Ruby Slippers Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 My counselor said something interesting the other day, and I thought I'd pass it on because it might help some people here, too. He's been analyzing my dreams lately - very illuminating - and I told him I'd been having these mini-dreams that my ex comes back to me (again - he did this once before, and we gave it a second chance). His interpretation of these small dreams and my residual feelings of missing him is that I'm not missing him exactly - I'm missing the way I was when I was with him. This makes sense to me. I was crazy about my ex and very fired up about him. He really brought out the courageous fighter and go-getter in me, possibly more than anyone has. But all that good energy was within me all the time - he just somehow ignited it. I know that I have to find other sources of inspiration to fire up my mojo like he did, and I'm working on it. It's never really about your ex - it's about you. 11
Kevin_D Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I like this advice, but at the same time I call it BS, because it's basically saying that love and friendship don't exist; That parents, lovers and friends are merely triggering mechanisms for your happiness that can be replaced with something else. I don't just miss the good times. I miss the times when we fought, the times when was scared of fish, the times she woke me up in the middle of the night because of her clumsiness. It has very little to do with how she made me feel about myself. I actually liked myself better before meeting her. I don't really miss sleeping with her, kissing her or holding her, because I can do that with other girls. I miss the things that made her unique and these things can never be replaced. 1
Author Ruby Slippers Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 I know I miss him, too. Certain good (and bad) memories with him are burned into my mind and I'll probably never forget them. But I think my counselor was right that it's more productive to focus my thoughts on the good effects his presence in my life had on me, and how I can get that good mojo back on my own, rather than focusing on how sad I am about the void his absence has left. And that's a message most people on this forum can get something from.
Kevin_D Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Yeah, I think it's a great advice for most people. Yet I somehow defy this "new" mentality. When I grew up, I was always told that I should treat others the way I wanted them to treat me. The "new" mentality is more like "Treat yourself they way you want to be treated, because you can never expect anyone else to do it". 1
WYSWYG Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 I know that I miss my ex because she seemed larger-than-life to me. Our intimate moments created a connection like no other. She showed gestures of love that was very personal and heartfelt. I felt love in her touch. That's what I missed when one day she wasn't there anymore and is now a stranger. I don't think we can really rationalize our emotions. I believe the heart and mind have different operating systems. 1
Author Ruby Slippers Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 The "new" mentality is more like "Treat yourself they way you want to be treated, because you can never expect anyone else to do it". Yes, exactly. I read something similar today: "The degree to which you cherish yourself is the degree to which you will be cherished." I think that's very true. I have a lot of darkness from childhood that I'm still wrestling with, so sometimes it's easier said than done. But I've come a long way and keep getting better at it.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 Very true, Kevin D, and a difficult concept for me to put into practice but I'm trying, you know, to treat myself like the man of my dreams would. Very odd concept but it seems to have some real validity to it. Yes. I think we do create whatever energy we want in our life, and then it radiates out from us and back to us. I'm reading a book with a friend right now about this very topic. An example in another context is that today I landed a pretty big contract with a new client for my small business, after 2 weeks of him testing and challenging me because we are 2-3 times more expensive than many of our competitors. I didn't waver on price, but logically justified why we are worth the higher price because we get results, are proven in our field, and will get results for him, too. I asked him to make a counter-offer, but at that point he relented, signed the deal, and paid up. I treated myself and my company like an A+ client would, and then he got on board with that, too. Running my business can be very stressful, with the financial ups and downs, but it's this great little test kitchen for life principles. Somehow I find it easier to challenge and push myself in this clearly defined framework - and then I use those victories to try similar things in my personal life.
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