nedkelly34 Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 So the wife found out through the grapevine some stories were told regarding exs, co-workers, friends, etc. She accused me of "holding a candle" for some of them. Things were said and she basically stated fantasizing/ recalling experiences was emotional cheating. I don't see it but she's PO'ed. So what say you? Fair game or not? Can someone have unpure thoughts of a co-worker, friend, acquaintance/ recall past exploits without being a "cheater"?
Keenly Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 So the wife found out through the grapevine some stories were told regarding exs, co-workers, friends, etc. She accused me of "holding a candle" for some of them. Things were said and she basically stated fantasizing/ recalling experiences was emotional cheating. I don't see it but she's PO'ed. So what say you? Fair game or not? Can someone have unpure thoughts of a co-worker, friend, acquaintance/ recall past exploits without being a "cheater"? Your wife is being beyond unreasonable. To think that she has the right to tell you what to think is just way past controlling. 1
Silly_Girl Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 What things were said? In what context? Your post is quite vague and it would be useful to understand how explicit or strong the thoughts expressed were. And whether it was about actual events with exes, or things you would have liked to have happened but didn't. And what does 'on the grapevine' mean? How did your wife hear this stuff? I wonder whether her reaction is as much about context as content. 3
BC1980 Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 It's normal to fantasize about other people. How far you take it is different. No one can be expected to never feel attraction for anyone else just because they are married. If it's some sort of obsession, that's a problem, but it's just plain normal to think about someone else sexually from time to time. Hell, I used to think a guy I worked with was so hot when I was with my ex. I was very much in love and attracted to my ex, and I would never have cheated on him. However, there was something about this guy at work. I might have fantasized about kissing him a time or two. 1
Author nedkelly34 Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 @silly girl The boys were having beers, watching the game in a garage. Someone must have blabbed to their wife what we were talking about and it got back. Once confronted with it I said it was no big deal. She wanted to hear from me so I mentioned a couple exs, some people I knew, a girl I worked with both just thoughts and some deeds. Either way, thoughts or deeds, I don't see the issue. I think everyone looks back once in a while
Author nedkelly34 Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 @keenly and BC1980 This is what I'm thinking. I think it is human nature and to try to control thought is a lesson in futility
Silly_Girl Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 @silly girl The boys were having beers, watching the game in a garage. Someone must have blabbed to their wife what we were talking about and it got back. Once confronted with it I said it was no big deal. She wanted to hear from me so I mentioned a couple exs, some people I knew, a girl I worked with both just thoughts and some deeds. Either way, thoughts or deeds, I don't see the issue. I think everyone looks back once in a while Still you aren't explaining. It could have been 'I had some great times with X' or it could have been 'X is smokin' hot, I'd love to bang her even now. I still think about what we got up to...'. And so on. One of those would irk me and the other wouldn't. 2
melell Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Personally I wouldn't care. When guys get together the topics can get pretty weird, and they can egg each other on, and encourage some off par conversation. Same with a group of girls. There is a difference between saying things and really meaning it/caring, and saying things just for the hell of it. Even if it was more than that, and you thought about it frequently I wouldn't consider it emotional cheating because there is no actual interaction, not even verbal. Tell your wife to hush.
Candy_Pants Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Everyone's idea of what is acceptable behavior in a relationship is different, and frankly it's between you and your wife. I would never try to have a monopoly on my H's sexual thoughts, but him saying sexual things about other women to a group of friends isn't exactly respectful. 7
thinkingofhim Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Still you aren't explaining. It could have been 'I had some great times with X' or it could have been 'X is smokin' hot, I'd love to bang her even now. I still think about what we got up to...'. And so on. One of those would irk me and the other wouldn't. I agree, feels like we're getting the "he said" part of the story without a lot of actual information on what happened. 3
Author nedkelly34 Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 @silly girl and @thinkingofhim It was a bunch of the guys so it was more of the latter: "smoking hot, what we got up to", etc. I think I get it now but let me ask for clarification: It is OK to think about but not OK to verbalize?
Emilia Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 It is OK to think about but not OK to verbalize? Put yourself in your wife's shoes. What would you like her to do if she were you? 2
thinkingofhim Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 @silly girl and @thinkingofhim It was a bunch of the guys so it was more of the latter: "smoking hot, what we got up to", etc. I think I get it now but let me ask for clarification: It is OK to think about but not OK to verbalize? If I was your wife I'd be angry too. I think the problem is you were talking that way about women that you actually know/knew, so to your wife, those women are potential threats if you decide you want to have another round. I'd say... fantasize privately about women you've been with or know in real life. Talk openly about hot chicks you don't know--hot chicks that your wife would see as fantasies-only, not as actual, potential competitors.
cozycottagelg Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 You need friends who aren't going to blab to their wives. You were with male friends having beers and talking about past partners, big whoop. I don't assume I'm my husbands be all end all IN HIS BRAIN.
central Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 (edited) Fantasizing is normal. Casual bs-ing with the guys/gals about it is pretty typical too. If it becomes more than that, where you start preferring someone else or actually pursuing them, then it's a problem. My wife and I both fantasize occasionally, and admit it. We certainly know we can't be everything for each other all the time, and a little fantasy is a healthy release, in our opinion. It's certainly not cheating, and your wife must be either very insecure or heavily indoctrinated in some dysfunctional ideas to think so, IMO. Edited March 11, 2014 by central 2
wanting more Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 i would hope its not cheating, i (and a couple other women in my office) fantasize about our boss, he's tall, good looking, very muscular, ex football player and looks like he'd be great in bed i would never actually sleep with him, but i certainly imagine it. 1
Almond_Joy Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 (edited) @silly girl and @thinkingofhim It was a bunch of the guys so it was more of the latter: "smoking hot, what we got up to", etc. I think I get it now but let me ask for clarification: It is OK to think about but not OK to verbalize? Mirroring what Silly Girl is saying: It seems disrespectful to talk about other women you want to bang when you're committed. Even if it's "allowed" or your wife is cool with it (which it doesn't sound like she is). Like many women, your wife probably doesn't want to entertain the thought that you sexually reminesce over women other than her. It doesn't leave a good feeling. It may not seem like cheating to you, but your wife doesn't know what, if any, emotional attachment you have to what you're saying. To someone who doesn't know your thoughts/feelings behind what you're saying it would come off as a red flag for infidelity potential. No one can control what you think, but it would probably be best if you not verbalize those particular thoughts. Or at least talk to your wife about what "ex talk" she's comfortable with before you do. Edited March 11, 2014 by Almond_Joy 1
Author nedkelly34 Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 @thinkingofhim Most excellent advice. Sometimes I just think like a guy:D
Author nedkelly34 Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 Seems like most are in agreement here that it is normal and natural- good for me;). The way I see it, you smell fresh-cut grass and remember a childhood trip to Wrigley Field; or see an old muscle car and remember your buddy's hot-rod and all the fun; or see a wine on the wine list you remember having on the beach before mind-blowing sex. It just happens. 1
MissBee Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 (edited) So the wife found out through the grapevine some stories were told regarding exs, co-workers, friends, etc. She accused me of "holding a candle" for some of them. Things were said and she basically stated fantasizing/ recalling experiences was emotional cheating. I don't see it but she's PO'ed. So what say you? Fair game or not? Can someone have unpure thoughts of a co-worker, friend, acquaintance/ recall past exploits without being a "cheater"? I don't understand what you're saying, were you telling other people your fantasies and word got back to your wife? If so, I understand why she's upset. Fantasies are in your mind or say shared on an anonymous forum, but speaking to coworkers or other people about your sexual fantasies when you're married is inappropriate. It's not cheating but it is showing some improper boundaries. Fantasies are normal and everyone has them, but it's one thing to muse about your own fantasies in your mind and another to have a pow wow discussing it aloud, not to mention embarrassing to your spouse, when she's not present and you're on about what you want to do with someone else, someone else whom she KNOWS! That's even worse...it's not like we're talking a celebrity. How would you feel if your wife was sharing with others that she wanted to have sex with your neighbor Steve and word got back to you about it? It's not that the fantasy itself is cheating or necessarily bad but the lack of discretion in sharing esp when said person is a real life person your spouse knows as well is disrespectful. Some things are best kept to yourself sir. Edited March 11, 2014 by MissBee 3
underwater2010 Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 So the wife found out through the grapevine some stories were told regarding exs, co-workers, friends, etc. She accused me of "holding a candle" for some of them. Things were said and she basically stated fantasizing/ recalling experiences was emotional cheating. I don't see it but she's PO'ed. So what say you? Fair game or not? Can someone have unpure thoughts of a co-worker, friend, acquaintance/ recall past exploits without being a "cheater"? I can understand the impure thoughts....but voicing them to others is a big NO, NO. If in fact this was said by people you are currently in contact with...I would be worried too. 1
pteromom Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Seems like most are in agreement here that it is normal and natural- good for me;). The way I see it, you smell fresh-cut grass and remember a childhood trip to Wrigley Field; or see an old muscle car and remember your buddy's hot-rod and all the fun; or see a wine on the wine list you remember having on the beach before mind-blowing sex. It just happens. So if one of your wife's friends came to you and said she was talking about how huge her ex-bf's penis was and how great he was in bed, you'd just say "Well, I can't police her thoughts" and just be ok with it? The issue isn't that you fantasized about your ex. It's that you bragged/reminisced with your friends about it, which was a little disrespectful to your wife. Not that she wants you telling your friends about your sex life with her, but she also doesn't want your friends thinking you idolize an ex, therefore are just settling for her. Nothing wrong with fantasizing. But if you have some need to talk about your ex, I'd make sure to choose a friend who is trustworthy and won't spread what you say around on the grapevine. These guys have proven themselves untrustworthy, so don't share anything private with them. 1
MissBee Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 So if one of your wife's friends came to you and said she was talking about how huge her ex-bf's penis was and how great he was in bed, you'd just say "Well, I can't police her thoughts" and just be ok with it? The issue isn't that you fantasized about your ex. It's that you bragged/reminisced with your friends about it, which was a little disrespectful to your wife. Not that she wants you telling your friends about your sex life with her, but she also doesn't want your friends thinking you idolize an ex, therefore are just settling for her. Nothing wrong with fantasizing. But if you have some need to talk about your ex, I'd make sure to choose a friend who is trustworthy and won't spread what you say around on the grapevine. These guys have proven themselves untrustworthy, so don't share anything private with them. Precisely. I would never want to embarrass my spouse like that and wouldn't want them to do that to me either. I expect my SO to find other people attractive and have fantasies but if it is someone I know or an ex of theirs, I would NOT want them telling our mutual friends or other people about some other mutual friend, coworker or ex they have sexual feelings for...I mean how is that okay? And as you rightfully said, if you MUST share these thoughts, don't do it in a big bunch of blabber mouth dudes at least, but stick to one private conversation . 1
Author nedkelly34 Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 @MissBee, @Underwater2010, @Pteromom Got it. Think but don't speak. It's how my wife usually wants me anyway:laugh:
pteromom Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 @MissBee, @Underwater2010, @Pteromom Got it. Think but don't speak. It's how my wife usually wants me anyway:laugh: If that is really what you got out of what I said, then you have bigger problems than this. 2
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