Children and how the **** up your marriage.

[waterwoman]

I’ve been reading around here a bit and there seems to be a theme some with men who have affairs that their wives cared more about their children than they did about them. They felt neglected. Their wives became ‘mummy’. H grudgingly admitted that yes, he was a little jealous of the children (understatement!!!)

 

]I know I got very involved in my children – I didn’t expect to – I didn’t want children right up until about 6 m before I fell pregnant. I was 31 when I had my first child and 38 when I had my third, so we hadn’t exactly rushed into things. H was the one who wanted babies but had resigned himself to never having any if he stayed with me.

 

Over the first few years when DS1 was born and DD a few years later H was working shifts – irregular shifts - so that we didn’t have a lot of time together as a family. I got used to feeling a bit like a lone parents at times. He got used to being a part-time dad. But on top of that he went out several times a week with his friends. He always had done this but it might have been sensible to stop in the current circumstances. As time went on my children got closer to me, I was the one who was always there every morning and night time – I did the homework with them, I read to them, I cooked their meals, I got them up in the morning and took them to school. But it was OK. He still behaved lovingly and patiently with them when he was home.. H stopped working shifts but he still carried on going out with his friends. He still he had a reaonable relationship with the kids. It was still OK.I was run ragged but it was OK.

 

DS2 arrived – unexpectedly. We both agreed to continue with the pregnancy in spite of not really planning 3 children. Life got harder without a doubt. Financially harder – more mouths to feed, bigger car needed, I went down to 30 hours a week at work. And over the next few years my husband and our childrens’ father started behaving like a total arse. Going out more and more, being irritable, intolerant with the children, jealous of my attention to them, jealous of my relationship with them. He started getting angry about stupid things such as having ‘his’ chair to sit in in the evening, about not letting the children disagree with him about anything. He got angry with me when i tried to tackle him about it – he thought I should support him even if I didn’t agree with what he was saying. They became nervous of him, they didn’t enjoy his company and he didn’t enjoy theirs. As a result they chose to spend more time with me and avoid him. That seemed to suit him fine. I compensated by being more loving with them, giving them more of my time. I can see now that that was entirely the wrong thing to do - I should have backed him up and been more loving to him but boy that is hard to do when someone is upsetting your kids day in day out. And I started avoiding him too – he was such a miserable cross person to be with. My kids loved me and wanted to be with me. H apparently didn’t. He was fairly toxic to be around at times.I never stopped loving him but I will admit I found it hard to be loving towards him – it’s hard to cuddle a hedgehog with a bad attitude and an ability to sulk for his country.

 

I was also carrying almost all of the burden of the household tasks. I was the go-to guy for everything. I had no energy or time for anything – least of all a man who seemed to dislike his family.

 

OW gave him the unqualified unexamined admiration and adoration that I wasn’t. And that the children weren’t. She filled that big hole inside him. When I found out he told me he didn’t think I’d care because I didn’t seem to love him.

 

The affair reset the clock in a way. We have both had to rethink our family dynamics and this was addressed in MC. I have seen their relationships heal slowly, I have seen him laugh with them and tease them and seen them do the same thing back. Tension has eased. My eldest son particularly wanted a relationship with his dad but was the most reluctant at first to let his guard down – it’s happening now.

 

But my question is, how else should I have behaved in those circumstances? We both choose to have children. We were both supposed to love and support them. I imagined that we would both embrace parenthood with enthusiasm, give it all we had, and when H didn’t seem to, should i have pulled back as well? So he didn’t feel left out? Isn’t looking after your children as sign of love for your partner too – they are a symbol of our love and commitments to each other. I cared for them because I wanted OUR children to be well and happy.

 

Hindsight is a wonderful thing....

[underwater2010]

I am not sure if your title was Children and how THEY f up your marriage or Children and a f'ed up marriage.

 

 

If it is the first....I strongly disagree. From reading your post it sounds like both you and your husband on different pages. You both had a different take on where your marriage was headed. TOTALLY NORMAL. A lot of us end up in the same position when it comes to a family and responsibilities. Which is sadly why we find ourselves here.

 

 

I don't care what anyone says about which should come first the kids or husband. I brought these innocent beings into the world and my priority is to keep the safe and raise them to be productive adults. I chose to do so with a partner, that should also think that they are more important than meeting up with friends/coworkers for an after work drink (once in awhile is ok). If both partners are there to help with the kids then they will have more time to spend on one another.

