Author drg2365 Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 You are blinded by your attraction for her. My advice, go ghost. Stop trying to contact her... I was CRINGING reading that last text exchange. You shouldn't have asked her about her schedule again... Really, you shouldn't have called her either. You should just move on to the next girl. If she has any interest in you and was indeed "just busy", she will contact you again. My sense is that you did come across as too keen. Thanks for the advice, but too keen? Cringing on that text exchange? How? I'm getting sick of this hyper-delicate double standard of you have to contact a girl to show you are legitimately interested in vs wow what a clingy little piece. I wanted to talk to her and follow up on a brief text exchange on Friday, after all it was the third date and many people on this very forum advocated less is not always more at this juncture. A call with a simple text is not the same as a hyper-desperate voicemail or a bombardment of texts. After all she did get back to me the same day and I kept it light-hearted I feel like Which all leads to the confusion I'm currently experiencing...
ja123 Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 If you are feeling confusion at this juncture, then move on. Find someone who is as interested in you as you her. You deserve better. Go ghost. If she happens to contact you again, then don't invite her out. Let her suggest something. But, I'd move on.
Author drg2365 Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 You are making up excuses for her in your head. She's not interested and she's just trying to let you off easy. Don't feel bad. I've been through it before. Go ghost. Just delete her number and move on to other women. If she ever contacts you again, delete the text. Don't answer it. This is why I tell guys to always keep multiple girls on rotation. That way when one messes up, you're not bummed out. Be well. I understand this is pretty common, but women who post on this sub-forum need to read this thread. What else is a guy supposed to do? Obviously nothing how the responses have come in. The only thing I could have inherently done differently is go mega hard for sex. There is a moral/ethical issue with texting a guy all week and going out with him again (3rd time with kisses?!?) and then just 'haha ok nevermind - but I'll be stupid nice about it to confuse you' Seriously girls, keep this scenario in mind
yxalitis Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 (edited) I understand this is pretty common, but women who post on this sub-forum need to read this thread. What else is a guy supposed to do? Obviously nothing how the responses have come in. The only thing I could have inherently done differently is go mega hard for sex. There is a moral/ethical issue with texting a guy all week and going out with him again (3rd time with kisses?!?) and then just 'haha ok nevermind - but I'll be stupid nice about it to confuse you' Seriously girls, keep this scenario in mind A girl who kisses gently on the 3rd date, than makes excuses to not see you again simply isn't interested. There is nothing here that "Women should read" you need to read the signs better. Three dates and a kiss does not obligate a woman to do anything, and she let you down pretty gently. A women, especially a young girl like this, isn't going to just say "look, I'm just not that into you., ok? They will give you subtle signs, and you simply need to learn to read them. And "Going hard for sex" is just so offensive, no wonder men have a bad rep. All that would have achieved is that instead of thinking that you're a nice guy she's not interested in, she'd think you're an ******* she's not interested in, and that all men ever want is sex. Which is better? Edited March 17, 2014 by yxalitis 2
ja123 Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 So, you got burned by one chick. Who cares? Get some perspective on this. Dating is a numbers game. You only had 3 dates. It sucks. But let this one go. You're so pissed at her because you built this up too much in your mind. For that, only you are responsible. Admitting that, learning from it, and moving on is the way you can take something positive away from this experience. Try cheaper dates until you've ensured mutual interest before splashing cash on full-meals and NBA tickets. You're only 22! Be smart and leverage your resources.
Chalkdust89 Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 I understand this is pretty common, but women who post on this sub-forum need to read this thread. What else is a guy supposed to do? Obviously nothing how the responses have come in. The only thing I could have inherently done differently is go mega hard for sex. There is a moral/ethical issue with texting a guy all week and going out with him again (3rd time with kisses?!?) and then just 'haha ok nevermind - but I'll be stupid nice about it to confuse you' Seriously girls, keep this scenario in mind Uhhhh guys do this to girls too. There are a number of reasons why she might have continued to see you (not all of them intentionally malicious), but dwelling on it won't change what happened. What you can do for next time is not let one bad experience cloud your judgment on how to treat women. Being an ass and going "mega hard for sex" to avoid getting hurt again is never going to get you the nice relationship/non-hookup that you seem to be looking for. You're just going to drive potentially compatible women away and get stuck with girls looking for different things than you, which will in turn hurt you even more.
