Friends with the ex? why not?

[4everalones]

I have been doing no contact for a month and a half and of course I'm not healed at all. My ex and I had a rather amicable breakup: I was moving to another country, and he was clinically depressed. He decided to breakup with me to focus on his own problems, and also because he was not willing to do long distance from different continents. Although the breakup makes sense from a logical point of view, it still hit me really hard. Nevertheless, we're still civil to each other, and both still carry a lot of respect for each other. There was no yelling, begging, harassing, or ignoring from either of us.

 

I have been missing him a lot lately, and he's literally on my mind 24/7. I told him we can't be friends (because everyone here told me to go full no contact, and so I did). I haven't heard from him since then, and it's breaking my heart. I miss him a lot, I miss my best friend. I miss talking to him, telling him about my problems and having his advice and understanding. I want to be able to call him and talk to him about anything (just like I do with friends).

 

I would rather have a relationship with him, but if friendship is all I can get, then why not? I know that we'll both eventually start dating, and we'll meet other people. But why burn all bridges? Better have something than nothing at all? It would be great to be able to exchange the occasional texts, ideas, articles, jokes, discussions. Why is it such a bad idea?

Edited March 12, 2014 by 4everalones

[David87]

NO NO NO, because it's too early. Think about it, one day your ''friend'' will date again and maybe he'll ask you about some problems that he has with the new gf. How would you feel then?

[4everalones]

NO NO NO, because it's too early. Think about it, one day your ''friend'' will date again and maybe he'll ask you about some problems that he has with the new gf. How would you feel then?

 

As I mentioned before, he'll start dating with or without me in his life. So why not suck it up and be there anyway? I hate to think I lost such a wonderful person in my life.

 

The relationship was great, but the circumstances prevented us from being together. It shouldn't prevent us from being friends.

[David87]

As I mentioned before, he'll start dating with or without me in his life. So why not suck it up and be there anyway? I hate to think I lost such a wonderful person in my life.

 

The relationship was great, but the circumstances prevented us from being together. It shouldn't prevent us from being friends.

 

You're hurting now but it will get better in time, when he'll have a new girlfriend you'll be hurt 10 times more.

 

My ex was my everything, my lover my best friend my reason to be happy every day, but when I saw the pictures with her new bf something broke inside. I still care about her and I'm happy because I know that she has now what she never had with me.

 

What you're trying to do now is like reinventing the wheel. Sure you can be friends but only after a certain amount of time has passed and you're not that emotional.

Edited March 12, 2014 by David87

[NewPerspective93]

If you choose to be his friend, it'll be hard to let go since you'll always be there in some form.

 

How do you expect to heal if he's always there?

 

I was in your position but I abstained from contact because I knew it was for the best. It worked out well.

 

You're right about not letting certain circumstances prevent you from being friends, but right now you're hurting. You can be friends in the future, but right now, by being friends you'll always think that there's a chance because you're there. You'll subtly have a hint of hope that it could all come back but when he gets a girlfriend, it'll burn. I decided on being friends with my ex-gf and it hurt knowing she was with someone else, seeing her post stuff on FB with her bf.

 

Despite this, I was a close friend to my ex-gf after we ended things, and when she had rough patches with her bf, she'd come to me, and like a fool, I'd raise my tail in hopes of reinvigorating what we had. Nope. I learned my lesson and let her go and realized that being her friend was detrimental in my healing. It hurt and I'd hate for someone else to go through it.

 

I understand it sucks, but it will get better. Trust me.

 

Cheers.

Edited March 12, 2014 by NewPerspective93

[oz-missy]

As I mentioned before, he'll start dating with or without me in his life. So why not suck it up and be there anyway? I hate to think I lost such a wonderful person in my life.

 

The relationship was great, but the circumstances prevented us from being together. It shouldn't prevent us from being friends.

 

Hey I'm friends with a few of my exes. Nothing wrong with that. Sometimes you just don't work as a couple but work a lot better as friends.

 

Do what your heart tells you, not what some (potentially) jaded people behind a computer screen tells you (yes I know that also implicates me in that field, but I did have to make my point).

[VeronicaRoss]

OP, worth considering -- why NC might be a really good idea for both of you precisely because you DIDN'T break up from incompatibility. You two are kind of ticking time bombs for each other's future romantic happiness if you stay in contact. Because your bond will grow, and that is not going to help your relationship with your future spouses. Would you want to be involved with someone who was in contact with an ex they feel the way you do about him? Probably not. Who would? And it could get ugly. You could get stuck in an emotional affair.

