Left Australia and my GF behind, am I a fool for still loving her?

[nickjd]

Hey everyone, I'm new here so go easy on me. I'm 26 years old and just returned home to my parents in the UK after 4 years living with the girl of my dreams in Australia. We met in 2006 online and decided we wanted each other after other relationships. Finally moved in together in july 2010. It's been parties, family, weddings and funerals, ups and downs, kisses and cards, you name it.

 

I knew things started to go a little slow when I got depressed from losing 2 or 3 of my jobs, plus the limits on my work visa. It didn't make things easier, but we always got on fine.

 

This last couple of years had been the hardest, we had both decided to start working out and exercising for a hobby. I had to take a job at a meat factory earlier in 2013 to keep the money going. We rented a house together and had a dog and two cars. The Aussie dream I guess. My partner decided to take her exercise to the extreme, she began sprinting, then workout dvds, finally she began heavy weight lifting and boxing. She looked fantastic and her self confidence had gone from the meek music nerd I knew when I was 20 to a feisty little amazonian... heh, fill in the blanks.

 

The problems began when I used to ride my bike with her to drop her off at boxing. We used to ride everywhere on our bikes. One day a large young man with a beard stumbled out from the boxing class and gave me the dirtiest look I'll never forget.

 

Soon after, we would come home from work and not talk and dinner would be no eye contact or she had to go to boxing or the gym, alone... Her step sisters wedding this christmas was just 2 weeks of her sitting on her phone texting, facebooking, snap-chatting. It doesn't take a genius to work out I was being phased out. One day when she was showering I saw a message pop up on her phone, it was from the guy at her boxing class. It said he was very jealous that I picked her up from boxing and wished he had a partner to pick him up on her bike. I knew straight away that these two were talking about relationships as further down it said (from her) that she felt like a married couple (even though we weren't married). I felt awful, I knew I had become mundane and predictable through being depressed and trying to build relations at work was impossible. I never read her phone again until the day I left in mid February.

 

So the talking continued, I had gotten a new job working night shifts and sleeping during the day. I knew she was still talking to her new flame and what knows else. She began casually going to his house for 'dinner' until 11pm a couple of times I knew of, then a party. Inbetween all this, after 4 years Australian Visa called me and said I was now officially a temporary resident of australia, which opens a lot of doors for work etc. I thought I'd be nice and pick her up from work and bought some nice flowers too. She seemed vacant at the flowers.. normally she loved them. (gee I wonder). So after I find flowers in the boot of her car, 20 roses, I hit the roof and test her out to she if would come clean... where, when, why? etc, nothing aggressive, just every chance to say "im fed up with you", nothing... after her being hostile with her phone, hiding it, taking the sim card out of paranoia, she went to work one day. I frantically searched the house for tangible proof of this man she'd been cheating with... then out of pure luck her old phone was in the dresser, I plugged it in and it was still signed into her facebook account. I was watching IM's pop up in chat in real time from "cam" and saw flirting with stuff like "mmm cant wait to get in your ass babe" and so on. Then came the dick pics...I began to dry reach and think I'd been sleeping at night with this girl for 4 years. I saw other comments about me being a "fruit loop and making things worse for myself". When she got home from work I quizzed her, she played dumb frowning at me. Until I told her everything I'd read and she burst into tears and started choking up. I said I'd already packed and ready to leave. She begged me to stay, but I knew she wouldn't leave the other guy alone. I told her I was so disappointed. We had a week together before I left in where we talked and agreed we needed time apart to think about what we wanted. Although we had sex, I felt nothing.. when she cuddled me, nothing again. It was like some android sitting on the bed with me.

 

Her lover sent her a text after I said to her to tell him she'd been flirting, saying basically "jeez fine, I can see you still love Nick, good luck with life".. then he text her again a day later saying "hey", then another text saying "OK I GET IT, YOU WONT HEAR FROM ME AGAIN".. she tells me he hasn't spoke since. (BS?)

