leesc90 Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Bullet notes because i like bullet notes: -dated my best friend of 6 years -& we dated for 3 years -rarely ever fought, got along very well and lived together for two years. -dumped me bc of what seemed very much like GIGS. -friends and myself all thought we were very happy. -had a very amicable break up with us just being sad.. -a week later, i ask the main reason behind the breakup and she says it is: we're not right for each other -too much accomodating at this age (23 and im 24) -im not assertive enough (ie. if we're going out to eat i dont just pick a place) -too lazy, not enough attack to life. (i am sort of lazy... but i am a law student and have a summer associate job lined up for the summer) *she thinks she should get along better with her bf. just because we can talk well & dont fight doesnt mean we get along well. expects to get along better with who she calls her bf -i asked her why then she still hangs out with me and insinuates that there is a chance for us in the future; her response (paraphrased and nonsugar coated)- bc i anticipate you will change and that later you'll be more of a man since youre only 23. -she intends not to date and to be single, unless mr. perfect rolls around at which point she cannot anticipate what she will do. we agreed to remain friends and occasionally chime in on each others lives. i asked her how she felt about me dating and she cried and said she'd have to accept if it happened. im so hurt, i love this girl to death and have put in 110% of my efforts to her. shes really a special girl and speaking objectively she is a huge catch in terms of both looks and rare personality in a girl. ive dated many girls but i've never been sure like this that i think she's the one. what is the best course of action? Thank you all for reading and support.. it helps very much in this grieving process
Copelandsanity Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Dump her and go no contact. You're a puppet and she pulling those strings.
pickflicker Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 No contact. Disappear from her radar for a MINIMUM of 90 days. Then come back here on day 91, and we'll discuss your next move. You like bullet points, so I'm giving you your next moves one step at a time. 3
Author leesc90 Posted March 15, 2014 Author Posted March 15, 2014 thanks for the replies guys. its hard for me to go NC bc we're still very cordial. i feel stupid sometimes for being so nice to her, but ive just been that way for a decade. i feel like if i go NC ill lose her for good, as she gets caught up in things very easily. she already has two guys trying to get with her. but i think i know what needs to be done..
lolablue17 Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 (edited) Maybe she's right and you're not right for each other. As for you - Well, the classic theory here that a man who has other girls interested in him, raises his value on the market = he's much more of a man than a man who is capering like a puppy around his girlfriend. So the minute you start hanging out with girls, her opinion about you might change. Not only because she's jealous or hurt, but also because she will see you with a different view and may want you back. But i'm telling you - you dont want her anyway. because the minute you are back together, the magic disappears, and you're back to square 1. Unless you change you R type to an open relationship which you will date other girls all the time, and that could preserve her interest high. Edited March 15, 2014 by lolablue17
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 i feel like if i go NC ill lose her for good, as she gets caught up in things very easily. she already has two guys trying to get with her. Very good indicator of her maturity and feelings for you = LOW
pickflicker Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 thanks for the replies guys. its hard for me to go NC bc we're still very cordial. i feel stupid sometimes for being so nice to her, but ive just been that way for a decade. i feel like if i go NC ill lose her for good, as she gets caught up in things very easily. she already has two guys trying to get with her. but i think i know what needs to be done.. And is that worth having that person in your life? Or do you think you can expect more from people? (Hint: answer B, answer B...)
Jiivy Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 (edited) Very good indicator of her maturity and feelings for you = LOW Unfortunately seconded - but, hear me out. If you feel that your love is as strong as you believe - that it's all you've built it up to be in your mind and you're truly confident in it, then you believe you will be together again. This current problem is devastating, a very bad period where she needs to step away and think about herself. I'd say this, put your money where your mouth is. My fiancée, best friend and partner of 7 years left me for (potentially, she says...) another man. My test came when I was tempted in the past by a beautiful pinup model. I thought about it, hard. I passed my test and I concluded very much that I loved her above the pursuit of another women. I didn't care that my fiancée was my only sexual or romantic partner. I loved her and to me - that was enough. Chalk it down to GIGS or whatever you have you - the proof is in the ****ing pudding my friend. If you love her, give her the space and pull yourself together. If she loves you, she'll be back and bring that same fighting spirit you gave to her. It should let her stop at nothing to be back with you. She should move mountains for you and nothing less. And my friend, if she doesn't...then the disgusting light of day says that she never loved you the same at all. Don't wait around for that answer though, don't become a doormat. NC. Shut her out, see your friends, talk to those around you. Try to heal, try to take up the effort at least to move on and know that this is her test of the relationship now. Not yours. I'm not saying find love elsewhere. I'm saying try to bring peace to yourself and be strong. Edited March 15, 2014 by Jiivy 1
BDL Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Your girlfriend is doing you a favour by trying to make you a stronger guy. You need to develop drive and ambition and a purpose for your life. These are attractive to women. Your girlfriend has lost interest in you because you've become a spineless jellyfish. Once the attraction fades, it's almost impossible to get back. I think your only action is to move on from her, improve your life in all aspects, start dating around, and learn to live without her. It will be painful, it will hurt, it will be a very lonely period in your life. Hit the gym, start some new hobbies (for me, I pursued dancing and drawing) and grow stronger.