 

Here's a great real life example of how badly that can go...

 

 

My ex began dating a friend of mine 'Suzy' right after I left him (I'm talking days after). They only dated a month, some other guy came on stronger and she thought he was more interested so she ended it up with 'Sam'. That's the way she tells the story now. Back then she made a big deal about how crazy in love she was with the more aggressive guy. But Sam also had a bad habit of talking about how great women from his past were to provoke jealousy. So she didn't think he was that into her. They were very compatible, were attracted to each other, but broke up before they really started.

 

They stayed in contact, lots of letter writing ever since as well as socializing while in the same town visiting. He justified his socializing with his wife and Suzy because he and Suzy apparently didn't have sex in that month. He and I were together a lot longer, did have sex but he admitted to me he was more in love with Suzy. His wife only knows about his feelings for me (which are mostly sexual it turned out so I went back in NC with him), not about his deep love for Suzy. This way he gets to stay in contact with her.

 

The point here is Sam told me by continuing to write back and forth those two are more in love with each other now than they were 30 years ago. He's been married 25 of those! He said he really fell in love with Suzy over their letters -- continued contact. His wife doesn't know about his feelings and she considers Suzy her friend too. If she ever finds out about this, ouch. When I called Suzy to ask her side of the story she told me she couldn't talk about it in front of her boyfriend. And then when we did talk, she denied everything. Her voice betrayed her though, she didn't sound neutral about him at all.

 

What a mess.

 

Their relationship never had a chance to 'go bad' in real life. I can tell you from speaking with both of them they are strangely and blissfully not telling the full truth about their lives with each other, they are both in deep fantasy mode too. I don't think intentionally, they're just kind of stuck in flirtation and mutual admiration. That is very possibly where you could go to OP. Sam's wife is truly amazing, more of his fantasy girl than Suzy ever was. But their EA makes him blind to a lot of that.

 

Btw, Suzy has never married.

 

I think this is one of the things people here are trying to help you avoid.

Edited March 12, 2014 by VeronicaRoss

[4everalones]

Do what your heart tells you, not what some (potentially) jaded people behind a computer screen tells you (yes I know that also implicates me in that field, but I did have to make my point).

 

haha, yeah! Honestly, I feel like most of the advice here is generic. I really appreciate the feedback I get here, but most of the time, it doesn't take the specific situation in consideration. When my ex and I broke up, I made sure to explain everything so I get objective advice. All I got was: he left for someone else, he doesn't love you, he never cared, etc.. Wow! I know these things aren't true, and these responses seemed a bit bitter!

 

I started No Contact because I was told by so many people here to do so. My ex was still civil and polite. He was very helpful and considerate after the breakup. I, on the other hand, came out as childish and immature for blocking him on all social media and giving him the silent treatment.

 

I do believe NC is good for healing. But every situation is different. We talked for so long about breaking up before it happened, and it was amicable. So why behave this way? why lose a great person just because we live so far away now?

 

I do get the point of him having a girlfriend. It will hurt of course. But having regrets and what-ifs all the time hurts far more!

[4everalones]

OP, worth considering -- why NC might be a really good idea for both of you precisely because you DIDN'T break up from incompatibility. You two are kind of ticking time bombs for each other's future romantic happiness if you stay in contact. Because your bond will grow, and that is not going to help your relationship with your future spouses. Would you want to be involved with someone who was in contact with an ex they feel the way you do about him? Probably not. Who would? And it could get ugly. You could get stuck in an emotional affair.

 

Here's a great real life example of how badly that can go...

 

 

My ex began dating a friend of mine 'Suzy' right after I left him (I'm talking days after). They only dated a month, some other guy came on stronger and she thought he was more interested so she ended it up with 'Sam'. That's the way she tells the story now. Back then she made a big deal about how crazy in love she was with the more aggressive guy. But Sam also had a bad habit of talking about how great women from his past were to provoke jealousy. So she didn't think he was that into her. They were very compatible, were attracted to each other, but broke up before they really started.

 

They stayed in contact, lots of letter writing ever since as well as socializing while in the same town visiting. He justified his socializing with his wife and Suzy because he and Suzy apparently didn't have sex in that month. He and I were together a lot longer, did have sex but he admitted to me he was more in love with Suzy. His wife only knows about his feelings for me (which are mostly sexual it turned out so I went back in NC with him), not about his deep love for Suzy. This way he gets to stay in contact with her.

