She broke off our engagement

[Rem81]

Hello,

 

I'm at my wits end now. The breaking point. I finally decided to post on here and see if anyone can offer good objective advice. Especially if you've been in a similar situation.

 

I'm not sure where to start so I'll start with the beginning....

 

My fiance moved from Ireland about six years ago. We met randomly on the street after two years of her living in San Francisco. We hit it off almost immediately and began an official relationship after about two weeks of dating. All went very well, after about nine months we decided to give living together a try. She moved in for a month with my son and I at our one bedroom apartment, that was stressful. We eventually moved to a large two bedroom in a much nicer town.

 

Years went by. We had minor fights. Sometimes when we'd drink we'd argue then laugh about it the next day. Sometimes I'd be in a mood and that would start an argument. I always was a bit insecure or maybe controlling. I didn't like it when she'd go stay in San Francisco with her lady friend, not because I didn't trust her but because I didn't like her around. Then one of her friends from Ireland was coming out and wanted to meet her in Vegas. I told her I'd prefer she didn't but wouldn't stop her. Eventually she said she couldn't go due to financial reasons to both myself and her lady friend.

 

We had a lot of fun together. Four years flew by. We took trips frequently on the weekends, sometimes with my son. We went to Costa Rica together twice, back to her home in Ireland multiple times. The day to day was the best though. Those mundane things like cooking with her, playing tennis on the weekends and Eventually I felt like I could spend the rest of my life with her and that she truly accepted me for who I am. She's the first woman I've loved other than my mother. I proposed to her about a year ago and she said yes, when I did it I pulled out all stops. Nice hotel, fancy restaurant where we had our first date, nice ring etc.

 

After the engagement we were both excited. There was minor stress about finances. For some reason I started getting sort of obsessed with getting to the wedding date. I made it my purpose in life. At the same time we quit having fun. Anytime I'd offer to take her out she'd say "lets just stay in and save". Sometimes I would still make a stink about her going out without me when she'd occasionally make plans, she'd just do it anyways then if I'd ask her "Where did you go? Who did you see? What did you do?" she'd get annoyed and complain that I didn't trust her.

 

December rolled around and her and I both had a stressful month at work. My job particularly bad, I'd come home everyday and bitch about something. The holidays are always tough for me too both financially and emotionally. We didn't have great Christmas's when I was a kid. She however grew up in an idyllic Irish household. We were both stress cases that whole month. We didn't fight but we weren't exactly warm to each other. We did a short Lake Tahoe trip with my son which we all had fun for.

 

Then the fighting started. My son is beyond intelligent and he had an assessment to enter his school districts school for gifted children. My fiance said she'd be there but her lady friend in SF invited her to go to a festival that same morning. I said "do whatever you want but I know so-and-so (son) would like for you to be there". She decided to miss the assessment and go with her friend. I chewed her out and told her that it's not alright that she would back out of her commitment to him and that I may have to "re-asses" the relationship. She left angry, the next day she came home from SF and said we have to talk about things.....

 

This first fight was a week after New Years on the weekend we were supposed to send the save the dates for the wedding. She said she's not happy and that she can't handle the pressure. She said that I'm controlling and insecure and that over the last four years she's been unhappy with my moodiness and control. This is the first I've ever heard of when it's put like that. I apologized profusely, I thought she may have been depressed because during the holidays she always gets a bit down. I said that I'm sorry and I'll try better, lets start working out again and having fun. Give it a little while and see how you feel.

 

A week goes by...we worked out together. Saw a couple of movies. I made an active effort to be more positive. Then the next weekend we walked downtown to hang out, a couple of my friends came out. After a few drinks she decided to ignore me and just talk to one of my friends. Eventually I got fed up and said "It's time to go" she said "why" I said "because you've been ignoring me all night and this isn't ok behavior". She takes me outside hands me the engagement rind and starts shouting at me. Eventually I went home and she checked into a hotel. She comes home the next day and says she's really sorry but that it's done. I was shocked that this was actually happening. I told her to give it a couple of weeks and we can work on it...

 

Another week goes by, she tells me she found a place and is moving out. The place is a studio with a short-term lease. It's about 5 minutes from my place. I'm still in shock at this point, the water works start. She says she's at her wits end because I won't stop talking about things trying to find a solutions. She says she has to escape and that she feels trapped. She moves herself out on a Monday.

