RDawg Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 So a few weeks ago a friend offered me a "mercy ****" and it kind of grew into a fwb situation. I'm almost 6 months post BU but still a long way from being over my ex. I have been brutally honest with my new lover about this and I have told her that I don't see this current arrangement ever developing into a proper relationship. In spite of this she seems to be trying to steer things towards a more emotional involvement. I am also developing some feelings but I know I will never fall in love with her. I am just not nearly as physically attracted to her as what I was to my ex. It's such a shame. She is a lovely girl, very bright, great company, loves cooking, holds down a very good job and has a wicked sense of humour. Also very keen to please in bed. I'm feeling a bit conflicted. I don't want to hurt her. Also, whilst it's nice to have the sex and the intimacy, I am beginning to wonder if it isn't a bit of a waste of time for both of us. I think I might be more motivated to look for a proper relationship if I didn't have this convenient access to all that feminine goodness. Maybe this is not a healthy arrangement. Anyone else ever relied on casual sex to move on?
flightplan Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 Been there... this is not going to end well. Once reality hits her and she really gets that you're not going to be able to develop beyond what it is, it's probably going to be ugly. If you want to remain friends, cut off the intimacy before it goes too far. She's going to be hurt either way, especially if you start to eye someone else. Then she's going to come on these boards and start posting her story... "What happened... I loved him... blah, blah, blah..." and we all know how that feels. You guys are on two totally different pages. 1
mangetout Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 It doesn't work. You will end up really hurting her and that's the last thing you need right now. 1
Author RDawg Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 Thanks for the replies. I thought about it last night and I am going to have to end it. It isn't healthy for me either, it makes me feel like I am giving myself away and it cheapens the act. Such a shame I can't fall for her, she is a better person in every respect than my ex is. If I found her physically attractive I would be ecstatic right now. Some years ago I was in a four year relationship with someone whom I wasn't physically attracted to, but who was a beautiful person and loved me very much so I know it just doesn't work. You have to have the complete package.
Author RDawg Posted March 14, 2014 Author Posted March 14, 2014 I might just have to go there just one last time tho. I can't help myself.. such a sick puppy.
guest572 Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 Wow, 4 years with someone you werent attracted to, ??
Author RDawg Posted March 14, 2014 Author Posted March 14, 2014 Yes 4 years! She had some fantastic qualities and was a great friend and companion but I was never that into her physically. She was my first proper girlfriend and I guess I never thought I could do "better" at that stage of my life.
Author RDawg Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 So instead of breaking things off we have been spending more and more time together, doing "dating stuff" like walking the dog on the beach, going to concerts and cooking each other dinners. If it carries on like this I am going to start falling in love with this girl! How do I prevent this??
tlegend Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 So instead of breaking things off we have been spending more and more time together, doing "dating stuff" like walking the dog on the beach, going to concerts and cooking each other dinners. If it carries on like this I am going to start falling in love with this girl! How do I prevent this?? Why would you want to prevent this? 2
Author RDawg Posted March 27, 2014 Author Posted March 27, 2014 Because I am still in love with my ex. I know if I carry on sleeping with my rebound/ fwb I will develop feelings for her but I don't think it is healthy for me at this stage. I might be acting out of neediness and lonelyness. I compare this new girl to my ex all the time, and whilst she is a far nicer person I just don't feel that spark. I know the more you have sex the more you become attached but I dont just want to become attached. I want to be IN LOVE again, but I can't because all I really want is my ex back. God I miss her so much. I am so honest with my rebound and she is happy to talk to me about all my unresolved feelings and issues around the ex. Her only condition is that we are not allowed to discuss the ex when we are in bed together. How sweet is that? She really is awesome but just not as gorgeous as my ex was. Why do we have to be so shallow? Aargh.. I think I need to be alone for a couple of months and just date myself.
BC1980 Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Well, at least you recognize some of your issues regarding your ex. I don't know that it's necessarily bad to have a FWB right now since you both know it's not more than that. I wouldn't try dating though.
Author RDawg Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 Why not try dating? It might be better to pursue someone I'm actually attracted to than wasting time with someone who I'm prepared to sleep with and whose company I enjoy but who I don't see a future with. (Well I don't see myself falling crazy in love with her). I'm 43.. time is running out.. You know the previous time I was dumped I was such a mess, came on here talking crazy stuff, rode the rollercoaster for 7 months and then wham! met my current ex, fell in love and immediately (and I mean instantaneously) forgot all about the ex that I had been pining for. Falling in love is the best way to get over the hurt. I'm 6 months post BU. I've done enough grieving.
