rumbleseat Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 Some of our close friends know that my H had an A quite a long time ago. Yesterday, I was speaking with one of my friends and she asked me for some advice. Her h had an A, and confessed to her about it. She'd been totally caught by surprise, but they worked through it. She didn't really open up to anyone else about it other than their counsellor, as she felt they'd been doing really well in their r and didn't want others to know their problems. She opened up to me because she wanted some advice and thought I could help. It seems the ow won't stop trying to contact her h. He had sent her a firm but kind " dear jane" letter, explaining that it was over and asking her not to contact him again as he didn't want her to. (My friend saw the letter, saw him email it to her, and a " read receipt" was sent back). Things were quiet, and they both hoped she had accepted that it was over and was beginning to move on. Now her h is getting emails every so many days from the ow asking him " why" and saying that she will always love him. He responded to the first few as kindly as he could, but still being firm that it was over and she needed to let go. He now ignores the messages and leaves them unopened. My friend wanted to know how to get rid of her once and for all. I suggested going the route of seeking some sort of a " no contact" order from the police, but she doesn't want to escalate the situation and feels this sort of thing is kind of a waste of police time. Does anyone have any good suggestions that worked for them in this type of situation? She and her h have both gotten to a point where they are past worrying about hurting the ex ow and they just want to be left alone. Is involving the police the best route to take? Does this type of behaviour eventually stop if it is ignored?
lilmisscantbewrong Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 Why hasn't he changed his email or blocked her from being able to send an email? I know sometimes this isn't always practical,but I would say that is the first step. Unless there is something threatening she is saying, I don't know that restraining order is appropriate. Each time he responds it's something - even a nugget - and she is reading in between the lines, over the lines and through the lines so really he should change the email address. 1
Author rumbleseat Posted March 12, 2014 Author Posted March 12, 2014 Why hasn't he changed his email or blocked her from being able to send an email? I know sometimes this isn't always practical,but I would say that is the first step. Unless there is something threatening she is saying, I don't know that restraining order is appropriate. Each time he responds it's something - even a nugget - and she is reading in between the lines, over the lines and through the lines so really he should change the email address. That makes a lot of sense, except the email she is using to contact him now is the one they use for their home baed business. They have changed it, but every time they do, she simply looks up their company online and finds the new email contact that way. She knows they both have access to that account, and will both see it. He has tied blocking her. Every time he does, she seems to stay away for a little while, then she simply creates a new email account and contacts him again. I am of the opinion that they should continue to ignore her and view the messages as a nuisance. I told her that, but I think she's afraid that things could escalate. Personally, I would think that if they haven't by now, they probably won't. She's likely just acting more on a combination of trying to feel like she still has some way to affect his life and that her emails will eventually come between them. Since they don't read them, they have no way of knowing what they are really about. She's torn between wanting to know and not wanting to get drawn into the mess all over again. 1
Fluttershy Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I think experience the devine is the person to ask. I never ha this problem as xmow denied anything happened. I'd say block is the simple way but I am assuming they did so and she is using different means?. If so then new emails and phone numbers might be best. Personaly. Id block and if that was got around just ignore. Eventually sheay give up or at least decrease in frequency. 1
Fluttershy Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 That makes a lot of sense, except the email she is using to contact him now is the one they use for their home baed business. They have changed it, but every time they do, she simply looks up their company online and finds the new email contact that way. She knows they both have access to that account, and will both see it. He has tied blocking her. Every time he does, she seems to stay away for a little while, then she simply creates a new email account and contacts him again. I am of the opinion that they should continue to ignore her and view the messages as a nuisance. I told her that, but I think she's afraid that things could escalate. Personally, I would think that if they haven't by now, they probably won't. She's likely just acting more on a combination of trying to feel like she still has some way to affect his life and that her emails will eventually come between them. Since they don't read them, they have no way of knowing what they are really about. She's torn between wanting to know and not wanting to get drawn into the mess all over again. Posted at the same time. But yeah ignore. Maybe havethem Filtered into a seperate folder. That way if she does do anything illegal or stupid they have email back up on their side. Of corse if your friend is tempted to read that could be a problem. 1
michelangelo Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 Potential bunny boiler, IMHO. She knows you dont want to make a scene or escalate to a cease and desist order. So she is creating drama to drive a wedge into yor marriage. If I were you, I'd have a lawyer draft up a letter and send it to her registered return receipt mail, through the post office. The letter would tell her to cease all contact as you consider it harassment. If she persists? Get a judge involved. I would not take this lightly. 5