 

The point here is Sam told me by continuing to write back and forth those two are more in love with each other now than they were 30 years ago. He's been married 25 of those! He said he really fell in love with Suzy over their letters -- continued contact. His wife doesn't know about his feelings and she considers Suzy her friend too. If she ever finds out about this, ouch. When I called Suzy to ask her side of the story she told me she couldn't talk about it in front of her boyfriend. And then when we did talk, she denied everything. Her voice betrayed her though, she didn't sound neutral about him at all.

 

What a mess.

 

Their relationship never had a chance to 'go bad' in real life. I can tell you from speaking with both of them they are strangely and blissfully not telling the full truth about their lives with each other, they are both in deep fantasy mode too. I don't think intentionally, they're just kind of stuck in flirtation and mutual admiration. That is very possibly where you could go to OP. Sam's wife is truly amazing, more of his fantasy girl than Suzy ever was. But their EA makes him blind to a lot of that.

 

Btw, Suzy has never married.

 

I think this is one of the things people here are trying to help you avoid.

 

Thank you for the story. I really does make sense, and I can see the bound getting stronger with my ex with contact.

 

I didn't break No Contact (yet?). Perhaps we can be friends some day, when both of us have found new loves. I feel like my situation is a bit different than most people here: no one betrayed anyone, and the reasons behind the breakup were very clear and logical.

 

I hope I won't lose this man for good. After a long time no talking at all, people just become strangers.

[David87]

Thank you for the story. I really does make sense, and I can see the bound getting stronger with my ex with contact.

 

I didn't break No Contact (yet?). Perhaps we can be friends some day, when both of us have found new loves. I feel like my situation is a bit different than most people here: no one betrayed anyone, and the reasons behind the breakup were very clear and logical.

 

I hope I won't lose this man for good. After a long time no talking at all, people just become strangers.

 

I think that the real reason behind being friends with your ex is the fact that you want him back in your life as a lover. I'm not jaded or frustrated I just gave my honest and objective advice, it's up to you what you do with it

[4everalones]

I think that the real reason behind being friends with your ex is the fact that you want him back in your life as a lover. I'm not jaded or frustrated I just gave my honest and objective advice, it's up to you what you do with it

 

I still have feelings for him. I never denied that. But I am in another continent right now, and will probably never see him again (at least not for a few years). I still have a tiny hope that some day, when the time and place are right, we can try to work things out. But logically, I know it's not going to happen as I am not planning to move back to the states.

 

I just want him back in my life in any form. We were best friends before we were lovers. I always thought he was a great person (I'm not idealizing him after the breakup). Now we're two strangers who never talk to each other. That's just sad!!!

[saltyfishhead666]

I have been doing no contact for a month and a half and of course I'm not healed at all. My ex and I had a rather amicable breakup: I was moving to another country, and he was clinically depressed. He decided to breakup with me to focus on his own problems, and also because he was not willing to do long distance from different continents. Although the breakup makes sense from a logical point of view, it still hit me really hard. Nevertheless, we're still civil to each other, and both still carry a lot of respect for each other. There was no yelling, begging, harassing, or ignoring from either of us.

 

I have been missing him a lot lately, and he's literally on my mind 24/7. I told him we can't be friends (because everyone here told me to go full no contact, and so I did). I haven't heard from him since then, and it's breaking my heart. I miss him a lot, I miss my best friend. I miss talking to him, telling him about my problems and having his advice and understanding. I want to be able to call him and talk to him about anything (just like I do with friends).

 

I would rather have a relationship with him, but if friendship is all I can get, then why not? I know that we'll both eventually start dating, and we'll meet other people. But why burn all bridges? Better have something than nothing at all? It would be great to be able to exchange the occasional texts, ideas, articles, jokes, discussions. Why is it such a bad idea?

 

 

 

No no no no nooooooooo!!!

 

Not a good idea at all! You miss the person you are in love with, the single version is entirely different.

 

You are in denial if you think you can form a friendship. You love and miss the guy. You can only see him in one light and that is the relationship light.

 

There is no way you "as a friend" can sit back and watch him move on. You can't give him advice, or hang out. Where is the friendship there?

 

You'll only hurt yourself that I can promise you. No contact is so you can heal, you'll be prolonging your own pain and won't thank yourself for it in the long run