Transitioning into being serious with a girl

[johnnelson72]

Hey everyone, so let me preface this situation... We're both 22, I (m) have a stable job, and she (f) is applying to med school, MCATs next week. We met online, I initiated and hit it off well. We've had 7/8 dates at this point, and has been great. I really really like this girl, and can see this being worth the effort vs my past history with women. She is old fashioned so rarely initiates contact, but does every so often.. Has never initiated an interaction together though. Dinner dates, show events, casual walks etc, flowers, the whole nine yards.. I would hope she is really interested in me. It's weird that you have dates with a ton of people that you have some commonalities, but she is on another level of enjoying literally everything I do and have very similar histories. Even to the point that her favorite favorite artist is my exact favorite artist, and they are so obscure that none of my friend have even heard of them. And to top it off, she's definitely a cutie. We are affectionate, romantic, physical, pda (to an extent).

 

Now with that preface, the issue kind of boils down to her old-fashionedness. She doesn't initiate hanging out, which has resulted in me saying "are you available tuesday or thursday this week, what days are you available, you're more than welcome to come over one night this week etc etc" as she is currently studying for mcats, Which I am extremely impressed with, or working in the emergency room with her career.

 

Last Saturday I finally invited her out to a hockey game with my friends, big step? One of my friends introduced her as my girlfriend... I definitely never mentioned that, just said we were seeing each other. My friends all loved her, was a great time, ended up spending the night at her place (first time), stayed up until like 5 am talking and fooling around, haven't had sex... As I think we're both trying to express how sex isn't the only thing we're looking for. I figured it was time and asked her if she was seeing any other men currently and she said no. + for me!! Never asked to be exclusive, I know stupid of me!! But her online dating profile hasn't been active in over a week so I'm hoping for the best? Talked about so many intimate details than we have in the past.

 

I left the next morning before she had to ask, wanted to seem respectful. Texted her that Sunday saying that if she wanted a study break from studying that she was more than welcome to come to my place. Didn't contact her for a few days, she initiated on Tuesday with consensual repertoire as well as today, Wednesday. I did ask what her plans were this weekend, to see if she was available, and her response was that she has work... Whoops.

 

So at this point, I absolutely adore this girl. Not "love" at this point, but definitely that kind of material. I am at a loss of how to move forward. She has her test next weekend, and has to study. I've expressed that I'd like to get together, and have put the ball in her court to get together again. But at this point, I'm not looking to just put the ball in her court and if she doesn't respond, than I move on. Obviously the next time I see her, I'd like to explain my feelings and hopefully seal the deal in terms of being "exclusive." I guess I'm just used to being in a serious relationship where we see each other 3-4 times per week, and we both initiate hanging out, and I'm now struggling with only seeing someone once a week, if that. I would like to throw the ball in her court, but am afraid that by my no response for 4-5 days waiting for her reply, it'll appear to her as uninterested in accordance to someone who is old fashioned.

 

Any opinions on this woman that I am so interested in?

[Assasda]

It sounds fine.

The worse thing you can do is have a talk about exclusivity and kill her attraction. The woman is the one, who rules that domain, not you. Dont even ask about it.

 

I was proud of you when you said you were ready to move on, but iot seems like youre afraid to live your life without her.

Take this as some advice: Live like youre the driver of a car, and she's in the passenger seat. She's along for the ride, but at any moment she can ask to get out. You still need to enjoy the ride, and you still need to decide where to go.

 

Dont be clingy

[johnnelson72]

Bro, bro, bro...you are needy as fvvck. Jesus Christ. This girl was already attracted to you but you are slowly killing all that attraction with your neediness. Your tunnel vision is intense and you have a severe case of one-itis. Your tunnel vision has only allowed you to see how you two are "perfect" for each other. Same favorite artists and blah...blah...blah. You spent the night at her house till 5 am and you didn't even fvvck her?? Lmfao. Are you trying to be her buddy-buddy or what? She wanted you to be assertive and you failed. You are slowly falling down her rankings.