 

Before I went she gave me one of her favorite shirts and asked for one of mine... we went to her parents house for one last meal. Her step dad got up and walked off half way through for half an hour and her mum gave me a cuddle half crying saying "come back soon, stay safe". She drove me to Melbourne airport on the 17th of February and now I'm back with my supportive family here. I never once cut them off, and rang them every week for an hour to tell them about my work and my relationship as well as emails.

 

We agreed no contact for a week, but I gave in when she asked how I was going and I would send her a facebook message every other day asking silly things, I was in total shock, I mean like not even anger, just this shock. I couldn't talk.

 

I've been at home 3 weeks now regaining my sanity, and I still have half an hour to myself where I will have a sulk or one of those gut wrenching moments thinking about how we looked at wedding rings and houses. The hardest thing is I sent her a long email explaining that although I was down and out from being jaded with work, it didn't mean I didn't appreciate her and hoped we could work things out from this. She sent one back saying she still loved me in a way and cared about me, but needed time to herself to work things out, at least 3 months and hoped one day thing would be back to normal. She also said I disrespected our agreement not to talk and I was pestering her. Hardly? She then added she wanted to call me during this week to talk about things. She told me shes had UTI's from stress and has hurt her hand from punching a wall...

 

Ive had girlfriends from the age of 14 and when they cheated me, I used to go "Seeya!" and nothing more was thought. Now the one girl I honestly thought I'd marry has done this. NOW, she could have just said I don't want to see you again, please sell your car and all your stuff. She hasn't.

 

It's just hard for me as my parents are saying forget about her, she's a bitch, you'll find someone over here who will love you more (we'll love them more because you'll be in england ) )YET my sister and father tell me they've had so many afairs and splits it's not even funny. The hardest thing is knowing likely I will NEVER see her in person ever again.

 

This probably seems a little immature to some people, but I'm just so glad we didn't sign a mortgage or get married or have kids. I do really miss my little dog over there though, it was gut wrenching patting him on the head and watching him stare me down the drive.

 

Hell of a vent I know, but it's a little different to just leaving someone in town. Im in a different world again. Is there hope for us?

 

Thanks everyone

[TheKook]

I'm soooo sorry to hear that and I can't imagine how confused you must feel by all of this. You're already doing a really good job but I would def take a break for a while and not talk to her. She's a little confusing because, if she truly, truly loved you then her essentially cheating on you would've never happened. But at the same time she does in fact care, so I think the decision of giving her a second chance is mostly on the fence. You could try again in the future, but you have to remember...

 

When you lay in bed with her at night, and hold onto her, will you feel comfortable? Will you be alright knowing that she flirted with another guy, exchanged dirty pictures with him, and lied to you? Things might never feel the same and the only reason you want her back is because you miss that emotional connection, when in reality it might just be smarter to move on.

 

I would think about it hard for a long time. Good luck ever trusting her again. I know I wouldn't.

[swfc_77]

Keep your chin up buddy.

 

Not the same but my ex girlfriend of 3 years just upped and left me to return to NZ, one day she wanted kids, marriage and a house, the next she just said she was going.

 

3 weeks from happy to emigrating to the other side of the world.

 

I'd use the cheating as a way of closure, use it as a way to begin to get over her, probably a blessing that she is now at the other side of the world.

 

I understand the never seeing them again, I woke up with the same girl besides me every morning and now I have to come to terms with the fact that I will never see her again, very tough and I do know where you are coming from.

 

Think of the distance as an advantage, I'm UK based too and I will bet my life you are clock watching telling yourself the time in Australia like I am now with NZ

 

it might bring you a few minute peace knowing that there is someone out there going through the distance side of things similar too yourself.

 

All the best buddy,

[nickjd]

Thank you for the warm words everyone. I truly miss her regardless of what she has done. I'll never forget what she did but I can forgive her. The funny thing is that I said to her that this new flame or friend was a sociopath just from the way she treated me. After facebook stalking him using tenuous leads, it turned out that he'd had THREE relationships in TWO years, each saying "it's complicated". Soon after that, all of that information disappeared.

