot was because I a doctoral student at the university, and they told us straight out - dope, or with someone with dope, then you are gone. He was risking my position and job there). The LIAR has an answer for everything. From experience, the best way to break him down when you know it's a lie, is yell, "YOU'RE LYING!" and walk away. The only thing you say is "you are lying. I know for a fact you are lying." "No discussion, period." Look him dead in the eye like you have information. He thought it was cute and charming. And his MO was, even caught, deny, deny, deny. Another thing he did during those four years we were dating was pull disappearing acts. Just suddenly pack up and leave town, or the state. But he always came back. Once we were married, the behavior continued, it would take more than two hands to count the number of times I came home from work and he had packed his fancy clothes and left with his fancy car. Till the point I served twice, once in 87, and again in 94. The abdondoning stopped for awhile, but the lying never did. I won't bore you with all the details over years of the waylaying of this abusiveness and how it took it's toll on me. The final two abadonments were in a foreign country. First, once we landed in the airport in Greece - he left me stranded. The second, during the end of our vacation in Greece he left me strand without my medications (insomnia, depression, severe anxiety, high blood pressure), and with only 400US. Many of these medication were additive. I did not really know where I was, he just got angry at me for every single thing I did in my entire life, and screamed at me while I sat on a rock by seaside in a small fishing village at nightfall. Took the rental car and drove away. Once I got the money changed (ripped off of course), I got to some little space and spaced of the meds like a zoombie. I had plenty of back up credit with me just in case this time. And I didn't come home for months, nor call him. I met someone there that took care of me, because I wasn't mentally stable. Something wasn't right. I came home once I saw him taking my name off the money. It turned out, according to my doctor, that I developed symptoms of type 2 bi-polar disease likely from the shock of this event, as my behavior and conduct had become totally out of character. Now I have to take a shyt load of medication. And of course, he wanted a divorce because "I defamed his family's honor." This is a man that had refused to be intimate with me for years. Now, one relative in my family had manic depression. But I didn't have to develop this disease, I merely had a propensity in my genes. I blame him for bring on the symptoms. That is how I feel about it. This is a true story, hon. And he made the divorce last 4 years. He stalked me. He hired PIs, and amatures to drive me out of my mind with paranoia (side effect of bi-polar and related meds). Since the divorce was final last year, he still is having me watched, and cruises my neighborhood. This is a Narcissistic personality. And I'd I were you, I would look into every personalty defeat that incorporates compulsive lying. There are many. Narcissism cannot be fixed. There is no way they are gonna change. I'm an extremely smart woman and I got caught in this web. Early on, before drugs got in me, I had the strenth and power to walk away from him. But once my health started to decline, he trampled over me. I so wish I had divorced him in 87 or 94. Word. Girl. Yas. 1
Storm_Chaser Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Run. Seriously. I too have been involved with a liar and I'm telling you: it will drive you crazy. You may think you love them enough to put up with it. But there will come a time when they're looking you deadpan in the face and saying something to you that you know for a fact isn't true and you'll snap, either at them or yourself, because you'll think you've gone mad. It's not worth it to constantly be second-guessing someone--to constantly wonder whether or not you can trust your own instincts, senses and knowledge. And not to mention lying is one of the most disrespectful things a person can do to another human being. I would seriously rather have someone spit in my face than lie to me. I would say you can love this person from afar, but realize that a relationship with a liar is doomed to fail, or to cause you nothing but misery if you stay. 2
Yasuandio Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 (edited) Storm Chaser makes a great point that is well illustrated in an old movie called "Gaslight." You have to check out this 40's film. The title of the movie actually became a psychological term for what Storm Chaser describes - a person that slowly drives another mad by systematically causing them to question their own sanity. Check my signature line for a section called "Critical Readings" - and on page one, you will find a ton of resources on "gaslighting.". I know it will be familiar to you! For instance, when I got home from Greece, my husband told me he was also divorcing me because I refused to have sex with him! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. He looked at me dead seriously and said that to me after two years straight withh me begging him for sex! And the years before, if I got lucky, maybe 1 or 2 times a year. He actually thought I might swallow that one by that point!!!! I rolled on my back and laughed like a hyuna! Yas Edited March 15, 2014 by Yasuandio
chelsea2011 Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 I have been dating my fiance for 4 yrs now and have caught him in so many lies. When I confront him his corrects the situation but only until then. The other day I just happen to find out he was previously married for 2 yrs. He had never mentioned that to me. We planned on marring soon and I am so hurt that he was going to let me marry him without saying a thing about it, let alone me having to confront him.. I do love him with all my heart. Should I call this engagement off? I am so tired of the lies and lack of respect for me that comes with that. He is an agressive manipulator and knows exactly what he's doing. Everything he says and does has a purpose and that is to throw you off and keep "one down" in a defensive position. The first thing you need to do is to stop trying to figure out why he does these things. It's pointless. His lying is a deliberate offensive move to keep YOU on the defensive so he can have his way. When he lies and uses thse manipulative tactics he's basically telling you that he knows who he is and he doesn't plan on changing. He likes always being on the make to gain the upper hand. Stop trying to figure him out and start deciding whether or not you want to spend your life managing this guy's character disorder. That is what will happen if you marry him. You will constantly be thwarting his attempts to manipulate you. Google manipulative-people dot com and read the blogs about aggressive manipulators and you the answers you seek will become crystal clear. It was life changing for me. People like him think differently and do not have the capacity to feel shame or guilt like you do. They prey conscientiousness to manipulate you into letting them have their way. He will always throw a rationalization at you that makes enough sense that you doubt your "gut instinct" and cave in to their desires. Google what I said above and educate and yourself! You will know exactly what to do after reading how these manipulators operate. 1
chelsea2011 Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Oh, and of course he will correct his behavior when confronted. It's another manipulation tactic to keep you second guessing yourself and immersed in a state of confusion. He knows exactly what he's doing and it's deliberate.
chelsea2011 Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 (edited) He is an agressive manipulator and knows exactly what he's doing. Everything he says and does has a purpose and that is to throw you off and keep you "one down" in a defensive position. The first thing you need to do is to stop trying to figure out why he does these things. It's pointless. His lying is a deliberate offensive move to keep YOU on the defensive so he can have his way. When he lies and uses these manipulative tactics he's basically telling you that he knows who he is and he doesn't plan on changing. He likes always being on the make to gain the upper hand. Stop trying to figure him out and start deciding whether or not you want to spend your life managing this guy's character disorder. That is what will happen if you marry him. You will constantly be thwarting his attempts to manipulate you. Google manipulative-people dot com and read the blogs about aggressive manipulators and the answers you seek will become crystal clear. It was life changing for me. People like him think differently and do not have the capacity to feel shame or guilt like you do. They prey on your conscientiousness to manipulate you into letting them have their way. He will always throw a rationalization at you that makes enough sense that you doubt your "gut instinct" and cave in to his desires. Google what I said above and educate yourself! You will know exactly what to do after reading how these manipulators operate. Sorry for all the typos! Corrected version (or as much as it can be) is above. Edited March 15, 2014 by chelsea2011
d0nnivain Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Better question: why would you stay? This is toxic. Get out now & do not marry this man. If you marry you will not be happy. It's too expensive a mistake in time, money & emotions. 1
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