JourneyLady Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 (edited) I'm in the dark about something. Say you meet someone, like them, and want to at least hear from them everyday. Why is this termed needy? -- because... Let's say things work out and you date, get engaged and get married. When you're married, unless one of you flies out of town regularly, you have to see each other every day. Which would you rather have... Someone who wants to see you everyday, or someone who barely looks you in the eye in the morning and really would rather be out partying with others instead of being with you in the evenings? The term "needy" doesn't make much sense in the marriage context, unless it's someone who holds onto your pants leg or skirt when you go to work (think separation anxiety in children). Rarely ever is the term used after marriage. If I like someone, I'd like to hear from or see them every day, but I don't need to. What it boils down to, is that if they don't seem to want to talk to me and see how things are with me every day, then they really don't like me enough. IF they aren't going to want to talk to me daily, then they probably don't want to ever get married to me either. I think it's just a term for "I'm not that much into you, but there isn't anyone else right now. So my desire is just to hang on enough in case, or until someone else "better" shows up. So I'm not prepared to give you more of my time than I feel like giving." Thoughts on this? I know I've mentioned it before, but I've done a lot of thinking on it, and it makes no sense to me. I'm not desperate for a guy, but if I like one, it's pleasure to hear from him -- unless he acts like it's an obligation, a chore, or not something that cheers him up. Maybe it's just me... but then I was married for three decades. If I had been married to someone I didn't want to see every day, I don't think we'd have made it that far. Edited March 11, 2014 by JourneyLady
RedRobin Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I think there is a certain progression to things... when I was dating my now ex-H, we didn't talk everyday. As we got to know each other, our lives became enmeshed, so it was natural and desirable to talk to each other every day or nearly every day. A lot of people who have been married for awhile want to jump right back into that stage they enjoyed the most... but forget maybe that it took awhile to get to that stage?? I've been guilty of it myself... until I realized how long it took me and just about every man I've been with long term to get to that point. These days, I try to recreate that dynamic or progression without actually 'dating' someone... because I don't like the constant texting, emailing stuff I wasn't burdened with when I was single before my marriage. Plus, lots of people these days insist on dating/sleeping with multiple people simultaneously while getting to know each other. It's all upside down these days if you ask me. I do my best to get to know the man in some other context before starting something romantic. If you are talking about guys you meet online... there is nothing natural about online dating, IMHO.
d0nnivain Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 In the beginning of a dating relationship when you have this desire to speak to a new person every day that can be a bit overwhelming. It comes across as needy because it feels like it's less about the other person & more about you not being comfortable in your own skin & being afraid or unable to be alone. It's like you don't care who is there as long as somebody is. In a marriage, over time your spouse has become part of your routine & an extension of you. But in a healthy marriage the two people still function independently & can do things apart. It becomes problematic when one spouse can't do anything without the other & refuses to allow the other even a small measure of freedom. Think of it like a soft serve vanilla / chocolate swirled ice cream. When it's good, the 2 flavors co-exist & you can see the lines separating them. You can taste them separately or together. When it's bad they mix together & you get diluted chocolate with the vanilla disappearing.
mukkrakker Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 The term "needy" doesn't make much sense It makes sense to the person using it, so you should ask them what they are looking for in a relationship, hypothetically...
Recommended Posts