 

The messed up part is that apparently this guys parents started giving my partner gifts and let her stay at their house for dinner etc. Surely they would know she was already in a relationship and could draw a line?, or maybe that's just BS too.

 

I can't tell if this was her way of saying 'thanks for the memories', because she mentioned she hadn't been happy for nearly a year (neither had I since I got a rough deal with work, its hard when you're not a native.. bullying, nepotism)

 

She hasn't deleted any pictures of us on facebook and I asked a couple of her friends and they didn't even know I had moved back (apparently) She still pops up at usual times on facebook chat before work and in the evening, but being in different time zones, it's hard.

 

I can't bring myself to just going no contact because it doesn't feel like shes playing me or testing waters. Shes already apologized for the hurt and cheating in the email, but says shes still unsure. Is this because she is overwhelmed with guilt and doesn't want to look pathetic by asking for me back?

 

Im feeling A LOT better than 3 weeks ago when I could barely speak. Just my mother (bless her) said something along the lines of "oh stop being upset, I can guarantee you she does not feel upset in the slightest, so just get over it". I told her it's a little difficult to withold these feelings when you've lived a whole new life in a different world and the fact we may never make human eye contact again is almost like a grievance.

 

I don't want to win her back, but I want to find out why it went wrong that she had to look elsewhere for love. I just wish things could go back to normal!

 

PS, Im back in the UK and I can't get over how crowded and littered the place is and the price of things I took for granted in Australia. I actually feel homesick from my new home. However, I miss my partner most of all

 

I just hope inside she feels the same. Can anyone suggest where to go from here?

[Standard-Fare]

If she truly loved you and wanted to work on things, she would not have let you move away from her to another continent. Or even if she did make that mistake of letting you go, she would be making attempts to correct it by now.

 

That's beyond the fact that if she respected your relationship to begin with, she wouldn't have cheated on you very deliberately and repeatedly. It wasn't like "Oh she was drunk one night and had a lapse in judgment" or even "She slipped up and fell back in with an ex." No, this girl actually started a full-on relationship with another man while dating you. She's gotten to know his PARENTS!

 

This girl has treated you very unfairly, and with an alarming lack of compassion. Even if you were depressed and boring for a while (we all are sometimes), she should have adhered to some basic standards of human decency.

 

This sounds like it is searingly painful and I understand why your mind is trying to go for that sliver of hope of "Does she still care for me?" But do what you can to distance yourself from her and work on your healing.

 

And instead of treating this return to home as a temporary recuperation strategy, recognize it as the launchpad for a new phase of your life. One amazing thing is that you now have more freedom than you've had in years, and it sounds like you can go anywhere you want with your life.

[nickjd]

Her step dad just sent me a short email with pictures of his phone that got "bucked" by horse in his pocket and talking about their pet dog. Seems odd he's still in touch.

 

My girlfriend sent me an email saying she wanted space and time to mend a broken heart. It sounds like she can't decide, part of me can't decide because I've known her all these years and we got on great and everyone around us said we looked great together. I know it doesn't mean a lot.

 

I just can't bare to think about life back here in depressed England, in the north east it is so grim and not full of life. I keep reminding myself that this is how 60 million people live and I have just had one long holiday with a girl, it helps. But I get mixed messages from what she says. And no I don't love her because she lives in Australia, I love her.

 

I know one day I will find love again, but it's a hard road.

 

So hypothetically, if I did return and we made up, would it be the biggest regret of my life?

Edited March 12, 2014 by nickjd

[Snow101]

Brother, she crossed the line. This is a hell of a journey you're about to go on. I don't know the answers. Survive, stay strong. But stay away from her, she sounds like another trainwreck wishy-washy type that has no clue what she wants nor did she appreciate you at all.

[Standard-Fare]

There's no chance of healing your relationship with her because she torched all trust. That's the point of no return. You would never be able to have any security. You would know just what she is capable of.

 

And you don't have to live in "depressed England." You can live where you want, you can do what you want. You can start a new career path.

 

Make yourself as awesome as you can be, so in a few years when this chick inevitably checks in on you she will want to bash her head in for letting a great one go.

 

But don't do it for her. Do it for you.

