I really need some coping:-(

[Felicityxo]

Hi,

Here's my story, sorry it's long. Thank you for taking the time to read it.

I met my ex when we were 15, I was turning 16. I had been in relationships before but nothing serious, he had only been in one relationship before, which like mine, wasn't serious. We were 15 at the end of the day!

I have always suffered from depression from an early age, and when him and I first started to talk, I wasn't in a very good place. He didn't know this though, he just felt like I was upset as I had moved away at the time. We began talking every waking minute, and we really, really liked each other. I moved back to the area that he lived (I lived before), I think he contributed my decision to move back. When he learnt I was moving back, he asked me to start a relationship with him and I couldn't have been happier.

I felt like he had saved me, I didn't know then that it isn't wise to get into a relationship with another person whilst you're not happy within yourself.

Anyway, he lost his virginity to me. Not straight away. I was with him for almost 4 years. He is the first person I have truly felt as though I love. I would put him before myself, and would have done anything for him.

I still believe he was inlove with me too... At some point of out relationship.

During the years, we grew within ourselves. From children. I was still depressed, but he helped me, and he was always there for me. although he never quite understood what depression was. He was truly my best friend, and the most intentive boyfriend. I adored every part of him. Looking back, I blame myself for not showing him that as often as I should have.

He broke up with me 2 weeks ago, and we've been in contact ever since. Always me talking, he doesn't willingly reply. I know I shouldn't talk to him, as it's just making myself suffer further. But I just can't help it.

He says he doesn't love me anymore, although there are things he loved about me, and that he wants to be friends as I'm a "good person" and he cares about me still. He's just no longer inlove with me.

It all happened so sudden, obviously he felt it for a while but never chose to tell me. Which I can't understand as I'd have thought things could have been worked on together if I had known.

During all this he thought I had cheated on him, when I went on holiday with some friends. But I didn't, he didn't believe me for a month. Until I asked him to talk to the person directly. He said even after learning I hadn't cheated, the damage was still done. He still didn't feel the same.

After he finished it, for the first week he was nothing but nasty to me, he's now told me it was his defense as he was hurting too. He just wanted me to stop talking to him so he tried to be as horrible as he could.

This obviously hurt me further.

A week passed and I learnt that he had cheated on me 5 times during the first year of our relationship (kissing other girls). I asked him and he admitted. He never admitted to anything whilst we were together. He said he never told me as he knew I'd never had stayed with him, and he didn't want to hurt me.

After he admitted he turned, he was all apologetic and told me how it hurt him from a very long time. That he was immature, and he didn't realise that I was the only important person.

I felt, and still felt like our relationship was an entire lie. It kills me to think about it. When I learnt about it, I felt nothing but anger for days after. No crying, just anger. It doesn't help that everyone knew where I lived. So I feel like a laughing stock. Then when his behaviour turned, and he was asking to be friends with me as he hates the thought of me thinking he is a bad person. I've done nothing but cry. He's offered to buy me stuff, as he never got me a birthday present as he thought I had cheated. What the hell is that all about? He also admitted to going on a date the week after we broke up, but nothing's going to come of it as they "both have their own reason".

He says we don't have to be friends, as he knows he doesn't deserve it. I'm just confused, and so hurt that I can't think straight.

I don't blame him for falling out of love with me, that cannot be helped. It's that he never told me the way he was feeling, if he did things could have been worked on. He's even said the same. I'm just so disappointed that he cheated and lied.

I know I must have meant something to him, as we wouldn't have been together for that long. And I wasn't the easiest of people to get on with at times. So he could have just quit then.

It's hard dealing with the reality of the whole situation. I feel painfully alone, and he's all I think about. I still love him so much. I don't know how to move on. First step would be not talking to him. But it's so hard after almost 4 years of never going a day without speaking:-(

I'm nineteen now, and It's interfering with every part of my life. I am devistated.

Can someone please remind me I'm not alone on this? I know it's not the end of the world, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with

Edited March 15, 2014 by Felicityxo

[Strength in Healing]

Hey felicity, I'm going through something very similar. If you have Skype, add me. We can help each other!