 

So about three weeks from our first fight and not much talking and she's already moved out. She says she wants a "break". During this time we're supposed to not be seeing other people and working on ourselves. I sell the engagement ring, she told me to. Plus I need the money for she shortfall in rent due to her abandoning her financial responsibilities.

 

It's been a month now since she's moved out. We see each other an hour here or there. We talk everyday, usually text or chat on Facebook too. Since she's moved out I've missed five days of work. I cry uncontrollably here and there. I'm having a real hard time coping which is totally unlike me, before her I was a hard ass. Sometimes our conversation is pleasant, sometimes it's me fumbling trying to convince her to come around or asking for reassurance. Today she says I'm smothering her and she's still at her wits end. When I bring up that she never made a point that I should work on those things she didn't like, she says "I was always telling you". I guess I just wasn't listening.

 

We've talked about counseling but she's totally opposed to it (Irish cultural thing).

 

So how do I deal with this? What do I do? She hasn't given me a lot of information to work off of other than I'm controlling, insecure and moody. We had arguments about that stuff before but it never seemed extreme enough for her to leave me over. The speed at which she left was totally shocking. I'm distraught. We had a real connection and I felt like she was the one. She keeps telling me to "back-off" and says "lets just see how it goes". She won't make plans with me to do anything and won't commit to anything but we aren't seeing other people. I'm a planner, I make things happen what does "lets just see how it goes" even mean?

 

I'm listening. Just an FYI, I know for a fact there is no other love interest nor has there ever been. I snooped after we started fighting, it's not something I'm proud of.

[somegoodman]

So how do I deal with this? What do I do? She hasn't given me a lot of information to work off of other than I'm controlling, insecure and moody. We had arguments about that stuff before but it never seemed extreme enough for her to leave me over. The speed at which she left was totally shocking. I'm distraught. We had a real connection and I felt like she was the one. She keeps telling me to "back-off" and says "lets just see how it goes". She won't make plans with me to do anything and won't commit to anything but we aren't seeing other people. I'm a planner, I make things happen what does "lets just see how it goes" even mean?

.

 

 

 

Maybe you aren't seeing anybody but she certainly is. She doesn't want you to know about it yet.

 

 

"Let's just see hot it goes" means "I don't care about you anymore and I'm going to get ****ed by my new guy but if for some reason that doesn't work out I'll come back and feed off of your attachment to me until I find something better".

[Rem81]

I appreciate your input but I just don't think that is the case. She's not the type to lie or be deceitful like that. Also, she pretty much talks to me or texts me everyday but she says "I'm not ready to date you again yet". If she did want to have an affair she wouldn't have suggested monogamy.

[Chi townD]

Maybe you aren't seeing anybody but she certainly is. She doesn't want you to know about it yet.

 

 

"Let's just see hot it goes" means "I don't care about you anymore and I'm going to get ****ed by my new guy but if for some reason that doesn't work out I'll come back and feed off of your attachment to me until I find something better".

 

 

 

Nah, I'm not getting that full on cheating vibe I normally get. But, I do think that her girlfriend in SF had a hand in her decision to "take a break" and got her into GIGS mode.

 

 

She's definitely seeing if there's something else out there. It wouldn't surprise me if she was talking to guys and they are nothing more than "friends" at the moment. But, when one comes along that she would like to make a little more than friends with, guarantee you that she'll make this "taking a break" a permanent break up.

 

 

This is a good case of GIGS.

[somegoodman]

I appreciate your input but I just don't think that is the case. She's not the type to lie or be deceitful like that. Also, she pretty much talks to me or texts me everyday but she says "I'm not ready to date you again yet". If she did want to have an affair she wouldn't have suggested monogamy.

 

 

lol. ok man.

 

 

Seriously though, take off the blinders. You're being naïve. Women have no problem lying to you if it benefits them, no matter how much you think you can trust her. She will act on her emotions and then justify it after the fact, and then even try to make YOU feel guilty for it afterwards.

 

 

Go ahead and ignore my words but just be armed for hurt.

[BlueIris]

Try reading “Controlling People” by Patricia Evans. It's pretty interesting.