Chalkdust89 Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 I understand this is pretty common, but women who post on this sub-forum need to read this thread. What else is a guy supposed to do? Obviously nothing how the responses have come in. The only thing I could have inherently done differently is go mega hard for sex. There is a moral/ethical issue with texting a guy all week and going out with him again (3rd time with kisses?!?) and then just 'haha ok nevermind - but I'll be stupid nice about it to confuse you' Seriously girls, keep this scenario in mind Uhhhh guys do this to girls too. There are a number of reasons why she might have continued to see you (not all of them malicious), but dwelling on it won't change what happened. What you can do for next time is not let one bad experience cloud your judgment on how to treat women. Being an ass and going "mega hard for sex" to avoid getting hurt again is never going to get you the nice relationship/non-hookup that you seem to be looking for. You're just going to drive potentially compatible women away and get stuck with girls looking for different things than you, which may in turn hurt you even more.
Author drg2365 Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 iUhhhh guys do this to girls too. That's the point. I've read numerous threads by girls who have fallen head over heels (usually they slept with them) and get nothing back. This is just a case in point where it goes both ways, with far, far, far, less being exchanged. So its my fault for liking for someone after a few dates. I guess that's fair, I mean I shouldn't of been attracted to her at all I guess. And the point of going for cheaper dates/I'm only 22. -As much as you girls hate to admit it, you flock to money and power -I live in a giant metropolis where, if you don't do something impressive you will be painfully rejected because most girls are holding out for a millionaire - To even find women who will even go out with a 22 year old is a diamond in the rough, even though he has his own place, car, and works for a fortune 100
OhThatGirl Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Finally. I'm glad the posters on the 3rd page are finally starting to put things in perspective. I'll add to that. You keep mentioning that you had 3 dates and kisses. So what? She doesn't owe you anything. Had you seen her for 3 months and banged her.. She still wouldnt *owe* you anything. That's the game of dating. These people we go out with? We HOPE they treat us respectfully but I gotta say.. She isn't really doing a bad job with that either. Sure we hope the other person is upfront and says they just don't see it working out. But her being distant and non committal is easier. She's slowly backing out the door. Recognize the signs and let it happen. The truth is you put way too many expectations on this. You're hurt. You feel that 3 dates mean you deserve something in return. That's not how it works though. She may have been seeing someone else and has decided they are a better match and she would like to see them exclusively. She may have a brain tumor and can't think of dating right now. It doesn't matter. Don't play the victim card and believe you get to be an *******. You don't. It was 3 dates. She wasn't into it. Big deal. Just because we liked them and enjoyed their company doesn't mean they felt the same about us. And that's ok. Can't get mad at her or all the other women in the world for it. Ok?