 

 

You are right, hindsight is 20/20. We cannot change the past, but we can learn from it and hope the WS does too.

[HermioneG]

You did what was right. He did not.

 

There was nothing you could have done differently to compel him to behave differently at the time. What was wrong with him is what caused the problem.

 

Read up on overbenefitted spouses. They detach because they are not involved in the family life and giving as much to the marriage or the children. The reasons why they do that are internally determined, not externally.

 

I am so glad to hear your family is healing!!

[waterwoman]

It was meant to be 'Children and how they **** up your marriage'. And it was tongue in cheek.

[waterwoman]

Just remembering how I used to dread Sunday dinner which was the one day we'd all sit down together and eat a formal meal. I would sit and wait for one of them to annoy him. And then someone would do something and he'd get that gritted-teeth voice on and the tension would build and I'd try to distract or change the subject and the kids would fall silent apart from DS2 (who cowtows to NO-ONE) who would just argue and demand reasons why he should or shouldn't do X or Y and H would just got more and more angry. And if I dared to tackle him he'd walk out and make some sarcastic comment.

 

Reading that back he was quite simply abusive really. Should have kicked him out. Let OW have him so he could shout at her kids instead.

 

His father did a real number on him.

[oldshirt]

Wow. Very well written firsthand account of life as a wife turned mother. I think that should be required reading for all new parents and parents-to-be.

 

I was dangerously close to being your husband. I never completely disconnected all the way and I never had an affair, although I have been dangerously close to both at times.

 

You do a good job of describing the downward spiral from the wife/mothers perspective and do a good job of showing how a W/M does lose respect, admiration and desire for the husband when he detaches and starts doing his own thing.

 

I can offer this from the Husband/Father (H/F) perspective - it's a rough blow from our perspective too. Some guys yearn for fatherhood and be an active and involved parent. The other 90% of us just kind stumble into it and accept that fatherhood is just kind of part-and-parcel of having a female partner even though it's not really on our life dream list.

 

Life changes so drastically when baby arrives. That beautiful, sweet, sexy woman that used to look up to you with those big lovely-dovey eyes and would cuddle up to you and want to be with you, now sneers at you and barks orders at you like a pissed off drill sargent. When you get home the end of the day you are no longer met with a smile and hug and smooch but are met with a laundry list of complaints and gripes and problems that you are doing an inadequate job of fixing.

 

The you used to know that was happy and easy going and personable is now stressed and anxiety ridden and pissed off and exhausted.

 

"You should help her out more..." You say so that she isn't so stressed and tired?

Sounds good on paper, but the reality is nothing I do as a father is good enough, fast enough, tidy enough or done the right way. And of course I don't have the boobs.

 

The the resentments that guys aren't mothers starts almost immediately. I went from being her hero to being a zero that just got in the way almost over night.

 

I swore an oath that I wasn't going to be one of those horndog husbands whining and bitching about the crimp in the sexlife. I accepted from day-one that there would be decrease in the sexlife, but after six months of me in the bedroom and her sleeping with the baby in another room took its toll.

 

Men give and receive love through their sexuality. When there's no sexuality a man starts to lose his connection and feelings of warmth. What was once your special someone and your queen that you would move mountains for and take a bullet for and run into a burning building for, now day by day becomes just another woman that botched and complains and wants things from you without offering anything up of her own.

 

We love our children and want the best for them but the day to day nurturing and hands on care for children is something we have to learn and adapt to, it's not in our DNA. When we try to do something and then get criticized and discouraged from a more active role you learn it's easier to go along and stay out of the way.

 

As time passes you start to miss your wife. You start to miss your girlfriend. You miss going out and doing things. You miss the closeness. You miss having someone actually desire you and want you rather than someone someone either outright rejecting you all the time or someone that will occasionally just give it up to keep you quiet and they lay there looking at the clock.

 

In time you start to notice other women. And more dangerously you notice other women noticing you. Before you know it, you realize it's been years since someone wanted to be with you because they actually like you and desire and are attracted to you for you and not for what you provide to them.

 

Where I've had internal conflict is I've always had nothing but disdain and disgust for cheaters, but now that I've been through child rearing, I understand it and know how it happens. I'm actually surprised more people don't do it, both men and women.