[mtnbiker3000]

Although a slightly different situation, my fiance also broke off our engagement. So I feel the pain and confusion. It sucks and even a year later, I still struggle trying to comprehend what the hell happened and when and why things turned around, beacuse like you, it was so perfect for so long, then... whammo. See ya

 

Unfortunately, I have to agree with somegoodman, that there is someone else. Or she wants there to be someone else. And, yes, women (people) will satisfy their wants and needs and have no problem justifying and rationalizing their actions. This is what happened to me...

[BC1980]

I had something quite similar happen to me after 3 years. Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do. When people decide to end it, they are done. They aren't going to entertain much in the way of finding solutions to fix the relationship because they have already reasoned this out in their minds. Likely, she has been thinking about this for awhile, but you didn't know it.

[FloridaKeys]

The only way to get her back, if that is your intention, is to go NO CONTACT. Give her the space she wants, and show her you're not needy. She wants a man in control, a masculine confident figure. I don't mean blocking her numbers, but do not contact her. Wait for her to contact you. Do not meet up with her unless she requests, and maybe even express a little hesitation and wait a bit to meet. Even cancel and reschedule. And if u do meet up, don't be obsessed and talk about the relationship. Show her u have other things on your plate and that you can have a good time without her. This is the only way to make her see how her life is without you in it. Leave any meetup first, say you have a couple of things to do. If you go for lunch, maybe she should pay half.

 

It hurts terribly not to contact her because you'll always think there's that one more thing that you could have said to her to change her mind.

 

But from what you've written, IMHO this seems to be the only way.Good luck!

[Rem81]

Thank you for the insight everyone.

 

We've had a fee phone conversations the last couple of days that have given me more insight. She mentioned that the way I treated her is what drover her to get space. She's right, I can be very hard to live with. Grouchy and lazy on the weekdays. I started talking to someone and they suggested I could be clinically depressed, they gave me a prescription for Wellbutrin. My ex-fiancé was happy to hear I was getting help.

 

She confirmed again that she wants us to be committed and says that she needs time to decompress before we can start again. I'm feeling optimistic but I still need to back off and as the above poster suggests be a MAN.

[somegoodman]

 

She confirmed again that she wants us to be committed and says that she needs time to decompress before we can start again. I'm feeling optimistic but I still need to back off and as the above poster suggests be a MAN.

 

 

Be very wary...I know you won't listen but this whole "needs time before we can start again" is just a smokescreen. Nothing is what it seems, remember that.

[Rem81]

I understand why you would say that and I'm trying not to hope for the best without preparing for the worst. That having been said she has legitimate reasons for leaving me. She says she wants the old me back, not the stressed out fearful me I've become. A lot has happened over the last two years including the death of my father and my dog, I think I just let myself get way to wigged out.

[mtnbiker3000]

I understand why you would say that and I'm trying not to hope for the best without preparing for the worst. That having been said she has legitimate reasons for leaving me. She says she wants the old me back, not the stressed out fearful me I've become. A lot has happened over the last two years including the death of my father and my dog, I think I just let myself get way to wigged out.

 

Sorry man, but this has disaster for you written all over it... You aren't the first and you won't be the last. But you ARE being played like a piano at this moment.

 

Tell her you think NC is a good idea for now and go radio silence for at least 90 days. Then at that point you will have a much clearer picture of what is really going on. If you stay in contact and playing her games, you will not have a pleasant experience and lose out in the end anyway...

[Rem81]

You're probably right. I'm giving too much. I just can't seem to wrap my head around a life without her. Probably co-dependency from growing up in an alcoholic household. I also find myself making excuses for her and agreeing with what she says, though most of it is true.

[lolablue17]

I chewed her out and told her that it's not alright that she would back out of her commitment to him and that I may have to "re-asses" the relationship.

 

in one sentence you revealed the essence the problem. (your part)

 

1. You are too controlling. she tested you and you failed. She wanted to see if you can accept her independency and you tried to force her to do something she didnt want to do.

2. You tried to educate her. she is not your child so dont lecture her what's right or whats wrong.

3. You used threats and ultimatum. it works maybe in business, not in a relationship.

4. You were playing poker with cards you didnt have. she's better poker player.

 

You dont need me to understand your mistakes, you know them already.

But your Ex-fiance also made some major mistakes of her own. things that you should stop to only trying to restore you're status. instead use this break to think - do you want a girl that doesnt feel any commitment to your son. or the way she throws all the blame on you... these are not good signs.