Author drg2365 Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 (edited) Finally. I'm glad the posters on the 3rd page are finally starting to put things in perspective. I'll add to that. You keep mentioning that you had 3 dates and kisses. So what? She doesn't owe you anything. Had you seen her for 3 months and banged her.. She still wouldnt *owe* you anything. That's the game of dating. These people we go out with? We HOPE they treat us respectfully but I gotta say.. She isn't really doing a bad job with that either. Sure we hope the other person is upfront and says they just don't see it working out. But her being distant and non committal is easier. She's slowly backing out the door. Recognize the signs and let it happen. The truth is you put way too many expectations on this. You're hurt. You feel that 3 dates mean you deserve something in return. That's not how it works though. She may have been seeing someone else and has decided they are a better match and she would like to see them exclusively. She may have a brain tumor and can't think of dating right now. It doesn't matter. Don't play the victim card and believe you get to be an *******. You don't. It was 3 dates. She wasn't into it. Big deal. Just because we liked them and enjoyed their company doesn't mean they felt the same about us. And that's ok. Can't get mad at her or all the other women in the world for it. Ok? Again this seems to be my fault I got attracted to her and expected further steps after her texting me all week leading up to the game. I would have 100% rather taken my buddy so we could have real, drunk fun. But I stuck with her and we had a good time at a good game. Now its my fault I like her, my fault I spent too much, my fault I expected anything in return despite wide-spread criticism I 'didn't do enough' and laughed at for taking a girl out 3 times and getting nothing. It's not what I was after - but just the general culture we live in. Now she doesn't have to bother with me again after confusing texts with minimal drama and I have to start from square 0 For whatever reason it seems like I am getting buried for liking a girl and then even more buried for thinking things would advance after a few dates. Am I taking crazy pills? Do stories for girls sleeping with and getting super attached to guys after a night or two out just exist in the periphery no one acknowledges is true? Edited March 17, 2014 by drg2365
ja123 Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Listen, it's human to have hopes. It's human to want to give and receive love. You're human. However, you were hoping (perhaps expecting!) with the wrong one. Anyone would feel hurt and let down that it didn't work out. It sucks that she wasn't the one. It's normal to feel disappointed and, yes, somewhat hurt and confused; but, not to the point where you're going to take your revenge on future women. Just try to keep things in perspective: it was early days and neither of you had a lot invested. Obviously, you had more invested because of your expectations which were too high to begin with. But, take a step back and see your part in this, so that you can grow as a person. As for you getting ribbed in this thread: it's not to be mean to you, but to help you see the situation more clearly so that you don't feel as badly in the short term and, in the long term, so you'll learn for the future and be better equipped in dating so you can find real meaningful love. The fact that you think you have to spend all that cash (and not doing it honestly without an agenda but "expecting" sex in return) is just sad. This is a losing game. I think it's a misconception on your part that you think you have to spend a lot of cash to get a girl. You are using cash to cover your insecurities, instead of being enough on your own for a girl to like. If all the girls in your town are gold-diggers, then I'd consider changing towns; but, I believe you are painting everyone black and white here. Check out the book "Feeling Good" by David Burns, if you want to learn more about fallacies in ways of thinking. As for girls falling for the wrong guys and sleeping with them too soon and getting burned: yeah, it happens! Too bad for those girls. That's the girls' own low self-esteem, though, (using sex like you use money) and trying to "put-out" to get a little love. It's also rather manipulative, in a way, don't you think? You don't need to play that game. You're enough and fine on your own - with or without a chick. Peace and love, man!
starrynightz45 Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Listen, fellas. This is how you ask a woman out. Me: What days are you free this week? Her: Wednesdays and the weekend. Me: I'm thinking of making a small barbecue on my patio since it will be nice out on the weekend. You should come. Her: Sure. You don't tell a girl your plans. You find out what day she is free, tell her you're doing so and so and you INVITE her to come along. She should be part of your plans not the central focus. This is also a way to avoid putting all the cards in her hands. You're not suck waiting for her to get back to you or put in limbo. This way you maintain control. Use this for future reference. Not even close. If a guy said this to me, I'd feel that he was uninterested and wanted to be friends. If I wasn't into him - fine. If I was, I'd be confused and lose interest. If he wants a date, he needs to tell me he wants to see me/take me somewhere/something along those lines. "I'm having a bbq, you should come" sounds like I'm one of your pals and that it makes no difference to you whether or not I show up. No thanks.