wanting more Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 i would think the H responding (even not friendly) just fueled her fire. i would suggest he keep ignoring her, if she starts doing it more often or starts with threatening emails, then involve the police has his BW ever emailed/talked to the OW? 3
Bittersweetie Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 When xOM was not talking to me, I would email him regularly hoping for any kind of response. When I got one, even if it was "go away," I felt that I had "won" and thought maybe he "still cared." Who knows what was true, but I manipulated things in my mind to make myself feel better. The only way I knew he was done was when he never answered. So I would recommend ignoring the emails as that sends the strongest message. 8
gettingstronger Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I tried the ignore route, tried the nice route, tried the tough talk route...the intrusions lasted over a year. Finally got an atty to issue a cease and desist letter. It's been a month now of no intrusions. It took 30 minutes and $100. 4
harrybrown Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 too bad the OW does not have a Husband. If the OW did have an H, it would be good to send all these messages to him. She may stop then. 1
ThinBlueLine Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 As a leo I can tell you that the OW maybe violating the law. Depending on the penal laws of your state, repeated communication causing annoyance or alarm maybe harassment. Most states will allow you to request a restraining order if the person is arrested. If your friend does not want to file criminal charges the police can and usually will tell the other person to stop all contact or face criminal charges. I've done this more times than I can ever remember. I've only had to arrest maybe 10 people after warning them. 1
ThinBlueLine Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Save all of the ow emails and any replies. Though the replies should only say "I do not want to have any further contact with you by email, in person or any other means of communication." Just ask your local police agency they will help, that is why you pay taxes. They may mumble under their breath but they can help. 1
SolG Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Most email software these days allows you to set up rules. If there is something distinctive in her emails (like her name perhaps?) that is consistent, you should be able to set up a rule that filters by keyword and then auto-forwards, or deletes, or files, or any number of other actions. You can also set a rule to immediately deliver her a message in return like, 'Your message has not been read and has been auto-deleted'; even if you haven't actually auto-deleted it. Filters can also work by incoming email address if she doesn't change that too often to make it unworkable. This is actually the easiest type of rule to set up. Google and do some research. These rules aren't too difficult to set up. Or find a techie friend that can help. 1
Author rumbleseat Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 I'l pass all these ideas along to her. Thanks for the good advice. They'll have some ideas they can use to end the contact. She's heard the stories about ow who kind of lose it when the a ends, and is afraid that's what is happening here. My own opinion is that if she tries to contact her h again, then he should send one final " do not contact me again, as if you do I will inform the police" reply. If she sends another email, then get the law involved. I find it strange that she can't seem to let go. It's really quite sad, as someone would have to be hurting pretty badly to keep on like this.
Speakingofwhich Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 rumbleseat, I have had this problem with a man I dated who is a public figure in my community. We were both single (he has since married). If a person hasn't gone through this it's hard to describe how unsettling and invasive it can be in one's personal life whether or not you're married. I sought professional counsel and was advised to take the matter to the police. I ended up getting a restraining order and had the person arrested when he violated it. Sometimes that's the only answer if you want stalking behavior to stop. It was the arrest and spending the night in jail that finally seemed to stop him. This happened 4-7 years ago (stalking lasted a couple of years). HOWEVER, within the past several weeks he has contacted me through a nonprofit via a liason who works for the entity trying to engage my professional services. It's a large entity so when contacted I did contract for services. As soon as I did this person moved in on the project to try to work with me. At that time I disclosed the previous legal history and someone else stepped in and took over the project so that I don't have to have contact with him while rendering services. My point in telling you this is that if someone wants to stalk you, it seems to me it can be close to impossible to get them out of your life completely forever. Especially if they are very intelligent and conniving (sociopath). The thing that has surprised me the most out of all of this is that despite the fact his stalking and arrest is known to the powers that be within the institution where he is a high level administrator nobody blinked an eye when he was arrested and it was kept out of the newspapers!!!He is not a national figure but in our state he is well known.
Speakingofwhich Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 If your friend wants to get the police involved she should immediately begin to document the contacts from this woman. Dates, times, description of the incidents. She can build a case by calling the police each time the woman intrudes and having them file a report. As she establishes a pattern of harassment she can then take it to the magistrate or a judge to request a restraining order. This is the way it's done in my state. Not sure if all states have the same laws. It would be wise of her to begin documenting the incidents whether or not she intends to file for a restraining order so that she will have the option to do so should things begin to escalate.
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