 

I suggest full NC during the break for at least 2 weeks, maybe a month. in this time you will have a better view whether you want her or not, and if she comes back, you will be sure she's doing it by her own will, not by you pressuring her.

Edited March 15, 2014 by lolablue17

[chelsea2011]

You're probably right. I'm giving too much. I just can't seem to wrap my head around a life without her. Probably co-dependency from growing up in an alcoholic household. I also find myself making excuses for her and agreeing with what she says, though most of it is true.

 

Sounds like you're being manipulated. A manipulator always gives you enough information to make it sound believable, but the reality is they are deliberately trying to throw you off track and keep you confused. Stop trying to figure her out and start focusing on taking care of yourself. And when you do, be on the watch for other tactics being used on you. For instance, she may all of a sudden start showing you attention to weaken your resolve so you give in and let her have control again. Once you do then it's ack to the same ol' game. Don't listen to her words; watch her actions instead. Does she act sweet yet throw something very subtle in that hurts you? Don't over look these little covertly aggressive attempts to hurt and throw you off center - they are 100% intentional.

[mandidee]

A controlling man will make a woman resent him. I lived with a man very similar to yourself for 15 years. NEVER once did I do anything wrong as far as being unfaithful yet I was accused of lying, cheating and being deceitful almost daily. Eventually I left. I finally realized that I shouldn't have to worry about how mad or upset he would be because I was having coffee with a friend or my sister. When I did get to go out I found myself consumed with thoughts of how I would deal with him when getting home.

 

You sound nice and all but you also sound very needy. She is independent and has a life. That is not a bad thing. No one should have to live in a relationship where they feel imprisoned. I am not implying that your relationship with your gf was this bad, but I can say that I see red flags all over the place.....just my opinion.

[Strength in Healing]

I've heard this song and dance in my own life. Almost verbatim. Hate to tell you, you're likely not getting back together, ever. Your best bet is to go NC 100% and maybe one day she will come back. But otherwise, it's sealed, it's a done deal, you won't convince her to come back,

 

And you're being too hard on yourself with the whole "dependent because of alcoholic" etc. I specialize in psychology, and I can tell you that's asinine. You feel this way because you cared about her. You don't want her to go. It's normal, not because you had an alcoholic parent. Lol

 

Lastly, she likely either found another guy or is looking. I'm not screwing with you, and likely, I'm not wrong.

[sidney2718]

Thank you for the insight everyone.

 

We've had a fee phone conversations the last couple of days that have given me more insight. She mentioned that the way I treated her is what drover her to get space. She's right, I can be very hard to live with. Grouchy and lazy on the weekdays. I started talking to someone and they suggested I could be clinically depressed, they gave me a prescription for Wellbutrin. My ex-fiancé was happy to hear I was getting help.

 

She confirmed again that she wants us to be committed and says that she needs time to decompress before we can start again. I'm feeling optimistic but I still need to back off and as the above poster suggests be a MAN.

 

In reading your story you admit that after the engagement you changed, and not for the better from her point of view. You basically say the same thing above. I think that's the key.

 

Don't go off the deep end here, at least not yet. What folks forget is that if she really wanted to dump you, she'd have dumped you, period. She didn't. It is possible that she just wanted to get away from the "new" you? I think it is.

 

What to do? Work on changing yourself. The depression is one thing, but I suspect it comes more from the splitting up than anything else. Grouchy and lazy and things like that? There's the key. Work on that. You don't have to brag about it to her, she'll see it soon enough. Just continue talking to her. Don't beg, don't be a pushover. But you can be empathetic. (Empathy does NOT make a man look weak.)

 

The next move is really up to her. Your relationship might not work out, but it might. It seems to have had a good foundation. Perhaps her needing to be alone would allow a "date night" once a week? If so, just have fun. Don't get into the relationship argument.

 

I wish you luck. Success is NOT guaranteed. Just don't go looking for the darkest interpretation of whatever happens. Dark may happen. Just don't help it.

[sidney2718]

in one sentence you revealed the essence the problem. (your part)

 

1. You are too controlling. she tested you and you failed. She wanted to see if you can accept her independency and you tried to force her to do something she didnt want to do.

2. You tried to educate her. she is not your child so dont lecture her what's right or whats wrong.

3. You used threats and ultimatum. it works maybe in business, not in a relationship.

4. You were playing poker with cards you didnt have. she's better poker player.

 

You dont need me to understand your mistakes, you know them already.

