Johnson1 Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 (edited) It seems since I got separated from my wife 3 months ago (of my own doing) everyone in my family feels they need to splurge and help me out with everything because they know I can't afford it. Case in point, next week I'm flying to Florida (on my dad's tab and request) to go to my mother's surprise 80th B-day party. The whole family is going to be there. My mother and father are divorced and have been remarried to other people since I was 9. At any rate, my father and step mother are going overboard with their help. I feel like I'm constantly swallowing my pride. Not only do they insist on paying for the flight back and forth, but they get all my siblings involved (step, blood siblings, nieces, etc) to also help out with booking flights for me, driving me back and forth to the airport, etc. It's very belittling. I'm 50 and I get treated like I'm 12. Both my nephews are also flying down there, but they're doing their own thing, booking their own flights, rent their own cars and hotel rooms. Nobody questions them. It's aggravating, but I am broke and I do need their cash to be able to do this. I had thought about renting a car at the airport when I got there and just driving back, but I'm only going for 2 1/2 days and the drive is 900 miles, plus I don't have the credit available on my credit card anyway because it's $257 for the rental (not including gas). I guess no matter what, I'm stuck. I'm already booked to fly down there and unfortunately since I don't have the money to rent a car to drive back I have to be dependent once again on him to pay for the flight back and rides from my brother and his daughter (who makes excellent money). Has any been in this situation? I'm ready to cancel the whole trip because I'm so disgusted at how I can't afford anything and how I have to rely on my family who can't understand how their efforts make me feel worthless. I appreciate their help, but at the same time it's belittling, degrading, and embarrassing, but they don't seem to care as long as it's not them. My father would never accept charity from anyone, but he expects me to, all the time. What are your thoughts? Thanks. Edited March 12, 2014 by Vocals5
Tayla Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I do understand how you can feel that way given that stance. Part of humility is to accept in a gracious way the help from others. It isn't belittling by any means. It takes a gracious acceptance and a heart tender giver to pull off a deed with the best of intentions. You clearly aren't a moocher or one who plays off of others, You really do sound like you have some healthy pride. That is a good thing. What I think for you is to smile, count your blessings ...your mom only gets to celebrate ONE 80th Birthday! Enjoy that moment and memories! Allow others to treat you kindly, I'm sure you have done the same for some of them...they are just paying it forward in some ways. May your travels be safe.
Copelandsanity Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 Don't cancel the trip. I understand how it hurts your pride as a man, but you should accept their help. This is what family is for; to support each other when it's needed. They know that you are not a selfish, entitled leecher. I think that they would love to feel needed by you, and it would mean the world for you to be there. You should set your ego aside, celebrate this happy event with family and thank them graciously for their assistance. This is what life is about.
ASG Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 For me, it literally *warms* my heart when my brother offers to buy me a plane ticket for me to go visit my family. I'm a freelancer and not always solvent, money wise. Sometimes I have the free time to go visit, but not the money and I don't like asking. My brother has since paid for 2 trips for me. Once it was our mom's birthday and she wasn't doing very well, so he asked me if I could come. I said I had the free time, but couldn't afford the flight. He paid for that. It was as much for me as it was for my mom. Now, I was turned down for a job I really had my eyes on. He asked me, since the job was a no go, if I wanted to go home for Easter. It's kind of a big deal in my family, but I haven't made it since I left my country, almost 6 years ago. He paid for it. Now, this trip is not about YOU. It's about your mom's 80th birthday. How gutted do you think she'll be, if, come the day, everyone is there but you? And when she asks why you weren't there, your family will tell her that you were invited and flights/travel were arranged for you, but you were too proud to accept, so just cancelled ??!!?! I mean... get a grip! This isn't charity! It's about your mom's big day. And helping you be there for that!
mrs rubble Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 Be thankful they care enough to help you out. Without embarassing you or making you ask for it. I really, really struggled finacially when I first split with my husband. There were weeks where I was literally down to zilch and I could only feed my kids in the day or two before payday. My parents have loads of money and I'm an only child....the only time they helped me out was when I broke down one day because my glasses broke and I couldn't afford to get them fixed or new ones. They helped that time.
Author Johnson1 Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 (edited) Now, this trip is not about YOU. It's about your mom's 80th birthday. How gutted do you think she'll be, if, come the day, everyone is there but you? And when she asks why you weren't there, your family will tell her that you were invited and flights/travel were arranged for you, but you were too proud to accept, so just cancelled ??!!?! Unfortunately I had to cancel the trip. It wasn't just about pride. My mother knows my circumstances and understood. I spoke with my siblings beforehand (including my father) and all of them agreed that it wasn't practical for him to have to spend $300 for me to fly back up for a 2 hour party, have everyone cart me back and forth to the airport just so I could make it back in time for work. Everything considered, it logistically wasn't feasible, especially since I'll be moving down there permanently in 60-90 days. I also didn't want to put my job at risk because I have a lot on the line. I'm in a temp position and I already took off too many days because of snow and back problems. I'm in good where I'm at and I want to get a letter of recommendation from them before I leave. If I got canned for taking off it would make it that much harder for me to find work down there. Not only that, but I'm trying to sell my home because I'm separated, so if I lose my job I won't be able to pay my mortgage and my home will go into default before I can sell it. My mother stresses out about everything, especially when it comes to worrying about me, so if I do something that eases her stress she's happy. She very practical, so is the rest of my family. After hearing everyone's replies I thought twice about my pride and looked at it in a different way even though I didn't make it to the party. With that said, the party was a great success from what everyone told me and seeing pics. I feel bad that I missed it, but............. I wasn't the only one. My niece and her husband also couldn't make it as well, and they live down there. Thanks for your input. Edited March 25, 2014 by Vocals5
gaius Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 I'm pretty cheap and there's been times I've been with a group that wanted to spend more than I had budgeted in my head and I just ended up declining. Even though they would offer to treat. Not worth selling off your self respect. Glad you managed to get out of it. 1
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