Angry Text- Small Victory

[siochana]

So I’m eight months post break up. She was the dumper but the initial split was mutual. [/sIZE][/FONT]

 

 

Went through the following stages:[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

 

Deep denial ( thought we would fix it)

 

[Depressions and pleading which led to

Anger; she met me for closure and said some pretty horrible things to me. I know now that she was just trying to justify her own decisions and deny her own sense of guilt

Good dose of no contact

Then a revelation! Aided by counselling, I basically began to understand that our relationship had a fundamentally unhealthy dynamic at its heart namely my subservience to her. I was being asked to take all the blame for all the problems and was being disrespected all over the shop. Because I didn’t understand this dynanmic, I would take **** and take **** and then one day explode. She would then accuse me of having anger problems. But really; on her bad days she was storming out of restaurants and throwing my clothes out windows and physically assaulting me

 

 

So she insisted on no contact but then Valentines day came round and I though about how last year I had a brought her to a nice place only for her to storm out after a mild disagreement ( ever done that ladies?) and I said, **** it, Im going to tell her about my journey. So I texted her and asked her if her new guy gets treated like this? And how many times could I have stormed out of a restaurant before she walked? Or how many times I could have hit her. There were other incidents

Anyway, no reply, I followed up with an email spelling it all out. No reply either

 

 

 

Then, because a friend suggested she may have, I checked to see if she has changed her number. She has. And do you know what? I’m delighted. Im delighted I got under her skin. Why? Because I don’t want her thinking that I am in the same pleasing state of mind as before Christmas. And because, ultimately, it’s the only victory I have had since the whole mess unfolded

 

And for the record. If she had apologised for any of her transgressions against me. Anything at all to make sure I was doing okay, I wouldn’t have done it. But she didn’t. She deserves to be presented with the facts of her own behaviour.

 

 

 

Your thoughts???

Edited March 10, 2014 by siochana

[Conners]

You shouldn't of sent her that msg/email.

You didn't prove anything to her except that you're still not over her by lashing out in anger.

 

She may of been in the wrong a lot during your relationship but she is the mature one here by ignoring your angry message and not retaliating.

[siochana]

You shouldn't of sent her that msg/email.

You didn't prove anything to her except that you're still not over her by lashing out in anger.

 

She may of been in the wrong a lot during your relationship but she is the mature one here by ignoring your angry message and not retaliating.

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

I think you are missing the point though. The point is that up to that point I had accepted her narrative: the one that always put the blame on me for problems in the relationship and the break up.

 

She cant retaliate because she has nothing to retaliate with. My criticism is entirely fact based and, for the first time, I was saying actually Fck you, your behaviour was totally out of line.

 

Maturity doesnt come into it. Home truths were serve and, as evidenced by her decision to change her number, they got to her.

 

Record set straight as fair as im concerned. And if it comes months after the BU so what? at least she wont go on thinking that I was chasing her to reconcile and, by extension, accepting her bull**** narrative.

 

She was wrong, she knows she was wrong really, and now she knows i know she was wrong. Too late for us. But she can take it forward.

[redbaron005]

You shouldn't of sent her that msg/email.

You didn't prove anything to her except that you're still not over her by lashing out in anger.

 

She may of been in the wrong a lot during your relationship but she is the mature one here by ignoring your angry message and not retaliating.

 

No Conners is not missing the point, this is correct, maybe not what you want to hear, but correct.

[Emilia]

I think you are missing the point though. The point is that up to that point I had accepted her narrative: the one that always put the blame on me for problems in the relationship and the break up.

 

She cant retaliate because she has nothing to retaliate with. My criticism is entirely fact based and, for the first time, I was saying actually Fck you, your behaviour was totally out of line.

She likely doesn't care enough to muster up the energy to 'retaliate'. Most dumpers don't. You should try to move on.

Maturity doesnt come into it. Home truths were serve and, as evidenced by her decision to change her number, they got to her.

Really? Is this how an adult man thinks? Passive aggressive much? Which is why you were submissive by the way. You need to learn to become assertive rather than take little pottshots at people. Maturity usually equals dignity, it's something most people value.

