lakerman34 Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 (edited) So, I met this local girl on PoF. I'm 23, she's 20 (going to be 21 soon). She's....different. She's a little bit high strung, overthinks everything, and worries too much about other people's feelings. BUT she's incredibly sweet, loving, fun, interesting, cute, and pretty good in bed. I don't really see this growing into a full-on relationship, but I like her and like hanging out and doing things with her. First time we hang out, this guy (28) who, apparently, she used to sleep with calls. He's an obnoxious, pushy guy, and essentially makes her come over to his house when she should have went to sleep (she was high strung, hadn't slept in a couple of days). Second time we hang out, we have a blast. We cook dinner together in her house, talk a lot, and then amazing sex. I had her multiple orgasming, something she said she never experienced before in her life and was bewildered how I was capable of doing it. Last night, we went out to dinner and hung out at her place. Everything was great until the 28 year old texted her. I try to make her realize how negative he is in her life, then she goes on a rant about how her grades suck and how she'll get emotional if she loses him, so she's going for consistency and keeping him, even though he kind of treats her like ****. He's VERY pushy, calls a hundred times, texts her blaming her for things, it's awful. She told me she can't sleep with me for a while because she "feels like a slut" and tells me she slept with 40 guys in the last 2 years and hates it about herself. She reassures me that she isn't sleeping with this guy, but I look in her bag that she's carrying to him, and there's red panties and a black and red bra. I ask her what that's about, she says she "needs to change b/c she's in disgusting clothes, but will change at his house." She sort of broke down in front of me, telling me how she's scared of life, how she's not doing well in school, how she needs to have a boy in her life because she gets lonely, and how her sadness (it's not even depression, I can't explain it like she did, but it's a sadness) makes it hard to excel. Thing is, she's a brilliant girl with a lot of talents. I tell her this. Before I leave, she runs up to me, gives me a HUGE hug -- squeezes onto me, and then says something along the lines of an apology and how, "when I'm around you, I am happy, around him, I feel negativity. Please, just be patient with me." I want to believe her, part of me does, part of me doesn't. I don't think she'll lie to me. I wouldn't "dump" her so much b/c she may be sleeping with another guy (who sounds like he's forcing her to sleep with him), but because this guy has, essentially kicked me out of her house twice. Even when I tried to go down on her, she wouldn't let me which made me think that a guy was in her not too long ago (28 year old). So, at 3:30 AM, she goes to his house. At about 4AM she texted me telling me that she made a huge mistake leaving me and going to him, and apologizes again. I just tell her "I think you need to do what's best for you. Not what's best for him. Not what's best for me." She needed to be up for a school meeting at 7AM this morning -- lack of sleep seems to be her forte. It's 1PM right now, and she just texted me to tell me she really enjoyed spending time with me yesterday. I like her. I don't necessarily want a serious relationship with her, but I like her. Part of me wants to get rid of her though for both of our sanity, but part of me WANTS to be patient and see what is going on with this guy. What to do? Edited March 9, 2014 by lakerman34
ExpatInItaly Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Run and don't look back. She is a mess and it's not your job to wait around for her to clean herself up. Unless you're a glutton for punishment of course. It won't end well for you, at all. Not worth it. 2
Author lakerman34 Posted March 9, 2014 Author Posted March 9, 2014 Ugh, yeah. You guys are right. As far as I'm concerned, last night was strike 2. I think I'll give her a little more time, but I think, inevitably, it'll just be easier to get rid of her.
MrMeh Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 I guess she really did have a great time with you seeing as she couldn't wait to be with the other guy that same night. 4
Author lakerman34 Posted March 9, 2014 Author Posted March 9, 2014 (edited) I guess she really did have a great time with you seeing as she couldn't wait to be with the other guy that same night. In her own, twisted mind she can't upset anybody because they have leverage against her. If they remove her from their lives, she'll be in an emotional downward spiral. She's the very definition of an empath that can't let go. I think she knows that I'm the only stable person in her life, and that's why she's OK with leaving me. Even hearing about how her parents are makes me wonder how she lived with them so long (her dad is a sergeant in a high security prison, and he's a bit "aggressive" and, apparently, has gotten a bit physical with her, but never to the point of hurting her). Her mom, on the other hand, kind of reminds me of my mom. Very pessimistic, and down her throat about everything. If she, say, wants to run for class president, her mom would tell her not to keep her hopes up b/c she probably won't get it. Having a mother like that, I could understand how it messes you up. I'm so detached from my own family because of this, and coming from a very traditional family, I've become somewhat of an outcast pariah b/c I'm looking for careers where I can get as far away from them as possible. And you missed the part where this guy calls/texts incessantly. He's VERY forceful. I don't know if you know how some girls operate, but forcefulness and persistence will get some girls to bend to your will. I'm, unfortunately, not big enough of a douchbag to pretend that she's being a dick for going to see him instead of staying with me. Edited March 9, 2014 by lakerman34
callingyouuu Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 I'm, unfortunately, not big enough of a douchbag to pretend that she's being a dick for going to see him instead of staying with me. She's not a dick, but I don't think she respects you very much. Setting boundaries doesn't necessarily make you a douchebag.