kaylan Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 (edited) A girl who wants to go out with you doesn't have to check her 'planner'. She knows in her head what days she's available, because she's anticipated you asking. Her lack of response to your texts/calls isn't a good sign. This. Shes not into you OP. Given her passive nature, she needs a forward man who can really help build up attraction. You two have no chemistry. Honestly I dunno why some guys are scared to be a little more forward. Dont be afraid to be really flirty with a chick, or even borderline cocky. And if youre both busy with work and school, you can still use texting a good way to flirt and build attraction. Its been working well for me. Learn for this and try and gauge chemistry better on the first and second date. Id say be more willing to go for kisses on the first date. Personally I use the first date to get to know them, and if it really really goes well, there will be a kiss. And if there is any chemistry at all you should definitely be kissing some by the second date. I wouldnt even go on a third date if there was no real chemistry or kissing. And usually Im able to get kisses on the first or second hangout thanks to text flirting. You can build attraction and rapport with it. Good luck OP.Well I guess for shoots and gigs I might as well update, I do appreciate the thoughts and advice. She did end up getting back to me. I want to stress that again, I did not blow up her phone. I called her this morning and instead of a voicemail I sent a text and let it be. Ver batum: Her: Hey sorry I didnt answer your call, I was showering, the weekend has been pretty busy. Thanks, I did enjoy the nice day yesterday . How is your weekend going? Me: No worries, yesterday just went out and about downtown today just relaxing and watching basketball. -Did you find out what days you are free this week? Her:Oh that sounds like fun, So actually I do not have a free night this week. I planned my week out for the first time in my life. -Me: Haha all good, it is your spring break after all. But hey next Saturday you should come over, the high is 70 and sunny, we should cook some food and eat on my deck, I make some mean fet alfredo haha Her: I'm going camping on Saturday Me: Ok that's cool. You do still want to do something right? I've had a lot of fun with you and want to keep things going. I don't want to be pushy but I don't know when you have a free day/night... Her: Yeah I would like to do something, just I am completely booked this week. Me: Ok, let's just try to find some time to share, have a good Sunday night in the meantime. Is that the absolute weakest way to reject someone or am I crazy? No free time whatsoever to spend with someone you have been on 3 dates (that have gone well) with? I really like her, she is very attractive to me, I like her personality, we have fun, but F this. Like my friend said, its pussy or bust. Anything less they just start taking advantage of you. Why are you crying about this? No it is not pussy or bust. She simply isnt into you. Get over it and move on. You pushing for sex wouldnt have changed anything because clearly there wasnt much chemistry there for her. You guys dont click.Getting way off topic, but that was the beauty of his advice. Most will get turned off, for good reason, but in the same time they won't string you along for dates that lead to nothing either so you can more easily just move on and not dump money/time into one girl who is well on their way of taking advantage of you. "If they like you when your an ass they will love you when you are a gentlemen"... its disturbing because its true... Um, but you arent a natural ass...and you faking that behavior will just lose you opportunities with women who may have like you had you not unnaturally pushed things. Calm down dude. Its one chick. Read my earlier advice and learn how to better flirt and gauge these situations. Edited March 17, 2014 by kaylan
OhThatGirl Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Again this seems to be my fault I got attracted to her and expected further steps after her texting me all week leading up to the game. I would have 100% rather taken my buddy so we could have real, drunk fun. But I stuck with her and we had a good time at a good game. Now its my fault I like her, my fault I spent too much, my fault I expected anything in return despite wide-spread criticism I 'didn't do enough' and laughed at for taking a girl out 3 times and getting nothing. It's not what I was after - but just the general culture we live in. Now she doesn't have to bother with me again after confusing texts with minimal drama and I have to start from square 0 For whatever reason it seems like I am getting buried for liking a girl and then even more buried for thinking things would advance after a few dates. Am I taking crazy pills? Do stories for girls sleeping with and getting super attached to guys after a night or two out just exist in the periphery no one acknowledges is true? No no. You don't get to play the "I would have rather taken my friend" thing while being upset she isn't