makingithappen Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Hi fellow LDRers on LS! Was wondering if anyone can help me out on something that happened over the weekend that I just can't stop rethinking about. My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for over 2 years; we spent 1 year together IRL and are now coming into our second year of long distance. Last Christmas when I visited him in Europe over break, he was saying how he was having a hard time coping with the distance. Long discussion short, we decided to give it another year together before we see what our prospects are of living together. He also made a request for more "flashes" over our skype chats. Prior to that, I've given in to his requests for this but he emphasized on how he really needed some visual stimuli to help in coping with the distance. As I was already emotionally distraught after the long conversation, I agreed to his request and said I will try, but that I am not too confident at it sometimes. Fast forward to a few months later, our skype conversations are becoming dry and monologous as we don't have too much going in our lives to talk about, and I notices that he asks for me to "flash" him more often, which I end up complying. One time, our conversation was pretty much dead until I did it, to which he later texted me saying that that was a "positive" end to the chat. I decided to bring it up recently to him as I felt horrible feeling compelled to satisfy him sexually with nudity online. We had a long and heated discussion over this, but one thing he said was, "As my girlfriend, it is your duty to make me c**. If you're not willing to do so with even just a weekly skype, then maybe we shouldn't be in a relationship". Back when we were together, this was not an issue at all obviously; but with us being LD, he expects at least some stimulus over the weekend when we see each other on skype. I couldn't explain why I feel so uncomfortable with the online aspect, but in the end, we ended the discussion with me agreeing (again) to do it more. I guess it's right for him to question why I feel so awkward about it when we were completely find when we were together, and that when we were together it was always mutual and I shouldn't feel like these online sessions were one-sided. But at the same time, his statement above made me question whether this is a man I want to be with for the rest of my life. "Duty" just doesn't have the right connotation when it comes to describing a loving relationship. I skipped out on a lot of details and other things we discussed so obviously this may be a bit biased, but I can't turn to anyone I know about this as I feel it's only something you all on LS can help me out on. What do you think? Any advice would be greatly appreciated . Minus the heated discussion, he's a genuinely loving and caring man, and I'm seeing him in a month so I just want to clear up my thoughts before then.
d0nnivain Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Regular vanilla sex is one thing . . . cams & technology are something else altogether. "Duty" in a relationship goes both ways & it involves making sure the other person feels safe & loved. Yes, it is wonderful when you can satisfy your partner sexually but that doesn't mean either of you has to engage in conduct that makes you uncomfortable: threesomes, anal, or getting naked on Skype. Talk to him about mutual respect If he doesn't understand or care about what you are saying, have enough respect for yourself & your own beliefs to walk away. 4
TAV Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 The camera has never been my friend and he is much more of an exhibitionist. He, however, also respects my boundaries. And that is what it basically comes down to; the same as in regular sex. My bf never pushes for anything, when something happens it happens. Because I feel safe and feel as if I can be myself under all circumstances I get the occassional crazy mood where I seduce him in front of the camera. We have a lot of fun and that's that. He does not expect me to be like that all the time, does not see it as my 'duty' and vice versa. If we can't have sex in real life anytime soon I personally enjoy phone sex much more since I can relax more then and his voice is so nice it can be hypnotizing. Another way to explore is writing down your erotic fantasies. Your problem is your boyfriend's attitude. Yes, you miss each other like 'ell and it can be very hard and frustrating but that does not mean he has to stop respecting your boundaries. I don't care how nice he is apart from that. 3
FitChick Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 OP does your boyfriend flash for you? I'd like to know how easy it would be to save Skype images or for someone else to see them if it looks like only the person is watching.
CarrieT Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 I'd like to know how easy it would be to save Skype images or for someone else to see them if it looks like only the person is watching. It is very, very easy... And a simple google of "ex-girlfriend porn" would indicate that unless there is the prospect of marriage, a ring, and a life-long commitment, I don't think ANY girl should "flash" because the possibility of her image being out there forever is too monstrously huge. 6
pickflicker Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I'd never do this. Digital media is too easily shared. I can understand people doing it in the days of videotapes, but now - no way. At the very least, crop your head out of it so you can attempt to deny. 2
Els Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Ughhhhhh. It's not even about the possibility of leaked photos. It's about the fact that you aren't comfortable doing it, and you told him so. And yet he pressures you about it and tries to guilt trip you about your 'duty'? That sounds incredibly entitled and selfish. Plus based on your posts, he seems to be only interested in Skype chats when he's getting some nudity. You are absolutely right to question whether this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. 5
Eggplant Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Actually, it is also about the possibility of leaked photos. Something that could ruin your career. It's utterly stupid that women should be able to be so vulnerable and at the mercy of somebody else so easily just for showing their bodies on camera to somebody who of course wouldn't ever betray them, right??? And everybody blames the victim when somebody betrays the trust. I personally allowed naked photos that were quickly deleted to be taken of me, and a third party hacked into my boyfriend's account and blackmailed me with them. I mean, should my life be ruined for something so mundane and quite frankly INNOCENT? No. But the world is STUPID. So **** him. He's asking for something that is way too dangerous and puts you in way too vulnerable of a position. If he respected you, he wouldn't throw a temper tantrum because you didn't ... actually **** him. He's not treating you well. Just block him and find a new boyfriend. 1
Els Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Apologies, I meant to say 'not even only about the possibility...'. Obviously that is also a factor.