MrMeh Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 I might sound a little callous here but you shouldn't dismiss free will due to her unfortunate childhood. I understand that you can empathize with this woman but that doesn't mean you should burden yourself with her weakness and vulnerability. Trying to repair her gestalt of plights is synonymous to fixing herself, which is not your task to uptake. If you try to play the savior here you will be constantly receding back to helping her instead of finding somebody who is more similar to yourself. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 I might sound a little callous here but you shouldn't dismiss free will due to her unfortunate childhood. I understand that you can empathize with this woman but that doesn't mean you should burden yourself with her weakness and vulnerability. Trying to repair her gestalt of plights is synonymous to fixing herself, which is not your task to uptake. If you try to play the savior here you will be constantly receding back to helping her instead of finding somebody who is more similar to yourself. Yup. You are likely going to find yourself enmeshed in a constant cycle of her pulling you in and then pushing you away while she runs off to this other man. I get that this man is forceful, but don't overlook the fact that she chose to go and see him anyway. She cannot be forced to see someone she really doesn't want to; she's got something invested in him, too. Do you really want to be in competition with this other guy? Because this unhealthy codependency she has with him isn't likely to end any time soon, and she told you as much. 2
somedude81 Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Lets put this another way. She's playing you. Though in her case she's doing it unintentionally, but it's still happening. You must not let yourself get attached to this girl. Things will only get worse. 2
HappyLove Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 More proof that men love crazy. The stable girls get put aside. 3
Larry56 Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 More proof that men love crazy. The stable girls get put aside. Haha Nooooo....Some women keep that under wraps for a while. Then they are like "Hey Maybe this weekend we could... I'M CRAAAAAZZZZZAAAYYYYYYY!!!" 2
HappyLove Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Haha Nooooo....Some women keep that under wraps for a while. Then they are like "Hey Maybe this weekend we could... I'M CRAAAAAZZZZZAAAYYYYYYY!!!" HAHAHAHAHAHA, that's TOO FUNNY!
Tayken Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 OP...give your head a shake, do you really want to get caught up in this mess? Additionally, if she use to bang a 28yr old and is still in touch with him, she obviously has self esteem issues and other issues don't you don't know of yet. What is she currently doing with her life? 2
babycakees Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Please tell me this is a joke. This girl is a hot mess. 3
Author lakerman34 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 Dumped her. I had sex with her on Wednesday night. I got her to admit that some time between Wednesday and Saturday nights, she had sex with another guy. I explained to her how disrespectful it was and how I'm drawing the line at "just friends" with her. She apologized. I know she's probably swimming in her tears right now. The sweetest girl, I really do feel for her, but I am too proud to get disrespected like that. 1
Author lakerman34 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 shes not crying, she probably thinks your lame... agreeing to be friends with a girl thats cheating on you with another guy... biggest mistake on the planet you did the right thing with sleeping with her and then dumping her... comment should have been more along the lines of "wanted to make sure your tank was full before you went back to <name>" and moved on I'm not a dick dude. "friends" I am pretty sure is universal for "this isn't happening." And we weren't even dating, so that's not "cheating" as much as it's unsanitary. 1
Author lakerman34 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 OP...give your head a shake, do you really want to get caught up in this mess? Additionally, if she use to bang a 28yr old and is still in touch with him, she obviously has self esteem issues and other issues don't you don't know of yet. What is she currently doing with her life? She's a student at a fairly prestigious University, but she isn't exactly excelling. Because of this, she's a nervous wreck.