interested. You either went on 3 dates and had a good time but are disappointed she didn't want it to continue OR you didn't enjoy her company and would have rather had "real drunken fun" with a buddy. You don't get to dismiss a good time just because she doesn't show she wants it to continue. Yes, this is part of dating. If you had a good time, enjoy that you had it. If you didn't, then it's no big loss that she's moving on. Don't be that bitter guy that gets angry when she thinks it wasn't a good fit. It's not a good look on anyone. No one is blaming you for taking a chance. But that's what it was, a chance. Didn't work out so now you gracefully move on. The difference with the posters you reference (girls getting pumped and dumped essentially) is that typically those guys make a lot of promises, do some future faking, get what they were after (more than "dirt cheap" tickets to a game) and disappear. You can't compare the two. Not only that, but those girls are essentially told the SAME thing you're being told: Oh well. That sucks. Move on gracefully. Learn from it. Read the quote on this post again. You used the words "expect further steps" and "thinking things would advance." With dating, it's best to have no expectations, to always consider that a person just might not feel the way you do about the situation. It's fair, especially after 3 dates. Most telling of all is when you say "she doesn't have to bother with me and I have to start from square 0." Why? Why can't it just be as simple as "It's unfortunate, she didn't think I was a good fit.. We BOTH start back at square 0?" Again, don't play the victim here. This is the benign stuff that happens to almost everyone when dating. You just seem to not have anticipated it. Now ya know. For the future, so you're not repeatedly starting back at 0, try going on a couple dates with a couple girls at a time, keeping a small rotation going until you find someone and mutually want to be exclusive. It may keep your expectations in check and will provide options as people see they aren't the right girl for you. 1
Author drg2365 Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 (edited) As for you getting ribbed in this thread: it's not to be mean to you, but to help you see the situation more clearly so that you don't feel as badly in the short term and, in the long term, so you'll learn for the future and be better equipped in dating so you can find real meaningful love. The fact that you think you have to spend all that cash (and not doing it honestly without an agenda but "expecting" sex in return) is just sad. This is a losing game. I think it's a misconception on your part that you think you have to spend a lot of cash to get a girl. You are using cash to cover your insecurities, instead of being enough on your own for a girl to like. If all the girls in your town are gold-diggers, then I'd consider changing towns; but, I believe you are painting everyone black and white here. Check out the book "Feeling Good" by David Burns, if you want to learn more about fallacies in ways of thinking. Ok, again I appreciate the advice here, but since this has gone more existential and I have 0.00 chance with the girl in question I'll answer to this advice. Again, I do appreciate it, its healthy to hear different perspectives -Change towns? I have a job. I live in a city, single girls (not many as it is) that are not looking for a relationship are looking for money -Not spending money on dates? I always hear of women who seadfastly say they always pay their share or hedge on affordable places in lieu of nicer ones. Interesting how this never, ever happens and I am stuck with the bill all the time. Living in a new city makes this 1000x worse. -Investing too much? I mean she texted me almost daily leading up to the game, usually with nonsense (although sweet of her) of asking me how my day was going in the middle of a workday. I wasn't even expecting sex after the game, but I did put my best foot forward for her because I liked her and was glad she came. We had a good time, I got frozen out. Its actually much, much more difficult to plan, pay for, and execute the logistics for a date (especially like this one) then just tag along and see how things work (me vs her) -Playing victim? Yes, I was not the victim of a million dollar Ponzi scheme. But she should have been more ethical and declined the game. I would have rather taken my buddy 1000x over. Why? Although me and the girl had a lot of fun I'm obviously never seeing her again. Never going to laugh at the unique features of that night. Never going to talk about it. Obviously its a ends/means type argument, but this leads to my point above: its baseline stressful when you are the guy and have to plan this crap out, while she just gets to tag along and determine at a later date if she ever even wants to see your face again. Me and my (male) friend would have just gotten drunk and laughed about the missed dunks or awful passes the next day. -Even worse? As pitiful as it is, she has still given me false hope (I know this is a cooked as a steak dinner). I'm no spring chicken, I've gone out with a girl who never even so much as texted me ever again. But to say you want to see each other again, even specifically open about coming to my place, but you're vaguely busy at vague times? That's not cool and not really letting someone down softly. 