 

I now understand how women can be drawn into too. I understand how women can feel just as abandoned and just as neglected and unappreciated as men and how that can leave them vulnerable to someone showing them some attention, appreciation and desire.

[waterwoman]

Thanks oldshirt. That was interesting.

 

But H wanted kids. He wanted them more than me.It almost felt as if he wanted me to be a less involved mother, he actually wanted me to parent less well. And we never stopped having sex - it only reduced over the last few years when he was so hostile and when my depression got very serious (related? I wonder)

 

I would never have criticised him for not doing things properly. I just complained when he didn't do them at all? What am I? An unpaid nanny?

 

What should you have done differently? What should I (or your wife) done differently? My post might be useful for parents to be but what can they take away from it>

[Keenly]

Men need to feel needed. They need to be appreciated, or they feel all of their efforts are unnoticed and thus pointless.

 

There are too many women these days who seem to completely forget about their role as loving wife when the kids come. Once they become mothers, they don't need the man anymore, except for his paycheck and his babysitting so she can have alone time.

 

 

I'm a firm believer that if you marry some one, your partner and your relationship ALWAYS comes first, THEN your kids. How else are you supposed to handle your kids as a unified front?

 

You can not emotionally neglect one half of your parenting team and then demand they put in the equal effort that you are. ( referring to that one guys post )

 

 

So many women see men as expendable once they pop a few out. Thean isn't needed anymore, let alone wanted. Of course he is going to get bitter and resentful, because that woman he fell in love with and felt like he wanted to give her the world now doesn't ever have two minutes for him, and then she demands so much out of him, wanting him to do more and more for her or for the kids while receiving IF ANYTHING the absolute bare minimum of living attention that a person could ask for.

 

So.. TL:DR , the team of husband and wife comes first, then kids. That's how a solid family unit runs.

[Furious]

I’ve been reading around here a bit and there seems to be a theme some with men who have affairs that their wives cared more about their children than they did about them. They felt neglected. Their wives became ‘mummy’. H grudgingly admitted that yes, he was a little jealous of the children (understatement!!!)

 

 

Over the first few years when DS1 was born and DD a few years later H was working shifts – irregular shifts - so that we didn’t have a lot of time together as a family. I got used to feeling a bit like a lone parents at times. He got used to being a part-time dad.

 

But on top of that he went out several times a week with his friends. He always had done this but it might have been sensible to stop in the current circumstances. As time went on my children got closer to me, I was the one who was always there every morning and night time – I did the homework with them, I read to them, I cooked their meals, I got them up in the morning and took them to school.

 

But it was OK. He still behaved lovingly and patiently with them when he was home.. H stopped working shifts but he still carried on going out with his friends. He still he had a reaonable relationship with the kids. It was still OK.I was run ragged but it was OK.

 

DS2 arrived – unexpectedly. We both agreed to continue with the pregnancy in spite of not really planning 3 children. Life got harder without a doubt. Financially harder – more mouths to feed, bigger car needed, I went down to 30 hours a week at work.

 

And over the next few years my husband and our childrens’ father started behaving like a total arse. Going out more and more, being irritable, intolerant with the children, jealous of my attention to them, jealous of my relationship with them. He started getting angry about stupid things such as having ‘his’ chair to sit in in the evening, about not letting the children disagree with him about anything. He got angry with me when i tried to tackle him about it – he thought I should support him even if I didn’t agree with what he was saying.

 

They became nervous of him, they didn’t enjoy his company and he didn’t enjoy theirs. As a result they chose to spend more time with me and avoid him. That seemed to suit him fine. I compensated by being more loving with them, giving them more of my time. I can see now that that was entirely the wrong thing to do - I should have backed him up and been more loving to him but boy that is hard to do when someone is upsetting your kids day in day out. And I started avoiding him too – he was such a miserable cross person to be with. My kids loved me and wanted to be with me. H apparently didn’t. He was fairly toxic to be around at times.I never stopped loving him but I will admit I found it hard to be loving towards him – it’s hard to cuddle a hedgehog with a bad attitude and an ability to sulk for his country.

 

I was also carrying almost all of the burden of the household tasks. I was the go-to guy for everything. I had no energy or time for anything – least of all a man who seemed to dislike his family.

 

OW gave him the unqualified unexamined admiration and adoration that I wasn’t. And that the children weren’t. She filled that big hole inside him. When I found out he told me he didn’t think I’d care because I didn’t seem to love him.