Author leesc90 Posted March 15, 2014 Author Posted March 15, 2014 thank you all for the sincere and heartfelt advice. it really helps to give me perspective. jiivy, youre words are right on. essentially youre saying that this is her test to see if our relationship was a special one or not and that i have to leave her alone to find that out. however, do you really think that if you give someone time that it will prove what you meant to them? im afraid that time just dissolves even the best of relationships if the dumper puts their mind to moving on full steam and look to other things. BDL, do you really think once the attraction fades that it is near impossible to get back? ive had past relationships where this was not the case. additionally, i could agree that i need more drive but as a 23 year old who is pursuing difficult a career path, its not like i dont have any of that. isnt that not fair to say? again thank you all. i hope more input is to come, you guys rock
Author leesc90 Posted March 16, 2014 Author Posted March 16, 2014 mtnbiker, just to clarify why would she be acting immaturely?
Grumpybutfun Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 (edited) She says that you both are young so she is probably wanting to sow some oats....she isn't ready for how serious the relationship became and wants to see if there is something out there she wants and likes more. What she doesn't seem to understand is that you could find another woman who really feels you and makes sure you are her ONE and your ex will have no chance with you if that happens. She is taking a risk, one she thinks she can do because you have never given her any reason to believe that you are open to other women. She isn't ready for serious, and she isn't going to change just because you want her to. However, you can decide whether or not you want to be her safe guy if she can't find anyone better or if you want to be some woman's one and only special guy. She is being unfair to you by expecting you to still be around after she sows the wild oats and checks for someone better than you. Move on, Grumps Edited March 16, 2014 by Grumpybutfun 1
Author leesc90 Posted March 16, 2014 Author Posted March 16, 2014 grumpy, I really appreciate the advice it definitely hits home and I'll be thinking about what you said. one thing though, what if I think she's the best I'll find? she's so awesome and every guy who gets to know her ends up liking her. a very rare combination of pretty figured mannered and tom boyish which are all things I've been searching for throughout my dating career. also she doesn't expect me to wait for her and tries to actively not lead me on
pickflicker Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 grumpy, I really appreciate the advice it definitely hits home and I'll be thinking about what you said. one thing though, what if I think she's the best I'll find? she's so awesome and every guy who gets to know her ends up liking her. a very rare combination of pretty figured mannered and tom boyish which are all things I've been searching for throughout my dating career. also she doesn't expect me to wait for her and tries to actively not lead me on The one that is the best for you, won't leave you. 1
Grumpybutfun Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 -i asked her why then she still hangs out with me and insinuates that there is a chance for us in the future; her response (paraphrased and nonsugar coated)- bc i anticipate you will change and that later you'll be more of a man since youre only 23. -she intends not to date and to be single, unless mr. perfect rolls around at which point she cannot anticipate what she will do. we agreed to remain friends and occasionally chime in on each others lives. i asked her how she felt about me dating and she cried and said she'd have to accept if it happened. She is dangling possibility of taking you back if she doesn't find Mr. Perfect. These are her words as presented by you. Great girls don't look for Mr. perfect and make the secondary guy hope for breadcrumbs by telling them she anticipates you will change when you get older, she won't do anything unless Mr. Perfect turns up, micromanages your actions or inaction without making this seem like an ultimatum unless you change your behaviors, act like she isn't doing it to date which is another way to say that I want something more than you but I am too big of a coward to say it to your face because it makes no sense, or cry when you mention possibly dating in the future. I stick by my initial assessment and advice. A great girl is the one who likes you for you and works with you to make the relationship work. Good luck, G
Author leesc90 Posted March 16, 2014 Author Posted March 16, 2014 hey pickflicker! what about instances when people who break up and get back together and marry with successful relationships??