[nickjd]

we just spoke on facebook after a week of NC. She said she was surprised it went that quick. It's hard knowing that I'd be leaving the country again for a now fickle woman because she gets what she wants now shes all 'hot' I feel like I have lost the person I really knew.

 

I mentioned we needed to talk properly, it's difficult making time in different zones with work. Her next day off is tuesday. I'm going to lay down the facts and she better explain to me what she wants. It just pisses me off she is now stating when and where SHE can talk. Either way, I know now (but slowly) that I shouldn't go back for her, but for me, and much as a nice place it was I will never likely get a job in which I don't get bullied out of. I need to build a trade for myself here and who knows where I might be.

 

for 4 years she helped me with a partner visa to get to australia, so unless I find someone else in the next 3 years whos australian or we get back together or marry, I can kiss that all goodbye. If things are too good to be true, they usually are. I feel incredibly sick inside.

 

Everyone has said my biggest problem is I'm too nice on people.

 

It was a week or so after I caught her cheating and had to stay with her. I found she started holding my hand more, random bursts of cuddling and making me nice things to eat and drink. We had fantastic sex, We started doing things like we did when we first dated. The hardest thing is knowing all her family so well, her family got on better with me than my own. I really will miss this is all after everything. She told me her family was my family now.

 

As for the UTI, she had kidney problems since childbirth, and has them operated 2 years ago. I know, Ive seen the scars because I dropped her off at intensive care!. She used to get violent UTI's every other month from stress, drinking etc, not from my dirty dick either, I am circumcised and wore a condom most of the time because she gave up the pill. she was DEFINITELY not sleeping with anyone other than me. She said shes been on a 3rd course of anti biotics now after I left, I dont know if thats her bragging she got a STD or if its her way of saying shes ****ed up big time and is reeling in regret and stress.

 

She swore blind on her life and her family, holding my hands and looking into my eyes crying she never had sex with this guy, but I feel the intention was there because she hoped I'd never find out, she said she was playing with him for attention. I can forgive her for that, sometimes we all think about other people, but I don't think I'd take it that far! In any case, if shes this volatile now, who knows what she'll be like in 5, 10 years.. Again, I thought she would be the last person to do this as shes very straight headed.

Edited March 13, 2014 by nickjd

[Standard-Fare]

She swore blind on her life and her family, holding my hands and looking into my eyes crying she never had sex with this guy, but I feel the intention was there because she hoped I'd never find out, she said she was playing with him for attention. I can forgive her for that, sometimes we all think about other people, but I don't think I'd take it that far!

 

Wait, when did this happen? (Her claiming she never slept with this guy)

 

Is this before you found her out? Or AFTER?

 

Either way: She DID sleep with him. The guy texted her: "I can't wait to get in your ass." They clearly had established a sexual relationship.

 

So, whenever it was when she swore on her life and looked you straight in the eyes, she was lying. And that's scary.

 

This chick just sounds like major trouble.

[nickjd]

She said this about 1.5 weeks before I eventually left. I asked her about the whole butt sex thing, and she said it was just him talking about it in future tense, I don't quite buy it either, but I had to give her the benefit of the doubt on that. If she could lie about that, then indeed she is not an honest human being at all.

 

We spoke briefly on FB the other night. I wrote one of those emails to get things off my mind, no pleading or begging. It just said I had missed her, I hadn't tried hard enough and said I'm sure she'd make someone a happy husband in the future. I honestly doubt I'll ever meet anyone like her or get over her fully for years.

 

She has always been quiet until she started hanging out with her 'girly' friends from work. She began clubbing and partying, some years after that whole phase, I went through it at 20-23. One of the texts I found on her phone was from a friend of hers who never liked me. She had said to Libby "Jeez, Nick is such a downer, he can't help but make everyone feel miserable can he?" she had wrote back "oh hes having a rough time right now, but he's ok" . It pisses me off that her friends are calling how she should feel about me. This text was from like July 2013.

 

All of the other texts with her friends never mentioned anything about her seeing or meeting anyone. Even texts from her dad asked how I was going and she was happily replying that I was doing ok with new jobs and things.