 

Now, you want to initiate exclusivity with her. Talk about a bad idea. Like the above poster said, you will only chase her away. As a man, your role is to show her a good time. Make her feel good and that includes sex. She will associate those good feelings with you and will want to have you all to herself. If there is something women hate, it's other women.

 

The law of least effort states that the person who puts in the least effort in a relationship holds the key to the relationship. Right now, you're thinking way too much about the relationship, putting in way more than her and it is totally fvvcking up the dynamics. She will gradually start to pull back and in true wussy man fashion, you will push even harder until she tells you "she's not ready for a relationship" or she can't see you again or whatever version of a breakup she comes up with.

 

Doctor's prescription:

 

- Stop being needy.

 

- Depedestalize this woman.

 

- Date other women on the side.

 

 

Yes, I do come across as needy because I'm used to being in a normal relationship and can't seem to understand the communication dynamic of casually seeing someone. But I do seriously appreciate your bluntness. Not having sex was her request as we had both been drinking that night, not wasted, but she just asked if we could do that on a night we were fully sober and I completely respected that request.

 

I don't date more than one woman at a time. Morally that is not for me... Doesn't matter what stage we are at, I just could never bring myself to do that. I want to give one woman my complete devotion as I am not a player with the end goal to get laid.

[johnnelson72]

It sounds fine.

The worse thing you can do is have a talk about exclusivity and kill her attraction. The woman is the one, who rules that domain, not you. Dont even ask about it.

 

I was proud of you when you said you were ready to move on, but iot seems like youre afraid to live your life without her.

Take this as some advice: Live like youre the driver of a car, and she's in the passenger seat. She's along for the ride, but at any moment she can ask to get out. You still need to enjoy the ride, and you still need to decide where to go.

 

Dont be clingy

 

Do I not initiate contact any further unless she contacts me? I'm not into playing the stupid and obnoxious mind games that a lot of people do. I'd rather just be honest with my feelings.

[Els]

Eh, if you want to talk to her about exclusivity/commitment, then do so. If she's the type who believes that it makes a man 'needy' to do that, then she's not the right one for you, and it's better that you know now than to waste more time. For the record, my guy did that, and we've been together for 5 years and counting.

 

Don't be ashamed about your desire to date only one woman at a time; there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. "One-itis" is only a bad thing in the realm of casual daters who seek to date other casual daters; don't pollute your mind with such hogwash if you're a LTR-minded guy.

 

I do feel that she should ideally initiate interaction more though; this bit is rather tricky. You've had enough dates that even 'old fashioned' women should be reciprocating a bit, IMO. Does she show you in any other way that she's enjoying her time with you and would like to get to know you more? Or are you the one literally doing all the legwork?

[WLFL]

I'm actually surprised at the earlier posts saying broaching the subject of exclusivity is the woman's role.

I completely disagree with that. In every relationship I've been in, it's the guy who brings it up. I would never do it. I always assumed that if a guy wanted me to be his girlfriend then he'd ask me and if he doesn't, that means we're not exclusive.

[Hello_is_it_me]

Don't hang out with her before her test. That's not fair to her. This is a potentially life-changing event for her so if you truly care about her let her put her time to best use and study. Though if I were you I would send a (JUST ONE) saying something like "hope studying is going well! We should hang out sometime after your test to celebrate you kicking its ass!" or something. That way you're: Not being too clingly, are keeping in touch albeit slightly, and are kinda setting something up for soon after post-test.

[johnnelson72]

Eh, if you want to talk to her about exclusivity/commitment, then do so. If she's the type who believes that it makes a man 'needy' to do that, then she's not the right one for you, and it's better that you know now than to waste more time. For the record, my guy did that, and we've been together for 5 years and counting.

 

Don't be ashamed about your desire to date only one woman at a time; there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. "One-itis" is only a bad thing in the realm of casual daters who seek to date other casual daters; don't pollute your mind with such hogwash if you're a LTR-minded guy.