Record set straight as fair as im concerned. And if it comes months after the BU so what? at least she wont go on thinking that I was chasing her to reconcile and, by extension, accepting her bull**** narrative.

No-one cares.

She was wrong, she knows she was wrong really, and now she knows i know she was wrong. Too late for us. But she can take it forward.

She probably doesn't care. You should focus on finding a healthy outlet for your anger, work on your assertiveness and why your anger simmers below the surface. Move on. No-one cares.

[siochana]

Absolute nonsense.

 

It doesnt even matter whether she cares. It's what I feel that matters.

 

So option 1: have the record show that I accepted her narrative

Option 2: intimate to her that I do not accept her narrative.

 

Even if she "doesnt care" ( and she does, why else would she change her number?) at least I have said my piece.

 

Are you familiar with truth and reconciliation processes after political conflicts?

 

Same deal. Even years, decades, after atrocities, the process is catharthic for the people involved.

[siochana]

No Conners is not missing the point, this is correct, maybe not what you want to hear, but correct.

 

Of course he is.

 

She knows, Im not over it? So what? Why is that important?

 

Do you think she is over it? And if so, how do you know? You cant know. Thats the truth.

 

The important thing is that I got to say what i had to say and set the record straight.

 

What she does what that information is unknown to me, you and everyone else except her.

[Zahara]

And for the record. If she had apologised for any of her transgressions against me. Anything at all to make sure I was doing okay, I wouldn’t have done it. But she didn’t. She deserves to be presented with the facts of her own behaviour.

 

For someone who physically assaulted you, had anger issues and clearly never cared to respect you or your feelings during the relationship, your need to put her in her place (post-break-up) or provide her with YOUR introspection as to her own behavior was misplaced and futile. People like your ex, with that mindset -- and as you say never apologized -- don't apologize because they do not take accountability for their actions. They see no wrong in what they do.

 

You're trying to make her see, make her accountable, trying to correct her -- unfortunately it's a wasted effort. Besides, if she didn't care then as to how you felt, she surely doesn't now and that is why she isn't retaliating -- even more so when she is with a new boyfriend and has moved on with her life.

 

And people change their numbers to rid someone from their life because it's an annoyance or they don't want to deal with harrasment. They don't change their numbers because they learned a valuable lesson.

Edited March 10, 2014 by Zahara

[BC1980]

There is no point in trying to shame someone into realizing their part in the relationship failure. Everyone has a different story, so it's fruitless. You've really only accomplished showing that you still care what she thinks. You are on an initial high right now, but, in a few weeks, you will regret doing this.

 

If she was so awful, why even bother with her now. You are looking for any kind of validation from her, but you need to be looking at yourself. I promise that she could care less. Most people are very good at rationalizing their behavior. We do it all day long, and we all have our own internal set of values.

[BC1980]

 

It doesnt even matter whether she cares. It's what I feel that matters.

 

So option 1: have the record show that I accepted her narrative

Option 2: intimate to her that I do not accept her narrative.

 

You're contradicting yourself. You say that it only matters what you feel, but your actions are based on getting a reaction out of her. You need her to accept your version, but that's never going to happen. We aren't trying to be hard on you, but I'm betting many posters have done what you have done. I'm betting nearly all of them realized it was not the right thing to do weeks or months down the line.

 

I remember using the word "betrayal" to describe what my ex had done to me, and he said he agreed with everything I had said except using the word "betrayal." Well, I thought it was a perfect word to describe what had happened, but what does it matter? Everyone's narrative is different. Even dumpers who continue to maintain contact out of guilt are trying to force their narrative onto the dumpee and get upset when the dumpee won't engage in a friendship. The dumper also has their own version of the story and is upset if the dumpee doesn't agree.

 

Bottom line, both people just need to agree to disagree and go their separate ways. Deal with yourself, and don't worry about her.

[guest572]

I dont know what the victory is, but i guess if having a rant and vent has helped, good for you. I want to do the same but I refuse to make contact