But your Ex-fiance also made some major mistakes of her own. things that you should stop to only trying to restore you're status. instead use this break to think - do you want a girl that doesnt feel any commitment to your son. or the way she throws all the blame on you... these are not good signs.

 

I suggest full NC during the break for at least 2 weeks, maybe a month. in this time you will have a better view whether you want her or not, and if she comes back, you will be sure she's doing it by her own will, not by you pressuring her.

 

I agree with Lola, especially her four points.

[Rem81]

As an update.....

 

We spoke last night. She told me that she wanted to work on it and wanted to see if I could make changes but I was acting too f-ing crazy. Now she's frightened of me and doesn't know who I am. She says that me calling, texting, facebook messaging and crying on the phone is not healthy. That went on for five weeks. Now she wants a break where there will be no contact, she still wants us to be committed while she evaluates her feelings and I get my **** together.

 

I've started to see a shrink. I still hope in my heart of hearts that she comes back around and I can repair this. I did more damage than good with my wigging out.

[Chi townD]

Geez, what a mess. She says you're too controlling, but she's dictating the hell out of how this "taking a break" progresses.

 

 

I would say to you, start moving on with your life, dude. Start living your life as if she isn't coming back. Because, chances are, she's not.

[Keenly]

Red flag when she said she was upset with you because you wouldn't stop "trying to find solutions."

 

You can't work with somebody who won't work with you.

[StGeorge22]

Hi rem

 

I really hope things work out. But like a few other posters, this is a very similar situation to myself. Based on my experience, she is keeping you on stand by while she figures out what she wants. I wasn't engaged like you, but we were together for 5 years. Like you we started fighting, she claimed I didn't take the relationship serious enough because we weren't engaged (she had some mental health issues and couldn't work for a while so we literally had no money so I was in no rush).

 

Anyway, she said she wanted a break. I was going overseas for a few weeks and she decided to move out. BUT she kept me hanging by saying we will reassss in a few months but we should stay faithful in that time (sound familiar).

 

At the end of a few months I did all the things you are doing, begged etc. It was at this point that I found out she was seeing someone else. Was shattered, but decided I finally had to leave it. It was an old friend of hers who lived in a different state so I didn't think it would last.

 

This is where it gets really messed up.

 

A month goes by and she calls telling me she made a mistake and that she wants to try. Of course I'm happy, but it wasn't the same. She still hasn't let go of all her hang ups about the relationship.

 

This went on for all of last year. Hang out for 2 months, she would bail for a month, come back, it would all happen all over again.

 

Basically it ended when she told me she couldn't decide so was moving states. You can imagine my lack of surprise when she told me she was moving to the state of her friend who she hooked up with. She swore he didn't even live there anymore and wanted us to do long distance and councelling. When I found out he did live there, she swore they were just friends.

Fast forward a few months later, they are together.

 

The point of my long story is that she kept me from moving on, not because she wanted to be with me, but because she didn't want me to move on while she made up her mind.

 

My biggest regret is not going nc for longer. Every time I did, it was only for a month and she would come back.

 

My biggest advise is that you don't let her dictate the terms. If you do she will know she has the power, and from my experience will see what else is out there while knowing you are on stand by.

 

I know you might think it's risky, but I think you should tell her that if she wants NC, it's not a break, it's a break up. Don't stay hanging while she makes up her mind.

 

Honestly, I wish you the best of luck

[Rem81]

Thank you everyone who commented on this post with your insights! I was in a hard place and some of you were very helpful.

 

Unfortunately after four months of me beating myself up thinking I was good enough the truth has come out. She's been sleeping with a friend of mine that I've known for 17 years.

 

Frankly, I'm not even pissed...just embarrassed because he's a loser. Also, I'm relieved to know that I didn't really do anything wrong. I couldn't hold her attention because obviously she was a floosie. Now I feel like I dodged a bullet and am moving onwards and upwards into greater things.

 

I have a girlfriend who is very family friendly and accepting of my son (though they haven't met yet), I have a new job doing something I love again and I live one block from downtown. I'm not super religious or spiritual but I can help but think that FATE stepped in and diverted my course.

 

Tomorrow is another day and I'm going to start it by being the best I can be.