 

The affair reset the clock in a way. We have both had to rethink our family dynamics and this was addressed in MC. I have seen their relationships heal slowly, I have seen him laugh with them and tease them and seen them do the same thing back. Tension has eased. My eldest son particularly wanted a relationship with his dad but was the most reluctant at first to let his guard down – it’s happening now.

 

But my question is, how else should I have behaved in those circumstances? We both choose to have children. We were both supposed to love and support them. I imagined that we would both embrace parenthood with enthusiasm, give it all we had, and when H didn’t seem to, should i have pulled back as well? So he didn’t feel left out? Isn’t looking after your children as sign of love for your partner too – they are a symbol of our love and commitments to each other. I cared for them because I wanted OUR children to be well and happy.

 

Hindsight is a wonderful thing....

 

 

It's not uncommon that for some men and women having children and becoming a parent doesn't mesh with the reality of actually parenting and accepting that for awhile the caring for the children will take center stage, especially with a newborn and until they are in school full time, and that the parent's ego and freedom to come and go is taxed.

 

The parent who is most often agreived by the sacrifices and changes in their lifestyle will drop the ball if they see their spouse is willing to pick up the slack and take on more of the child rearing responsibility. Couple that with a spouse who doesn't want to nag or rain on their spouse's free time will most often suck it in but that in itself can and will develop into resentment.

 

Mature and grounded spouses understand the meaning of change and sacrifice and know they can handle the cycles in marriage and parenting that at times requires putting their own needs on the back burner for awhile. This type of understanding also applies to starting a business, getting a degree, building a career. It's not fun at times and requires great commitment, risk, and the belief that in the end the hard work will payoff. It's a vision of long term as opposed to the short term.

 

Ironically, male or females, who get into affairs, are in an essence rebelling against adulthood and parenthood. Ironically, while in an affair, some cheaters project an image of being such a loving parent and are usually the least involved and neglectful of their children's everyday needs.

 

I'm sure my comment may bristle some WS's. I believe WS's do love their children but can compartmentalize their children and marriage in an odd sort of way. Usually, it's wanting an intact family and life partner with someone on the side. Usually, it's a pattern of passive agressiveness and conflict avoidance.

 

In hindsight, it's obvious what anyone could have said or done differently. Accept that you cannot change the past but you can learn and grow from it.

[Jonah]

I've always had a fetish for moms. Especially good moms... As a real woman, they are super desirable and sexy.

[grassisorisntgreener]

This is such an interesting topic. And I love hearing both sides.

 

For me, I checked out when my entire life changed and his did not. I was the one doing everything. I know that isn't most mothers situations, but it was mine. I was of the mindset that despite having children, your husband came first. I made sure he was always happy and taken care of. He had sex whenever he wanted it, and I did almost all of the child rearing. I'm not saying he wasn't helpful around the house, but my needs were at the very bottom of the priority list, basically unnoticed.

 

I cheated. It felt amazing to feel wanted and desired for ME, and not for what responsibilities I had at home.

 

The amazing feeling wore off quickly, I fell hard and I deal with the pain of the entire situation every single day. Cheating is the absolute worst. But it's so easy to do. Unfortunately.

[waterwoman]

There are too many women these days who seem to completely forget about their role as loving wife when the kids come. Once they become mothers, they don't need the man anymore, except for his paycheck and his babysitting so she can have alone time.

 

That is interesting. Why do fathers not do the same thing I wonder? Once they have the kid they don't want the woman anymore? Does it mean that men don't value their children as highly as women do? or that their wives mean more to them than theit children? I don't want to beleive that.

 

I just assumed that H would love and enjoy our children as much as I did. In fact he chose to shut himself out. I didn't do it to him.

 

BTW I worked full-time apart from a few years when I was only on 30 hrs a week AND I earned far more than he did. I have wondered if in actual fact he felt emasculated. But short of stepping back from the children, giving up my job, let it all go, I don't see how I could have done things differently.

 

I do agree that the partnership has to come first. But that has to come from both parents - and part of that is pulling your weight AS a parent and a chore-doer so that the partnership has the time to thrive when thos responsibilities are fulfilled.

[waterwoman]

grass - I can sympathise. I felt like a beast of burden, an unpaid servant, a miserable downtrodden homebody .... a relationship with an attractive man who actually seemed to like me and want to spend tme with me would have been so tempting. But as it happened it was the other way round. Insult to bloody injury!