 

I do feel that she should ideally initiate interaction more though; this bit is rather tricky. You've had enough dates that even 'old fashioned' women should be reciprocating a bit, IMO. Does she show you in any other way that she's enjoying her time with you and would like to get to know you more? Or are you the one literally doing all the legwork?

 

I'm 100% not ashamed of my "one-itis." To me it differentiates the attitude and end goal of your dating goals. She does initiate contact every so often. On Tuesday she texted me with a picture of her and a witty comment/joke. Banter back and forth for a bit and that was it.

 

I was a bit needy, being honest, wednesday we were talking and I asked about her studying and then joked about her needing to take a break sometime and asked her to get together this weekend.. (Offered on Sunday for her to come over during the week, and then Wednesday asked about the weekend. ). Her resonse, "I have work this weekend . All work, no play." No alternate date offered by her, so I replied, "Haha, alright." That was the last contact. I just hope my last couple of days didn't come off as too crazy and scare her away. I wasn't needy earlier on, just as our hanging out progresses and getting more comfortable, I'm falling into the routine of my past relationships where we do hang out and text all the time.

 

When we are together though, she reciprocates a lot. Physical, she's way more talkative than myself, puts her hand on my leg when I'm driving etc.

 

I am now going to wait and not initiate contact with her for 5 days to see if she will first. She knows I want to get together, she knows that I'm interested, and I need to step back. If after 5 day I don't hear, I'll give her a call and ask her about studying etc and not be pushy. Time will tell!

[Assasda]

With the exclusivity talk, why complicate things if its going your way. When you reach that bridge cross it.

I'm glad that you know that you were being needy, its like poison.

 

Leave her alone. Dont text her, unless you want to tell her mundane things like where an address is or something like that.

 

Pointless talks about feelings just kill attraction. certainly early on, and I'm talking from a man's perspective.

 

What you want to do is have fun with her right now, and tease her

[Phantom888]

Don't overthink. Give it time. Meet other women while you evaluate your options. Don't have sex until you have decided who to pick. Enjoy the freedom of being single.

[WrinkledForehead]

Don't hang out with her before her test. That's not fair to her. This is a potentially life-changing event for her so if you truly care about her let her put her time to best use and study. Though if I were you I would send a (JUST ONE) saying something like "hope studying is going well! We should hang out sometime after your test to celebrate you kicking its ass!" or something. That way you're: Not being too clingly, are keeping in touch albeit slightly, and are kinda setting something up for soon after post-test.

 

I like this!

 

And OP, I like you. The first few posts are exactly the bits of advice I hated when I re-entered the dating world.

 

I'm a student as well and my sweetie has definitely been put on hold so I could study. He handles it well as he understands how serious I am about my studies.

 

It sounds like you may have some communication differences. She should definitely be reaching out to you and initiating contact on occasion. I like the above text because it takes the pressure off the whole thing (and especially her) and allows a bit of breathing room.

 

So when you do see her, mention the exclusivity if you so wish (it would likely ease your mind) and I would throw something in like, "I enjoy it when you text me first. It lets me know you're thinking of me and I like that."

 

People enjoy hearing good things about themselves. If you spin it in a positive light instead of a negative ("I wish you would text me more" tells them they don't meet your needs) she is more likely to respond favorably. Don't forget the positive reinforcement when she does initiate!

 

I wouldn't pin my hopes fully on her yet until she settles into a less hectic place and can more fully reveal her communication style.

 

Best! ~WF

[OhThatGirl]

Hmmm. She puts her hand on your leg when you're driving? Might just be me but I'd say this is good. I've noticed I don't do this until I feel a "partnership" with someone. Again, it could just be me.

 

I agree with the poster that said they were surprised to hear people say the guy shouldn't ask for exclusivity/relationship. I firmly believe in the idea that women are the gatekeepers of sex, men are the gatekeepers of commitment.

 

This all being said, give her plenty of space while she prepares for the MCATs, I'm sure you know (and others have pointed out) that this test is a huge factor in the rest of her life. Rather than ask her to spend time at your place a quick "I hope studying is going well, let me know if you'd like to take a break and get some coffee." Or something.