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 what if I think she's the best I'll find? she's so awesome and every guy who gets to know her ends up liking her. a very rare combination of... Join the club. This is how we all feel. My ex was the most beautiful woman I've ever met, let alone dated. Quite a bit younger, smart, funny, charming, rockin' body, decorated athlete, etc, etc... Couldn't believe she was into me. Simply couldn't believe it... And, as Grumpy mentioned she is immature, as as mature woman who was very into you would not chance losing you to another. She doesn't seem to mind the risk. You deserve better!!
Author leesc90 Posted March 16, 2014 Author Posted March 16, 2014 grumpy.. that was on point. thank you.. this is helping so much to gain insight
Breadimus Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Hey Leecs, I hope you are doing well. You and I are in the same boat so let us shoot the **** and help each other. *Your girlfriend lost attraction to you for a reason. Women love men who are fun, confident, strong and who are safe in the knowledge that they are centered. *For a time at the end of your relationship you were not this. We are in our early 20s and these things happen. Which is why so many early 20s guys are on these sites. *You had college, I had work. We lost sight of what makes us tick and because of this lost site of who we are. *Your girl loved you, and tried to help you out. I do not doubt that at all but as you gradually became less centered she gradually lost her attraction. A woman safe in her own mind will point this out to you bluntly so you can pick your game up. A woman who is inexperienced or not safe in her own feelings will leave you tiny hints that we never pickup on. *You were responsible for 50% of the relationship, committed and experienced couples safe in the knowledge of who they are pick up the slack each time the other falls, for a time. Young couples do not have the knowledge to do so and as such it turns to ****. *Your girl and my girl told as the same thing. Mine left it with a "Your 2 years older and 24, you should have this sorted out already". Don't blame her she is hurting man because she has had to deal with the loss of her boyfriend for a lot longer then you have had to deal with the loss of her, but now sort yourself out and be a bloody Superman for the next girl who falls in love with 'uno numero'. Feel your feels mate.
Author leesc90 Posted March 16, 2014 Author Posted March 16, 2014 hey man.. really feel you and hope you're recovery blooms soon. for us, it's not that I didn't center her enough.. for the past year I noticed I was pulling most of the slack in terms of commitment and trying to make her happy. she acknowledges this..
Breadimus Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 hey man.. really feel you and hope you're recovery blooms soon. for us, it's not that I didn't center her enough.. for the past year I noticed I was pulling most of the slack in terms of commitment and trying to make her happy. she acknowledges this.. Hey mate cheers for the shout out. What I mean is that you yourself do not appeared to be centered to her. It is not your job to make her happy with you (100% did this as well), it is your job together. When we make it our reason to make a girl happy being with us it comes off as weak and clingy and not at all appealing. Would James Bond do that??? He is like I am James Bond. I am being myself and because of that you are having an awesome time and you lady just cant help but be in love with me. This is the man your lady fell in love with, but along the way you may have lost sight of this, hence the flip flopping over where to eat, what to do and goals (I am guilty as well). I can 100% guarantee your girl dropped hints at to where the real you had gone until she no longer was attracted to you. It hurts, but you have to focus on getting back to being awesome, once this happens. Anything can happen.
Author leesc90 Posted March 16, 2014 Author Posted March 16, 2014 thanks breadimus, i get what you mean now.its just hard when you love someone bc you just wanna do everything and accomodate in every way to make them happy you know? im seeing her a few times this week, for a close friends wedding we rsvped to a while back and to pick up some of my stuff..
KaliLove Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 If you guys are meant to be together, some time and distance won't hurt you. If you forget about each other then you weren't supposed to be together anyway. She sounds kind of bratty though..and selfish. I think you can do better.
Author leesc90 Posted March 16, 2014 Author Posted March 16, 2014 shes actually not bratty whatsoever.. a day after the break up she knew my birthday was 2 months away and bought me much needed glasses for 200+ $$ (worked chores for her mom to raise the money to) i wouldnt really call her a selfish person either, removed from the way shes been treating me.
KaliLove Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 shes actually not bratty whatsoever.. a day after the break up she knew my birthday was 2 months away and bought me much needed glasses for 200+ $$ (worked chores for her mom to raise the money to) i wouldnt really call her a selfish person either, removed from the way shes been treating me. You can't remove anything from the way she's been treating you. She is selfish and she's been acting selfishly.
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