[waterwoman]

.... but my needs were at the very bottom of the priority list, basically unnoticed.

 

Yep. Totally. He got to go out with his friends, he got to go to football matches at the weekend, he got to come home and collapse in front of the TV because he was stressed and tired. In order to stop him being irritable I didn't pressurise him to do anything. He was in clover.

[waterwoman]

And..... sorry to keep posting on my own thread.... I do feel sorry for him. I can see now that he was really unhappy. But so was I. I feel sorry for me too. I have apologised to him since dday for letting him think I didn't love him. He has never apologised for being a selfish twat for years and years. Hey ho......

[grassisorisntgreener]

Yep. Totally. He got to go out with his friends, he got to go to football matches at the weekend, he got to come home and collapse in front of the TV because he was stressed and tired. In order to stop him being irritable I didn't pressurise him to do anything. He was in clover.

 

Yes this. Exactly.

 

The worst part, was when I did take time for myself (which was not often), I would ask my mom to watch our children so he didn't have to be "bothered"...if he did have them, and I would call to check in, he would never say everything was going great (he does now), but would go on about how whiney they were or how he thought they were getting sick. I didn't enjoy any time outside of the house. And he never took them anywhere. Ever. We've been parents for 7 years now and I could count on both hands how many times he has taken them. One hand if you count if he's taken both at the same time.

[Spark1111]

WW....in many ways, I could have written your post!

 

I too, did it all for an H who worked and commuted long hours, EVEN to interviewing and calling the babysitter for date night.

 

Not once did he make a plan, call a sitter, feed, bathe, and ready the children for her arrival.....Not once. by the time I left the house for partner fun and flirting, I was exhausted...

 

Did I resent much? You bet. And still I/we walked on eggshells lest he be irritable, tired, needing a golf outing, etc. Kids and I grew sooo close because we were happy, and he was not. Period. I can certainly see how he could feel like an outsider.

 

But I think he allowed it. I believe he helped to push us far, far away. When challenged, he would blow. I think he learned this behavior very, very young.

 

If a man chooses to MATE with a woman for the purpose of bearing his offspring, and she devotes herself maniacally to their well being, what the bloody hell is wrong with that? That is procreation of the species, the strongest biological urge there is.

 

He married well, I would say.

 

If he grows resentful of her lack of attention, HE can pick up the phone, find a good sitter, make the arrangements for an overnight where they can have at it like rabbits.

 

Yes, you can have a child-centric marriage, but instead of whining or festering about it, plans can be made to change it once in a while to a partner-centered marriage.

[dichotomy]

That is interesting. Why do fathers not do the same thing I wonder? Once they have the kid they don't want the woman anymore? Does it mean that men don't value their children as highly as women do? or that their wives mean more to them than theit children? I don't want to beleive that.

 

I just assumed that H would love and enjoy our children as much as I did. In fact he chose to shut himself out. I didn't do it to him.

 

 

 

I am not going to say I did not want my wife anymore - of course I did. But I also, desperately so, wanted kid(s), and it was a long hard journey for me to get them. In fact by the time I had a biokid, I was so gung ho I kind of bumped heads with my wife and went over board as a parent - reading books, buying stuff, and frankly dominating things. I have since calmed down and we do a good job of equal sharing of parenting..but at first ? wooo boy.

 

Honestly I wanted it all - passionate relationship with wife, and superdad. But when our marriage struggled, due to my wife's issues and EA....in the end my being a dad was more important and at times was the only thing going.

 

So ya some men are this way.

Edited March 13, 2014 by dichotomy

[grassisorisntgreener]

Spark - I'm on the other side, I'm the WS...but I know what you mean about making plans and getting a sitter.

 

My husband and I were arguing several months ago, he said that he felt like I didn't want him around and that I made plans with my friends and I never included him and didn't plan dates. I asked him point blank, when have you EVER made a plan for us or set up a date and a babysitter. He had no reply. I think if his family was closer and he had them to ask as far as babysitting that may have been different, but I still don't see it as an excuse.

 

The only time he ever made the plan to go out, is if his friends were all going out with their wives, then we'd tag along.

[waterwoman]

dichotomy - glad to hear it!

 

BTW I have stopped ranting now. Got it all out of my system. Thanks

 

 

Now carry on everyone....