 

The hardest thing was when she was balling her eyes out and she was grovelling she had made the biggest mistake and ****ed up so bad, all I could do was hug her like when someone gets sacked from a job they love (been there!) She kept grabbing my arm and putting it in a fist and saying "JUST PUNCH ME, DO IT, I DESERVE THIS" (bearing in mind she does do boxing, I WOULD NEVER EVER HIT HER other than a playful dead arm, or boxing into palms) On skype weeks ago she said would I consider seeing other people, and if I did would I still want to get back together with her? She said she's missed out and whats to try new things. I sense a big fat quarter life crisis.

 

After reading the G.I.G.S thread, everything makes much more sense now. I actually feel better every day and the thought of not seeing her again is terrible, but for 3 years we had a LDR relationship ontop of the 4 years together so I know I can handle no physical contact. I guess the total loss of independence is gut wrenching, I cant afford to rent a flat on my own here so with regret I am living with my parents at 26! (thats england for you though) I intend to get working again, I actually had a steady job working for council in the uk that I gave up to be with her.

 

Im so glad my friends and family have been supportive, and although very tough on me, it's probably for the best. I'd become dazed and confused by the whole ordeal. Listen to dazed and confused by Zeppelin / Yardbirds, makes much more sense now.

 

I don't know if I'll ever meet another girl who enjoys working out and lifts, eating healthy and home cooking, pets, riding bikes and listening to james brown and sly stone and laughs at the same ****ty jokes. It's hard when you've known the person so well that ultimately you get comfy, then depressed from work, and lead to ones diminishing feelings and break up from it. STORY OF EVERYONES LIFE!

 

Oh and those thinking theres no smoke without fire. About 1.5 years ago she would not speak to me for a whole day with her arms folded. I had no idea why she was so pissed off with me. Then she told me she had logged into my facebook log and gone right back to 2007 and seen that I'd searched for my ex on facebook. Apparently this meant I was cheating and obviously messaging her, and didn't love my SO anymore. I had to explain to her that I was simply checking on how she was doing out of curiosity and not having feelings for her, that girl ripped my heart out when I was young. We didn't speak for a week. Obviously she's never gotten over it, even though she is still friends with some of her ex's or have mutual friends and still 'checks up' on them. Maybe there was a deep seated trust issue and she was actually very insecure of herself. Maybe I shouldn't hold hopes for someone who can give it but can't take anything.

Edited March 14, 2014 by nickjd

[nickjd]

It sounds shallow at this point, but I keep telling myself I was there for her, not Australia. It's a different life style over there. A lot of the people living are old or retired, and the cities are just like anywhere else. The country is nice I guess but I miss the green and deep heritage England has. Pros and Cons.

 

I will miss her family and friends just as much as her. I called her parents just to tell them Im ok and they sounded quite pleased to here from me. Her dad got quite upset and send I need to carry on and wished me the best of luck with it all.

 

Meanwhile, I spoke to her on facebook and we got talking about weight lifting and dieting, was nice to have a chat about things other than our break. She still comes online every day, still has all the photos of us kissing her and other candid shots and her status on facebook says "in a relationship". I still have a car at her house she's not asked anything to be done with yet. I'm so confused by all the messages.

 

Maybe she does want a legitimate break, I wanted one too so I could see my family. Although she cheated and it hurts, it didn't last long if only a week of hanging at this guys place and chit chat. It's hard, but it's harder to let go of something that's been my life, just when I started to become better. As for trust being lost, it can be repaired slowly. She had told me she had HER heart broken over a year ago and is getting over it slowly. She has said she is not in love right now but would hate to never see me again and hopes one day things will be back to normal.

 

I am making new friends in England again. One friend told me I should just leave her to it for a while and ask if she wants to live with me for a while. That seemed fair.

 

I'm sorry if I look like the biggest dick to you guys, but it's so hard to just forget about what has been and could be, or not.

[nickjd]

Had the most interesting conversation with my father. Please delete this thread admins, or how do you delete?