TigerLilly78 Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 The thing I don't get is you don't want a stable relationship with this girl yet you want to "keep things going and see how it ends with this other guy" why? if your only interested as friends then make that very clear to her now! Before she gets overly attached to you we see how attached shes become to a total jerk. Now just image how bad it would be if it was a half decent guy who treated her well. I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like shes any wheres stable enough mentally right now for a "friends with benefits" situation. So unless you like her enough to put yourself out there and try to work on her issues as a bf? Then in my opinion I would stop sleeping with her and be strictly friends or cut the tie all together..
TigerLilly78 Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 shes not crying, she probably thinks your lame... agreeing to be friends with a girl thats cheating on you with another guy... biggest mistake on the planet you did the right thing with sleeping with her and then dumping her... comment should have been more along the lines of "wanted to make sure your tank was full before you went back to <name>" and moved on I think anyone who would say that is kinda lame and immature shes not a saint. But lets call a spade a spade when a guy sleeps with 2 women in a weeks span hes considered a rock star by many. But when a women dose shes a slut that's kinda messed up imo these two were not really "dating" persay. I can see were the OP wouldn't want to get involved with some one like this and I respect that. But maybe things should have been made more clear before they bouth jumped in bed as to expectations what was excatable and what wasent **sigh** comunication can be a wonderful thing..
Author lakerman34 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 I think anyone who would say that is kinda lame and immature shes not a saint. But lets call a spade a spade when a guy sleeps with 2 women in a weeks span hes considered a rock star by many. But when a women dose shes a slut that's kinda messed up imo these two were not really "dating" persay. I can see were the OP wouldn't want to get involved with some one like this and I respect that. But maybe things should have been made more clear before they bouth jumped in bed as to expectations what was excatable and what wasent **sigh** comunication can be a wonderful thing.. Oh no, I told her beforehand that I wasn't necessarily looking for a relationship, just to have a girl to hang out with and to see what happens. She actually told me she, too, just got out of a relationship, and I just got out of a 14 month "chase" of a girl (who I literally JUST found out is in a relationship). We actually have a wonderful time together. I even kind of felt "sparks" -- a little bit. What keeps me from wanting to advance this to a relationship is the guy, and she's not too stable. But, I thought about it, and I thought that, maybe, I could bring some stability into her life. Then she went and had sex with the guy that, I was under the impression, she was no longer sleeping with. I told her how disrespectful that was and cut ties. She just responded an "okay, i'm sorry," but I do expect a much more emotional text within the next couple of days. I really do think she sensed that I'm a guy that is actually a positive in her life (she warned me telling me that guys run away from her b/c they don't like her constant thinking aloud, her rantiness, and just her overall essence), but I found it endearing and somewhat charming. Where all other guys saw "this girl talks too much," I thought "this girl has something to say." I don't know. I REALLY wish she didn't have sex with that guy. I REALLY, REALLY wish she didn't. To her apology, all I could respond with was an "I'm sorry too."
ExpatInItaly Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 (edited) OP, you've done the right thing ending it with her. If she has underlying psychological issues (and it sounds as though she does) that is not something you can fix, sadly. She won't be able to see you as the stable and positive influence in her life. I am speaking from experience here; it is a rough, rough ride. I dated a man who had somewhat similar problems. There was nothing I could do to help him "see the light" and he kept repeating the same self-destructive behaviour. Only a professional is truly equipped with the tools needed to help people who are suffering that way. Keep your distance from her, because I almost guarantee you that it will get worse and you'll end up very hurt. Also, what you find endearing and charming now won't be when you're the constant target of it. If she openly admits she drives other people away, that is a warning to you. Heed it or not, but don't say later that you didn't see red flags. Know what I mean? Edited March 10, 2014 by ExpatInItaly
Emilia Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 She has huge issues OP. You really don't want to be with women like her, you don't want to grow to understand them, be good at working them out, etc. You must focus on healthy. There is nothing you can do to help her. She has to help herself, it has to come from her. Unfortunately this means she has to experience this kind of heartache before she realises she has to fix herself. You can't do this for her, OP. 2
deathandtaxes Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I don't know what's worse, OP. You going out a second time with this chick after she disrespects you on your first date (or meeting or whatever) or the fact that you went out again just so you could bang her. Where is your dignity, sir? She left you to go see another guy? HOLY ****ING ****!
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