9/10 girls (in my experience) just wouldn't have gotten back to me, much less apologize for missing my call. Nice of her to not call me a peice and say bye forever, but don't say one thing but mean another -Date two+ women at a time? I hear this a lot. But when you go for months without even a date at all, you have to wonder where on earth was this founded on. Guys who are not players barely get dates, let alone date multiple women and 'see who's best'... that's like saying quit your job you don't like and get several, one of those jobs will fit. On paper its a good idea, but in practicality is laughbly terrible. Thoughts? Edited March 17, 2014 by drg2365
OhThatGirl Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 You keep getting the same advice from many different posters here. Maybe just consider that this isn't something you need to debate but rather something you should accept. You're hearing it many different ways, but essentially we are all saying "oh well, it was 3 dates, sorry about your luck, she doesn't owe you anything, move on." Think maybe this is valid when you hear it from all these people? If it is this difficult for you to see a girl freeze you out after 3 dates and some kisses, you have no business dating. Period.
Gaeta Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 drg2365 she blew you off in a gentle way. Recognize when you are being rejected and move to next. You are lucky at least you got a gentle let down, most men I dated would just pull a disappear act after 3 dates, not enough balls to come up with a half decent excuse. If you can't handle rejection then you have no business dating. Most women you will meet won't want a second date, then the remaining ladies won't last past a 3rd date, and it will be like this till you meet the one. THEN after you meet the one you'll have to date pass the 3 month mark because that is also another symbolic mark where people make it or break it, then if you pass the 3 months mark the next one is 6 months. That one is about making serious commitment to each other and then again, a lot of relationships don't survive pass that 6 months. Welcome to the world, buckle your seat belt and hold on to something, it's not meant to be easy. 1
Author drg2365 Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 I didn't want to sound like I was totally disregarding anyone's advice, I guess some of my posts have been venting deep frustration. I was/am mostly just mad is what I thought was something that went well ended up being pointless. Especially when you are the one who mostly planned/paid for things and the one who tagged along got to have the final say. Yeah I guess it is what it is, it sucks, and there isn't two craps I can do about it. Dating blows
hasaquestion Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 I didn't want to sound like I was totally disregarding anyone's advice, I guess some of my posts have been venting deep frustration. I was/am mostly just mad is what I thought was something that went well ended up being pointless. Especially when you are the one who mostly planned/paid for things and the one who tagged along got to have the final say. Yeah I guess it is what it is, it sucks, and there isn't two craps I can do about it. Dating blows What you described has happened to everyone before. You were more into her than she was into you. Chemistry with people is understanding them. You didn't understand her. Be glad you got that out of the way sooner rather than later. Its a learning experience.
Gaeta Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 I didn't want to sound like I was totally disregarding anyone's advice, I guess some of my posts have been venting deep frustration. I was/am mostly just mad is what I thought was something that went well ended up being pointless. Especially when you are the one who mostly planned/paid for things and the one who tagged along got to have the final say. Yeah I guess it is what it is, it sucks, and there isn't two craps I can do about it. Dating blows Yes it sucks, I have personally learned to not invest too much hope in those first few dates. Also, I can tell when a man has experience in dating and one that doesn't by the type of invitation I get. A man that wants to take me to a restaurant on a first date or second date is new to dating and if he takes the ladies to restaurants each time he meets a new one he will end up bitter and broke. There are tons and tons of dates that don't require spending on each other or spending little. I came across men that felt women only wanted fancy meals out of them WELL then don't take them to restaurants!!! Take her to a park, ice cream parlor, a pic nic, free outside concerts, garage sales, museums...and the list goes on! Keep your money for after those 3 critic first dates.
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