justwhoiam Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I think no one's career should be ruined because of a naked pic sent to a boyfriend. At times, it's just society making things bigger than they are. He wants you and I don't think it's bad nor creepy. Just human. And guys are very visual. Two inches of this or that can drive them nuts. That's human nature. Send him your panties. Surprise him with something else, if you love each other for real, instead of wasting time nagging about what you don't feel like doing. Also, it looks like he can talk you into anything. That is far scarier to me than just the topic of sex cam. I think you should concentrate on that. Why can he talk you into just anything? I know I'm weak too with him at times, but I still hold my ground on most things. You need to be more assertive or people will walk on you, even in other areas of your life. 3
FitChick Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I sent an LDR a pair of my panties and he went crazy. Good crazy. Said he slept with them on his pillow every night. 2
taiko Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 I think no one's career should be ruined because of a naked pic sent to a boyfriend. At times, it's just society making things bigger than they are. . After Paris Hilton survived this and Kim Kardasian followed up by going out and making a porno and becoming a star I question the the thought that anyone's career will be harmed because an ex committed a crime against them. That being said only husbands and wives' have duties to each other, that is partially why there is a governmental enforced contract.
Author makingithappen Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 Thanks guys; you're all absolutely right. I should have known better before I sent my boyfriend those shots of myself. I do ensure that my face is cropped out, although I don't remember whether I did this for the first few times... @FitChick - yes, he's done it occasionally when I initiate something over the webcam. I think it's possible to get a screen shot sometime discreetly...will probably do this next time just in case anything bad happens. @justwhoiam - you're absolutely right; I'm weaker when it comes to relationships. Maybe it's the Asian blood, but all this time I felt that as long as he is happy, I am happy. Which I realized now isn't a healthy way to go about in this LDR... I've promised myself to be more vocal and stand up for myself, hence the recent discussion over this. Just an update - he texted me after the chat asking how I felt post-conversation. I took my chance to put down my thoughts about what I agreed with you all on... that even though he wants it to be a mutual act and that I'll do it when I feel comfortable and in the mood myself, that he will respect my decision even when I don't necessarily flash some skin. I also said I hope he agrees with me that our relationship is more than just the number of times I satisfy his needs over Skype. He came back with a bit of a disappointing response saying how he didn't really understand what I was trying to say, ans how he meant what he said and that he's given me the initiative so now it's up to me to decide what to do about it. Quite a one-sided comment tbh... I'm at a loss on how to go about this now. Plus, we're supposed to meet in less than 4 weeks for a 2 week vacation together so it's at a horrible timing...
Els Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 He came back with a bit of a disappointing response saying how he didn't really understand what I was trying to say, ans how he meant what he said and that he's given me the initiative so now it's up to me to decide what to do about it. Quite a one-sided comment tbh... I'm at a loss on how to go about this now. Plus, we're supposed to meet in less than 4 weeks for a 2 week vacation together so it's at a horrible timing... What?? You worded your concerns in plain language. How can he not understand that? Barring him either having a learning disability or speaking a different language from you, I'm not buying that he didn't understand "I hope he will respect my decision when I decide I don't want to". Sounds to me like he's just trying to sweep everything under the carpet. As for the 'men are visual' proponents, that is not an excuse. Men may be visual but good men who respect their women don't try and coerce them into doing sexual acts that they're not comfortable with and brushing aside their concerns. What are the good parts of this relationship, OP? Why do you choose to stay? 4
FitChick Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 Tell him to pay for your plane ticket and you will go in person and happily show him anything he wants to see. 1
justwhoiam Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 (edited) As for the 'men are visual' proponents, that is not an excuse. Men may be visual but good men who respect their women don't try and coerce them into doing sexual acts that they're not comfortable with and brushing aside their concerns. Men are visual, and that's a fact. But that statement didn't mean to justify threatening or other questionable behavior. Is he being abusive? I'm not able to tell from the information the OP has shared so far. Let's see this from a different angle. I'm your boyfriend and I let you know that I have a problem dealing with the distance, missing you, and in the sex department too. I need something to get by for months. You say no, that you don't feel comfortable with sending nude pics or going on cam naked. But at the same time, you didn't offer any alternative. Maybe I'm just wrong, but his problems become my problems, and my problems become his problems. Together we try to find a solution to everything. I don't like showing off, I don't like showing myself on cam. But if that is lacking somehow, I try to compensate with other things. So that we're both happy. Or you can simply say no, stand your ground and mind your business. So what happens is: he's not respecting her wishes in her eyes, and she's not respecting his needs in his eyes. I do what I feel like doing and I won't do what I'm not comfortable with. But at the same time, inflexibility won't take you anywhere. Especially in love. Love implies sharing and understanding. Edited March 12, 2014 by justwhoiam 1
Els Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Men are visual, and that's a fact. But that statement didn't mean to justify threatening or other questionable behavior. Is he being abusive? I'm not able to tell from the information the OP has shared so far. Let's see this from a different angle. I'm your boyfriend and I let you know that I have a problem dealing with the distance, missing you, and in the sex department too. I need something to get by for months. You say no, that you don't feel comfortable with sending nude pics or going on cam naked. But at the same time, you didn't offer any alternative. Maybe I'm just wrong, but his problems become my problems, and my problems become his problems. Together we try to find a solution to everything. I don't like showing off, I don't like showing myself on cam. But if that is lacking somehow, I try to compensate with other things. So that we're both happy. Or you can simply say no, stand your ground and mind your business. So what happens is: he's not respecting her wishes in her eyes, and she's not respecting his needs in his eyes. I do what I feel like doing and I won't do what I'm not comfortable with. But at the same time, inflexibility won't take you anywhere. Especially in love. Love implies sharing and understanding. I think you are missing my point. Taking care of each others' needs is all well and good when the other person has shown himself to be a considerate man who respects your concerns. It's not a great idea for the OP to bend over backwards to cater to a man who will not even talk to her about hers. 2
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