irishsimon Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Your subconscious is choosing who you are attracted to and the longing you feel for these 'attractive' women is an adrenalin rush relating to some sort of childhood paradigm. Think about your parents relationship or adult relationships you experienced when growing up. You are possibly attracted to emotionally unavailable women and it seems you are being EA yourself with this current girl. It flip flops sometimes from one relationship to the next. Abandonment to engulfment When you meet someone who is emotionally available to you there is no adrenalin rush therefore you feel a lack of attraction.. Even though this girl might be what you really need long term. I've done this repeatedly 1
FortunateSon Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Your subconscious is choosing who you are attracted to and the longing you feel for these 'attractive' women is an adrenalin rush relating to some sort of childhood paradigm. Think about your parents relationship or adult relationships you experienced when growing up. You are possibly attracted to emotionally unavailable women and it seems you are being EA yourself with this current girl. It flip flops sometimes from one relationship to the next. Abandonment to engulfment When you meet someone who is emotionally available to you there is no adrenalin rush therefore you feel a lack of attraction.. Even though this girl might be what you really need long term. I've done this repeatedly I am in this situation now, I've met someone who is GREAT for me but don't feel much for her and I am not attracted to her even though she is gorgeous. What is the solution?
Author RDawg Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 No idea Fortunate. There is truth to the saying that we don't get to chose who we fall in love with. Or maybe the Irishman is right and it's our damn subconscious that decides.
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Your subconscious is choosing who you are attracted to and the longing you feel for these 'attractive' women is an adrenalin rush relating to some sort of childhood paradigm. Think about your parents relationship or adult relationships you experienced when growing up. You are possibly attracted to emotionally unavailable women and it seems you are being EA yourself with this current girl. It flip flops sometimes from one relationship to the next. Abandonment to engulfment When you meet someone who is emotionally available to you there is no adrenalin rush therefore you feel a lack of attraction.. Even though this girl might be what you really need long term. I've done this repeatedly I am definitely guilty of this and u are so right! x
Author RDawg Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 My EX FWB told me last weekend that she can no longer be friends with me because she has developed feelings for me!! What the heck? She's dumping me as a friend. I have been sending her breadcrumbs but she has gone No Contact. Geez life is complicated. Now I'm trully alone.
BC1980 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 My EX FWB told me last weekend that she can no longer be friends with me because she has developed feelings for me!! What the heck? She's dumping me as a friend. I have been sending her breadcrumbs but she has gone No Contact. Geez life is complicated. Now I'm trully alone. Well, she is doing what is best for her, so you can't blame her. 1
mattny Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 (edited) Shes selfish, yet you were leading her on into something you didnt want. So whos really selfish here? Not to mention you are still hung up over your ex when this new girl could be everything and then some for you. Forget the ex...why would you go back to something thats worse than what you have? Ive been single almost 9 months now and Ive had zero rebounds. No desire to go eff my brains out. Id rather work my ass off, save a bit and acquire things in life first before i get nack into a relationship. Edited May 27, 2014 by mattny 1
redbaron005 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 My EX FWB told me last weekend that she can no longer be friends with me because she has developed feelings for me!! What the heck? She's dumping me as a friend. I have been sending her breadcrumbs but she has gone No Contact. Geez life is complicated. Now I'm trully alone. Good for her. Man up and ask her on a proper date. 1
Author RDawg Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 Like I've said in this thread, this rebound woman is an awesome person but I'm not that into her physically. I admit I've been stringing her along because I've been enjoying the attention and the emotional support. I do have feelings for this new girl but I'm not over my ex yet. I'm worried that I'm passing up a major opportunity here. I just wish that we hadn't dived into a physical relationship. I would have liked it if she had been a bit more patient with me when I said lets stop the sex but carry on spending time together. As soon as I said no more sex she said fine I'm outa here, which I suppose I understand. I'm really vascilating... Settle for the nice girl who I'm not that attracted to or hold out for longer and see what other opportunities present themselves.. I'm 43. I wanted a wife and family but I guess if it's meant to happen then it will.
stillfiguringitallou Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Sooooo it's selfish of her to not want to continue a friendship she knows she wants more from. But Not selfish of you to expect her to do that ... knowing you'll never stick it out with her? I think you have some emotional growing up to do my friend. If she were really your friend at all - you would have broke things off long ago - or at the very least been open with her about where you stood and took the risk she would choose not to be a part of it.
Author RDawg Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 (edited) I have tried to be honest from the beginning with her. She was getting sex and I was getting emotional support. I said to her that I'm in no state to enter into a relationship and she understood that. She also knew that I felt guilty each time we had sex. I think we had sex like 6 times or something. I even said to her that I found it strange that her shrink encouraged her to get involved sexually with me, because it was helping her self esteem issues. Not strange, quite ridiculous actually. When I say I've been stringing her along what I mean is that some of the things I said might have made her think I was falling for her. Pillow talk basically. I am sorry that she developed feelings and now wants to pull away and I understand it. I was being silly when I suggested she's being selfish. It hurts for both of us because we miss each other but it's also probably better for me because I can spend some more time healing and getting my centre back. But I'm going to miss her. Edited May 27, 2014 by RDawg 2
greenbee81 Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 My last ex was a rebound that turned into a 4 year relationship. Didn't turn out well, at first she pulled all the strings and in love, I wasn't in love. But at the end it was very painful, as I eventual fell in love.
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