 

At this point you've made your interest clear. Give her a chance to get this test over with before you approach being exclusive. Friendly banter to let her know you're still around is good but hold off on the invites until she has more time to offer.

 

Good luck. You both sound like bright people with a lot to offer. Just be prepared that medical students and eventually interns/residents can be difficult to date. Ask yourself if you could do long distance/very little time together as a long term relationship. Obviously without knowing where she will end up for med school it's a possibility if you two are get very serious. Better to prepare/decide now if this is something you can do.

[Els]

I'm 100% not ashamed of my "one-itis." To me it differentiates the attitude and end goal of your dating goals. She does initiate contact every so often. On Tuesday she texted me with a picture of her and a witty comment/joke. Banter back and forth for a bit and that was it.

 

I was a bit needy, being honest, wednesday we were talking and I asked about her studying and then joked about her needing to take a break sometime and asked her to get together this weekend.. (Offered on Sunday for her to come over during the week, and then Wednesday asked about the weekend. ). Her resonse, "I have work this weekend . All work, no play." No alternate date offered by her, so I replied, "Haha, alright." That was the last contact. I just hope my last couple of days didn't come off as too crazy and scare her away. I wasn't needy earlier on, just as our hanging out progresses and getting more comfortable, I'm falling into the routine of my past relationships where we do hang out and text all the time.

 

When we are together though, she reciprocates a lot. Physical, she's way more talkative than myself, puts her hand on my leg when I'm driving etc.

 

I am now going to wait and not initiate contact with her for 5 days to see if she will first. She knows I want to get together, she knows that I'm interested, and I need to step back. If after 5 day I don't hear, I'll give her a call and ask her about studying etc and not be pushy. Time will tell!

 

I agree that it's definitely a good sign if she's physically affectionate, especially if she is the sort to reserve such for a partner (ie you don't see her doing it with just any tom dick and harry). I don't think you were being needy at all by asking her to hang out during the weekend - 'needy' would be if you kept pressuring her even after she said she had to work.

 

I think you should leave the ball in her court now, but not without saying anything. Directly tell her, "Let me know when you'd like to meet up again", and then wait and see what she says/does.

[johnnelson72]

Update: It has now been three days without any contact, both directions. She is busy with work today and tomorrow. I'm planning on sending her a text on Tuesday, 6 days no contact on my end, "Hey, I hope your studying is going well. Good Luck!" I'm waiting till Tuesday, in hopes that on Monday she may realize I have kind of pulled back and will reach out first.. who knows though.

[johnnelson72]

Update: It has now been three days without any contact, both directions. She is busy with work today and tomorrow. I'm planning on sending her a text on Tuesday, 6 days no contact on my end, "Hey, I hope your studying is going well. Good Luck!" I'm waiting till Tuesday, in hopes that on Monday she may realize I have kind of pulled back and will reach out first.. who knows though.

 

Positive update! She reached out today wishing a happy st paddy holiday weekend to me. Guess I was overreacting a bit. She probably didn't even notice haha. Didn't mention getting together. I'll give her space for her studying.

[StanMusial]

Wait until after her test and then contact her.

 

When I met my gf I was working on some big projects and it was tough but worth it. It helped me that she is also a busy person though.

 

Timing is everything, however. If you're both serious about finding someone you can make it work.

[johnnelson72]

Wait until after her test and then contact her.

 

When I met my gf I was working on some big projects and it was tough but worth it. It helped me that she is also a busy person though.

 

Timing is everything, however. If you're both serious about finding someone you can make it work.

 

Yeah, she actually has pushed back her test a couple of weeks, as she isn't feeling 100% confident and would like some extra time. She's coming over for dinner on Tuesday as I offered to make her a nice romantic dinner to take her mind off of studying for at least a little while.

[johnnelson72]

Great update! Girls are so confusing and odd, but oh well. She brought up the exclusivity talk, of course I said yes please. Both of our dating profiles are deleted and she now texts me all the time and has even asked me to do something with her. Woo!