[waterwoman]

"

If a man chooses to MATE with a woman for the purpose of bearing his offspring, and she devotes herself maniacally to their well being, what the bloody hell is wrong with that? That is procreation of the species, the strongest biological urge there is.

 

He married well, I would say.

 

If he grows resentful of her lack of attention, HE can pick up the phone, find a good sitter, make the arrangements for an overnight where they can have at it like rabbits"

 

Too effing right!!!

 

Ok... sorry that was another small rant <sits on hands>

[pteromom]

Just want to say, waterwoman, that your thinking is spot on.

 

It is common for a mom to become very involved with their children, and even when they are putting effort into the marriage as well, obviously they don't have the same amount of time and energy to put into it as they did before children.

 

This is when it becomes so important to have an involved dad too. The more energy a mom has left at the end of each day, the more likely she is to want to be loving with her husband. If he sits around all day or goes and does his own thing, then comes sniffing around for lovin' when she finally collapses from all the childcare, housework, etc., it's not going to go so well for him.

 

Children are a lot of work! And two partners dividing that work is the way to do it.

 

BUT - you can't force him to do it. You can't force him to like your children, or to want to engage with them. Perhaps he had this idea in his head of being a father, and having this little obedient mini-me to go do things with. Or maybe he was thinking more about carrying on his name, and that marriage and children was what he was supposed to do. Then come these kids with their own minds, who do things he doesn't understand, and challenge him.

 

At any rate, you can only control what you do. And talk to him and hope to get through to him.

 

It sucks that he chose an affair as the solution. I hope you are able to heal and grow, and I hope he learns to embrace being a dad.

[JamesM]

Part of the problem is that he did not become more involved with the lives of his children. As the one who gets the kids up and off to school and as the one who picks them up often and as the one who spends alot of vacation time with them, I can definitely see how he would feel left out if he did not spend that time with them.

 

My wife and I both spend time with the kids but many times it is separate times. And when they were younger, she spent more time with them.

 

A couple of comments relating to you....

 

1. Even still, I felt jealousy because the children ranked higher than I. They still do in some ways. Oddly enough, I feel the same way now: the children rank higher than her.

 

2. NO, you are not showing love to your husband when you take care of the children. Unless the two of you are spending the time together with them, then it is as if you are both living separate lives. No husband will think that time with him and sex with him equals time with the children. Many husbands resent their children (albeit many dare not say it) because of this.

 

3. He should have changed his life to allow more time with the children. He cannot expect you to spend more of your life with them so that he can still live his life as if their are no kids. My life is 100% different...but I wouldn't go back to the former one.

 

4. BOTH of you should have worked together to make time for just the two of you. Hindsight is always 20/20 so don't beat yourself up over it, and many many couples live as you did. Why? Because children creep up on us slowly but then suddenly wham! there they all are.

 

It is easy to point out were you both could have changed, but one thing is certain....NONE of this justifies his choosing an affair. Yes, one can see why he may have chosen one, but better choices were available. His emotions were bottled up inside of him. He should have communicated his feelings.

 

And the worst part of all this...the children were not only afraid of their father, they would rather not be around him. Hopefully this will change and hopefully it isn't too late.

 

Sorry...I didn't read all of the responses so if something like this was already said, forgive me.

[Bittersweetie]

This is an interesting thread.

 

When we were expecting our son, I did a lot of reading on relationships after baby. With our reconciliation, and all of the work we put into us, I didn't want that to suffer by adding a child to our family. I knew that our marriage still had to be a priority.

 

That being said, it is so hard! I did not anticipate how relentless caring for a young child would be. I stay at home, my H works, but he has been very involved in child care since the beginning. Our son was premature and has been delayed in some stuff, and he's been the priority...for both of us. I totally wish we could have more "us" time. There are days when I miss my husband SO MUCH and he's in the next room.

 

I look at it as a phase...it will not be like this forever. We are already planning our "adult trips" that we'll take when Nana retires. And while it may not be as often as I wish, we do go on date nights...like tonight!

 

I think it's easy in this situation for resentfulness to build on both sides (H: all she does is take care of kids; W: all he does is work and go out) but the key is to communicate about it, so the resentfulness doesn't build into an A or something else negative.

[ladydesigner]

The "change" happened in our M right after kids and it wasn't in me it was him. My WH freaked at the responsibility of it all and also, I believe, jealous that the sole attention was no longer on him. I absolutely believe my WH is emotionally immature and add kids to that led to his A's.